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Child Item

My son is not mine

LegacyUser

Long time boardsie but going unreg for this.

I'll try to keep it as short as possible, if I leave anything out or clarification is needed do ask & I appreciate any help you guys have.

So I met my now wife nearly 20 years ago. She became pregnant with our son not long after we met (we were about a month into our relationship when she discovered she was pregnant). Now this came as a bit of a surprise because we did not as of this time have full intercourse (don't want to get too graphic but hand jobs, rubbing genitals together). With a bit of internet research, I discovered that this kind of behavior can result in pregnancy so no problems there. When it came to the 12 week scan, I was flicking through my wife's case folder and noticed that it had a date of conception or fertilization date (I don't remember the term) that was BEFORE we met.

As you can expect we had quite a conversation about this. She told me that there was no possibility that anyone but myself could be the father. She did have casual boyfriends before she met me but she promised that the last time she was with anyone in a way that could result in pregnancy was a couple of months before we met. We spoke about this for a couple of weeks, she wasn't to communicative though. All of this was then forgotten about and our amazing son was born. There were a few medical complications after the birth with my wife but all in all the pregnancy was fine.

When my son was about 6 months old we decided to find a flat and we began renting in our town, it was wonderful for a few months but then my wife began to change. She was constantly in a terrible mood, did not communicate and generally treated me like crap & there was little or no sex. I tried to help, tried to find out what was wrong, I thought she had postnatal depression, she did not want to seek help. This situation continued for a year until I finally had enough. I decided I was going to leave. It took quite a bit of courage and building up confidence to leave and during the build up I think she sensed what was coming and things started to improve but it was too late for me. We broke up. The breakup was extremely harsh on me, her family blamed me for everything, questioning my manhood, threatening me. It was awful.

We managed to remain friends and we raised our son as a team despite not being a couple. Everything was grand considering. We discussed on and off what had happened but never really got to the bottom of it. After a few years, feelings started coming back and we got back together and eventually married. We bought a house right around the corner from her mums and near enough to my parents and all was grand for a couple of years. Then she started to change, the moods came back and the sex life plummeted although things were not as bad as the first time. Eventually though I decided I could not go on but because we were now married I felt I could not get away.

It was around this time & out of nowhere an ad popped up on my computer screen for a home DNA test. I did not know such a thing existed and all of a sudden my mind went back to the time of the 12 week scan. Could this be the reason she is not right with me, does she have some dark secret that she cannot handle. Does she suspect someone else might be the father? It would certainly explain some things. I thought and thought about doing a home dna test but felt incredible guilt. My little lad is my world, I didn't want to do anything behind his back & to be honest it doesn't bother me if I am biologically his dad or not, I am his dad no matter what.

Eventually I decided to do it just to eliminate the thoughts from my head. I was 99.999% sure the test would say I was the father. When the results arrived in my inbox, I did not hesitate to open them, expecting to feel very guilty for even questioning paternity. But the result was that I was "excluded" as the biological father ie. I am not biologically related to my son. I spent months mulling over this. Was there a mistake at the lab? Surly this could not be true! My wife is not a liar and if she is, she is VERY, VERY good at it.

I managed to convince myself that there was some mistake at the lab and life continued on, myself and the wife getting on but not 100% happy by a long shot. As far as my little lad (now my little man!) is concerned, nothing changed, he is my world and nothing will ever change that.

Roll on to recent times and she has for the first time started to question whether we should stay together, things are just not that great. It is starting to look like we're gonna split. I decided a few weeks ago to do another test, just to confirm the result. I done another test, this time feeling even more guilty. The results were the same, I am now convinced that I am not the biological father of my son.

And now to my dilemmas:

Is it possible that my wife does not know what I know? Has she convinced herself that only I could be the father? Is part of her suspicious and is that the root of our problems? I often wonder did she notice a likeness to a previous boyfriend in my son and it shattered her world.

Do I have a duty to inform my son (he is now 19 years old and in college)? I would be more on the side of believing he should know. There are also other people to consider. Does the biological father know? Does my lad have half brothers and sisters.

Do I have a duty to inform my wife of what I know?

Should the biological father know?

Thanks for reading & sorry about the length. May I also end by saying that it looks like I blame my wife for everything here but I am no saint either. I do love her & want things to work out. I just need answers.

tldr - I am not the biological father of my son and I don't know whether my wife even knows herself.

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Emme

JustAThought wrote: »

OP it sounds like you've had a long and tricky emotional road. I love the bit where you say it wont make a difference to how you feel about your son whom you clearly love.

Regarding your dilema - who would it hurt most to tell - who would be devestated and have everything turned upsidedown by this news. Most probably your son. What could happen - him hate your wife, bitterness, turnoil and hurt. What would you or he gain from it? Hunting for stranger from 20 years ago?Letting a middle aged man into your life whose reaction or rejection or denial could damage or hurt your son even more. That man may have a family and not want them to know . He may be dead. Or in prison. Or long emigrated. Your wife may have been innocent or afraid 20 years ago- or calculating - either way it is your son that will suffer with this news. If she knows there is a doubt then she nay have had her suspicions all along. Doctors are OfTEN wrong with dates. As can cycles be out of kilter.
I have heard of those dna test kits being inaccurate or having inaccurate readings but I dont know. You could try again with a different company and different lab before finalising your own thoughts of non biological relationships being so firmly stuck in your head - for something this big I would want to be 150% POSITIVE.

And then? Personally I might let it go - you love him, you spent your life bringing him up and looking after his every need and giving him a strong solid loving foundation for life and family. Why ruin all that for revenge on your wife who is possibly going to go her own way anyway? Your son might resent you for using this information against his mother or for the upset,denials and emotional recriminations that might follow. You might end up losing far more than you want in this.

Regarding DNA ads popping up in your computer - do.you share one with your wife? Have you been reading up on them? Has she?because we all know that google uses tracking algorithms to post ads to your account that relate to what you have been reading or for searching for online.

The son has the right to know and the news should be broken to him very sensitively. This is because there could be some medical issues in the biological father's family. The boy's mother more than likely knows who the biological father is so the OP should discuss this with her before talking to the boy.

Bandana boy

you need to get this test verified and communicated to your son
he quite possibly has siblings of a similar age that he could be interacting with unknowingly .

It is known that half siblings who don't know they are half siblings can have a connection that they often confuse for sexual attraction.

Mokuba

If my wife had maintained a such a massive lie for so long, I would be out the door, no question. Despicable behaviour.

You are that boys father, blood or no blood, and I think that he deserves to know the truth, but I also that you should continue to be there for him - even if it is difficult. He did you no wrong.

As for your wife, consider how little respect she must have for you to lie for almost 2 decades about such a life changing piece of information. She lied every day to get you to financially and emotionally support her and somebody else's child for 2 decades. Let that sink in.

Would you have stayed if you had known the truth? Maybe, maybe not. But she took that choice away from you when she lied to you. Your entire life with her is based on a lie. I think you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with her.

professore

Did your wife want to wait for marriage to have full intercourse or was that your idea? I would have thought she would be pressuring you into sex if she was trying to "catch" you.

It does show that she has a very devious and self centred nature. Personally it would be a deal breaker for me.

As for your son, he's your son and always will be. He needs to know for medical reasons.

kerryjack

Telling your son now will through him of the end of his world, is he in collage or starting a career it's not a great time to tell him he will be peed off with both of ye especially his mother and could go off the rails altogether. this is serious and not an easy dessison to make.

professore

kerryjack wrote: »

Telling your son now will through him of the end of his world, is he in collage or starting a career it's not a great time to tell him he will be peed off with both of ye especially his mother and could go off the rails altogether. this is serious and not an easy dessison to make.

A good point, if he's at a pivotal stage of his life best to hold off telling him.

professore

vectorvictor wrote: »

Perhaps. You will see from my initial posts that I am very sympathetic to the op's situation.

It was simply a question replying to the biological input by another poster.

I disagree that 19 is too young to need to know family medical history but perhaps this thread is the wrong place and timing for that discussion for which I apologise

I've had doctors ask about my children "is there anything like XXX in the family". Never too early to know as in some cases (e.g. congenital conditions) it could literally be fatal with the wrong treatment or ruled out because of supposed genetics.

strandroad

Talk to your wife before you talk to your son. What if it was incest or rape... you don't want to dump such news on him before you have a chance to really think it through in your own head.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

professore wrote:

I've had doctors ask about my children "is there anything like XXX in the family". Never too early to know as in some cases (e.g. congenital conditions) it could literally be fatal with the wrong treatment or ruled out because of supposed genetics.

The biological father has no legal obligation to share his medical history even if they were to track him down I don't think.

December2012

Hi OP

Now that you know, how do you feel about your wife?

Do you forgive her, or do you think you could?

You need to talk with her honestly and openly. Is there any mediation while you're working out the terms of your separation?

professore

Reid Important Repairman wrote: »

The biological father has no legal obligation to share his medical history even if they were to track him down I don't think.

That's crazy. So much for children's welfare.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the people who have suggested you be careful with the timing of when you tell your son. It's the sort of revelation that is going to rock him to his core and cause him an enormous amount of distress. He's no longer going to be the person he thought he was and the anger, questions and upset he's going to experience are nothing to be sniffed at. His very identity is up for grabs, as is the knowledge that one if not two of his parents have been lying to him for all these years. I wonder would it be worth finding a good counsellor for him before you tell him?

FriendsEV

Somethings are better left unsaid and I really believe that

I wouldn't tell your son OP

Nothing good will come from it

Your relationship will never be the same

You raised him from a helpless little baby to a young man, he probably worships you, why destroy that?

You have the truth for yourself, keep it that way

silverharp

he deserves to know and chances are he probably think something is up even subconsciously. you were hugely robbed op , when i look at my kids when they pull one face i see my mother when they pull another i see my grandad. what your wife did is unforgivable

kerryjack

The OP knew all along and should have got this sorted a long time ago but was prepared to play happy familys and turned a blind eye to it yes his wife knows as well and this secret is killing her as well the OP should tell his wife yes I know but his my son now and make a decision than big mistake for OP to get test done he should have left things be.

Potatoeman

It sounds like you were naive but she was extremely dishonest. It sounds like she used you as the ‘safe’ option and the bad sex life seems like she wasn’t that interested.

How important is your bloodline to you and your family? How are they going to react? The fact that you didn’t have anymore kids means she effectively ended your bloodline.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

You said that you took one DNA sample when the child was 7 and he's 19 now so an extra year or so won't make any difference in the grand scheme of things, don't do anything in haste.

If it were me my thought process would be to get as much information about the biological father as possible. This will probably get slated here but is the guy someone worthy to be introduced in your sons life if it came to it? Does he have offspring that would be related to your lad? I think your dealing with a lot of variables here that need to be clarified and that would make the decision a bit easier.

Unfortunately the above answers will have to come from your wife so I don't see any way around not having a conversation about it with her. And just for the record, she definitely knew the whole time.

blacklilly

JeffKenna wrote: »

If it were me my thought process would be to get as much information about the biological father as possible. This will probably get slated here but is the guy someone worthy to be introduced in your sons life if it came to it? Does he have offspring that would be related to your lad? I think your dealing with a lot of variables here that need to be clarified and that would make the decision a bit easier.

I also considered the above when reading through the thread, however ultimately every child/person should have the right to know who their biological parents are.

Firstly as many have already stated, you need to discuss this with your wife and be firm with what you believe to be true. I would also agree that she has always known you are not your sons biological father so in ways it it a chance for her to come clean and take a weight off her shoulders.

It's also worth considering that the biological father may want absolutely nothing to do with his biological son but that is not something anyone can control.

Secrets breed dishonesty and cause hurt, you owe it your son to be honest with him and give him the facts. I've no doubt it will be confusing for him and it will likely be difficult for a while but you sound like you've a good solid relationship with him which will hopefully help.

Wishing you all the best

pl4ichjgy17zwd

blacklilly wrote:

It's also worth considering that the biological father may want absolutely nothing to do with his biological son but that is not something anyone can control.

He may also refuse a DNA test completely if he wants to deny paternity.

MissShihTzu

Reid Important Repairman wrote: »

He may also refuse a DNA test completely if he wants to deny paternity.

The point of the DNA is to rule out the OP as the biological father. So the OP, the mother and the son will have to present for the test. IF the test is taken properly and the OP is right? Then the mother and son will then be free to trace the father or not as they please.

As I've previously stated. If the OP is proven not to be the father, then it should not and must not change the relationship with the son. The OP brought him up. He IS the father. No matter what the test might say.

LegacyUser

OP here

I really appreciate all the replies to my dilemma, thanks for taking the time. I posted two days ago but my post did not appear on thread for some reason. Here's some general responses to peoples thoughts...

DNA test wise, everything was done above board and legally. Its easy to get tests done in Ireland. The two labs that done the tests seem to be top notch, ISO accredited etc etc. I will say to anyone reading that is in a similar situation that it is tough on your conscience to do a test, its a very strange feeling & be prepared.

Regarding me being naive, yes I agree with that sentiment, definitely. Thinking back to the time of the 12 week scan, I was terrified that my questioning was damaging our fledgling relationship and pushing her away. Had I known about home DNA tests then I quite possibly would have done it then. I'm not sure the service was available in the late 90's early 00's though.

Thinking back, after he was born, all the doubts were forgotten about. I was told by many of people that he looks like my family, but is this just something people say, I don't know. It was only when we got married and things started to go wrong sometime into the marriage that the paternity doubts resurfaced. This is horrible but in a way I think I was looking for a way out that her family could not blame me on. My experience with her family when we first broke up was torture. I also was exploring all roads to try explain my wife's behavior. Only a small part of me expected the test to come back with bad news.

Some good points were made regarding the right time to tell him. He has two more years left in college, I'm thinking when he graduates would be the best time although I'm still pondering that. I'm firmly on the side of the fence that he should know.

I don't know what to do about my wife. I'm still not 100% convinced she knows herself. Perhaps she is in denial, I don't know. How can anyone have the nerve to do that? Although she is not perfect (who is), I cant see her going through with such a deception. I cant understand how she would purposely put him in danger (some points on thread about his family medical history are things I never really thought about). She is mad about the lad. Maybe the thought of hurting him so bad is what keeps her maintaining the lie.

Knowing my wife like I do, I think if I presented her with the evidence, she would at most pretend she did not know herself. If she had lied up to this point, she would be capable of anything. I don't know how anyone can have the nerve to do such a thing, maybe she is in a deep state of denial and genuinely believes I am the dad, or is that my naivety once again?

Thanks again for taking the time to read, it has been helpful to me.

ManOfMystery

husband&dad wrote: »

I don't know what to do about my wife. I'm still not 100% convinced she knows herself.

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate.

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out.

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows.

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

Bandana boy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate.

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out.

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows.

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

People can make themselves believe anything , You tell a lie often enough it can be hard to remember its not the truth

professore

I think you need a good heart to heart with your wife. If she keeps denying it I would be done as she clearly thinks you are a gullible idiot who would believe literally anything.

To be 100% clear there is NO excuse for deception like this, you did nothing wrong. There might be good reasons in her head she didn't tell you. I wouldn't be surprised if her family knew all along she was pregnant from the other guy - as others have alluded to it could be rape / incest or anything. I am very doubtful though since she put the conception date from before you got together - that's a major major red flag, as it would suggest she had a good idea when it happened and it wasn't ongoing abuse or anything. None of that justifies deceiving you though.

Where I grew up it was common knowledge that certain girls did this to "make a decent woman of her" - i.e. get pregnant with some guy who had no interest in her and then go crazy after another guy who would be "out of his league" - in her head - to marry. There were even some kids who were the spitting image of some other man in the town. If she was very sexual from the start this would point very much that way.

Did she have boyfriends before you knew her?

ManOfMystery

Bandana boy wrote: »

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate.

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out.

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows.

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

People can make themselves believe anything , You tell a lie often enough it can be hard to remember its not the truth

Small things, sure.

But the parentage of your only child? I don't think she's convinced herself of anything, she's just kept up a lie for 2 decades.

.......

This post has been deleted.

[Deleted User]

Just on the issue of telling your son. I don't think you should put this off for two years.
As it is, he is going to think his mother kept this secret from him for years, I don't think you doing the same is a good idea.
Yes he will need a lot of support but from what I have read you are clearly his father in all but dna, & are willing to do whatever you can for him.

ManOfMystery

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

OP posted this:
"She told me that there was no possibility that anyone but myself could be the father. She did have casual boyfriends before she met me but she promised that the last time she was with anyone in a way that could result in pregnancy was a couple of months before we met. We spoke about this for a couple of weeks, she wasn't to communicative though. "

Given the current DNA result, there are only 2 possible scenarios. The wife was either lying, or else she was somehow inseminated without her knowledge - which would imply rape whilst she was passed out or asleep. However if this was even a possibility - which she must have considered when her partner questioned the conception/gestation dates - then surely she would have wanted to know exactly what happened to her and who did it? Being non-communicative about things would imply to me she was lying.

steddyeddy

The DNA results (99%) accuracy reveal the OP's wife had sex with someone else around the time the OP did. It would be extremely hard to believe that she didn't know. If she did know then I would advise the OP to leave. It sounds like an unhappy marriage anyway so couple that with a wife who lies about her son's parentage and you have a very toxic relationship.

Payton

I kind of know what your your going through.
20 odd years ago my ex wife whilst drunk accused me of not being the father of my daughter. For the 20 years I debated with myself on what to do. Break up the family and destroy my daughter's and son's world, i stayed and held the secret until a tragic incident accured and I had to tell my daughter who was 23 at the time..I offered DNA testing but she declined Her response was "You'll always be my father..my dad and no one can ever take your place" my daughter is the spit of me in ever mannerism and my beautiful grandson is like me too, when he was born my daughter said to me there is definitely no doubt in your daughter.
Your life must be in such upheaval and taughts racing through your head.
What ever way you handle this there will be years and heartbreak yet I dont think you'll give up on this lad. You reared him, you loved him, you showed him how to be a boy and a man, you showed him wrong from right and he seems to be doing well for himself and thats down to you.
Do what feels right for you. Yes there will be no going back from this yet what ever happens you can't put it back together.
Forgivnesss is something we all find, you did what you knew best at the time and that cant be taken away.
What I will say is you need to protect yourself and the man that you reared as your son.
Best of luck.