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Child Item

3rd child or not

LegacyUser

Would like some opinions on this situation, I am married 10 years and have 2 children that are aged 8 and 6.

After the 6 year old was born we had 3 years of a rough patch as they were a disaster sleeping at night. We tried everything and went down all the usual avenues but nothing worked, child was just a bad sleeper and that was it.

A good night they would be up 6-7 times, think the worst was about 16. This had a huge impact on our quality of life and my wife even gave up her job as she could not cope with sleepless nights. Anyhow eventually they grew out of this and started sleeping much better after starting school.

Now we had always said we would have 3 kids. During the really bad period we had a miscarriage, then my wife had an unrelated health scare, that was all sorted and we had
2 more miscarriages since, last one about 18 months ago. After all the miscarries she needed hospital intervention, but on the last one there was a complication and she lost an awful lot of blood, they struggled to get it under control and she nearly died. She was in hospital for 10 days and then had to go back every 2 weeks for 6 months for checkups.

Once that was sorted the on the last Consultant visit she asked about trying again. The consultant said that considering the history we could try again but if that if she was in our position we should consider the family we have already and not go through all the worry and risk again.

I had to say I was happy to hear this as I was really going off the idea myself after the last experience and the fact that we now would have a big gap between a new baby and the next child. But my wife does not agree and is adamant she wants another child.

So for the past year or so we have rowing about this, its a horrible situation cause there is no compromise possible, someone will get what they want and the other wont.

I'm fearful I will resent a child if we have one, I'm fearful I might be left with 3 children on my own. We hardly ever have sex now as I want to use contraception. We have money issues also as she has still not gone back to work and says she wont until after 3rd child.

Am I being selfish here or should i just give in? Things have got so bad lately that I think the relationship could end if I dont. Thank you for reading.

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Bandana boy

If not trying for a child will end an otherwise good relationship then I am not sure an on the Qt snip is such a bad idea .
It serves the Hubbys quiet reasoned argument for not having another child while stopping arguments over the issues that are tearing the relationship apart .

I am taking it as read that OP has tried to reason with the wife and she is not for turning from the idea despite the outlined risks .

bee06

Bandana boy wrote: »

If not trying for a child will end an otherwise good relationship then I am not sure an on the Qt snip is such a bad idea .
It serves the Hubbys quiet reasoned argument for not having another child while stopping arguments over the issues that are tearing the relationship apart .

I am taking it as read that OP has tried to reason with the wife and she is not for turning from the idea despite the outlined risks .

It would most likely kick the can down the road though. What happens if they “try” for a year and she wants to do fertility treatment because she wants the baby so badly. They’re back at another impasse that needs to be dealt with.

TheBoyConor

That's one issue with the QT snip.

If she starts to insist how is he going to answer for the fact he is sterile and had the snip.

Paddy Cow

Bandana boy wrote: »

If not trying for a child will end an otherwise good relationship then I am not sure an on the Qt snip is such a bad idea .
It serves the Hubbys quiet reasoned argument for not having another child while stopping arguments over the issues that are tearing the relationship apart .

I am taking it as read that OP has tried to reason with the wife and she is not for turning from the idea despite the outlined risks .

Getting a QT snip is a huge betrayal. The op has a good case for not having another child now or ever but his wife is all over the place emotionally. It would be better if he could talk her into seeking counselling where she could work through her emotions and come to the same conclusion. To simply go behind her back and make that decision for the both of them is one that could wreck their marriage. How would the op even hide that he's had a QT snip?

Bandana boy

bee06 wrote: »

It would most likely kick the can down the road though. What happens if they “try” for a year and she wants to do fertility treatment because she wants the baby so badly. They’re back at another impasse that needs to be dealt with.

It worst case leave you were you are now which is needing to make a stand that could end the relationship . But it also gives you a chance that this "baby fever" abates , and she accepts that it wasn't meant to be.

Bandana boy

I think if roles were reversed and a Woman took the pill on the QT to avoid a third child and avoid constant arguments nobody would bat an eye lid .
Now I know the pill is not permanent but surely its a close enough scenario.

Paddy Cow

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That's one issue with the QT snip.

If she starts to insist how is he going to answer for the fact he is sterile and had the snip.

In your earlier advice, you said he simply blames her previous miscarriages for this. Do you still think that is good advice?

Paddy Cow

Bandana boy wrote: »

I think if roles were reversed and a Woman took the pill on the QT to avoid a third child and avoid constant arguments nobody would bat an eye lid .
Now I know the pill is not permanent but surely its a close enough scenario.

I think if a woman had had three previous miscarriages where she suffered more with each one to the point where she was in serious danger with the last one, her consultant advised her not to have anymore children and her husband was pressuring her for a third child, no one would blame her for going on the pill to potentially save her life.

Going on the pill does not stop you from having a baby ever. If the woman in your scenario had no health problems and just decided on the QT to have her tubes tied, then I'd say that is a betrayal of her husband and she shouldn't make such a final decision without input from him.

This is not a case where you can reverse the genders and apply the same standards. No one is disagreeing with the op. Having a third child is probably a bad idea. If he wants to use condoms until they are both on the same page, fair enough. Contraception is not a bad idea here. Deception is.

Larbre34

OP needs to take back the control of this situation. Tell the wife straight up that his concerns about her physical health and their financial future has has made him decide their original thoughts of having 3 kids are now not practicable, that he would rather have a full life raising the two kids they have and be thankful rather than being stressed for many years to come.

And if his wife cant accept that then they need to explore separation due to irreconcilable differences. Leaving the issue hanging out there, rolling on and on with no point from which to move on and recover is destructive and toxic and will end them eventually anyway.

TheBoyConor

Yeah but what I mean there is if she insists on fertility treatment and the clinic wants to do a semen analysis or something. The game will be up then because he'll obviously be found out. What's he going to say?
I fell climbing over a gate and knackered my vasa deferentia?

And Bandana boy you are 100%. If the genders were reversed and he was trying to make her have a baby people would be calling it abuse and bullying, and rightly so.
But because it's a woman trying to bully a man into getting her pregnant then it's "aww, sure the poor woman, she has baby fever" "aww, her emotions must be traumatised from all the miscarriages" etc. Woman getting a free pass on the basis of gender.. what's new boards?

And then I bet if a woman wanted to get tubes tied and was recommended input from the partner then people would be saying "no no no, why should she have a day on what she does with her own body, the patriarchy etc" and there's nothing wrong with that. Your body is your own and it's not for others to use our decide what you do with it, husband wife of stranger.

And if I was op I would be thinking condoms? sure why would I even want to sleep with this person who disrespects me and makes me want to do something I don't want to do. It's a complete turn off.

If I was in a situation like that I'd be inclined to tell her go have her baby if that's what she wants but she'll have to get a ivf sperm donation.

Paddy Cow

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yeah but what I mean there is if she insists on fertility treatment and the clinic wants to do a semen analysis or something. The game will be up then because he'll obviously be found out. What's he going to say?
I fell climbing over a gate and knackered my vasa deferentia?

And Bandana boy you are 100%. If the genders were reversed and he was trying to make her have a baby people would be calling it abuse and bullying, and rightly so.
But because it's a woman trying to bully a man into getting her pregnant then it's "aww, sure the poor woman, she has baby fever" "aww, her emotions must be traumatised from all the miscarriages" etc. Woman getting a free pass on the basis of gender.. what's new boards?

And then I bet if a woman wanted to get tubes tied and was recommended input from the partner then people would be saying "no no no, why should she have a day on what she does with her own body, the patriarchy etc" and there's nothing wrong with that. Your body is your own and it's not for others to use our decide what you do with it, husband wife of stranger.

How many times do I have to say this? No one thinks it's a good idea to have a third child. Having a QT snip is not the way to go about it. It's a HUGE deception that will create more problems than it will solve and I would say the same thing if it was a woman who wanted to have her tubes tied on the QT. They are partners in a marriage and need to find a way to work through this together and if they can't, then they should consider separation. Lies always come back to haunt.

TheBoyConor

In this situation I'd be laying things down straight for her and the reasons why. And if she was insistent on it she could go do it via sperm donor & ivf but warned that it'll be *her* baby not our baby. Failing that she would be finding herself separated fairly fast.

Ursus Horribilis

I think counselling is the way to go here. Logically, everything you've told us points to it being unwise for you to have another baby. But as we know, logic doesn't come into it when a woman is yearning for a baby. Some women on this thread have already explained very eloquently on this thread what it feels like to want a baby even though it's not practical to have one. Your wife is being asked to give up on her dream - that she'd have 3 children - and that's going to take a lot of coming to terms with. The pair of you haven't been able to sort this between you so I think going to talk to a third party who's neutral might help.

FurBabyMomma

For such a sensitive issue, I've never seen such horrible, insensitive and downright disgusting advice in this forum. Suggesting lies and deception is wrong. Suggesting if the roles were reversed the advice would be different of misogynistic whatabouttery. I hope the OP has managed to salvage some usable advice out of this thread before it descended to this level.

dudara

That’s enough of the arguing.

If future posts do not offer constructive, helpful advice to the OP, they will be deleted and actioned. One of the mods will review this thread in due course and take any actions required.

dudara

Big Bag of Chips

TheBoyConor, advising a married man to tell his wife to go off and have a baby on her own, or "failing that she'd be separated fairly lively" is not advice. Marriage, families and children are not as black and white as that. If you cannot offer mature, sensible advice then please don't post.

OP, please always be mindful when asking for advice here, that you have no way of knowing if the person advising you is a mature person with real life experience, or a 14 year old boy who has just had his first kiss.

Of course, the only thing you can do is speak to her. Don't preach to her, don't ignore her. But speak to her, listen to her. Be kind to each other. Whatever you do, don't deceive her. Although you seem to have too much respect for her for that to be even considered. The desire for a child can be overwhelming, and all the 'bad' stuff can be minimised or forgotten.

All you can do is talk, talk, talk. Sometimes even just acknowledging the feelings and hurt goes a long way towards healing it.