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Married to an Asexual man - no sex in 10 years.

LegacyUser

I’ve been a Boards regular for many many years but I’m going unregistered for this.

I’m turning forty this year and I’ve been happily married for 15 years to a wonderful man. He is incredibly hard working, loyal and kind. He is a fantastic father and we have a good life. On the face of it we have everything. We have a great relationship, he is most definitely my best friend but we haven’t made love in 10 years. My husband has ZERO interest in sex and we have pretty much turned into flat mates or sister/brother.

I get a lot of attention from male work colleagues and men on nights out with friends but I’ve never ever cheated. However, I long for the intimacy that is absent from my marriage. I want to be wanted.

90% of my marriage works and I don’t want to throw it away but I’m not sure I can cope with the idea of potentially another 20 - 30 years of a sexless marriage.

Is it possible to have a happy celibate marriage?

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TerrorFirmer

professore wrote: »

He's been like this for 15 years - and even before they got married. This isn't a new thing.
I think he's quite possibly gay.

This is what I thought too. Anyone who goes the best part of two entire decades without sex is 100% actively aware of that fact, despite suggestions that 'maybe he doesn't realise'.

Couples not having sex for six months to a year is a serious problem but one that could be attributed to 'he/she didn't realise'. A relatively young couple that hasn't had sex in almost two decades is just off the charts dysfunctional.

Asexual people still have sex with partners. Being asexual doesn't mean you don't have sex, it means you don't have interest in it. It's not an excuse for no sex for 15 years, unless both partners have a mutual understanding/are both asexual.

I do feel for the OP, that long denied intimacy is a terrible thing - and not just denied intimacy, but denied it with the one person you want it most with.

I understand you said you get along, but I cannot for the life of me fathom how too people apparently so close could leave an elephant this huge in the room for literally a lifetime.

It is time for a serious conversation. Not a half-baked one, or one that skirts around the issue.

Possibly he is gay. Simply being asexual is not an excuse to not have intimacy with partner, unless it was previously understood and agreed, or you share part of the blame by never addressing the issue or insitgating sex if it is a matter of being asexual.

professore

mg1982 wrote: »

Is your husband over 40. Might be worth him getting a testosterone test which can be done by a gp.

He's been like this for 15 years - and even before they got married. This isn't a new thing.
I think he's quite possibly gay.

Bigbagofcans

Do you know if he has intimate moments alone? He may have no interest in actual sex but he may just be satisfied with pleasuring himself. Sorry to hear this OP, it's a very lonely situation for you to be. You deserve better.

Rachiee

Even if your husband doesn't crave sex there are other ways to feel intimate and show intimacy. If he knows how lonely and upset you feel, wouldnt he want to explore every option to re-connect with you and try to make you happy.
It sounds like he has never identified the underlying cause of his low sex drive he has just accepted it, and although it may not be a problem for him personally it is a problem for you and your relationship so is worth exploring.
I would consider going to talk to someone as a couple to try to find some common ground. (someone specifically specialising in sex and relationships not just a regular couples counsellor)
Your husband may well be very surprised at how lonely and upset you are, and hopefully once he finds out he will want to fix it.

Up Donegal

As others have posted here, an open marriage or a friend with benefits are options, although only temporary solutions.

mg1982

Is your husband over 40. Might be worth him getting a testosterone test which can be done by a gp.

Neyite

Mod:

Not one person on this thread has suggested that the OP should manipulate or cajole the husband into sex - not even the OP wants that. What she misses a loving intimate relationship with the man she loves and she would like him to want that with her too. It's as clear as day from her posts.

Suggesting that the answers would be different if the sexes were reversed is pure whataboutery. It's also falling outside of the charter rules of being helpful and on topic. Drop the gender war or take it to another forum that tolerates that nonsense.

never_mind

ewc78 wrote: »

This is so true.

This is an incredibly unfair way of bringing gender politics in what has been a useful thread so far for the OP. As the OP stated, she doesn't want to cheat but there has been temptation there. I think this is beyond gender and bigger than that... this is about two people who have committed their lives together where one is frankly struggling. Way to kick someone when their down.

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ewc78

TheBoyConor wrote: »

If it was reversed genders people would be up in arms if a husband was trying to cajole his wife into having unwanted sex.

This is so true.

never_mind

Something that just came to mind, OP, is your use of the term 'asexual'. This in itself is a sexual orientation so you are admitting to yourself that he is not 'heterosexual'. His lack of orientation is an orientation and he may as well be homosexual in this instance. I would consider broaching this with him as his behaviors might be linked to his identity. If you are just using asexual as a term to denote his lack of sexual drive which could be medically or psychologically based then yes, as ..... above said, it might be worth talking to a GP.

Some medications such as anti-depressants can cause symptoms such as this. Again, although you may have had the chat he has not been upfront to you about what is really going on. Your post is showing a bit of a defeatist attitude, you need to take this issue by the b@lls and try to save your marriage. He is unwilling and unable. In sickness and in health as they say... this could very well be a sickness and you need to try and solve it for both of you.

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TheBoyConor

Tbh the choices here are limited. If he has no interest in sex then trying to persuade him to do it is not really fair. If it was reversed genders people would be up in arms if a husband was trying to cajole his wife into having unwanted sex.

Your options are a) break up or b) open marriage with you finding a sex partner who is OK with the arrangement also.

My advice? The attraction is gone. Break up and find someone new.

Neyite

Could you have a frank discussion that you are finding celibacy difficult at times and see what suggestions he has?

I suppose the obvious solution would be for you both to agree to an open marriage so you could scratch the occasional itch but I'm not sure that casual hookups would be your solution - you are still attracted to him so going off with someone else for a night might only make you feel crap because that's not who you want the intimacy with - you want it with your husband.

Is there any physical affection there at all? kisses? hugs? touches? Any of that?

suicide_circus

You need to have the sit down talk. Cards on the table time. It's not reasonable for him to expect you never to have sex again til you die. He's not into it, fine and dandy. But he married you and withheld an important piece of information from you. You're kind of snookered though as if you really love him you may well feel pretty crappy were you to sleep with someone else even if he was ok with it. Any way, a serious chat is needed.

LegacyUser

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This post hit me like a train, this is my greatest fear. I don't want anything to negativity affect my children. Thank you for your frankness. I don't honesty believe it is an issue at the moment it could become a problem when they hit puberty

The way you describe your parents is exactly how mine are. They are in their early 70s and they still have a good sex life, I hear them when we stay over at Christmas.

I have spoken to my husband on a number of occasions down through the years about the lack of intimacy but he says he has no sex drive, there is no medical/gender or psychological reason.

As strange as this might seem I wish he was gay or there was another reason for his lack of sex drive. I know it's selfish but I would feel less responsible for the situation.

I hear what people are saying about leaving but it’s not simple. I love this man, I don’t want to leave him. As I said in my OP I feel 90% of the marriage works very well, we have a nice home, happy and healthy children I don’t want to throw that away. I suppose there is no solution but it has helped to let go of the secret. Thank you all for you input.

LegacyUser

OP you haven't confirmed if your husband is actually asexual or if you are just using that label for the lack of sex in your marriage. From the way you've written about things it sounds like you've not spoken to him about this issue at any point. He may well be asexual or just have a low sex drive as it sounds like it's been this way the whole time you've been together and not that he has lost interest. If you've not spoken to him about the issue I'm not sure how you expect anything to change?

you claim you've a really good relationship outside of this but then state you go to another room to masturbate and then feel guilty about it. you say it's making you miserable so why hasn't he noticed and spoken to you about it? Either he doesn't care or he hasn't noticed, either way that's a red flag your relationship isn't as great as you think.

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shafty100

why have you let this neglect go on for so long , i find it hard to believe that he is unaware of your needs as a woman and continues to plod along. his neglect is very selfish despite how you describe him . you need to confront him and stop pussyfooting around ,maybe there is another man or woman in the backround or maybe not either way you need answers ,this whole scenario could eventually lead you to seek satisfaction elsewhere and it could end in tears.

never_mind

This would be incredibly frustrating and one of the reasons why people slip up and end up cheating.. very unfortunate, OP.

You need to talk to him as uncomfortable as it will be. He will be a bit taken aback by this as you have both allowed this to continue over a 10 year period (a substantial amount of time). I would be concerned that he has sexual issues and although you say this is not the case I would be concerned that this is what's happening. It is possible he has body issues, gender issues, sexuality issues etc. How are you to know without exploring this with him?

There are sexual therapists available as well who can guide both of you to a happier sex life together but ultimately I would be concerned by his lack of interest in it. You will get no where without talking... get some time alone, open a bottle of wine and get chilled... then say to him 'Jesus, Mark, it's been ten years since we have been intimate, I just realised that... can we have a chat about it? I just feel like it needs to be talked about'. There are ways to go about broaching the topic in a non-threatening way

Neyite

Have you spoken to him about this at all? He might think you are as happy with the status quo as he is and won't know otherwise unless you tell him.

osarusan

OP, as I asked earlier - even if a life without sex is not an issue for him, does he know how much of an issue it is for you? Or does he think that you are as content without it as he is?

Have you ever talked with him and explained that even though it isn't important for him, it is for you?

From what you have described of him, he sounds like an all round nice guy, and you say he wants to make you happy. It sounds like he doesn't know how you feel, and if he did know, he would want to improve things for you.

miamee

OP you say what a wonderful and amazing man your husband is - and I'm sure he is - why would you not even speak to him about this to give him the opportunity to make it right? He might, as the previous poster suggested, be able to do things for you manually or with toys without having full on sex and he might be happy with that compromise knowing that it gives you intimate time and experience together. He might be horrified to hear that you are feeling so lonely and upset. You haven't told him otherwise so he may be thinking everything is hunky dory. At least open up the subject in conversation and see where it goes.

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LegacyUser

OP here again.

Firstly thanks very much to the posters who took the time to read and reply to my post. I feel a massive burden has been lifted by just committing my feelings to text. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone in RL, not even my doctor as I was so ashamed and I didn’t want people to look at my husband differently.

To answer some of your questions, we are married for 15 years, looking back now I can see we didn’t have much sex before we got married but I put that down to us working and living away from each other during the week, building a new house, planning a wedding, and there were a number of family bereavements too.

We did have sex when we married but not very often and I always had to initiate it. Sometimes I felt like I had a crazy sex drive but in reality now I see it was very normal. I know now my husband had sex with me so we could have a family but he has zero interest in the act.

He is fit and healthy, he is straight and all his bits work, he has no issues like abuse etc. but he simply has no interest in sex whatsoever. He just doesn’t need it to be happy or fulfilled. I know he loves me and like I said in my OP, he makes me very happy and is a great father. We share a lot of interests and we can talk for hours and hours, he is an interesting man, his mind is a massive turn on for me, he is bright, well read and I have never spent a boring day with him.

I’ve coped with the lack of sex fairly well over the last ten years. For my sanity I’ve persuaded myself that it’s a bit like a ‘non-drinker’ and ‘drinker’ being married to each other and it would be wrong for me to force him to have sex with me out of guilt. (Similarly, if he was a non drinker, it wouldn’t be appropriate to expect him to drink because he might be better craic with a few pints in him).

Most of the time I can suppress my needs but there are times when I’m out with friends and I’ve dressed up and I feel and I look good and I receive complements from men. I want sex then and I want to experience that feeling of being desired. I feel guilty about having these desires to the point that I can’t even ‘relieve myself’ if he is lying in bedside me. Sometimes I sneak off to a spare bedroom for me time but that feels like cheating. It’s just one neverending cycle of guilt or frustration.

In recent times I find attending weddings very very painful, give me a good funeral any day. I feel overwhelmed by an inner loneliness on both these occasions but the feelings of sadness are appropriate for one occasion and not the other.

I know there are couples that love each other and can’t have a sexual relationship because of an illness or disability; I suppose I want to find a way of accepting and being at peace with the situation. I want to make my marriage work, everything in the relationship works.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

Is he actually asexual, OP, or have you come to that conclusion?

+1 Being asexual and having a low sex drive/no interest in sex are not the same thing OP so is this just something you've decided to call it or has he actually stated he is asexual?

If he is truly asexual then you need to discus the future of your relationship with that knowledge. If he has just lost interest/drive then again you need to discuss it and ask him to speak to his GP about an underlying medical issue that may be effecting his drive as well as looking at counselling for your intimacy issues

If your marriage is 90% great then that means you should be able to talk about this and if he show that he is unwilling to even discuss the issue then your marriage is not as great as you think.

osarusan

Has he said that he is asexual, or is that your interpretation of things?

What were things like when you were going out and in your early married years? As another poster mentioned, you have a child/children, so you were having sex at that time.

Can you identify anything/combination of things that have changed since the time that you were having sex? For example, health issues, weight issues, stress issues (for either of you), that might have had an impact on your sex life, from which it never recovered.

Finally, does your husband know that you long for intimacy, and want to feel wanted, or does he feel that you are generally as content with things as he is (or as you believe him to be)?

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baby and crumble

Is he actually asexual, OP, or have you come to that conclusion?

Have you spoken to him, and told him how unhappy you are? because it's unreasonable to assume that he knows how you feel if you haven't told him. Not everyone prioritises sexual contact in a relationship- especially if he's happily asexual. He might not realise how hurtful it is for you.

unattendedbag

Three suggestions

1) find and fix the root of his problem. Maybe counselling for him or both or a more suitably qualified expert.

2) break up. Happens plenty of times for this reason but you will lose all the other good things about him that you mentioned above.

3) Open relationship. Depends how he feels about that.

Going off and having a discreet affair would only solve your problem temporarily and you'd still be at square one or worse caught.