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Girlfriend Cheated...sort of

HarryGa

Hi all,

This is a crazy enough one but just wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 years. Both 33. Generally things are great between us. She's very open about stuff and never really hides anything or gives me reason to question her.

Anyway, she started a new job recently. I had met her colleagues on a night out and some of the married guys she worked were up to no good on the night out. Anyway, After a few months I found some normal selfies of a married man on her phone. She lied to me and said they were from one of the girls, I knew this wasn't true and kept pulling her on it, eventually after a few days she admitted that they were from him after I threatened to message him. I was fuming but willing to overlook it as she said he messaged her slagging and she felt as she had to work with him it would be rude not to respond.

Anyway a few weeks later I find she had called this same man. When I pulled her on it she admitted that she did but it was only because she wanted to warn him that I was going to contact him and explain why? That I had seen the selfies. Again I was raging but decided to forgive. We haven't been normal since I seen the selfies, I'm obviously on edge and she's really upset and crying all the time because we're not getting along that well.

Just yesterday I still had a niggling doubt that there was something still didn't add up so I got her phone(which she still never hides from me) and I messed him off it. I ended up finding out that he tried to kiss her. She pulled away immediately and was mad at him

When I asked her to give me the full story what she said was. He initially sent her a selfie with a message, she responded and then he messaged again and she responded shortly and that was it. Then I found out about it and threatened to message him when she denied so she called him to tell him, the next day at work he asked to speak to her privately and asked what was going on and was afraid I'd message incase his wife got the wrong idea and when they were talking he leant in and kissed her but as he admitted in the messages to me(thinking he was messaging her) she pulled away immediately and went crazy. She then said she has since been in contact with him asking him to not mention the attempted kiss to anyone as if her boyfriend(me) found out I wouldn't be comfortable with her working there.

Basically that's the story, it's gone on for over a month and she's lied continuously so I maybe should not believe a word she says based on that. She's basically lied about everything until I found out myself. She told me she didn't tell me about the initial messages because I thought these guys were bad news and would be uncomfortable with them.

What is getting me is she's never been up to anything before afaik and is always open with her social media and phone. She's basically been non stop crying all the time for the past month because we have fought over these messages. This man isn't attractive and is married. Am i a fool to forgive? My gut is telling me she will forever see me as weak if I do forgive.

Can things be salvaged from here?

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[Deleted User]

work wrote: »

Do not understand the marriage thing we have grown up as a country surely? brother with same girl 20 years and happier than many married people.

Dating. If you’re with someone as a long term partner, then you’re not dating. If you’re still dating at 6 years in, you’re doing it all wrong.

professore

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Or it means he's a married sleaze who is chancing his arm or won't take no for an answer. Does she need to wear a neon sign or something?

Why did she keep the selfies if they were from a creep she isn't interested in? Selfies that could get her in hot water with you. That's the huge red flag for me.

She didn't let him kiss her but it sounds like they were in a position alone together where this was possible. Not good either. Why doesn't she report him to HR, and show them the selfies? With MeToo this is much easier than it used to be.

Or send the selfies to his wife. People have to take responsibility for their role in this. I always have drawn clear boundaries with female colleagues. It's dead easy with a married person.

On occasion even then you would get the odd one talking about "your lovely wife" or some such giving advance signals not to try anything. Others are neutral or give signals in the opposite direction - their horrible husband, looking for excitement in their life, sitting close and touching you etc etc. I don't know where on this spectrum your girlfriend falls. I do know if I don't discourage this behavior strongly then it will continue to escalate. And that's women - men are far more persistent.

And saying a guy is not attractive is rubbish.. as a man you literally have no idea what women find attractive. Look at Jack Nicholson or Gerard Depardieu FFS.

Having said that OP you do come across pretty badly in how you handled it. If you're not happy, just walk. I would if I were you. Once the lies, omissions and half truths start it's time to go.

Big Bag of Chips

But she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She knew "admitting" anything to you was going to throw all this up. Her messaging him, could have been her being polite. You saw the messages. Did she send anything that would make you question her? You heard it from him, himself, he tried to kiss her and she backed off. Not every woman is confident and able to bat off the advances of an older/more senior colleague.

From what you say, your gf was being polite. She was targeted by a man who liked the look of her and chances his arm. She politely engaged in conversation/texts at first, and he started off subtly. Nothing untoward, nothing to make her feel too uncomfortable.. odd selfie of him with a beer, or watching telly whatever. Maybe she was starting to feel uncomfortable, maybe she was uneasy with the level of contact, but yet there wasn't anything really in it for her to tell him she wasn't interested. Then he tried it on, and she knew what had been going in all along.

Look, only you know her. Maybe she's a nice girl/woman! Who got caught up in this without really realising where it was heading. Or maybe she's a gezzabel who goes around flirting with every married man she sees and enjoying the excitement of leading them on and then turning them down, and all the time playing the innocent to her boyfriend.

Only you can decide which she is.
And only you can decide what to do with your relationship from here.

Bullocks

HarryGa wrote: »

I wasn't saying this in an angry way at all...I was only trying to paint a picture. He isn't an attractive male and she is an attractive female, if he were very attractive then it would make more sense that she might have something going on with him.

I'm also not angry towards him, he doesn't know me, he's not in a relationship with me and so owes me nothing...

I'd say he could owe you a lot if you threatened to tell his wife about his carry on.

HarryGa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ok, I wasn't sure whether he knew it was you.

Well then you know he tried it on, and you know she told him no. All this 'me too' stuff going on should make you realise how often men give unwanted attention to women, and how sometimes the woman can feel too uncomfortable to outright say "I'm not interested".

It's all well and good saying "all she has to do is x, y, z", "she should have done a, b, c".. oftentimes it's not that easy. If there's a culture of 'banter' in a place, and there are lots of long standing employees who all know each other and are comfortable with each other and all have this sort of relationship going on (I don't mean going as far as cheating, I mean harmless flirting and innuendo) then it can be difficult as a new person to come into that and assert your authority that you will not tolerate it.

If there's a very flirty atmosphere in the company, then maybe your gf felt very uncomfortable, but unable to stop this man's advances. If that is what happened, then whether he knows you or not, you should absolutely have a problem with him! Now people can argue, if your gf didn't give him an outright 'no', then how was he to know she was uncomfortable, but the other side of that is if he made your gf feel uncomfortable then she didn't feel confident enough to give him an outright no and hoped he'd just eventually get the message.

It's a very complicated scenario, and if you messaging this man, as your gf, has confirmed that she did nothing wrong, then that's that.

You cannot blame your gf for the actions of someone else. And you cannot blame her for not immediately telling him to back off and leave her alone. It's not always that easy, as a woman on the receiving end.

I absolutely get that. What I'm worried about is that she was messaging him and lied, then tried to cover it up and also lied when I asked has anything inappropriate happened between them

Big Bag of Chips

HarryGa wrote: »

Thank you, he admitted to kissing her and her pulling away through text that he believed were from her but were actually sent by me. So he wasn't aware he was admitting it to me

Ok, I wasn't sure whether he knew it was you.

Well then you know he tried it on, and you know she told him no. All this 'me too' stuff going on should make you realise how often men give unwanted attention to women, and how sometimes the woman can feel too uncomfortable to outright say "I'm not interested".

It's all well and good saying "all she has to do is x, y, z", "she should have said a, b, c".. oftentimes it's not that easy. If there's a culture of 'banter' in a place, and there are lots of long standing employees who all know each other and are comfortable with each other and all have this sort of relationship going on (I don't mean going as far as cheating, I mean harmless flirting and innuendo) then it can be difficult as a new person to come into that and assert your authority that you will not tolerate it.

If there's a very flirty atmosphere in the company, then maybe your gf felt very uncomfortable, but unable to stop this man's advances. If that is what happened, then whether he knows you or not, you should absolutely have a problem with him! Now people can argue, if your gf didn't give him an outright 'no', then how was he to know she was uncomfortable, but the other side of that is if he made your gf feel uncomfortable then she didn't feel confident enough to give him an outright no and hoped he'd just eventually get the message.

It's a very complicated scenario, and if you messaging this man, as your gf, has confirmed that she did nothing wrong, then that's that.

You cannot blame your gf for the actions of someone else. And you cannot blame her for not immediately telling him to back off and leave her alone. It's not always that easy, as a woman on the receiving end.

HarryGa

bubblypop wrote: »

The title says your girlfriend cheated..... Sort of.
She didn't. Not in any kind of way.
She didn't tell you that some married bloke where she works is sleazing onto her, why? Maybe she is afraid of your reaction?
Maybe she is right.

Well I understand she is an attractive woman, I understand men are going to try it on. She knows I've no issue with that, it's life.

This collegue planted his lips on her and she decided to not tell me that even when I asked her had anything inappropriate ever happened. I accept he was a creep and she couldn't control it but why lie, her lying made me question was there more.

HarryGa

marklazarcovic wrote: »

Would she be Happy op if the roles were reversed and it was a woman sending you pics, trying to kiss you, a woman who is married and goes off with different men..

100% she would be as unhappy and untrustful as you are right now. Don't be hard on yourself,it's a natural reaction.

Personally I've a zero tolerance approach to unwanted attention and I expect similar from my partner,only way things don't get confused.

Generally I believe she has, this guy got her number from a collegue and she claims she felt obliged to text him back and not appear stuck up. Then things escalated. I agree me with her phone was wrong but I suppose I realised once she had lied about some of it then she wasn't going to be honest about much else.

[Deleted User]

The title says your girlfriend cheated..... Sort of.
She didn't. Not in any kind of way.
She didn't tell you that some married bloke where she works is sleazing onto her, why? Maybe she is afraid of your reaction?
Maybe she is right.

HarryGa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's a tough one, OP. Usually your gut tells you something, and people are always told to trust their gut. Your first thread about this had her denying everything, then admitting somethings, then turning it around on you. It's the classic tactic of someone who has been caught doing something they shouldn't.

It's fishy that this married man is admitting to you that he tried to kiss your gf, but claiming she immediately pulled away. (Married men tend not to go around admitting to kissing other women, especially not yo their boyfriends!) I'm not sure if you are seeing more than is there, but you seem to be describing, in your other thread too, very open cheating by her married colleagues. Maybe people are that blatant, but I don't know if it's something that is definitely happening, or is it something that you are convincing yourself is happening. I am married, and I have "gone home" from nights out with married colleagues.. but "gone home with" means we shared a taxi. Nothing more.

I honestly don't know what to advise. Because, your gut has told you something isn't quite right, you've discovered something isn't quite right. You no longer trust her to the point you are checking her phone, texting other men, quizzing her.

Relationships end, regularly. People grow apart for different reasons. You don't have to stay in a relationship just because you've been going out for 6 years. If your relationship is to survive past this, it will mean you accepting what she tells you and moving on from it. Not moving on but checking her phone. Not moving on but constantly bringing it up. Not moving on but making her feel bad about this constantly.

You may never know the full truth. But, you have two choices, you believe her and continue your relationship with this behind you, or you don't believe her and decide to go your separate ways. There is absolutely no point in not believing her, being suspicious but continuing the relationship anyway. All that will do is make you both miserable and drive you apart eventually, anyway.

Thank you, he admitted to kissing her and her pulling away through text that he believed were from her but were actually sent by me. So he wasn't aware he was admitting it to me

HarryGa

work wrote: »

Finally I know you are angry with the other guy. mentioning his looks is really worrying. are you really shallow, would you understand or even forgive cheating if he was good looking, this is not relevant and again suggests you need to look at you.

I wasn't saying this in an angry way at all...I was only trying to paint a picture. He isn't an attractive male and she is an attractive female, if he were very attractive then it would make more sense that she might have something going on with him.

I'm also not angry towards him, he doesn't know me, he's not in a relationship with me and so owes me nothing...

Big Bag of Chips

It's a tough one, OP. Usually your gut tells you something, and people are always told to trust their gut. Your first thread about this had her denying everything, then admitting somethings, then turning it around on you. It's the classic tactic of someone who has been caught doing something they shouldn't.

It's fishy that this married man is admitting to you that he tried to kiss your gf, but claiming she immediately pulled away. (Married men tend not to go around admitting to kissing other women, especially not yo their boyfriends!) I'm not sure if you are seeing more than is there, but you seem to be describing, in your other thread too, very open cheating by her married colleagues. Maybe people are that blatant, but I don't know if it's something that is definitely happening, or is it something that you are convincing yourself is happening. I am married, and I have "gone home" from nights out with married colleagues.. but "gone home with" means we shared a taxi. Nothing more.

I honestly don't know what to advise. Because, your gut has told you something isn't quite right, you've discovered something isn't quite right. You no longer trust her to the point you are checking her phone, texting other men, quizzing her.

Relationships end, regularly. People grow apart for different reasons. You don't have to stay in a relationship just because you've been going out for 6 years. If your relationship is to survive past this, it will mean you accepting what she tells you and moving on from it. Not moving on but checking her phone. Not moving on but constantly bringing it up. Not moving on but making her feel bad about this constantly.

You may never know the full truth. But, you have two choices, you believe her and continue your relationship with this behind you, or you don't believe her and decide to go your separate ways. There is absolutely no point in not believing her, being suspicious but continuing the relationship anyway. All that will do is make you both miserable and drive you apart eventually, anyway.

work

harr wrote: »

I think it was the way he described it to be honest in my opinion dating is something you do at the start of a relationship, if he had described her as his partner or similar it might have better and no not everyone needs to get married or wants to.

OK fair enough I got the wrong end of the comment. Yes dating the wrong word but I think there is a need for him to grow up.

work

HarryGa wrote: »

Hi all,

This is a crazy enough one............normal selfies of a married man on her phone. She lied to me and said they were from one of the girls,........ he messaged her slagging and she felt as she had to work with him it would be rude not to respond.
........ few weeks later I find she had called this same man. When I pulled her on it she admitted that she did but it was only because she wanted to warn him that I was going to contact him and explain why? That I had seen the selfies. Again I was raging but decided to forgive.

Just yesterday I still had a niggling doubt that there was something still didn't add up so I got her phone(which she still never hides from me) and I messed him off it. I ended up finding out that he tried to kiss her. She pulled away immediately and was mad at him

When I asked her to give me the full story what she said was. He initially sent her a selfie with a message, she responded and then he messaged again and she responded shortly and that was it. Then I found out about it and threatened to message him when she denied so she called him to tell him, the next day at work he asked to speak to her privately and asked what was going on and was afraid I'd message incase his wife got the wrong idea and when they were talking he leant in and kissed her but as he admitted in the messages to me(thinking he was messaging her) she pulled away immediately and went crazy. She then said she has since been in contact with him asking him to not mention the attempted kiss to anyone as if her boyfriend(me) found out I wouldn't be comfortable with her working there.

Basically that's the story, it's gone on for over a month and she's lied continuously so I maybe should not believe a word she says based on that. She's basically lied about everything until I found out myself. She told me she didn't tell me about the initial messages because I thought these guys were bad news and would be uncomfortable with them.

What is getting me is she's never been up to anything before afaik and is always open with her social media and phone. She's basically been non stop crying all the time for the past month because we have fought over these messages. This man isn't attractive and is married. Am i a fool to forgive? My gut is telling me she will forever see me as weak if I do forgive.

Can things be salvaged from here?

I truly believe you should:
1) apologise to her for not trusting her as she has PROVEN she did not cheat through your very dubious method of slyly texting him. you should ask for forgiveness for this.
2) you should also explain you understand as she works with this guy that she is walking a fine line but must NEVER contact him again.
3) If you want to stay with her then move on and look seriously at you trust issues. I suspect she is more afraid or angry at your lack of trust than anything else. She is hugely upset and needs you. If for any reason you cannot Give her the trust support and love she needs then move on. She obviously wants to be with you but if are so petty and unsupportive then move on or change your mind set, it is very caustic.
Finally I know you are angry with the other guy. mentioning his looks is really worrying. are you really shallow, would you understand or even forgive cheating if he was good looking, this is not relevant and again suggests you need to look at you.
I think this is a watershed moment for you. if you are smart you will tell her you are sorry and want to be with her forever. you will be shocked at her reaction but you must mean it.
good luck

harr

She has only started in the new job and I definitely feel she doesn’t want to rock the boat and rightfully so..
Also I think the fact she knows he would be looking at her phone and didn’t delete pictures then she wasn’t trying to hide anything

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

harr

work wrote: »

Do not understand the marriage thing we have grown up as a country surely? brother with same girl 20 years and happier than many married people.

I think it was the way he described it to be honest in my opinion dating is something you do at the start of a relationship, if he had described her as his partner or similar it might have better and no not everyone needs to get married or wants to.

How Soon Is Now

OP you haven't done an awful lot wrong here yet its been turned around on you. From what you have posted on here the first time you where on her phone was innocent. You came across something which would make anyone want to find out more.

You only found out about this by total fluke mistake do you think she would of told you otherwise? I dunno I guess you know more then we do here.

If you think there's no more to it talk it threw with her and move on. Just don't let anyone pin any of this on you ffs.

If she found pics of girls on your phone no matter what the situation I doubt anyone be taking your side!

work

JayZeus wrote: »

In your 30’s and ‘dating’ for 6 years? Sounds a bit odd.

She didn’t cheat. Stop looking at her phone, trying to control her and feeding your own paranoia.

As for the ‘dating’ for 6 years, it’s about time you s*** or get off the pot, IMHO. Don’t be wasting her time with this pettiness.

Do not understand the marriage thing we have grown up as a country surely? brother with same girl 20 years and happier than many married people.

FurBabyMomma

Patww79 wrote: »

The fact he's still trying it on means he's not getting a definite 'not interested' from her.
_

Or it means he's a married sleaze who is chancing his arm or won't take no for an answer. Does she need to wear a neon sign or something?

marklazarcovic

Would she be Happy op if the roles were reversed and it was a woman sending you pics, trying to kiss you, a woman who is married and goes off with different men..

100% she would be as unhappy and untrustful as you are right now. Don't be hard on yourself,it's a natural reaction.

Personally I've a zero tolerance approach to unwanted attention and I expect similar from my partner,only way things don't get confused.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

dr.fuzzenstein

Patww79 wrote: »

Sometimes phone generally gets checked when it needs to be checked. Turns out hers needed to be checked or we all know where it was going, if it hasn't alreasy anyway.

Lack of trust can be as simple as someone that can't be trusted. It's not always on the part of the other party.

Do you check your partner's phone? Do you walk up to her and say "right, time for your weekly checkup, hand me the phone!" or do you snoop through it in secret?
What about her WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, Skype and emails? Would you check them too?
Do you think this is a better approach than trust? Snooping and paranoia?
If open and honest communication as well as trust do not exist in a relationship, then there is no relationship.
Secret or open spying on the other person is definitely bullying and borderline abuse.

TG1

She didn't cheat on you. In fact, she was put in a position where she could and she chose to be loyal to you.

However, if I was in a relationship where my other half repeatedly violated my privacy by checking my phone, I would be trying to get out of that situation as that screams excessively controlling and dangerously jealous to me.

My advice is have a look at your own behaviour and really think is the cause of all the upset your other half talking to a work colleague, or your jealous reaction.

FurBabyMomma

I have been in similar positions to your girlfriend before and it's horrible. Guys I thought were just platonic friends coming on to me even though they knew I was attached. It's upsetting and women often feel guilty even though they have done nothing wrong. Took me a while to realise that I shouldn't be blaming myself.

Your girlfriend did not cheat on you. How could you even think that? A guy came on to her and she pushed him away.

The messages are another issue. It could be that she didn't want to upset you because of the reaction she feared you would have - and are now having. Whatever the reason, there should be a discussion about how it is safe to tell you about male friends, and equally about males who make her uncomfortable, in a way that won't make her feel judged. There definitely seems to be a lack on communication and trust on both sides if she can't tell you these things and if you feel the need to go through her phone.

HarryGa

Colser wrote: »

I think you want to be told that she's not doing anything behind your back and that all is above board with the guy from work.I'd guess that you genuinely don't want to break up with her.

Unfortunately you know yourself that you're not happy with how she's behaving...not saying that she's doing anything wrong but we're all different with what we accept in certain situations and you're entitled to your feelings regarding her interactions with the work guy.

Id feel exactly as you do..why would he be sending pics of himself to her,it makes no sense and if it was all innocent why would she lie about it to you?Why would she need to ring him to give him a heads up that you were going to contact him?Would his wife think it was all innocent if she knew that they're in contact/sending pics etc..I doubt it.

I think you know you don't trust her,there's more going on than she's admitting to,lies can be worse than anything else...go with your gut .

This is the problem, I'm so confused.

I would have thought she was drawing this guy on herself if she replied and was having the craic with him. He was one of the guys that night that left with another woman so I know what his intentions would be. So in that regard I can see why she hid it. But the lying part is what gets me. And because of that I don't know what's true and what's not.

With regards the kiss, it was the guy himself that admitted he attempted if and she shot him down. So unless they somehow knew I was going to message from her phone then I believe it.

I suppose I'm wondering can couples work this stuff out or am I better off cutting ties now and letting us both move on?

I appreciate all the replies btw, they're really really helpful

Colser

I think you want to be told that she's not doing anything behind your back and that all is above board with the guy from work.I'd guess that you genuinely don't want to break up with her.

Unfortunately you know yourself that you're not happy with how she's behaving...not saying that she's doing anything wrong but we're all different with what we accept in certain situations and you're entitled to your feelings regarding her interactions with the work guy.

Id feel exactly as you do..why would he be sending pics of himself to her,it makes no sense and if it was all innocent why would she lie about it to you?Why would she need to ring him to give him a heads up that you were going to contact him?Would his wife think it was all innocent if she knew that they're in contact/sending pics etc..I doubt it.

I think you know you don't trust her,there's more going on than she's admitting to,lies can be worse than anything else...go with your gut .

harr

She dealt with it in her own way ,and she has to work with him and probably knew you would have flown of the handle and conforted him so that’s why didn’t tell you.
I would be more worried about your need to snooping through someone else’s phone.
You do realise you are coming across as very controlling and in your own words you are still only dating for 6 years.
Give her some space let her deal with it or maybe she is pissed off with just dating for 6 year.
I am sure she has delt with other men before who have made unwanted advances..
The part of this is that he tried to kiss her she pulled back and gave him a bit of an earful.
She didn’t cheat and if you accuse her of this I don’t you will be dating much longer..
Oh and stop looking in her phone

HarryGa

dudara wrote: »

OP, I’ll be honest and say that I don’t like several parts of your post. Your perceived ideas about her work colleagues are apparently so strong that she prefers to keep it from you. You’ve checked her phone repeatedly. And you don’t want to be seen as “weak” if you “forgive” her.

You appear to have trust / control issues. Facing up to and dealing with relationships is never weak

Thanks for that. Well they were married men and they left with women that weren't their wives. I thought that was pretty low and we talked about it on the way home. So I knew what those men were like.

The checking of her phone initially genuinely wasn't in regards to finding anything, I was looking for a photo to put on Facebook. Every time since then has 100% been to see what's going on. It's not that I don't want to be seen as weak but I can't help but think that's what she'll think of me but also don't know if I'm a fool to trust her. Her argument is that I would have done the same. She said she shouldn't have lied about the initially one but once she did it all got out of control and then she couldn't go back on the lies and that if she had told me a guy kissed her that I'd never be comfortable with her situation again.

marklazarcovic

Nothing odd at all about dating at any age,just as well you didn't get hitched earlier, they are not good signs of what your partner is up too.

Once trust is broken it's never fully repaired,and takes years to forget stuff like this so you can ignore it.

Sorry for downer reply,just being honest,I'd not be happy at all.