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Travelling with work missing kids birthdays

Jasper79

Hi

What are peoples thoughts on missing kids birthdays due to work. Have you had to Or would you ?

Work want me to travel for 2 weeks missing toddlers birthday. I explained the situation to see if can move dates or find work around but they said no and insisting has to be done.

Thanks for reading.

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Neyite

We just move the main celebration to the nearest available weekend day, that's what all the classmates do as well.

On the actual birthday they get their present in the morning and a small cake after dinner.

You've got to pick your battles here. Flexibility from an employer for child-related reasons is an important perk of any job for parents, but while it's a toddler birthday now, in a few more years you'll have other days you'll want or need time off for and there will be things that you'll miss, and things that can't be rescheduled that you won't/cant avoid.

In the last 12 months we've had creche graduation day, school open day, first day of school, parent teacher meeting, vaccination day, school concert, school mass. That's not not counting 2 dental, 3 gp visits, one outpatient follow up appointment, 2 snow days, 1 teacher training day, one day the school closed for polling where we would have had to take time off work. We both work full time so usually it's only one of us that can step in, and once or twice we had to get Granny to go in our place.

I totally understand you wont want to miss milestone moments but you do want your employer to be sound with flexibility when it's something that's REALLY important, rather than a family celebration that can easily be moved to a weekend.

Blaizes

Have the party when you return home.Take lots of photos and put in an album to show your child when he/she is bigger. The most important thing is that you have the party, not when you have it.

Ash.J.Williams

I'm a "single dad" or whatever the **** we're called and I have to get very creative with birthdays /fathers day etc.... No big deal

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

whippet

my wife travels a fair bit with work over the last few years .. and it's usually long-haul for a week or so at a time. I've two young kids and we have just learned to be creative about things like that.

As the kids have gotten older (now 6 & 9) .. she does miss out on the odd thing like school concerts / football matches .. but these are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things and when she comes back from her trips we always make sure we have something planned as a family and the kids appreciate that more.

If she travels to the UK or Europe she might hold on to her hotel for the weekend and we fly over to meet her and make a mini-holiday of it. We have had endless discussions around her career and the travel etc .. but in reality without her career we wouldn't be in a position to have the lifestyle we have .. so its all relative.

While travelling for work is tough .. it is tough on the partner left behind .. fortunately my employers are very flexible and I work from home most of the time so I can work around it

[Deleted User]

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Well the chap you are quoting I suppose reckons that ideally the wealth would be redistributed so folk doing less demanding jobs with lower pay would be in a position to benefit from the toils of others.

We aren't there yet of course

osarusan

A lot of the time, birthdays fall on days that are inconvenient (school days, work, other people can't make it, etc).

Most of the time, we'd just move the party to a convenient day.

If this is the first time you've had to consider moving the day, it might seem like a big issue, but I think in a few years it will be fairly common.

_Brian

osarusan wrote: »

A lot of the time, birthdays fall on days that are inconvenient (school days, work, other people can't make it, etc).

Most of the time, we'd just move the party to a convenient day.

If this is the first time you've had to consider moving the day, it might seem like a big issue, but I think in a few years it will be fairly common.

Same.
My daughter was 10 on Saturday but we had a wee party Friday after school with just five of her friends from school as Saturday wasn’t convenient. I think since school age all their parties have been on Friday evenings after school, same with their friends.

[Deleted User]

Jasper79 wrote: »

Hi

What are peoples thoughts on missing kids birthdays due to work. Have you had to Or would you ?

Work want me to travel for 2 weeks missing toddlers birthday. I explained the situation to see if can move dates or find work around but they said no and insisting has to be done.

Thanks for reading.

The toddler won’t remember. Make a fuss when you get back. Same goes if you’re scheduled to work over Christmas. There are bigger things to worry about. Like feeding, clothing and providing a roof over their head.

jimmycrackcorm

Wanderer78 wrote:

again, at some point in time, employees needs must also be met, as actually it is their work that actually completes tasks and creates wealth, i.e. without workers, there is nothing. are our places of employment dictating our lives?

There'd be no wealth at all if the workers couldn't turn up because of kids birthdays and so on.

Deagol

Heineken cup final 2006 fell on the same weekend as my daughters 12th birthday. I explained the situation to her and asked if she minded me going and that I'd get her an extra special present to thank her.

Cue 2007, daughter asks me if I'm going to rugby again and missing her birthday. Feeling bad about the previous year, I explain that Munster not in the final this year and happily I could spend her birthday with her.

At which point she looked unhappy and stated she wouldn't mind if I went anyway to the rugby as long as she got a special present again

Kids and bribery go well together OP

mvl

Deagol wrote: »

At which point she looked unhappy and stated she wouldn't mind if I went anyway to the rugby as long as she got a special present again Kids and bribery go well together OP

ha. I don't remember about the toddler years, but this sounds true when they're pre-teens.

OP - have you thought of bringing them with you so that you are there on the toddlers birthday, and then have the celebration party when convenient later ?

tbh, I wouldn't see this as work problem.

GalwayGrrrrrl

When you have children and have to travel for work there will always be things to miss- over the past two weeks in our house we’ve got a birthday midweek , party at weekend, school show, graduation mass. I’ve missed occasional things due to my work travel but I tell my kids “I might miss the odd thing but if you want nice trainers, foreign holidays and x boxes that’s what needs to happen”. I know what kids ultimately need is love and attention (rather than consumables) but the occasional missed event in the interest of an overall nice life is worth it. I’m female if that makes any difference in this discussion.

tringle

As many others have said with work and kids pick your battles, some are more important than others. I've just spoken to a man who can't get a day off to attend his daughters wedding.

Toddlers don't know what day their birthday is so a few days either way won't matter
BUT (cr@p parent warning 1) try to remember what date the actual birthday is. One year we celebrated a day late to get a weekend day. Then for some reason assumed that was his birthday and celebrated it on the wrong day every year until he got a passport at 13....oops we realised for 10 years we had the wrong date, he was a day older than we thought.
Also don't make promises you can't keep. As ours for older they got to choose what they did, a party, a family day out, a trip...whatever.
So ( cr@p parent warning 2) at age 10 one of ours wanted a Chinese takeaway, it was Friday night and plan was her Dad was to get it on the way home from work. We checked and double checked with him that he would make it. By 11pm he still wasn't home and she went to bed crying. Next week she wrote how much she hated her Dad in her school diary. The teacher called me to check everything was OK. 20 years later she still doesnt trust his plans or timekeeping.

Tony EH

tringle wrote: »

As many others have said with work and kids pick your battles, some are more important than others. I've just spoken to a man who can't get a day off to attend his daughters wedding.

That man would be wise to leave that "job" as soon as he can.

Jasper79

Op here, so myself and Oh are moving birthday to week before I go, and I've agreed to do the 2 weeks. Since I've agreed though I feel sick to my stomach with guilt and fear of missing family(haven't done before) although maybe more a personal issue than work issue.

It doesn't help that there will be another 2 week visit before end of the year, and colleague has been told they don't have to attend.

skallywag

Jasper79 wrote: »

It doesn't help that there will be another 2 week visit before end of the year, and colleague has been told they don't have to attend.

Is there some particular reason that your colleague has been excused, while your attendance is mandatory?

Jasper79

skallywag wrote: »

Is there some particular reason that your colleague has been excused, while your attendance is mandatory?

On this occassion no, other than they had been also last year while I hadn't.

TopOfTheHill

I used to travel lot with work - still do quite a bit.

I missed my daughters birthday for 5 years in a row, nothing I could do about it, that was just the way the job was.

They get over it, and in the long run you have to pay the bills.
Although I still get a ribbing about my second family abroad

PlaneSpeeking

"Daddy why are we going to Buncrana in a tent instead of Disneyland this year ?"

"Well you see sweetheart, Daddy quit his job so that I could attend your birthday party and so we've much less money".

Kid is going to think that is idiotic!!!

Work is work, it provides for family - and yes occasionally it gets in the way. I was once given the morning off to attend my aunt/Godmother's funeral, but had a strict deadline when to be back.

P****d off ? Sure but they pay the rent.

LegacyUser

My dad was in the army and was gone for months (longest was 18 months!!) at a time and this was long before facetime/skype so 2 weeks is nothing.

skallywag

Jasper79 wrote: »

On this occassion no, other than they had been also last year while I hadn't.

Any particular reason that you did not have to attend last year?

I am just trying to get a feeling for what the selection process is concerning who needs to go, and who does not.

RoboRat

Just reading the comments on this and I think that people need to sit down with their partners and discuss the options. I am leaving my job this week as quite frankly I got pissed off with being expected to work weekends, late into the night etc with no thanks.

I was approached about a very well paid job in Dublin but the downside was (a) it's in Dublin so 90 min commute so essentially 3 hours per day and (b) there was around 20 - 40% international travel required. I also seen a job 2 mins from my house which was half the salary of the Dublin job (still a good wage however).

I sat down and put down the pro's and cons before I made a decision and what I ended up with is:

I have 2 young kids and I don't want to be a weekend father.
I don't want to be 68 and retiring and thinking that was a pile of crap and wishing I could have done it differently.
I work to live and not live to work.
I hate commuting and being stuck in traffic.
I have my own business interests and I want time to be able to progress this.

On the flip side...
It would be nice to have a really good salary and possibly retire early.
The higher paid job was something that would be amazing on my CV.
I would like to be able to pay off my mortgage early.

I ended up going with the lower paid local job as my wife would hate me being away, not to mention the kids and the effect it would have on them. Jobs down my neck of the wood in my field are rare, so I felt I would give it a go and I could always look at moving when the kids are older. The company I am moving to are also very ambitious and I felt that I would have more opportunity to make a real difference there, plus they were very keen to take me on.

I guess it boils down to what you want from life... if money and status is important then go for it, I'm not saying this is wrong, each to their own. For me, my family and a good work life balance was more important so I made that call.

LegacyUser

RoboRat wrote: »

I guess it boils down to what you want from life... if money and status is important then go for it, I'm not saying this is wrong, each to their own. For me, my family and a good work life balance was more important so I made that call.

A good balance is important and going through all the pros and cons is the right way to approach it but there's a difference between a job that is going to take you away from your kids for long periods of time, cause you to be tired on your free time and general unhappy and one that is requiring you missing a birthday. As many have pointed out birthdays can be impacted with lots of things not just work, other events clash. I've had weddings fall on my birthday so my parents just had my party on a different day. School events, sports events etc etc To pack in a job for this one reason only is a little hasty. It's different if its impacting on other areas but the issue brought up was the one work trip. The OP mentioned he might have to go on another but also confirmed someone else in his job didn't have to go as they'd done too many the year before so clearly higher ups are aware of people doing to many work trips so it shouldnt be an on going issue.

TopOfTheHill

RoboRat wrote: »

...

I work to live and not live to work.

...
I guess it boils down to what you want from life...

I think these are the key points, and found that as I got older the need for money and status diminished and the need for a better life balance grew

RoboRat

TopOfTheHill wrote: »

I think these are the key points, and found that as I got older the need for money and status diminished and the need for a better life balance grew

That's the nub of it, I never had a real sit down to think about it and thrash it out in my mind. I was always focused on progress and the next job being better than the last. It's the way companies operate, it's always about progression and career path - sometimes you hit a level you are comfortable with and don't want to move upwards. It's not lazy, it's just where you are happy.

I was always focused on being successful as my friends are very successful - I had always felt that my success in business is what people looked at and judged me on. It's not, and perhaps being older and having this internal critique made me realise this. My friends don't care about my job and I don't care about theirs. Yes, there is some prestige in being successful but it's not really relevant to the people that matter - the people to whom it matters are not relevant to me.

When I actually thought about it, the reality is that once you finish up working, most people leave no legacy and are soon forgotten by the company - there are only a select few who do, and they sacrifice a lot for that. You don't get a second chance at raising your kids and being there for them... playing football in the evening, reading their bedtime stories, helping with the household jobs and spending quality time with your family.

So in the end the question I asked myself was.... on my deathbed, what would I look back at and think I should have done differently and being more successful at work wasn't something I felt I would regret.

notharrypotter

a man who can't get a day off to attend his daughters wedding.

Unfortunately some jobs by their nature have "adequate staffing".
Which means that you will get your holidays but not always when you want them.
I have always needed a years notice to get a casual day during the summer.

and

Tony EH wrote: »

That man would be wise to leave that "job" as soon as he can.

Not as simple as you make out at the end of the day needs must and bills must be paid.

Slight thread drift but the amount of people who take jobs without understanding the implications of what is involved is worrying.
Especially in a 24/7 shift operation.

Tony EH

notharrypotter wrote: »

Not as simple as you make out at the end of the day needs must and bills must be paid.

Ah, bills me arse. Get a different job. One that actually has a little respect for you.

Sorry, if my job said I couldn't attend my daughter's wedding, they'd soon be told to fuck off.

Ridiculous nonsense altogether.

NO job is worth that crap.

davo10

Tony EH wrote: »

Ah, bills me arse. Get a different job. One that actually has a little respect for you.

Sorry, if my job said I couldn't attend my daughter's, they'd soon be told to fuck off.

Ridiculous nonsense altogether.

NO job is worth that crap.

There's a very good chance your employer would gladly hold the door open for you, out ya go there, mind the step.

Tony EH

davo10 wrote: »

There's a very good chance your employer would gladly hold the door open for you, out ya go there, mind the step.

Grand stuff. Fuck them, I'm off to my daughter's wedding.