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Does Anyone Else Hate Work Parties/Social Events?

Sminkypinky

As the title says - does anyone else feel that being invited to a works party or event out of normal working hours is an annoyance?

I always refuse/decline/ignore invitations, even when there's a certain amount of coercion and veiled mutterings about career prospects being harmed.

It's not that I hate the people I work with (not all of them anyway), but I always feel that my free time is mine. I'm on call 24/7 for emergencies and I accept that, but being expected to give up my spare time to make small talk with the people I spend all week with is a bit invasive IMHO.

The last time I was invited it was almost compulsory with a Deputy head sent by the big boss to tell me I HAVE to go, after I'd politely declined.

That was a phrase he shouldn't have used as the chat then descended into a conversation about workplace bullying, contractual clauses re parties (i.e. where are parties mentioned in my contract?), and me having to quote from my professional code of conduct and draw his attention to the fact that I should not form close personal friendships which may affect my impartiality.

I should add that I'm probably a bit of an introvert too.

So, does anyone else hate works GTG's and how do you avoid them?

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OMM 0000

I use them to advance my career.

You generally get promoted due to your relationships with people, not how competent you are. (Obviously being competent helps).

I make an effort to become friends with the decision makers.

Edit: I realise the above sounds callous.

Sminkypinky

OMM 0000 wrote: »

I use them to advance my career.

You generally get promoted due to your relationships with people, not how competent you are. (Obviously being competent helps).

I make an effort to become friends with the decision makers.

Edit: I realise the above sounds callous.

Not callous at all.

But in my case I don't feel it would make much difference if I attended. My position is quite specialised and there's no prospect of advancement as I'm already head of the department.

I just hate the idea of having to go to an event - there's one coming up soon, which is why I'm asking for the opinion of others.

OMM 0000

I try to be happy at my job, and I find having good relationships with those around me is probably the biggest factor for this. Generally that means forming a relationship with them that is beyond a simple professional relationship.

I'm not introverted though. I'm happy to drink a few beers with people and talk silly stuff.

[Deleted User]

Fellow introvert here. I also hate big, work-related gatherings. Occasional, casual drinks with two or three colleagues, grand - everything else is dreadful. For things I absolutely have to attend - show up slightly late (if that suits the event type, it will mean no small talk waiting for things to get started properly), make a concerted effort to circle the room and briefly talk to key people, try to be photographed (if it’s that kind of thing), post sone enthusiastic tweets (if allowed), and make a quick, discrete exit.

[Deleted User]

I have no interest in them but go to about one in four to be sociable, don't drink and head home early.

Unless there is only three of you out or something nobody notices that you left early.

It is no help to my career practically.

_Brian

I’ve no interest in being promoted so furthering relationships at work is no interest to me.
I spend maybe 20% if my time in my office. There are maybe 15 people there. I would know 6 by name, was introduced to the rest but never interacted with them so don’t remember who is who, literally I meet them and say hello but no idea which is which. Now, the primary reason is their is a cohort of back biters and generally negative people among them and I’ve no interest at all in talking with them.

Don’t go to any social events at all.

My direct manager is happy with that and meets me for coffee outside the office to catch up on work stuff. He hates the social stuff too.

ilovesmybrick

I'll have a drink with work people on occasion, but I manage a library in quite a specialised institute, so I have very little in common with most of the staff in terms of education and interests, and I didn't get into working in libraries so I'd have to spend time dealing with large groups of people. I do my job and I go home, Friday afternoon is my time, if you want me to attend and listen to boring speeches you can pay me overtime. My direct managers are happy with my work, and I'll get a phenomenal reference when I leave so that's all that really matters to me.

In terms of getting out of them I followed the advice of a former boss who hated meetings, "If you just stop going, they eventually stop inviting you"! Probably not the best of advice for professional work meetings, but works like a charm for bs social events!

That being said, in some previous workplaces I actively enjoyed the occasional work events, and in one place I inadvertently ended up responsible for organising a few.

1hnr79jr65

I don't do social gathering with work folks, i like to keep work and private life seperate generally. In saying that i am sociable and engaging with people at work because the dynamic requires work relationships for the benefit of company but once i walk out the foor to go home thats where it stops.

Recently a client who we work for was leaving and I was sent an invite to going away party for this person, i got on really well with them in work envoirnment but had no interest in outside engagement. However the person who sent me the invite has become more difficult to deal with since i didn't attend that session.

For me it shows i made the right decision as this person was always difficult to deal with but now more so and any level of engagement i try make is dismissed in office. Better off now spending my personal time with such people.

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seamus

People who talk about socialising for career prospects and such, are the people who don't "get" introverts.

They don't understand that standing around talking (or even listening) to people that you have no personal connection to, is a form of torture to introverts.

I don't hate company events. I'm an introvert, but I like booze. And because I would stay pretty quiet in the office, there's a certain perverse voyeurism in hearing all the work-related gossip that apparently everyone else knows but has gone totally over my head. This is probably why work outings don't annoy me much - because I don't do much voluntary interacting in work beyond my immediate team, so a work drinks doesn't feel like I'm being forced to spend more time with the same people I've been talking to all week.

I do also recognise that there is a level of utility in it. The kind of work I do means that I will probably have to interact with everyone in the company at one time or another. Having even just a 3-minute conversation with people in a casual setting often means it's easier to communicate in work because the first impressions have already been made.

But it's not something I do often. I do it when it suits me - when I fancy a night out to relax and the company happens to have something coming up - not when it suits the company to have me there.

For the most part if you want to get promoted and your work doesn't cause your name to appear very much, then you'll have to make appearances at social events. But if you're very communicative during the work day and lots of people know who you are, then going out and getting pissed with the same people won't be of much use to you. Not anymore anyway.

OMM 0000

seamus wrote: »

People who talk about socialising for career prospects and such, are the people who don't "get" introverts.

I used to be an introvert, but I realised it was getting me nowhere.

I used to get frustrated that less competent people were getting promoted to management, so I decided to change.

Being a good conversationalist is a skill and it can be learned. It's mostly just being a good listener, showing an interest in people, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I decided I was going to treat senior management like a peer, and talk to them like a peer. It's amazing. I realised a lot of senior managers are lonely in work, because no one talks to them, or at least, no one shoots the **** with them.

As soon as I made this change, I moved to team leader, then manager, then director, and now I work at a C level.

People like to promote people they trust. No better way to get people to trust you then to become their friend.

We all want different things. I'm not saying you should be like me. I'm just saying it worked for me.

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OMM 0000

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Nothing wrong with that. 👍🏻

Teyla Emmagan

OMM 0000 wrote:

I used to be an introvert, but I realised it was getting me nowhere.

You can't not be an introvert any more. You can just be an introvert who makes an effort.

I don't make an effort. I come in and I work and I get on with the people around me and then I go home. I decline all the drinks invites. I absolutely despise the team building stuff. Some people seem to need it, and want it, but that's just not me. I am not trying to progress my career either so I don't think it matters. Not socialising with people from work has never affected my ability to get good references etc.

Some guy told me I wasn't a team player recently when I said I wasn't going on a night out, but I just laughed at him. Ask me to do something and I will do it, but I won't hang around with you when I am not being paid.

OMM 0000

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You can't not be an introvert any more. You can just be an introvert who makes an effort.

I think that's a fair statement.

[Deleted User]

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You can't not be an introvert any more. You can just be an introvert who makes an effort.

OMM 0000 wrote: »

I think that's a fair statement.

There's a difference between being introverted and being shy, they're not the same thing. I'll happily have proper conversations with anyone about things that are interesting, but I abhor small talk - and social occasions such as these tend to bring out the worst kind of small talk.

SirChenjin

In previous workplaces, I attended most social events, because I wanted to, and I enjoyed them.

Now, I'm in a workplace where I genuinely have no interest in attending social events. I have friends there, I get on well with my colleagues, but that's all I want.

I just politely decline. I prefer to spend my spare time with family and friends, or on my own.

John Mason

social events have no bearing on promotions in my place.

They usual turn into a drink filled night we people crying, fighting, guards getting call etc.

I haven't been to one in about 10 years and I would consider myself an extrovert.

I like some of work colleagues, mainly I am indifferent to them.

Bredabe

Occasionally I'm forced to work-related 'socialising', it's usually ok for a few mins to catch up with outreach workers, what I find particularly trying are the 'Hi I'm...' types(especially as they'll have me confused with one of the big bosses) just screams 'lick/unproductive worker' to me, who know or feel they will not career advance using the skills they are paid to use.

I make a point of going to staff drinks when I start new in each place/job. Beyond that, time outside of work is mine, I've had some work mates they couldn't pay me to put up with after hours.

seablue

I think OMM 0000 has the right idea. He is using his head.

I've never been smart enough to do this, hence my lowly status. I am an introvert and tend to keep my head down and get on with my work - a system that keeps me in a job but never gets me promoted.

I dont like social gatherings with co-workers. I want to spend my free time with friends/family. I do realise that Im holding myself back with this, but Im not prepared to waste the ever decreasing time I have left on earth making small talk with people I would not hang out with in 'real life'.

[Deleted User]

seablue wrote: »

Im not prepared to waste the ever decreasing time I have left on earth making small talk

That's a great way to look at it.

I recall getting some pressure as a line manager when some of my team didn't book in for a 'morale event' (food and drink and a sh1tload of money spent with an event management company on a celeb MC and some silly games or prizes. I explained the meaning of 'morale' to the idiot that was putting on the pressure - and how working mums who get feck all time with their kids anyway may have different priorities and different views of 'morale'.

I've moved to a new group/building recently, so I've made an effort to attend the social things to get to know people a bit more. But to be honest, if I was fully settled in, I'd be more likely to head home.

s7ryf3925pivug

I don’t go unless I want to, and I usually don’t want to. I think I’m the only person in my dept to have been promoted since I joined and I’ve negotiated substantial salary increases. I don’t seek to ingratiate myself with people and I feel a little contemptuous when others do so, including when they do so with me. I’m also much more inclined to trust people if they don’t.

Cash_Q

John Mason wrote:

They usual turn into a drink filled night we people crying, fighting, guards getting call etc.

Bloody hell what industry do you work in?

I used to hate the whole notion of socialising with colleagues until I was in a job I loved with great co-workers who are now long term friends of mine. Having left this employment I realised the value of having strong relationships with colleagues and have maintained friendships with former co-workers at my next job. I'm now in another workplace and while I have a good few colleagues I trust over others and would consider almost friends, I'm there 2 years which seems relatively recent compared to many others. I make the effort to attend social events in the hope of developing stronger relationships with these preferred colleagues. I do sometimes get 'stuck' with people I'm not that interested in spending time with, but that's life. It's a big staff compared to lots of places I've worked so I do value having a few closer workmates but I find myself doubting the true level of friendship when I know the others have known each other a lot longer.

the_syco

Sminkypinky wrote: »

But in my case I don't feel it would make much difference if I attended. My position is quite specialised and there's no prospect of advancement as I'm already head of the department.

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I've only really moved sideways. Managing people happens if I more up, and I would dislike managing people, as it'd mean talking more to the useless people. Since I got a job in tech support, I moved from one tech job to another through people who knew me. The job I've ended up in now, I love.

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You can't not be an introvert any more. You can just be an introvert who makes an effort.

This would be me. Am utterly useless at football (I got told the rules when I broke each of them), but have played with the lads from work in my last two jobs. Currently, I play softball. Utterly useless, but I'd be also playing with one of my team mates (different to the one above). I went to these events (and organised a few) so people would get to know me. I'm useless with names and faces, so they'd get to know me; I wouldn't have the foggiest what their name is when I see them again!

honeybear

I’m sick of feeling pressured to attend after work events. Im a teacher and work with lovely colleagues. The school day is busy and happy. We all get on well. I always attend retirements and leaving “do’s” but there are lots of social events (usually meals) organised to coincide with school communions, confirmations, graduations, end of term, new baby, getting married, etc. etc. I used to drag myself to these afterevents but am going to cut down on attending (Off course, I’ll still go to Communions, Confirmations, Graduations, etc.) There is a lot of pressure to attend the “afters”- questioning in staff room in front of colleagues. I’ve been on Social Committee a few times and know how it’s hard to get things to suit everyone. Anyone in school setting, have similar experience?

pauliebdub

I usually go to work events and I always enjoy them, luckily I like most of the people that I work with so there are never any awkward moments. Once every two to three months is enough though.

Some colleagues don't bother and that's their choice but they end up appearing aloof and unfriendly and it often affects their career prospects.

Trampas

Gave up going years ago. Management pretending to be your friend and making small talk. When they’d walk by you earlier in the day without even a nod. People brown nosing management. Drink and bullish!t talking about that goes on.

Companies making work social events compulsory in every way without saying it is the new working longer than contracted hours for free.

Just go home and spend time with the family than hang around for a few hours after I’m finished to when the even starts.

Sminkypinky

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Ask me to do something and I will do it, but I won't hang around with you when I am not being paid.

My thoughts precisely. I already have to work 50-60 hours per week, breaks are a rarity, and the thought of giving up any of my remaining free time grates on me.

limnam

Where does the pressure come from to go to these events?

I go through different phases in different jobs/companies.

Sometimes I go to a lot of events and socialize after work other companies I've never gone out.

Is it a perceived pressure or are peoples management actually putting pressure on ? The latter I wouldn't be comfortable with and would probably not hang around in the company very long.

Sminkypinky

limnam wrote: »

Where does the pressure come from to go to these events?

I go through different phases in different jobs/companies.

Sometimes I go to a lot of events and socialize after work other companies I've never gone out.

Is it a perceived pressure or are peoples management actually putting pressure on ? The latter I wouldn't be comfortable with and would probably not hang around in the company very long.

Believe it or not I have been put under extreme pressure and told I HAD to go, which of course had the effect of ensuring my non-attendance.

I'd just repeat 'Refer to my previous reply'.

After the event(s) I had to put up with the dirty looks and silences for days afterwards.