Ursus Horribilis wrote: » Calling/texting 5-6+ times a day is way over the top if you're just platonic friends. It's interesting you mentioned the word co-dependent because it certainly sounds like that. I was starting to wonder were you a couple or something. It's probably good for both of you that this cycle has been broken. Even your concern for him is coming across on this thread as being a bit much for someone who's just a mate.
NinetyTwoTeam wrote: » Honestly if a platonic friend was contacting me 5-6 times a day, or was expecting me to contact them with that type frequency, we wouldn't be friends for long. It's excessive for even a relationship imo!
Paddy Cow wrote: » I don't think you should contact him while he's in rehab. He only has 6 weeks to work on his issues and break his bad habits. He needs time to focus solely on himself. Right now he doesn't need any distractions or dramas. He needs to figure out that his codependancy on you isn't healthy for either of you. When he comes out you could send him a text wishing him well and see how it goes from there.
walkingmuch wrote: » Looking for helpful comments only. "If I care" is not helpful. Of course I care, hence going to therapy and Al Anon. Our friendship wasn't based around alcohol, it was an incident. Are you speaking from experience?
Guessed wrote: » You jumped on the poster you were answering here as though their observation was groundless, when in fact their post made a very astute point, one you don't seem to have grasped yet. Your friend is in rehab, fighting for their health and future, but your post is about the impact on you, about what you need from the situation. You don't seem to have any insight into the fact that you are attempting to put your needs ahead of your friend's needs. Even in your last few posts, you type as though you're seeing the light, but only to blame him for being controlling and agree that he has co-dependency issues (which shows both no insight on your part and no idea what that term actually means, in this scenario, you are the one displaying co-dependency behaviours). Whatever this incident was, it appears you have a guilty conscience about it (rightly or wrongly) and you want to get you story to your friend, whether it helps them or not. You say you're going to therapy and Al Anon as though it was proof you're putting them first, but they show no such thing, they're for yourself and/or creating the impression you're helping. You also say your relationship wasn't based on alcohol, but with an alcoholic, that's actually not possible, every relationship in their lives is in some way related to or affected by their alcoholism, including the one between you and your friend. In your case, without knowing the details, it appears that you were somehow facilitating them. Perhaps you were doing that without realising, or maybe you didn't care, but either way you're going to have to stop putting your needs first and accept that their need is greater right now. If you can't be a genuine help, leave them alone.
walkingmuch wrote: » I have stopped putting my needs first
walkingmuch wrote: » I do feel guilty about walking out on him that night and yes I want him to know that
walkingmuch wrote: » sufficed to say there were key moments he may not have been around if I hadn't been present.
walkingmuch wrote: » I am aware now also that I have codependency issues, most of us do according just my therapist
walkingmuch wrote: » As for "perhaps I didn't care", that comment was unnecessary and very unhelpful, looking for a reaction that I won't rise to.
Guessed wrote: » Really? Make up your mind. I know you claim you're parking that need, but none of your posts actually show that to be true, it's all about your needs. This is a self-congratulatory plea for your heroism, claiming some supposed status as a lifesaver to support your argument. It's the clearest demonstration in your posts that you are co-dependent, you need him to be dependent so that you can signal virtue by claiming to be the one who has saved him, the very essence of co-dependency. No, we don't. We all have issues of one sort or another, but to suggest that "most" of us have co-dependency issues is nonsense, most of us aren't dependent on another person's dependency for our identity and validation. It was neither unhelpful or unnecessary, it might save a lot of grief in time, for your friend. I was convinced of what I first wrote, but now I'm also convinced that you're even more of the problem than your first posts suggested. Your friend has his phone in the evenings and hasn't contacted you, despite, according to you, being the one to initiate contact 5 or 6 times a day. That's part of a good start for him, hopefully he keeps it up. I'd suggest that the only real help you can give him now is to respect his choice not to contact you and return the favour, completely.
