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Girlfriend Cheated...sort of

HarryGa

Hi all,

This is a crazy enough one but just wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 years. Both 33. Generally things are great between us. She's very open about stuff and never really hides anything or gives me reason to question her.

Anyway, she started a new job recently. I had met her colleagues on a night out and some of the married guys she worked were up to no good on the night out. Anyway, After a few months I found some normal selfies of a married man on her phone. She lied to me and said they were from one of the girls, I knew this wasn't true and kept pulling her on it, eventually after a few days she admitted that they were from him after I threatened to message him. I was fuming but willing to overlook it as she said he messaged her slagging and she felt as she had to work with him it would be rude not to respond.

Anyway a few weeks later I find she had called this same man. When I pulled her on it she admitted that she did but it was only because she wanted to warn him that I was going to contact him and explain why? That I had seen the selfies. Again I was raging but decided to forgive. We haven't been normal since I seen the selfies, I'm obviously on edge and she's really upset and crying all the time because we're not getting along that well.

Just yesterday I still had a niggling doubt that there was something still didn't add up so I got her phone(which she still never hides from me) and I messed him off it. I ended up finding out that he tried to kiss her. She pulled away immediately and was mad at him

When I asked her to give me the full story what she said was. He initially sent her a selfie with a message, she responded and then he messaged again and she responded shortly and that was it. Then I found out about it and threatened to message him when she denied so she called him to tell him, the next day at work he asked to speak to her privately and asked what was going on and was afraid I'd message incase his wife got the wrong idea and when they were talking he leant in and kissed her but as he admitted in the messages to me(thinking he was messaging her) she pulled away immediately and went crazy. She then said she has since been in contact with him asking him to not mention the attempted kiss to anyone as if her boyfriend(me) found out I wouldn't be comfortable with her working there.

Basically that's the story, it's gone on for over a month and she's lied continuously so I maybe should not believe a word she says based on that. She's basically lied about everything until I found out myself. She told me she didn't tell me about the initial messages because I thought these guys were bad news and would be uncomfortable with them.

What is getting me is she's never been up to anything before afaik and is always open with her social media and phone. She's basically been non stop crying all the time for the past month because we have fought over these messages. This man isn't attractive and is married. Am i a fool to forgive? My gut is telling me she will forever see me as weak if I do forgive.

Can things be salvaged from here?

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GingerLily

professore wrote: »

Lying about someone hitting on you is hardly a white lie though. I didn't eat the last Rolo is a white lie. Why say it was one of the girls? It makes no sense unless you are hiding something or of course if you are dating a psycho.

If you think your partner tells you about every time someone hits on her your either:
a) getting a daily report or
b) sorely mistaken.

What would I know though?

pearcider

I have to agree with profesore stance on this. The consensus opinion in here is naive in the extreme. This situation is like an iceberg OP and you're only seeing the tip. Selfies and the kisses do not happen out of the blue with work colleagues much less with married ones...my guess is there was a long and sustained build up to this in terms of flirtation. She's still working with the guy too and this chemistry will surely continue. I'd be actively planning for the worst here. How is your sex life?

GingerLily

pearcider wrote: »

I have to agree with profesore stance on this. The consensus opinion in here is naive in the extreme. This situation is like an iceberg OP and you're only seeing the tip. Selfies and the kisses do not happen out of the blue with work colleagues much less with married ones...my guess is there was a long and sustained build up to this in terms of flirtation. She's still working with the guy too and this chemistry will surely continue. I'd be actively planning for the worst here. How is your sex life?

Interesting that women on this thread - who have probably been victims of unwanted attention - have one opinion, and some men seem to have the opposite opinions.

Why are you assuming she led him on? Do you understand that many women receive unwanted attention at work, and it's hard to reject their advances while keeping a low key and not causing a scene?

FurBabyMomma

What GingerLily said. He came on to her and she rejected him. It's not 'chemistry' if it's one sided.

[Deleted User]

pearcider wrote: »

I have to agree with profesore stance on this. The consensus opinion in here is naive in the extreme. This situation is like an iceberg OP and you're only seeing the tip. Selfies and the kisses do not happen out of the blue with work colleagues much less with married ones...my guess is there was a long and sustained build up to this in terms of flirtation. She's still working with the guy too and this chemistry will surely continue. I'd be actively planning for the worst here. How is your sex life?

Well, unfortunately for us women who work with this type of man, selfies & kisses & much much worse do come out of the blue.
Plenty.

pearcider

bubblypop wrote: »

Well, unfortunately for us women who work with this type of man, selfies & kisses & much much worse do come out of the blue.
Plenty.

Well I don't know where you work but that's awful to be forced to work with a sexual predator type personality. Such an individual would certainly not be tolerated in my workplace. Nevertheless, I feel from the ops description of events at least, that this is not the case.

GingerLily

pearcider wrote: »

Well I don't know where you work but that's awful to be forced to work with a sexual predator type personality. Such an individual would certainly not be tolerated in my workplace. Nevertheless, I feel from the ops description of events at least, that this is not the case.

Can I ask if you are male or female? It's VERY relevant for this conversation

wiggle16

pearcider wrote: »

I have to agree with profesore stance on this. The consensus opinion in here is naive in the extreme. This situation is like an iceberg OP and you're only seeing the tip. Selfies and the kisses do not happen out of the blue with work colleagues much less with married ones...my guess is there was a long and sustained build up to this in terms of flirtation. She's still working with the guy too and this chemistry will surely continue. I'd be actively planning for the worst here. How is your sex life?

I'm sorry, but this is pure speculation and assumption, based on nothing the OP has said - it is, as you say, a guess, and one which makes no sense. The OP has said she only started working there relatively recently, leaving no room for a "long and sustained build up".

The OP has already accepted his GF's version of events. And as unbelievable as it may seem, many women do get hit on and harassed at work and many workplaces are rife with this kind of culture - a minority of men engage in this kind of behaviour, but as a rule they're not that selective about who they do it to, meaning that there are far more women affected than there are men engaging in it. It has nothing to do with chemistry.

I worked in a supermarket for eight years, and for five of those I worked with a particular supervisor, who seemed like a perfectly decent guy. I am still close friends with the girls I worked with there, and it was only after I left that I found out from them that he was a prolific creep - touching, talking obscenely, attempted kisses, even pinning at least one of them against a wall, you name it. And this went on for years. I never knew about it and was furious that no one ever spoke up about it, or even told me about it at the time, I would have gone ballistic and reported/confronted him - besides, the store manager for much of that time was a woman and not the kind of woman who would have tolerated it if she had been told. None of them wanted to be the one to cause trouble, was the way they saw it.

With all due respect to you, just because you think it wouldn't happen where you work does not make it so.

And for that reason, the GF's version of events is perfectly plausible.

(I'm a guy, to be clear)

HarryGa

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'm sorry, but this is pure speculation and assumption, based on nothing the OP has said - it is, as you say, a guess, and one which makes no sense. The OP has said she only started working there relatively recently, leaving no room for a "long and sustained build up".

The OP has already accepted his GF's version of events. And as unbelievable as it may seem, many women do get hit on and harassed at work and many workplaces are rife with this kind of culture - a minority of men engage in this kind of behaviour, but as a rule they're not that selective about who they do it to, meaning that there are far more women affected than there are men engaging in it. It has nothing to do with chemistry.

I worked in a supermarket for eight years, and for five of those I worked with a particular supervisor, who seemed like a perfectly decent guy. I am still close friends with the girls I worked with there, and it was only after I left that I found out from them that he was a prolific creep - touching, talking obscenely, attempted kisses, even pinning at least one of them against a wall, you name it. And this went on for years. I never knew about it and was furious that no one ever spoke up about it, or even told me about it at the time, I would have gone ballistic and reported/confronted him - besides, the store manager for much of that time was a woman and not the kind of woman who would have tolerated it if she had been told. None of them wanted to be the one to cause trouble, was the way they saw it.

With all due respect to you, just because you think it wouldn't happen where you work does not make it so.

And for that reason, the GF's version of events is perfectly plausible.

(I'm a guy, to be clear)

Again thanks all for the responses.

My girlfriend knows that I messaged pretending to be her because the man called her the following day to clarify.

I'm not sure how much contact went on between them.

When I messaged the guy regarding the kiss he said it was a 4-5 second kiss then she pushed him away. But instead of telling me she continued to contact and call him (she claims this was to make sure he hid the truth from me)

When I've asked her about it she told me initially they didn't even touch lips and now she's saying it was less than a second.

I don't know what to believe with all the lies. Half of me wants to believe her and then feels bad that she felt these lies were necessary and half of me feels like I'm a fool to believe anything about this as she's lied already

We've never fought about someone else before, she messages other men, and I've never had an issue with it. So I'm not sure why she felt the need to hide this man.

[Deleted User]

I think you're reaction is the reason she felt the need to hide what this man did.
What this man did. Not her.

Edit,
He knows you text him, not her?
How embarrassing. I hope no-one else at work knows

Ursus Horribilis

OP, you're going to have to decide whether you believe her or not. Nobody on this thread is going to be able to give you a definitive answer. We don't know you or your girlfriend so all people can go on is what you tell us. Either you trust her and move on or you make some big decisions about what next. It's clear this is eating you up and you don't seem to be any further along the road than you were at the start.

HarryGa

bubblypop wrote: »

I think you're reaction is the reason she felt the need to hide what this man did.
What this man did. Not her.

Edit,
He knows you text him, not her?
How embarrassing. I hope no-one else at work knows

She wasn't to know my reaction...she's messaged men before and absolutely no reaction and why would there be she is entitled to have male friends and she should have male friends, I have female friends but I don't lie about my communication with them. My reaction was to the lies, she hadn't lied about someone else before so I didn't even know myself how I'd react.

HarryGa

bubblypop wrote: »

I think you're reaction is the reason she felt the need to hide what this man did.
What this man did. Not her.

Edit,
He knows you text him, not her?
How embarrassing. I hope no-one else at work knows

Yes he knows now because she told him.

KevinCavan

What I love about Boards.ie is:
Suspicion of man cheating on woman=the dirty rat, get rid of him, you deserve better.
Suspicion of woman cheating= a the poor pet, hold onto her, she was probably sexually harassed at work by a predator, she must be as pure as the driven snow.

retro:electro

I understand where you’re coming from op, and I do not understand most of the comments here; in particular the one that states the girlfriend is a victim of workplace harassment??? There are absolutely no grounds for making such an outrageous claim.
What is striking though is the context of the situation, and if it was the op’s girlfriend was the one looking for advice here, I can hazard a guess as to how the responses would fair.

I don’t agree with the op prying through her phone but let’s not act like we’ve never had an insecure moment in our lives. Relationships are meant to be built on trust but going by her behaviour I don’t blame the op for being suspicious of his gf. If some weirdo tried to kiss me at work, the first thing I would do is tell my boyfriend, especially if he was bombarding me with pictures of himself and my boyfriend was concerned. The op’s gf seems overly concerned with protecting her colleague, and honestly something about the whole situation doesn’t seem right to me. He said he’s not insecure about her having male friends, she has loads of them so painting him as a jealous monster is futile. Some of the responses here would have you scratching your head. She had an opportunity to be honest with her boyfriend, and instead she covered it up and protected her colleague. Also op I don’t buy that he didn’t know it was you he was texting. She already alerted him that you’d be contacting him so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew it was you all along and was covering their asses.

HarryGa

retro:electro wrote: »

I understand where you’re coming from op, and I do not understand most of the comments here; in particular the one that states the girlfriend is a victim of workplace harassment??? There are absolutely no grounds for making such an outrageous claim.
What is striking though is the context of the situation, and if it was the op’s girlfriend was the one looking for advice here, I can hazard a guess as to how the responses would fair.

I don’t agree with the op prying through her phone but let’s not act like we’ve never had an insecure moment in our lives. Relationships are meant to be built on trust but going by her behaviour I don’t blame the op for being suspicious of his gf. If some weirdo tried to kiss me at work, the first thing I would do is tell my boyfriend, especially if he was bombarding me with pictures of himself and my boyfriend was concerned. The op’s gf seems overly concerned with protecting her colleague, and honestly something about the whole situation doesn’t seem right to me. He said he’s not insecure about her having male friends, she has loads of them so painting him as a jealous monster is futile. Some of the responses here would have you scratching your head. She had an opportunity to be honest with her boyfriend, and instead she covered it up and protected her colleague. Also op I don’t buy that he didn’t know it was you he was texting. She already alerted him that you’d be contacting him so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew it was you all along and was covering their asses.

Thanks for the reply.

Like you said, I’m not in any way saying my behavior was good, it wasn’t...and I’m ashamed of it. I’ve only pointed out why I done what I done.

With regards to her warning him, that is possible and has crossed my mind. The problem with this situation is she’s told so many lies to cover it up, my mind is imagining all sorts of scenarios. But like others have said maybe she was worried I’d be angry, she has no reason as I’ve never reacted angrily to a situation about someone else before because it’s never been an issue. She’s a great looking girl, men hitting on her doesn’t bother me, I’ve known for a long long time this is how the world works. What has me bent out of shape is the lies

This all seems so out of character for her.

wirelessdude01

Only one question needs answering here and that is 'Why all the lies from her?'

Something not sitting right with all this and I think the OP knows this. All this BS about protecting her colleague, it should be the OP she is protecting.

Big Bag of Chips

So, what now?
We're 78 posts in and you don't seem any further on than your first post.

HarryGa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, what now?
We're 78 posts in and you don't seem any further on than your first post.

I agree. And I apologise if it’s become a drag on all of you too.

Big Bag of Chips

So... What now?

How are things with your gf now?

HarryGa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So... What now?

How are things with your gf now?

I’ve tried to get along and not fight. I don’t want to question her anymore. She’s upset constantly because we’re not like we were and I just feel so confused. Half of me thinks I’m a jerk for not comforting her and the other half makes me think I’m a fool to believe someone would lie for the first time about some innocuous messages.

leggo

The only plausible explanation that ties it all together OP is that she didn’t want to tell you because she knew your reaction. You know she’s done nothing wrong so there’s no reason to lie. Yet, even while she’s done nothing wrong, you continue to persecute her. When you’re with someone that long, you get to know them better than they know themselves in many ways because you can see the blind spots they can’t. Everything here points to you being completely unaware that you’re jealous and a bit possessive and you likely have form for this kind of behaviour that you’re omitting. You also can’t say that you’re not after checking her phone repeatedly to the point you pretended to be her to a work colleague and she then had to explain, and embarrass herself and you in doing so.

Sorry OP, but if someone came in and told us in work that their partner was checking their phone and pretending to be them, we’d all think their partner was an absolute possessive psycho and feel sorry for them (because even when you’re with a bad egg you tend to hide it from stuff like work, but now she can’t even do that anymore). You’ve got it all justified in your head but that’s still how you come across here and we’re not even getting your partner’s side of the story.

Lux23

retro:electro wrote: »

I understand where you’re coming from op, and I do not understand most of the comments here; in particular the one that states the girlfriend is a victim of workplace harassment??? There are absolutely no grounds for making such an outrageous claim.
What is striking though is the context of the situation, and if it was the op’s girlfriend was the one looking for advice here, I can hazard a guess as to how the responses would fair.

A man she worked with was sending her selfies and then tried to kiss her on a night out. And that's what we know about.

Katgurl

leggo wrote: »

The only plausible explanation that ties it all together OP is that she didn’t want to tell you because she knew your reaction. You know she’s done nothing wrong so there’s no reason to lie.

...

Sorry OP, but if someone came in and told us in work that their partner was checking their phone and pretending to be them, we’d all think their partner was an absolute possessive psycho and feel sorry for them...

No that is not the ONLY plausible explanation, that is ONE olausible explanation. Another is that she had something more to hide.

OP knows his girlfriend and knows himself. It is up to him to assess the situation, do some soul searching and decide which is more likely. And then im afraid OP you are gonna have to make a decision both of which are tough; take a leap of faith and trust her or move on without her.

As for the embarrassing in work accusation; probably not even that unusual in this work environment given the typical shenanigans and this man's general behavior.

leggo

Did you miss the part where the OP pretended to be his missus while chatting to this lad and got the full story that she did nothing wrong?

cailin.

Took me a while to decipher this thread from the beginning.

The way I see it is, it doesn't sound like a particularly happy or trusting relationship at the moment.
80 odd posts of advice and perspective and still no resolve isn't great either.

Whether you want to accept it or not, your behaviour of pretending to be your girlfriend was partially driven by insecurity as you weren't satisfied with your girlfriend's responses. The place your relationship is in now is sometimes more difficult than the heated discussions/ break period as you don't know what's going on.

You have to both be prepared to time time out, draw a line under all of this and move forward together as a team, not continue to berate eachother's actions.

If you don't, or can't foresee this working, then consider walking away. Relationships shouldn't be this tough.

Kuva

What did she say when you asked her why she lied?

You said you didn't know how you'd react yourself but maybe she did cuz of small things you said/did made you a bit of a dick...would she do things differently now...ringing him to tell you knew doesn't seem right...to chummy...but it's work so it is different...but I would have thought they wouldn't be speaking at all...I'd have expected her to tell him he crossed a f8cking huge crater and HR if he looked at her again.....she didn't shut it down...can the girls on here speak as to why she didn't...though he did it in private OP said so her word against his maybe....ehh....she's a quiet girl??

(Nothing wrong with going through her phone either, sometimes has to be done, ignored my gut before for months with a long term partner, gave her easy outs but she still lied to my face, looked at her phone and spent the next 17 weeks waiting for the all clear from the STD Clinic...not including all the rest of it.

Your "partner" may make someone less of a b*stard as you go through life but you can't trust anyone....grim reality of it.)

Harry, you have all the info to decide what to do, a week away in sunny Kerry is called for, to get ye back on track, see can you put it behind you.

ConnyMcDavid

How many of the women who get harassed at work would call the guy to warn him that their boyfriend is enquiring?

Sounds to me like she called to collaberate their story. But she has forgotten small details of it and has changed them, ie he didn't touch her lips....to it was only for 1 second.

It's easy to remember an incident when it's true, but harder when you have to make things up. And "he tried it on but I pulled away" is a classic go to story.

It's a good thing you are not soft.

professore

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'm sorry, but this is pure speculation and assumption, based on nothing the OP has said - it is, as you say, a guess, and one which makes no sense. The OP has said she only started working there relatively recently, leaving no room for a "long and sustained build up".

The OP has already accepted his GF's version of events. And as unbelievable as it may seem, many women do get hit on and harassed at work and many workplaces are rife with this kind of culture - a minority of men engage in this kind of behaviour, but as a rule they're not that selective about who they do it to, meaning that there are far more women affected than there are men engaging in it. It has nothing to do with chemistry.

I worked in a supermarket for eight years, and for five of those I worked with a particular supervisor, who seemed like a perfectly decent guy. I am still close friends with the girls I worked with there, and it was only after I left that I found out from them that he was a prolific creep - touching, talking obscenely, attempted kisses, even pinning at least one of them against a wall, you name it. And this went on for years. I never knew about it and was furious that no one ever spoke up about it, or even told me about it at the time, I would have gone ballistic and reported/confronted him - besides, the store manager for much of that time was a woman and not the kind of woman who would have tolerated it if she had been told. None of them wanted to be the one to cause trouble, was the way they saw it.

With all due respect to you, just because you think it wouldn't happen where you work does not make it so.

And for that reason, the GF's version of events is perfectly plausible.

(I'm a guy, to be clear)

Yes, and that's why men in general are slow to believe their girlfriends / wives when this happens because WOMEN NEVER TELL THEM. When they find out for themselves it looks like they are hiding something. And in some cases unfortunately they ARE hiding something. Especially if they cover for the guy "harassing" them - they are putting his well being over that of their partner. If the boss is a massive dick to his direct underlings but really nice to everyone else (I had a boss like this once) then you can be bloody sure I will tell my partner!

In a different thread a few months ago I spoke to my daughter directly about groping etc and if she had experienced it and her response shocked me. I really had no idea.

It's a strange one because most women demand full honesty in a relationship but are not honest about this kind of thing. This is something that your man needs to know upfront early on in a relationship ... if he can't handle it then move on!!!! It's that simple.

Without knowing the two of you, it's hard to know whether you are completely unreasonable or are justified in your suspicions. Either way, I think there is little or no trust on your side, so I think on that basis alone it's time to call it a day.

HarryGa

Just a little update.

2 months on and it's still on my mind. I'll go days without it bothering me but then out of nowhere something will come up and I'll just question the things that don't make sense.

It kills me because it really throws me and I'm not being myself at all, I find myself being insecure and worried about this situation that might never have even happened. I always thought that if I had to question anything like this about someone that I would just walk away. For some reason I can't walk away or bury it.

I'm still struggling to get my head around why she would save the photos? If they were messaging harmlessly then why save? Just delete if you thought I would have an issue. Saving is just weird. I'm also struggling to understand how or why a married man would try and kiss a woman when he knows her boyfriend is on to him and could tell his wife. This doesn't make sense, I understand she's not responsible for his actions but that's complete madness. Also they had agreed on a story that he would say to me if I ever did ask that he had sent those pictures to a colleague. Why would he get himself involved in this and lie for her when at that point all they had ever done was supposedly sent harmless messages? It seems odd that she would go to a guy she worked with and tell him all this when she doesn't even know him that well.

I've tried to be completely rational, if I was possessive or controlling or jealous then maybe all of that would be reason to hide this from me, but I know myself and I know she knows that in any other circumstance in the past I have not had a problem with her messaging a colleague or friend. Again, this isn't excusing my behaviour. Maybe nothing happened and everything is a coincidence and maybe I know everything now. But those are the things I'm still struggling with that just don't make sense or add up in my head.