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Bride being unreasonable

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Wondering if i could get some perspective from you fine people about a situation I find myself in. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. There are 4 other bridesmaids all from the same friend group. The bride has set her heart on a hen in Spain next July. Only problem for me is that another old friend is getting married in Italy the same weekend as it. I obviously would like to go to this, as would at least one other bridesmaid.
As the hen is a year away and nothing has been booked yet I asked the bride if there was any other weekend she would consider during the summer that we could have the hen instead. I expected her to say no as she's already been a bit of a bridezilla about other things and made a comment while we were out that if anyone (not bridesmaids) didn't go to her hen they weren't going to get an invite to the wedding.
What I didn't expect was her to absolutely fly off the handle at me about it. She said she was shocked that I even asked her to change and that I was a disgrace for even suggesting it. She said it was unbelievable that any sane person would ask a bride to change her "hen month" or arrange anything to do with their wedding around them. She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend. We haven't spoken since so I don't know what's going on or if I'm still even a bridesmaid.
I was happy enough that I would have to miss the wedding in Italy for the hen party anyway but I thought there was no harm in at least asking if any other weekend would suit that we could go instead. It would've been a non-event if she'd just said no and that was it but the fact that she reacted that way has actually shocked me. I'm so hurt about this and I don't know how to approach her at all. I don't want to apologise just to keep the peace because I don't think that I've done anything wrong at all. I don't even know if I want to still be her bridesmaid after this.

What do you guys think? Was I unreasonable to ask the question at all?? Am I selfish?

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Big Bag of Chips

By the way - if she's going to chop everyone who doesn't go to her hen from her guest list, she'll find she's chopping a good few off.

Wait for her to row back on that threat when she realises not everyone thinks her "hen month" :rolleyes: is as important to their lives as she thinks it should be.

Sephiroth_dude

Go to your friends wedding in Italy and let bridezilla have her hen, tell her to shove her invitation!

blairbear

OP, this is the reality of weddings and being a bridesmaid, in that SO MANY women I know have ditched their friendships with a bride because of insane behaviour.

I wish brides would realise that nobody actually cares that much about their wedding. It is just a day out and not some big significant part of the lives of everyone else.

I was sacked as a bridesmaid a while ago 2 weeks before the wedding; the dressmaker commented that I was "even thinner" than the bride, who was obsessed with being smaller than everyone else there on the day.

Got a text the next day saying that one of her other friends volunteered instead of me as I seemed to be too busy at work. I ended up not even going to the wedding, I was that rotted by her.

Lots of friendships evolve and change in your late 20s/thirties, and that's no bad thing in these cases.

You did nothing wrong. She sounds DREADFUL.

nikkibikki

Just to add OP. One of my bridesmaids didn't come to my hen. She is often crippled with anxiety and depression. I wanted her by my side when I got married, that's all that mattered to me. And she was. Although it would've been lovely to have her at my hen, she couldn't do it and it was fine with me. There wasn't a cross word about it. Her feelings and her friendship were/are more important to me than a night out.

ShiverinEskimo

Sounds like a c**t.

jimmycrackcorm

I pity the poor husband to be if that's the kind of rationale to be expected in married life.

Op, don't make the first move, let her contact you as she wants you add bridesmaid not the other way about. Just tell her you already had plans to attend the Italy wedding of your friend, sorry it conflicts and you understand if she doesn't want you to come to hers as a result of that.

She knows well who is in the right.

qwerty13

Forget about any ‘move’ - first or otherwise.

She’s a horrible selfish nasty person. You are doing well to get her out of your life now, and you will undoubtedly end up thanking your lucky starts that you’re not involved with ðŸ˜Š, her closer to her ‘wedding month’ ðŸ˜œ

LegacyUser

Hey guys, I really appreciate all the responses. I'm taking your advice on board and I'm not gonna contact her. I'll let her make the first move but I'm assuming from here on out that I'm just not a bridesmaid anymore. I do agree that it's probably for the best. I'm sure she has a large queue of other friends waiting to step in for me.

Don't know what the other girls are going to do. It's hard to talk about it with them because I don't see them very often as I live away and I'd rather discuss it face to face.

And I know that if I read this thread myself I'd be advising me to walk away from the friendship like most of you are, but from this side of the page its actually a very difficult thing to do. I'm sad that she's treated me this way over something as innocuous as a trip away and so disappointed that she's trying to make me feel crazy and selfish for even asking this in the first place.
But we've been friends since we were children and it's very hard to just break ties with that all of a sudden. She's always been the centre of attention but I've never seen this side of her before. I do think it's the bridezilla thing in full effect and I never believed I'd see it in her. I'm so hurt and confused about the whole thing so I dunno what's gonna happen in the future.

But thanks again for the validation and advice.

ShiverinEskimo

You might find yourself shedding a heavy weight you didn't know you were carrying. If she's always been centre of attention and she's willing to drop you suddenly over a weekend away it tells me that she doesn't put the same value on the friendship you did and that she's been using you for as long as you've been useful to her.

Some people are leeches and when you finally cut ties with them you will wonder why on earth you stuck around as long as you did.

leahyl

Some people and their behaviour......I can't believe people like this exist!! OP don't waster another second with this so called friend.....jesus, some people are so entitled.

Airyfairy12

Her poor husband to be. God only knows what shes putting him through if that's how shes treating her friends.
Dont even think about being her bridesmaid, chances are the way shes behaving she'll have no bridesmaids come her wedding day.

valoren

The clown even had the audacity to lay down an ultimatum i.e. if you're not at the hen, no wedding invite for you.
Talk about a red flag, she practically advertised that she was going to be a nightmare to deal with.

Don't reply at all. Consider the friendship over and your duties as a bridesmaid finished with.

My prediction is that after months of radio silence, a few others will run afoul of her as well and end up not going.
Towards the end of the year, you'll get a 'hoovering' attempt at contact, ostensibly to re-ignite your friendship.

You'll get a faux apology but the reality will be that she will be chancing her arm trying to bulk up her numbers going to the hen as others will inevitably not go. As you will already be booked up for Italy (which she will be more than aware of), she can then exploit you mentioning that and going off on another explosive tantrum about what a self centered 'disgusting', 'despicable' person you are.

If she contacts you again, it will be nothing but a provocative trap.

Well rid, OP, well rid.

JustAThought

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you -I woild suggest sending her a nice card thaking her for the invite to be bridesmaid but you now feel that is no longer possible or appropriate to take her up on the offer and you withdraw your name. You are sure ahe will find another good friend that is available for the month of X and wish her all the best . She can then choose to invite you to the wedding or not as a guest so the door is not firmly closed and leave her an opportunity to save face and not to be a total bitch. You couod say.you hope.you might see HER and the other bridesmailds at Y's wedding in Italy in X month before hers.

Best of Luck. Dont let her poison your name or reputation. Ypu coupd also send the other bridesmauds a nice note to the same effect so they will know and there will be no disgrace or secrecy around why you left.
Hopefully she will cop.on before soon. Either way,apology or not, it wouod be best not to be her bridesmaid even if she apologisies. No doubt wirse is yet to.come as the tension mounts.
Enjoy the release and maybe Italy and a nice holiday of.your chosing for yourself .

Sephiroth_dude

ConfusedBridesmaid wrote: »

Hey guys, I really appreciate all the responses. I'm taking your advice on board and I'm not gonna contact her. I'll let her make the first move

I wouldn't even give her the chance too contact you tbh, I'd block her everywhere.

Paddy Cow

JustAThought wrote: »

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you -I woild suggest sending her a nice card thaking her for the invite to be bridesmaid but you now feel that is no longer possible or appropriate to take her up on the offer and you withdraw your name.

I know you have good intentions in suggesting this but that would backfire spectacularly on the op. The bride would then simply go around telling everyone that not only did the op have the audacity to demand (that's the way she'll tell it) the bride changes her hen to suit the op but when the bride couldn't do it, the op threw a strop and refused to be bridesmaid. The op would not come out of that looking good and the bride would look like the wronged friend.

The wedding is over a year away and I don't see the bride shelling out money for a dress for someone she has clearly cut off as a friend.

bucketybuck

JustAThought wrote: »

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you

Who cares what else she says or what she blames the OP for? She has already crossed way over the line, if it was me I would be having absolutely nothing more to do with her, ever.

Do not send her any card or contact her in any way, you are well rid of that wagon.

Ursus Horribilis

ConfusedBridesmaid wrote: »

But we've been friends since we were children and it's very hard to just break ties with that all of a sudden. She's always been the centre of attention but I've never seen this side of her before.

Perhaps if you met her for the first time now, you'd not become friends. This ugly side of her character was always there but you just never encountered it full force. Maybe you're viewing her through rose-tinted, nostalgic glasses and you're remembering the person she used to be?

No matter what happens next, this friendship is broken. What you might need to watch out for is the fallout from this and how it'll affect your mutual friends. Be careful she doesn't start badmouthing you to them and wrecks those friendships.

TomOnBoard

It often happens that best childhood friends grow apart as they develop and grow. In this case, the centre of everyone's attention in childhood has grown up to be a much less likable and totally self-centred and self-absorbed person. Clearly, your values and emotional intelligence have developed differently from hers. It looks like yeve simply outgrown yeer childhood friendships. Dont sweat it, and don't allow her to continue with her emotional blackmail. You'll be better for it.

PressRun

Go and have a good time in Italy

Ironman76

She’s a c**t.

Absolutely hate people like this.

I would make it a point to go all out and enjoy the wedding in Italy. Have a ball and enjoy yourself ðŸ™‚

[Deleted User]

OP, she's not a nice person and she doesn't care about your plans, feelings, or anything other than getting her own way to the extent that she's cutting you out if you fall out of line. Walk away, don't respond to any weaselling and have a great time at the other wedding.

You dodged a bullet, this was the opening salvo in a barrage of demands that are going to make her remaining bridesmaids miserable for the run up to the wedding.

heretothere

WOW. She sounds like an absolute nightmare!! I'm planning my own wedding this year and I've noticed a lot of brides seem to be of the opinion that their wedding is as important to them as it is to everyone else.

Not bridesmaids, but two of my closest friends who I probably would have had as BMs if I was having a larger wedding aren't coming to my hen. One did ask before anything was booked would a diff weekend be possible, my response 'I wish I could change it, but it's the one that's suiting the most people. Lets have a cocktail night sometime if she'd like' end of story. A few other good friends can't go to my hen either for a load of reasons - just bought a house, too many weddings near the time (inc my own!), simply cannot afford it. She doesn't seem to realise that the whole world isn't stopping for her wedding, I do think you've dodged a bullet here!!

I know you can get swept up in wedding madness and honestly I think a lot of 'wedding people' enable it. She just needs to take a step back and breath.

tupenny

nikkibikki wrote: »

Just to add OP. One of my bridesmaids didn't come to my hen. She is often crippled with anxiety and depression. I wanted her by my side when I got married, that's all that mattered to me. And she was. Although it would've been lovely to have her at my hen, she couldn't do it and it was fine with me. There wasn't a cross word about it. Her feelings and her friendship were/are more important to me than a night out.[/
Just wanted to comment to say you are a lovely person, so understanding . Every1 would love a friend like you