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He slept with my colleague

ginandtonicsky

I know the answer to this, I'm just really having trouble processing how I can ever trust men or believe in love or any of that stuff again.

I went through a pretty brutal breakup about a year ago. It's been probably the toughest year of my life emotionally as a result. I've taken myself out of the dating scene for the most part ever since, I've rebuffed advances and just generally not been interested in anything with anyone.

I met a guy at a work conference about a year ago. We got on pretty well, were both the only two Irish people at the event, so there was the usual banter. In the ensuing year he became a client of mine so the relationship has always been professional, but always with that bit of banter. This year's conference rolled around and I saw him again, this time I brought along a new colleague of mine that recently joined my team.

We all got on, it was a great event professionally, and on the very last night this guy started messaging me asking me to come out, he likes me so much, he's had a thing for me since that first conference and only having the balls to say anything now, I intimidate him a little, he generally thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and all that stuff.

Nothing happened, but we started texting a lot and he asked me out on a date. We live in different cities and he asked me to meet in Paris (halfway) last weekend. I was undecided about how I felt about him, but knew we get on really well, we had lots in common, I was single...why not? So we met, it was by all accounts wonderful. He really made an effort with the restaurant, we kissed by the Eiffel tower, spent the night with each other because he "just wanted to spend the night with me" (no sex) and spent the next day walking around Paris hand in hand. it was like a fcuking movie lads. We sat on a park bench for hours, talking about what we'd been through, his mother dying when he was a kid, my sibling falling ill, my breakup, everything.

He couldn't stress enough how he wanted to see me again, he had a plan, he saw a future with me, he was so happy to finally get to spend time with me. Anyway, fast forward to yesterday. That same colleague that accompanied me to the event this year saw his name come up on my phone. She asked to meet for a drink after work. And she told me they hooked up at the event a few weeks before (and the night before he basically declared these big feelings for me). He messaged her and asked her to meet up late that night, they hooked up in the lift, she brought him back to her hotel room. I actually laughed when she told me, it's so surreal and absurd. This sort of thing has never happened to me before - what sort of sociopath do you need to be, like?!!

Not only that, but they had made plans to meet in another European city this weekend!????! He messaged that morning the day after we had both gotten back from Paris telling her he couldn't meet her, things had changed, he now has feelings for someone so it wouldn't be fair etc. This is the point that she saw his name on my phone and put two and two together. She asked him if he had feelings for me, he said yes. She asked him if he had slept with me too at the event, he said no. "Nothing is happening, but I have feelings for her and care about her and it wouldn't be fair."

I went to town on the prick, told him exactly what I thought of him and his entire defence was how he didn't think anything would happen between us but "Paris changed everything", he just wanted to hang out with me in Paris and it was just sex with my colleague, he made an error in judgement but was single and didn't see the harm.

To put in context, my colleague is quite promiscuous and casual sex doesn't mean a lot to her (and fair play to her), but we're good mates and I really value her honesty in all of this. As a result we'll probably have an even better friendship which is great. I'd be the opposite in that respect and am just glad I never slept with the fcuking pr1ck.

What I'm really struggling with is the emotional setback from all of this. I woke up this morning and cried for hours, I'm currently sat in the airport waiting for a flight to yet another country and the tears keep welling up. To make things harder, I saw my ex last night for the first time in months, in the midst of all of this, we told each other we still loved each other, he's doing well generally (a lot better than me!), has been seeing a therapist, dealing with his issues, etc. I know I'm really not helping myself here but I feel so fcuking broken lads, all of the heartache and pain have come back up again and being absolutely played in the most embarrassing way by this absolute pleb is digging up all of these new pains and insecurities too.

I guess I'm really just wondering if anyone has come through this sort of shyte before? How do I get through this? How do I not take to heart how badly I've been treated by a guy that seemed so genuine, how do I get over my ex, how do I ever believe and trust in love and relationships again?

Sorry for the thesis. All over the place at the moment.

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Katgurl

I don't think he's a prick. I think he really likes you. If your colleague is fond of casual sex and he is too then he was wuire right when he said what's the harm. He obviously didn't think he had a shot with you. You don't know if he planned to tell you about your colleague or not, your very first date probably didn't seem the right time. He was straight with her too about his feelings for you.

However, I do see how it has set things off on the wrong foot. I remember having a very very promising start with someone and arriving home and telling my good friend and flatmate about it. Unfortunately they had met online dating some time previously and slept together. She also had a lot of hookups.

I am not gonna tell you whether you should be ok with this or not. That is entirely up to you. I had to do a lot of soul searching and figure out how i would feel with him calling around to the apartment and her flirting with him (she was extremely competitive and attention-seeking when it came to men and I had no idea how he would respond). But you need to decide for yourself if it is something you can move past.

Imo you have no right to be so angry with him or her though.

skallywag

I'm really struggling to see your point of view here.

What exactly did he do wrong? He was open and honest in everything that he did. Yet you are still calling him a 'prick' multiple times and a 'pleb'?

Judging on your reaction I would say the chap is better off without you.

Idle Passerby

He didn't actually do anything wrong. The timing of the one night stand and the fact it was with your friend was unfortunate granted, but none of it constitutes wrong doing.

The fact that you and your ex still have feelings for each other makes it all moot in any case.

djan

I really fail to see what he did wrong here? My understanding is that right after he had this wonderful time with you he told the other girl he wasn't interested in pursing things further. I feel you are just judging him now for his (to you) promiscuous behaviour when he was single and fully entitled to it.

I understand how you feel but it is fully irrational to be angry at him as he has not done anything wrong.

I do think its clear that the issue here lies with you not being ready at all for a serious relationship until you sort out the hurt from your ex. It will take some time, and perhaps some counselling but you'll get there!

Sephiroth_dude

Not sure what to make of it being honest, why **** your friend when he wanted you all along? Are you getting any counselling yourself for the break up?

sexmag

Agree with everyone else here on the scale that he was fully entitled to do what he wants when single.

However it seems he may have been hedging his bets while pursuing you. I remember your posts on toher forums about him sending you cakes or something and looking forward to paris which was clearly to woo you

But then he sleeps with someone else prior to yours and his fantastic time together.

What you should really be looking at is how honest he was with this other woman and basically put her down because in his eyes you were the real catch he wanted (remember he didnt even sleep with you, it was all based on how amazing he thinks you are) so she probably feels worse off if anything and didnt owe you anything telling you.

The main issue here is after a year apart from your ex you both bump into each other (how i dont know as youre in different countries and flying around it seems) and tell each other you still love each other.

If there was any chance for you ansd this other guy i doubt it will happen if you still have feelings for your ex.

This guy sounds like a catch in my opinion, you might want to do some grovlling an apologise for "going to town on the prick" if you really think he is as a good as you made him out to be and not put up all these barriers of keeping people away

Neyite

He had a one night stand with her then on a night out with you it developed to a point where he knew he wanted to see more of you so he cancelled on your friend and told her why.

Sounds fairly decent tbh. There's many a person who would keep their options open by stringing both of you along until they decided which one they preferred.

But if you've got feelings for your ex then you really should sort that out before having someone else in your life that could be developing feelings for you.

heretothere

Ya, he didn't do anything wrong here. You are just looking for an excuse to not let him get close to you. He hooked up with your colleague, before ye even had your 1st date. Then before anything was even near official he called off his date with your colleague and showed he was decent enough to her feelings to give her an honest reason not to just ghost her.

I think you need to give him a proper chance. Forget the ex he is in the past.

dudara

Im struggling to see why you’re angry here. The guy seems to have done things decently here and appears to care about you. Take some time and step back from this to examine without emotion

Max Prophet

Not seeing an issue here at all tbh

ginandtonicsky

Really surprised at all the responses tbh. To me it was so black and white, he was texting both my colleague and I as we were sitting literally side by side and not being transparent with either one of us. She wa ms even getting the same morning texts from him! And he was love bombing me with platitudes about how amazing I am, how “there was just something about you from day one”, sending cupcakes to the office, while organising a date with my colleague! What in God’s name is genuine or honest about that? It’s sucb blatant game playing to me, and call me crazy but you don’t sleep with the colleague / friend of someone you have an absolute crush on. I don’t get how I’m alone in seeing that as wrong?

I’m not getting counselling for the ex thing but I obviously should be. I’ve put it off for a year now, it’s been a busy year with work and I really thought that time would be a healer. We live in the same country and he came around to give me a bunch of bills that had been sent to our previous home. I’d had the shock with my colleague and this fella about an hour beforehand and I just lost it.

skallywag

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

...he was texting both my colleague and I as we were sitting literally side by side and not being transparent with either one of us...

Did you expect him to say to you 'hey, by the way, I'm texting your colleague as well' ?

As soon as it was apparent that you and him could be an item then he immediately dropped your colleague. He has made it clear that his preference is you, and did not act the bollox by still stringing your colleague along. You have still decided to brand him a prick regardless. This is what I do not understand.

sexmag

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Really surprised at all the responses tbh. To me it was so black and white, he was texting both my colleague and I as we were sitting literally side by side and not being transparent with either one of us. She wa ms even getting the same morning texts from him! And he was love bombing me with platitudes about how amazing I am, how “there was just something about you from day one”, sending cupcakes to the office, while organising a date with my colleague! What in God’s name is genuine or honest about that? It’s sucb blatant game playing to me, and call me crazy but you don’t sleep with the colleague / friend of someone you have an absolute crush on. I don’t get how I’m alone in seeing that as wrong?

I’m not getting counselling for the ex thing but I obviously should be. I’ve put it off for a year now, it’s been a busy year with work and I really thought that time would be a healer. We live in the same country and he came around to give me a bunch of bills that had been sent to our previous home. I’d had the shock with my colleague and this fella about an hour beforehand and I just lost it.

So hes supposed to go for one woman and forget every other one exists while trying to pursue you? To be honest he didnt owe you anything and was entitled to do what he wants, he obviously fancied both of you, didnt know who was better or he had a shot with and when he slept with her and then had his day with you thought you were better. Would it have made a difference if you didnt know her and found out he was texting some other woman and slept with her before your date?

ginandtonicsky

I guess I expected him to not try to crack on with someone so close to me professionally and socially at the same time as me? If his feelings were in fact genuine and as deep as he said they were? Am I really in the minority in thinking that is appalling behaviour?

Max Prophet

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I guess I expected him to not try to crack on with someone so close to me professionally and socially at the same time as me? If his feelings were in fact genuine and as deep as he said they were? Am I really in the minority in thinking that is appalling behaviour?

It would appear that you are.

LegacyUser

How and why does any of this matter if you’re still telling your ex you love him!?

ginandtonicsky

I find that so hard to believe. Like if you put yourself in my shoes. Someone you have a professional connection with, have known for a year, discloses deeper feelings and woos you over to the point where you travel to a different country to see them. And then you learn that literally the night before he expressed these deeper feelings, he had sex with your colleague/mate? If I’m in the minority fair enough but I cant imagine ever thinking that is not **** behaviour tbh. It’s not my standard of behaviour anyway

weldoninhio

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I guess I expected him to not try to crack on with someone so close to me professionally and socially at the same time as me? If his feelings were in fact genuine and as deep as he said they were? Am I really in the minority in thinking that is appalling behaviour?

He’s had a lucky escape from what I’ve read.

ginandtonicsky

I think that’s unnecessary and unfair

tupenny

People who usually have these crazy grand romantic notions at the start of relationships tend to default to their dramatic norm rather quickly as soon as some reality kicks in. Looks like you’ve done it in record time. If you’re kicking off already can you imagine how much you’d be wrecking his head after going out for a couple of years

valoren

His 'defence' completely stands up. He was single, he mentioned he felt intimidated by you but deeply attracted as well, he asked you out and you didn't meet that night but arranged a halfway date instead. It took him a year to pluck up the courage to ask. Maybe he didn't want to repeat that passiveness with your colleague and sought her out as well?

After the conference, he contacted your colleague to meet up to that end and they happened to sleep together. My guess is he thought it better to go for a drink with her and see where it goes than to sit in his hotel room watching Mock the Week repeats. People sleep together after a first 'date' all the time so nothing unusual or untoward there and as you say your colleague is promiscuous so who can blame him for that? Then when he subsequently spent an extended time with you on another date he became smitten, didn't feel intimidated anymore and subsequently ended the date plans with your colleague like a gentleman. Hardly prickish behavior to be fair to the guy. To do that immediately was class. Who is to know he hasn't had other dates in the intervening period with other women? He is single, free and available after all. Think about it, he was guaranteed sex with your colleague but he cancelled that when he fell for you. That should speak volumes.

He decided you were the one to pursue instead of your colleague. You're clearly a smart, tough cookie. The question now is were you interested after Paris as you seemed a little unsure to begin with? If so then an apology would be the classy thing to do here. I'm sure he's aware of the challenges and ****ty time you've had and it sounds to me like he would be accepting of any apology or misunderstanding. It might be the best thing you could do here for you both.

weldoninhio

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I think that’s unnecessary and unfair

Unnecessary - maybe
Unfair - maybe
True - Undoubtedly

He’s done nothing wrong and you’ve branded him a prick how many times in your OP?? Come down from your ivory tower and into the real world, princess.

Shelga

People are being unnecessarily mean to the OP. She was taken by surprise. I do think though, if he is a nice guy, don’t just throw him away. Try to see it from his point of view. I don’t think he’s a sociopath. He sounds like he did the right things, you would just prefer if he hadn’t been with your friend. I can understand that but don’t think it means he’s a prick.

homerjay2005

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Really surprised at all the responses tbh.

the way you worded it above, gives impression that -

a - he really likes you.
b - he never thought anything would happen with you so tried it on with the other girl
c - it meant nothing to him.
d - he was single, so entitled to do what ever he wished.

i think he didnt do a whole lot wrong in essence - i CAN see where you are coming from a little bit but life is life, people have different expectations, behaviours and perceptions. if you really like him, meet him and talk to him and see if he is genuine but i think you are somewhat over reacting and its probably related to your previous relationship more than him.

Faith

I’m struggling to understand where exactly the issue lies. Is it that he slept with another person while having feelings for you, or that he slept with your colleague?

If it’s the former, did you expect him to be celibate or somehow saving himself for you?

If it’s the latter, try to think what it is exactly that bothers you that he slept with your colleague. Do you feel she’s competition in some way, and/or are you experiencing jealousy? Does it affect your friendship with her? Does it feel like he just wanted a go of anyone and cast a wide net, perhaps diminishing his professed feelings for you? These are just off the top of my head and no reflection on you, btw.

It can be helpful to try to really get to the root of the issue, hence the questions.

Just to say, I agree that I don’t think he did anything wrong - justfor the purposes of polling!

miamee

I think people are being a bit unfair to the OP here. Technically, he has done nothing wrong - he was single, he had a one night stand with a woman then pursued another woman he really liked around the same time while trying not to give either woman false hope.

However the fact that he has slept with her colleague would be enough to put some people off. The fact he slept with anyone the night before declaring his feelings might put some people off (how sincere is he really being, etc) but the two together (sleeping with a colleague the night before he declared his feelings) has to be hard to take regardless of how black and white it appears to anyone else.

OP I think someone else hit the nail on the head when they said that you might be looking for reasons to push him way. Maybe to avoid being hurt (your first reaction despite thinking he was lovely was 'what a pr!ck'), maybe because you're pushing yourself too soon into a relationship/dating scenario that you are not ready for. It's clear there is still unfinished business from your previous relationship that you need to clear up before attempting any kind of new relationship I think. So while this guy has done nothing really wrong, it has just shown to you that you are not ready for this, not yet.

Addle

Would it bother you as much if it was someone you didn't know?

lunamoon

Struggling as well here to understand what the issue is? He was interested in you both, realised he could see a future with you so dropped your colleague. Would you prefer if he had strung you along?

Also, why did your colleague tell you? Was she annoyed that he had dropped her for you and was trying to cause drama?

Hitman3000

OP has said she still loves her ex so the new guy to my mind is best to move on. His sleeping with her co worker is irrelevant as he was free and single at the time. When he thought there was more to him and the OP he told the other woman of his feelings. Can't see what the guy did wrong to be treated in such a fashion. The OP on the other hand has still feelings for her ex but was happy to led this lad on.

LegacyUser

OP, I'd be of the same thinking as you. If a guy was behaving and speaking to me the way this guy was with you only to be sleeping with someone else in the meantime, I'd find it disingenuous. His actions and words would ring untrue for me. Especially, as you said, with someone you're close to. For me, if I really like someone I'm not wired to chase others - my energies go into that person I really, really like. But, clearly, we are in the minority. I probably wouldn't have gone off on him, just politely declined any further contact in a romantic setting.

That being said, I think your real issues lie with your ex - this guy just exacerbated things for you. Maybe your reaction would not have been as intense if you weren't still feeling the effects of your breakup with your ex.

You said you and your ex still have feelings for each other. Do either of you want to give it a second chance? Focus on that or getting over him with aid of counselling and forget for now dating anyone. It doesn't sound like you're ready to.