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should I feel upset about my in-laws doing this?

siara99

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

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siara99

lunamoon wrote: »

If you don't like them, don't like that they are opinionated etc, why do you care that they didn't text you?

I guess it's my issue of feeling like an outsider even within my own marriage and nuclear family whenever his family comes up.

woodchuck

OP... from your latest post, it sounds like you hate your in-laws. So why on earth do you care about whether or not they PM you?!

siara99 wrote: »

Yeah, getting friends could help but it seems impossible at the moment. Being pregnant, having a child already, commute, money etc. etc.

I'm not a mother, but surely there are mother and child groups you could get involved with when you're on maternity leave? You mentioned you already have a child. Do they have friends? Do you interact with their parents much?

I'm going to reiterate that I think you should get counselling.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

Does your family live close by? I don't keep in touch with my fiances brothers and sisters but we get on very well when I do see them. I get on extremely well with his mother but I'd say about 90% of the 'effort' comes from me. I call into her on my way home from work.

As others have said people won't usually call around without being invited (really must do this more myself!). Do any of the others have kids? Could you invite them over for a tea party with your daughter? Or invite one/ two siblings at a time for dinner.

No, my family lives a 17 hour flight away :eek: but I'm not really close to them either.

The others do have kids but they are much older than my daughter. They are all ages 8 to 25. There is one that is aged 6 but she always goes to her grandparents house on the weekend.

LegacyUser

But why would they visit you if you already complained about them popping over unannounced? You want to be friends with them but that doesn't come across as particularly friendly. Even if its really inconvenient, you can politely rearrange to see them tomorrow or at the weekend or next weekend.
I think you are coming off very badly when you might not mean to. All these threads about your pregnancy, feeling scared your colleagues will push you into an abortion, wanting to be friends with the in laws but complaining about them, wanting them to care about you more without firstly earning their trust and respect - these are not attractive qualities in a person and you can't expect them to love you just because your partner does. You need to work on winning them over by being open, welcoming, friendly and making the first move. Or perhaps make some friends of your own so this doesn't affect you so much?

heretothere

It sounds like you want to be an outsider. From your last post I am presuming you are not originally from Ireland?

When you did move it sounds like they did make an effort for calling in etc. You could have been nicer about it, maybe 'I love you calling but could you send a quick text 1st'. I've moved to a rural area for my fiance, it's just presumed people will drop in unannounced. I never call his mam before popping in. It's just the way his family work, I think a lot of rural people operate that way. It's ok that you don't like it, I'm not saying you have to but if they made an effort, you rebuffed it what do you expect?

You also say you don't like them and you've stopped going to visit his family with him. You are making it clear to them that you do not want to be involved in their lives and they are respecting your decision. I don't blame him for being defensive of his family, they're his family. I bet he is probably defensive about you to them also though.

I'm not trying to be harsh but if you won't make an effort with them and have effectively rejected their efforts you are excluding yourself.

Edit - I have just seen that you have said you are not from Ireland. It's a long way to be from your home country.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

It sounds like you want to be an outsider. From your last post I am presuming you are not originally from Ireland?

When you did move it sounds like they did make an effort for calling in etc. You could have been nicer about it, maybe 'I love you calling but could you send a quick text 1st'. I've moved to a rural area for my fiance, it's just presumed people will drop in unannounced. I never call his mam before popping in. It's just the way his family work, I think a lot of rural people operate that way. It's ok that you don't like it, I'm not saying you have to but if they made an effort, you rebuffed it what do you expect?

You also say you don't like them and you've stopped going to visit his family with him. You are making it clear to them that you do not want to be involved in their lives and they are respecting your decision. I don't blame him for being defensive of his family, they're his family. I bet he is probably defensive about you to them also though.

I'm not trying to be harsh but if you won't make an effort with them and have effectively rejected their efforts you are excluding yourself.

Edit - I have just seen that you have said you are not from Ireland. It's a long way to be from your home country.

I met them twice before we moved here and I thought they were nice. After moving here and spending more time with them I just felt that we had nothing in common and didn't really care for them after all. Some unpleasant traits like being very opinionated etc. They just aren't people that I would ever want to spend time with and not a family that I want to be a part of. The rural thing is just too much for me. If I had known about this I might not have moved but it's too late now - my husband refuses to relocate again.

I guess it's more my issue - like I fear that my husband and children might prefer to be a part of this clan rather than have our own nuclear unit. I'm not sure if he's defensive of me.

siara99

Kitlannigan wrote: »

But why would they visit you if you already complained about them popping over unannounced? You want to be friends with them but that doesn't come across as particularly friendly. Even if its really inconvenient, you can politely rearrange to see them tomorrow or at the weekend or next weekend.
I think you are coming off very badly when you might not mean to. All these threads about your pregnancy, feeling scared your colleagues will push you into an abortion, wanting to be friends with the in laws but complaining about them, wanting them to care about you more without firstly earning their trust and respect - these are not attractive qualities in a person and you can't expect them to love you just because your partner does. You need to work on winning them over by being open, welcoming, friendly and making the first move. Or perhaps make some friends of your own so this doesn't affect you so much?

I didn't say anything bad to them - I said it to my husband. He didn't talk to them about it either. No, I don't want to be friends with them. I've decided. But it's a threat to my marriage to be an outsider to this clan.

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

OP... from your latest post, it sounds like you hate your in-laws. So why on earth do you care about whether or not they PM you?!

I'm not a mother, but surely there are mother and child groups you could get involved with when you're on maternity leave? You mentioned you already have a child. Do they have friends? Do you interact with their parents much?

I'm going to reiterate that I think you should get counselling.

There might be stuff on mat leave that I can do but when I go back to work it's unlikely that I'll be able to continue. There aren't any groups on the weekend for parents in Wicklow.

I could try.

Neyite

You don't like them.
They don't like you.
You had a big bust up at Christmas with them and haven't seen them since - through your own choice here.
You've also said that you don't intend on going to them next Christmas either.

There was a bereavement last month in their family and you say you haven't seen them since Christmas so I take it then that you didn't call in, phone or text your sympathies or attend the funeral with the rest of the family?

But you want them to come flocking to congratulate you on your pregnancy?

Ask yourself why you expect more from your inlaws than you yourself are prepared to give them in return. You seem to be at odds with your inlaws, your colleagues, and don't seem to make friends easily - would you consider some counselling to figure out why this is? You are carrying around a lot of hurt and anger and that can't be the kind of life you want, can it?

heretothere

I'm not even making anywhere near the transition you are. I've moved from a mid-sized Irish town to a farm about 3 hrs from my home. It has been a huge adjustment. And it is really hard to make new friends. It takes a lot of time and effort. You will just have to make the effort if you want to be part of the community even when you are back at work

Are there other people in the locality from your home country? When I lived abroad, someone else in town being Irish was enough for a connection to be made.

What's your relationship with your husband like? Do ye spend evening together? Do things together as a family at weekends? Wicklow is a beautiful county, ye could head up the mountains. Go to the coast. Go to the strawberry festival in Wexford this summer. Just try to get out and do things.

I think you could make a better effort with his family. At least going with him when he goes to visit them. Are any of them throwing parties this summer?

Also agree that if you haven't seen any of them since Christmas, does this mean you did not go to the funeral? Or at least the wake? You fobbed them off too

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

I'm not even making anywhere near the transition you are. I've moved from a mid-sized Irish town to a farm about 3 hrs from my home. It has been a huge adjustment. And it is really hard to make new friends. It takes a lot of time and effort. You will just have to make the effort if you want to be part of the community even when you are back at work

Are there other people in the locality from your home country? When I lived abroad, someone else in town being Irish was enough for a connection to be made.

What's your relationship with your husband like? Do ye spend evening together? Do things together as a family at weekends? Wicklow is a beautiful county, ye could head up the mountains. Go to the coast. Go to the strawberry festival in Wexford this summer. Just try to get out and do things.

I think you could make a better effort with his family. At least going with him when he goes to visit them. Are any of them throwing parties this summer?

Also agree that if you haven't seen any of them since Christmas, does this mean you did not go to the funeral? Or at least the wake? You fobbed them off too

I did go to the funeral but there were a lot of people there. I mean probably 150+ people so I only briefly bumped into one of them. We also had to rush back to pick our daughter up. We didn't bring her to the funeral because we didn't think she'd be able to manage in the church for more than 5 mins. She's a fireball.

I also don't have a lot of spare time on my hands. I do 10 hr days. 8 hours at work and then the rest is commute time.

We don't have a car and can't afford one so we are quite limited in what we can do

I do see my husband and daughter in the evening but I am pretty tired so we just have dinner together and watch TV. On the weekend I usually spend time with my daughter since I only see her for a couple of hours in the evening.

The rural culture is just too much for me and I don't like it. No everyone is the same though. I don't want to adapt. I'm not interested in being like them. I'd probably like Dublin a lot more but I can't afford to pay 2k just on rent.

I don't think I can make effort with this family. It's just not for me. My husband is OK with it though. I guess I do feel insecure about my husband and daughter's loyalties.

heretothere

10 hrs isn't really that long. I'm guessing work 9am-5pm so you leave the house around 8am and get home around 6pm? That's a pretty standard working day for most people.

Were did ye live before ye got married? You said you had only visited his home/ family twice before hand so I'm guessing it was a short relationship?

You are limited without a car but it sounds like you are at least living in an area with public transport accessible to you as you are commuting to work. Could ye go places on the train?

If you don't want to make an effort with his family that is fine you don't have to but you can't get annoyed if they don't at the same time make an effort with you. Your husbands loyalty will remain with you and you should want your daughter to be integrated into his family, they are the only local family she will ever know. Just because you don't get along with the family does not mean they will 'blacken' your name around her. One of my SIL's in very very odd but I'd never treat her kids any different or wouldn't dream of saying anything bad about her to them.

You need to make some sort of an effort or else you are going to get very bitter over the next few years.

siara99

heretothere wrote: »

10 hrs isn't really that long. I'm guessing work 9am-5pm so you leave the house around 8am and get home around 6pm? That's a pretty standard working day for most people.

Were did ye live before ye got married? You said you had only visited his home/ family twice before hand so I'm guessing it was a short relationship?

You are limited without a car but it sounds like you are at least living in an area with public transport accessible to you as you are commuting to work. Could ye go places on the train?

If you don't want to make an effort with his family that is fine you don't have to but you can't get annoyed if they don't at the same time make an effort with you. Your husbands loyalty will remain with you and you should want your daughter to be integrated into his family, they are the only local family she will ever know. Just because you don't get along with the family does not mean they will 'blacken' your name around her. One of my SIL's in very very odd but I'd never treat her kids any different or wouldn't dream of saying anything bad about her to them.

You need to make some sort of an effort or else you are going to get very bitter over the next few years.

We lived in Canada and married there. My daughter was also born there. We were there for a few years before moving here. I didn't like the culture of the place I was living in but wasn't sure about moving here. It costs several thousands of dollars for 3 people to fly over to Ireland from British Columbia. :eek:

I don't know I don't think that they will deliberately blacken my name but I guess I feel that my daughter might just be naturally more drawn to other family members than to me. She is already more attached to her dad than to me. He is better with kids than I am but he had a head start while I am an only child. I guess I'm insecure about it and also about my marriage.

lawred2

siara99 wrote: »

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

Can I give you a bit of advice? Stop stressing about shoite like this! You'll have enough to worry about bringing another life into this world without getting upset about stuff that does not matter.

Do you ever text your in laws out of interest?

witchgirl26

OP I have 2 sister in laws and lots of nieces and nephews and I don't think I've ever sent them a message congratulating them on their pregnancies. I've sent ones to my brothers and I've said congrats in person if they've been there when telling me. I love them both and get on great when we're together but wouldn't message them generally at all unless for something specific.

You're upset with them for not messaging you but you are the one saying that you don't think you can make an effort. If them being opinionated is the main problem then maybe you need to just accept that's who they are. Unless they are being offensive in their opinions, I wouldn't be over concerned about it.

Why do you feel insecure about your husband and daughter's loyalties? I don't understand that. Your husband will always have loyalty to his direct family but unless they are saying bad things about you to him, I wouldn't see this as a problem at all. His loyalty to them doesn't have to come into play at all if it's not affecting his loyalty to you.

I think it's quite telling that you say you don't want to adapt. Unfortunately you may have to reconsider that if you want to make things better for yourself. It's hard to be happy if you're refusing to adapt to where you are. There's no guarantee that you'd like Dublin more. Is there particular aspects of the rural culture that you don't like?

BettePorter

They used to visit but u didn't like that so now they don't and you have issue with that too.

They don't text you but you don't randomly text them either but that's okay?

They didn't congratulate you personally on your pregnancy but you didn't console with them personally at their loved ones death (you didn't want to tell them about baby whilst they grieving so it must have been a close enough family member) .

You seem to have an answer for everything but won't take any blame for your part in it?

You don't want to be friends with these ppl? So why take the hump that they feel the same ?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

woodchuck

Are you the same poster who refuses to go to their house at Christmas, yet begrudges your husband and child going over?

siara99 wrote: »

I guess it's more my issue - like I fear that my husband and children might prefer to be a part of this clan rather than have our own nuclear unit. I'm not sure if he's defensive of me.

This is a very warped way of viewing things. Your husband and children shouldn't have to choose between you and the rest of the extended family. This is a surefire way of driving your husband away.

Seriously, get some counselling.

Neyite

siara99 wrote: »

I did go to the funeral but there were a lot of people there. I mean probably 150+ people so I only briefly bumped into one of them. We also had to rush back to pick our daughter up. We didn't bring her to the funeral because we didn't think she'd be able to manage in the church for more than 5 mins. She's a fireball.

I also don't have a lot of spare time on my hands. I do 10 hr days. 8 hours at work and then the rest is commute time.

We don't have a car and can't afford one so we are quite limited in what we can do

I do see my husband and daughter in the evening but I am pretty tired so we just have dinner together and watch TV. On the weekend I usually spend time with my daughter since I only see her for a couple of hours in the evening.

The rural culture is just too much for me and I don't like it. No everyone is the same though. I don't want to adapt. I'm not interested in being like them. I'd probably like Dublin a lot more but I can't afford to pay 2k just on rent.

I don't think I can make effort with this family. It's just not for me. My husband is OK with it though. I guess I do feel insecure about my husband and daughter's loyalties.

Any chance it's your unhappiness with where you are living, the isolation, rural life that you are miserable with and projecting it onto in-laws?

It is possible to do stuff in rural areas though. I've a 40hr week and commute around 3 hrs daily so I'm gone from the house 12hrs a day, and we are very rural. I can appreciate that being pregnant and with another small child you'd be quite tired but maybe you can turn that around on your maternity leave, your public health clinic might run coffee mornings (mine did) where you can chat to other mums - I was just told about it during one of the home visits and it was really nice to meet up with other mums once a fortnight.

It's a pity you don't want anything to do with your in-laws because they would be invaluable in helping you settle in.

MissShihTzu

OP - Do you have any friends or family nearby? I've read your other threads and TBH, I think you need some kind of help. You sound so very friendless and alone. This is not good for you, your husband, your family and most of all baby.

This should be such a happy time, but instead, all I am reading is insecurity and frankly, paranoia. I will be honest and tell you now that your other thread about not wanting to tell people about your pregnancy and your reasoning bizarre. It's not a normal way to think. I can only assume hormones are at play here.

Please, please find someone to talk to, and get help. Talk about how you are feeling with your husband. Get support.

I hope you can finally relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Whispered

Op, your way of thinking is very like mine was when I was severely depressed. I look back now in amazement at the knots I tied myself up in over nothing. The paranoia and the intense dislike for many people, totally unwarranted in my case.

I'm not saying the same is happening with you, but might be worth considering?

Cash_Q

siara99 wrote:

They just aren't people that I would ever want to spend time with and not a family that I want to be a part of.

So what's the problem?
That said, you are a part of this family through your marriage so either opt in or fully opt out and stop complaining about the lack of inclusion. I am stunned you didn't see them throughout their bereavement.

siara99 wrote:

I didn't say anything bad to them - I said it to my husband. He didn't talk to them about it either.

You can be fairly certain he did talk to them about it. He may be a good husband and loyal to you but I'd be amazed if they stopped calling in entirely coincidentally after you'd told him you don't like it happening.

As others have said, your commute and working day is pretty standard. Wicklow has a lot of big towns like Bray, Arklow etc that you can access by public transport and integrate into clubs etc. Even just make a routine of going to the same coffee shop every day until you become a regular and suddenly you'll know other regulars there too.

Your mindset is very troubling. Please discuss all these worries with your GP or midwife at your next appointment.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not buying that you went to a funeral of a family member of your husband's and didn't get to see any of them. At family funerals, family usually sit together.

You do seem to have a problem with everyone, and often times if you have a problem with everyone else, maybe everyone else aren't the problem.

I'm not close to my in-laws. I genuinely could not tell you the last time I saw them. Maybe 2 years ago at a birthday party. We don't text in between, so your claim that there has to be texts because you don't see each other is simply not true. Whenever I do see them, I have a laugh with them. We all get on. They are not people I would be friendly with in any other circumstances. I am very good friends with my husband's sister-in-law (married to his brother) but I have nothing in common or no interest in the others.

If we go visit, which is very very rare now, I go along, I drink tea, I listen to them going on about whatever they're going on about, and we go home. And I don't see them, or think about them again until the next time (which, as I said could be a year/2/3).

You don't like them. You don't like being around them. I'm guessing if they started sending you messages and enquiring about how you are, due dates, offering advice etc, that you'd be giving out that they're being nosey and intrusive by contacting you, when they don't usually.

I think you are in a mind set, and it doesn't matter what his family do, they will always be wrong. They will never please you.

It must be difficult living do far from home. You seem deeply unhappy, and that unhappiness is obvious in every part of your dealings with other people. You are not happy, so you attach negativity to every interaction/lack of interaction you have with people.

That's something you need to try work on. And Wicklow is a huge area, it's almost a Dublin suburb. Don't tell me there is nothing to do at weekends to get out and meet people. You could also try start up your own parent/toddler group to meet new people. I know people's weekends are precious, but there might be people like you who are away all week and would like to be able to meet other people for an hour or 2 on a Saturday morning/afternoon.

Nobody is going to approach you and ask you to be their friend. If you want to make friends with people, you need to put in the effort. And if you want to be seen as more than an outsider then you have to make the effort. You can't expect them to know that you want to be a part of it. Especially when you have made it clear that you actually don't really want to have anything to do with them.

Hallowed

Look. You're the problem here. You either need counselling or you're just a head wrecker. Personally I think it's the second one.
Look in the mirror and start from there

wiggle16

OP, the world does not revolve around you and your pregnancy.

His family have congratulated him on becoming an expectant father. They are happy for him. Perhaps they are also happy for you. But you seldom speak to them and do not have a relationship with them. So you don't know what they think.

You are asking should you feel upset at them - the implicit premise in your question is that you are already upset at them. I do not believe you have any doubts about whether you should be upset. You come across as more concerned about what other people think of your pregnancy and with creating issues around it than with actually being happy about the fact. Your previous threads speak to that as well.

You state yourself the family have always been cold/distant to you. Therefore, the fact that they are still being cold/distant to you now should come as absolutely no surprise. You want them to PM you. But you don't want to talk to them, you don't enjoy their company.

You come across as incredibly self-absorbed and self-involved. To every poster who makes a suggestion as to what you can do to resolve this issue, you already have an answer ready, explaining why that won't work, or you expand upon the issue. To posters who suggest visiting his family:

"I guess I used to go with him in the past and I didn't like it one bit. I don't enjoy their company and we have little in common it's so hard to get a conversation going.
There are other issues like they are extremely opinionated people and can be unreasonable. They are judgemental of me too - the amount of housework I may or may not be doing."
And:
"They used to drop in uninvited and I didn't like it." - and I daresay they picked up on that pretty quickly.

You are NOT confused about this. You do not like your in-laws and they do not appear to like you. So you do not get to be upset and manufacture an issue for yourself over the fact that they are congratulating their son/brother and not you directly. You say your husband is very defensive of them, and it stands to reason: they haven't done anything to you. He shouldn't have to be defending them at all.

"I think it's not that I want a relationship with them in particular but it's my issue about being an outsider. An outsider in my own home and in my own family."
And that appears to be exactly what you want. They have no idea you feel this way, because you don't speak to them. Because you don't like them. They are not your family and you do not want to be a part of their family nor have a relationship with them. Concurrently, you do NOT get to feel left out when they congratulate your husband and not you.

So to answer your question, no, you should not feel upset.