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Child Item

Do you have a key to your parents house?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Having a family tiff at the moment. I'm mostly writing this to get it all straight in my head but any advice or comments are very welcome.

So my father has changed the locks to our family home for the second time. He is in his early 60's and lives alone. Myself and my siblings are in our 30's. My sister came over to my house yesterday but dropped into my father's house first on the way over to pick up some letters that were sent there. Without saying a word to us, the locks have been changed. We no longer have access to the home we grew up in. Is this normal?

I'm not sure how to feel about this whole thing to be honest. On the one hand, I'm a grown adult and shouldn't be demanding access to someone elses home. On the other hand, its not just someone elses home, it's my father's home, our family home, it was once my home, I've still got old toys in the attic. My sister has taken it as a symbolic insult to us all. A rejection. My other sister feels the same way. As if he's been pushing us away our entire lives.

The first time it happened, I left the house to do an internship in a different county while I was in college. I got a text the day I moved out which was sent to all of us telling us to respect the boundary of his home. I barely had any idea what this meant or what prompted it. I am the youngest so the last to move out. I was more than likely going to move back at the end of the internship. This completely sind-winded me and I never felt so alone. I suddenly didn't have a home to go to overnight. This was about 5 years ago but we slowly got back to where we are now. I moved back and got a key again. When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused. It was always a bone of contention and I eventually would walk away anytime it came up. Sometimes when he was away he'd ask me to go back to the house to turn on his office computer so emails would be forwarded to his phone. Funnily enough, I couldn't have done this without the key he demanded of me. I helped him because, you know, that's what family does for each other.

I'm just kinda gutted again that he's done this in almost the same way he did before and he knows how much that hurt all of us. We have a family reunion in that house this weekend and my sister is refusing to go. Why the fcuk would do this right before a family reunion?!

Anyway, what do you think? Are we being entitled little ****s? Do we have valid grievance? Does this happen in other families?

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Ursus Horribilis

I think you can see that every family is different when it comes to this issue. I still have a key to my childhood home and my parents have a key to mine. If something like this happened to me I'd be upset so I can understand where you're coming from. But this is your family we're talking about here, not ours.

For whatever reasons, your father has had long-standing issues with you all coming and going from his house. Something tells me there's more to this than this one issue but that's another matter entirely. In hindsight, it was poor form of you not to give him back the key when he asked. He might've changed his tune if he had reason for you to go into the house and it wasn't possible. I think if I was in his shoes I'd have done the very same thing with the second set of keys too. Nobody likes having their wishes ignored and trampled over; that's what happened here.

Something tells me your father might not be the cuddliest, easiest person to get on with in the world. A row like what your sister's starting has the potential to cause a lot of hassle and headaches going into the future. Does she want that? To me, this sounds like an issue which needs to be nipped in the bud. Also, it's time you all took the rest of your stuff out of his house. If nothing else, he could take a vagary some day and throw the lot out.

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skallywag

quaykey wrote: »

...When I moved out again he demanded the key back the odd time which I refused...

While I would find it somewhat odd for my own father to make the same request of me, if he did do so then I would comply with it, albeit with a sense of bewildered frustration.

I think that you were wrong to refuse, if your father wants this privacy then so be it, you need to respect that.

Considering the text message, coupled with the fact that he actually asked for the key back on multiple occasions and you refused, then he cannot really be classed as being in the wrong with changing the locks.

pwurple

I have a key to back door of my parents house, but not their front gates. It's for very specific circumstances... putting out their bins when they are on holidays etc. I don't just rock up and let myself in. And if they wanted their key back, or changed the locks, I wouldn't have any issue with that. They give me a key because they want me to do them a favour (which I happily do). When I call to them usually, I phone ahead, and I use the front door, and doorbell.

I certainly don't have post going there (wtf is that about?)

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Addle

I've never had a key to my parents house, even when I lived there!
I never looked for one.
They never complained about unlocking a door.
Though, back door is usually open.

LegacyUser

Really appreciate all the comments. Glad to see there are varying replies. I definitely have a better understanding of all this now.

Neyite

Mod:

Hi Scallywag, I deleted your post as it was a question aimed at another poster not the op so didn't want the thread dragged off topic. If you wish to chat to that poster, it would be best to do it via pm rather than on thread.

dori_dormer

I have a key to my mums house, have it on my key ring all the time. Id never really pop over unannounced though, shed always know i was coming. Id let myself in if i knew say, everyone was in the back garden, or we were heading on a night out and she might be painting her nails etc. I also sometimes ring the doorbell if im hanging onto kids etc. probably 50/50. my 2 sisters have keys but they are for emergencies and they dont carry them.

I think only 1 sister has a key to my dads house for emergencies. But his partner would have one too.

Id respect your fathers wishes. Hes clearly trying to set boundaries and no ones listening. Maybe at this family reunion you could arrange to remove your stored boxes and any other belongings. And ask him to pick one of yous to have a key for safety reasons if he lives alone. But promise you wont use unless an emergency

DaeryssaOne

I have a key to one of the doors to my parents' house but live away so they always know when I'm coming home and the key is just to let myself in the side if there's no one home at the time.

I can understand your father's frustration to be honest, my in-laws have a key to our place (something I was never onboard with giving them in the first place) and they have been known to walk straight in without ringing the bell first. One of these times I had just walked out of the shower but thankfully could duck into my room before they saw me. I was very unimpressed and would much rather they had knocked first, even if I knew they were coming I never dreamt they'd just let themselves in. :eek:

L1011

My partner didn't have a key to his parents house when he lived there. Thinks that's fairly normal.

On the other hand, because I live very nearby I'm the first called on for checking for post when they're away etc so I have a full set, including sheds etc; *and* the spare keys to their cars after one was stolen in the past using the spare when they're out.

Everyone is going to have a different idea of what's normal here and when the two diverge like in your case its easier to just go with it than expend energy on it.

iamwhoiam

From a parents perspective might help . My three are all adults now with homes of their own .They all have keys and we have always given them one when locks are changed . They all ring the bell when they call over . They respect our privacy as we respect theirs . We also ring their bell and wouldn't dream of walking into their homes . If we need to go into each others houses for any reason when no one is home we text or phone to let them know .
I wouldn't be comfortable if I was at home in the winter , all curtains closed and my hall door suddenly opened !
I know its to each his own and all families are different but I think a quick press on a bell before my kids walk into my home is not a huge ask to be honest
Equally if I happen to pass their house and decide on a whim to say Hello I would not walk in and appear in their kitchen without a ring on the bell

LegacyUser

To reply to some of the concerns, no we wouldn't let ourselves in unannounced. I'd always text in advance and ring as I'm approaching the door but then I would let myself in. Maybe that's the issue. It is perplexing though. I'd easier understand if one of us were stealing or staying over while he was away.

It was juvenile to not give the key back. I never fully realised that. I even said to him once he'll have to change the locks when he asked for it back :pac: You have to udnerstand he wasn't exactly casually asking me. He was always quick to temper about it and had no problems telling me he didn't give a **** how I felt. It was my own childish revenge because he never explained to me why he changed the keys in the first place other than that blanket text. I was really hurt at the time of how he went about it. He still hasn't fully explained why. I think I've been lumped in with older siblings who have in the past taken advantage of what was once a communal space. My biggest issue is his communication or lack there of so I'm gonna pop down (announced) try get to the bottom of all this. The damage was done 5 years ago and I'm not angry anymore. I hope he isn't either.

Thanks though, you have made me realise that, although it may be upsetting and abnormal to some, I am not entitled to a key to that house. I will be going to the family reunion. My sister most definitely will not.

Katgurl

I have a key to my mother's but not my father's house. I would always check it's ok to visit my mum's. I do let myself in to save her a trip to the front door but press the buzzer to let her know I'm there. I would not dream of arriving at my father's uninvited. He is a very private person.

What I'm trying to say is although lots of people have a key to their parents it's not something you are entitled to.

I'm quite aghast you refused to give him back his key... Yes HIS key to HIS house. Who do you think you are? And as a previous poster said, you should take your things out of his attic.

Your sister is being mean and immatue starting a fight over this.

The family reunion is a good opportunity to clear the air. You should all turn up and be friendly. Tell him you'll take your r stuff away and apologize for leaving it there so long. Then when the tension is melted ask would he mind leaving a key with someone for safety but promise you'll only use it in an emergency.

dellas1979

No I dont have a key to my parents house.

Im sure one of my siblings has one in a "in case they lost it" type thing.

But, I dont know or dont care about keys. Its their house and their privacy.

Your dad obviously values his privacy a lot. And may feel that some marks were over stood at some stage. Rather than talk about it (typical family, believe me), just went and did it.

December2012

Katgurl wrote: »

The family reunion is a good opportunity to clear the air. You should all turn up and be friendly. Tell him you'll take your r stuff away and apologize for leaving it there so long. Then when the tension is melted ask would he mind leaving a key with someone for safety but promise you'll only use it in an emergency.

I disagree. The family reunion is not the time to bring this up. Do it before if you must, not the day of. Preferably after if at all. What do you want to get to the bottom of? Dad says no keys, then that's it no keys.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I disagree. The family reunion is not the time to bring this up. Do it before if you must, not the day of. Preferably after if at all. What do you want to get to the bottom of? Dad says no keys, then that's it no keys.

He hasn't said a word to me about this. He doesn't live far away. I'd like to hear him out before the big family reunion rather than having my mind elsewhere.

Neyite

It sounds like your siblings rather than you have disregarded his privacy over the years and maybe something small might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

You are right to try to resolve it before the reunion.

I'd say if he's prone to anger or defensiveness then start out maybe with telling him he's got every right to change the locks and you didn't realise that you were imposing on his privacy. That you'd like to apologise for that and if he could point out where you were overstepping so you can make sure you don't do that again. He might open up and give you a better explanation if he feels that you get where he is coming from.

gline

Its not the "family home", its your fathers home, his kids didnt pay for it. He can and should do as he pleases with it, all his kids are grown up and moved on now, they dont need access to the house for any reason as they have their own places to live.

He's right not to be giving out keys, if you want to visit him, contact him and arrange it, you know, as adults do. Cant believe you would refuse to give him back his key, to his house.

LegacyUser

All families are different. I have a key to my parents house and one to my aunts house. My husband has never been given a key to his parents house - even when he lived there!

You are adults with your own houses. Its his house. Stop acting like children and he mightn't have had to get the locks changed. I am happy to have visitors.. but I would hate if someone could just walk into my house unannounced.

lulu1

My Parents are both dead now but when they were alive there was no issues with keys or no question of any of the family needing one because the door was open for us all to visit when ever we wanted.

Would never expect my own kids to knock when coming to visit

Even when my sisters call they just open the front door and call

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[Deleted User]

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I know I said I had a key to Home but in reality don’t need it as the back door is only locked at night. This is to say that not only would I or my siblings just let ourselves in but we have relations living next door who always just walk into the house (and vice versa) even some of the neighbours just will just walk into the house, maybe give a quick know on the inside door sometimes is about all you will get. It’s pretty normal in rural areas from my experience, we would arrive at other relations a few miles drive away and just walk in the back door too when visiting and often it would be unannounced.

In decades of this I’ve never heard anyone getting caught walking around naked, I suppose it’s just not the done thing for many people to walk around naked especially when you have big windows all around the house so you would be seen long before a person came inside.

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silverharp

I think its only polite to mostly ring ahead or at least knock on the door, why would you want carry around 2 sets of keys? just double the head wreck if you lose them and possibly have to replace 2 sets of locks. I always treated having the keys similar to holding a neighbours keys, in case of emergency

Pelvis

OP, it's your dad's home now, not yours. Frankly you and your sis need to cop on.

dubstarr

My adult kids still live here so they have a key.But when they move out,they will have to knock on the door like everyone else.

Does your dad have a key to your house.If not why not.

When[if] my kids ever move out,i wouldnt like someone just appearing in front of me.I wouldnt just turn up to the their house and walk in.Respect goes both ways.

lulu1

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Naturally if I had any intention of having sex the door would be locked. As for showering who is going to walk into your shower?

JustAThought

lulu1 wrote: »

Naturally if I had any intention of having sex the door would be locked. As for showering who is going to walk into your shower?

I just cant believe the arrongance of this. A person is entitled to be able to accidentally spill spagetti down their front and not have to worry about immediately changing shirt in case someone walks in on them. Or be able to sit around in their vest without worrying about being caught. Or have a messy kitchen or living room piled with iorning without worrying that someone is going to walk in on top of them.

There are all kinds of reasons for wanting privacy and in your own house as an adult they are all valid. Maybe he dosnt want entilltled nit pickers striding around making comments or interrupting his peace - maybe sometimes he is not in the mood for uninvited guests who stroll in without asking and interrupt his peace and relaxing. Whatever the reason he has made it clear that he does not want you all barging in and having unrestricted access whenever yiu want. He asked for respect and got none. He asked you to give back his key and you refused. Now he has taken what you refused to give - boundaries, respect and privacy . Its not rocket science - its also not time to start an argument over who owns or should have unlimited rights on what is HIS house.

Go to the party, be nice, arrive and leave when asked, dont start an argument and demand keys or make comments about wanting one - you have already been told very clearly several ways that he dosnt want you to have one or to have unlimited access to his house. Simples. He tried boundaries, he tried beeing subtle - now he has been forced to change the locks and nobody has one - that is exactly how he wants it. Dont use a family party to try and emotionally blackmail him or bully him into giving you one.

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