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What road do I go down?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Long term user going anon for some of your advice please.

Background: I’m in my current relationship coming up to four years now, my most serious and long term relationship to date. We both met at work and it spiraled from there. When we first met, she was upfront with me and told me she had depression and an STD from a crazy past. I felt a way that I never felt before, I was in love, and these were only minor things to me. Within a short period of time, we moved in together and did so for 2 years.

We’ve had some serious highs and lows, with her depression playing a big part in our lows. I can recall her loosing it one night behind the wheel and racing through the city at high speed. How we didn’t injure ourselves or someone else that night I’ll never know. When I moved away recently for an amazing job opportunity, she tried to self harm (which transpired to be only a cry for help from her and a light scratch on her wrist) which looked much different to what I saw when I opened the Snapchat message from her - my heart actually sank. This naturally had a major effect on me and I left my dream job and moved back to be with her. Even at the time of taking the job, my feelings for her had changed but I thought “absence makes the heart grow fonder right?”.

She has also had a suspect interaction with a lad or two since we’ve been together, two friends of hers actually that spend a large amount of time with her. I found out that she invited one of them back to our place when I was at work - allegedly just for a coffee, but never told me until I heard it from someone else. I’d never dream of doing that without at least letting her know, and she knew that I didn’t like these guys but still met up with them. That was over a year ago now and she doesn’t meet up with them (that I know of) but still texts them.

Current situation: Having moved back to be with her, we’re now staying with her parents to save, in her eyes, for a marriage. We sleep in separate rooms because the beds are so small and have done so now for the last few months. The love that I felt for her when we met has radically started to fade over the past number of months. Habits that I used to tolerate now really rub me up the wrong way. The way she speaks to her parents is something that I’d never dream of. If I speak the slightest word out of place, she flips and goes into foul mood for a few hours. She’s messy and never cleans up after herself, but says that this is as a result of her depression and that “I don’t understand”. I constantly get texts from her to say “such and such got engaged” and she’s constantly asking when am I going to propose.

I still love her for who she is as we’ve been through a lot together and when I think of leaving her, I’m immediately guilted by thoughts of how would she cope, what about her depression, how would we both live in the same city and fear seeing each other all the time? My parents love her but they don’t know anything about the real person she is. I’ve told my brother about how I feel at the time she tried to self harm and he thought I should leave, so I tried to. This lasted for about three weeks when my guilt gave in and I felt sorry for her as she was alone without someone to look after her. Fast forward six months, and I’m back knocking at the same door.

What road do I go down from here? Any of your thoughts would be really appreciated.

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wiggle16

OP. Honestly.

Seriously.

You need to read your post back to yourself as if a stranger wrote it, and ask yourself what advice you would honestly give him.

That is a very, very long list of self-indulgent, callous and unbelievably selfish behaviour coming from your girlfriend over the years. She sounds like a total consequence and has treated you horrifically. She is emotionally manipulating you and controlling you by blaming everything on her "depression" and using it to hold you to ransom. The bit that gets me the most is this gem:

"...only a cry for help from her and a light scratch on her wrist) which looked much different to what I saw when I opened the Snapchat message from her - my heart actually sank. This naturally had a major effect on me and I left my dream job and moved back to be with her."

She faked self-harming so that you would come back to her.... you cannot get more selfish than that. And she thinks you are going to marry her? Why are you still with this weapon??

She is NOT your responsibility. How she will "cope" when you leave is completely up to her, because she is an adult and she's in a situation of her own doing. She is not alone, she lives with her parents. I know it's not popular these days to be dismissive of mental illness, nor should it be, but when someone turns the word 'depression' into both a cross to bear and a stick to beat you with, then you are not under any obligation to indulge that behaviour. You do not have to stick around because she is sick, or because she *says* she is sick. You certainly do not have to stick around when she is fooling around with other men.

You need to get out of there and get away from her, OP, immediately, and arrange for counselling for yourself - you sound like you have put up with an awful lot of horseshít and abuse from this woman and it has taken a huge toll on your self-esteem, because no one in your situation should be even considering staying with someone who behaves like this and treats them like this.

You are mad to be with her at all. I really hope you wake up and get out of there soon. Honestly, best of luck OP

leggo

I get the guilt part. I've been with someone with depression and similar self-harming issues and it's real. Even to this day, despite the fact I ignore almost all messages from her that still come my way occasionally, there's a part of me that doesn't block her from Whatsapp (though all the social media etc is gone) because of the whole "What if something happens and I'm the only person she can reach out to?" Though, to be fair, that was after a year or so of blocking bliss and emotionally detaching so I can't be manipulated back into the toxic mess that was that relationship. So I get it.

What you have to consider: a lot of her behaviour is deliberately manipulative towards you, like the Snapchat, she's not thick and knows exactly what she's doing and she's playing you like a fiddle with that stuff. You literally owe her nothing, even if she's done nice things for you in the past, you get to wipe the slate clean and finish with someone if that's what you want to do. Your reasons for staying with her aren't reasons that anyone in their right mind would want someone to stay with them (I know she may not be in her right mind, but see points 1 and 2 for that). She has a family whose job it is to support her, that you can inform of anything they need to know if you decide you need to walk so they can look out for her. Do that and your duty of care is done.

Then go be happy.

loalae

Hmm I think she is being emotionally abusive towards you. I also think that staying in a relationship with somebody just because you think she wouldn't be able to cope without you is a dangerous road to walk down. You are risking developing a codependent relationship which is not at all healthy.

She'll survive and you'll thrive if you separate. I don't give 'leave them' advice lightly but really OP, why on earth are you doing this to yourself?

Teyla Emmagan

You should totally leave her. She sou ds like a manipulative nightmare.

PopTarts

If you stay with her you’ll always be asking yourself these questions.

There won’t be a time where you are genuinely happy.

Walk away and block all contact.

Big Bag of Chips

Atacrossroads wrote: »

I still love her for who she is as we’ve been through a lot together and when I think of leaving her, I’m immediately guilted by thoughts of how would she cope, what about her depression, how would we both live in the same city and fear seeing each other all the time? My parents love her but they don’t know anything about the real person she is.

Honestly? I don't think you still love her for who she is. Who she is is the reason you are posting here. It is the reason you gave up your dream job. It's why you're afraid to rock the boat. It's why you feel guilty about thinking about not being in the relationship anymore. That's not love. And that's not loving her for who she us. You even say your parents love her, bit they don't know "the real person she is". Meaning that if they did know her, as you do, they might not love her. I think guilt and fear are trying to convince you that you love her. But guilt and fear are not the basis, for a strong, healthy relationship.

If you think your relationship is worth salvaging then you need to put the guilt and fear aside and talk to her. The most honest talk you've ever had. Her feelings are not more valid, or more important than yours. She may suffer from depression, but she does not get to hold that over your head as a threat. If she loved you she wouldn't want you feeling like that. You can support her, but ultimately she is responsible for her own mental health.

You have a choice to make. But make the choice YOU want. Not what you think everyone else wants.

Wesser

It sounds to me like she has a personality disorder, not depression . I think she is very manipulative. I would advise you to leave her. She is not alone she has her parents

peckerhead

Get out, before she becomes pregnant.

And get help, so that you don't take her back or allow anyone to treat you like that again.

But first, get out, fast.

Arrival

Before ending it, be sure to share all of this with a few people close to you because this bitch sounds dangerous. She sounds like the type of person capable of making serious allegations against you or other nasty things to hurt you and get back at you. Personally I'd write some kind of a letter or email outlining all of the **** things she did to you over the years, all those genuine reasons for you being pushed away, and give it to her after you let her know that you want to breakup because no doubt she will be delusional and wondering what she did wrong - this will help her to at least have the chance to see how she behaved from your perspective as unfortunately it seems she's incapable of putting herself in other people's shoes unprompted.

Just to say also, you're a genuinely nice and good guy, OP. It's clear to see just from your account of things. The fact that you felt so guilty about breaking up with her that you were willing to sacrifice your own health and happiness says so much about you. It sucks, that feeling of guilt, but believe me girls get a lot of support from friends and family when they go through break-ups and it is not your burden to bear thinking about how she'll cope. All you can do is wish her well and hope she behaves healthily. Don't look back! Seriously, there are some fantastic girls out there and you WILL look back at your time with her as time wasted. Concentrate on yourself, get back to going for those good jobs you want and really take your time getting over this relationship, even if that means not so much as kissing another girl for a year or two

Dtp1979

Wesser wrote: »

It sounds to me like she has a personality disorder, not depression .

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
1,000%

weemcd

You are being completely and totally emotionally blackmailed. It's becoming a lot more common but this sounds like a very extreme case. You seem like a good person and because of this you have been taken advantage of. It sounds like personality disorder, narcissist behaviour and it is dangerous to be involved with someone like that. They will hurt themselves and create situations to get back at you.

You have to go, and you know this. Be strong and remove yourself from all contact before this escalates even further.

WIZWEB

She's definitely displaying several classic traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Read up on it to see if it resonates. That aside you're the classic caretaking enabler! You're a martyr to the cause. Her inadequacies feed your own insecure desires for control. Just like her aggression and pity parties manipulates you to be controlled. This dysfunctional codependent relationship is toxic for both of you. I mean no disrespect in saying that. I was once like you. I eventually left and they quickly found a new enabler even after a multitude if suicide threats over the years. Might sound callous but definitely someone else's problem now. I know because they admitted it!

Here's a reality check....

Your partner survived just fine before you came into her life. She will again if she chooses to after you leave if you choose to that is. (It's about control)

Her depression is her responsibility to manage. Not yours. Her foul moods are her problem. Not yours but of course you're an enabler! Ask yourself do these mood swings dissipate quicker if you give in to her whims? (More shared control issues).

Her histrionics are attention seeking. Even includes other lads. Yet you're tolerant of disrespect. Therefore your acceptance of this and other factors sends a strong message that you're a doormat to be used and abused continuously by methods that have worked previously. (Did I mention control!)

The "highs and lows" you continually choose to engage in shows that you're just as addicted to this drama. (See a counsellor alone).

You giving up your "dream job" was your choice as you 'agreed' to be manipulated.

She could have killed you both or an innocent pedestrian in that car yet you allow her 'victimhood' to skew the reality of actual consequences for those actions. One of which should have been you walking away.

If she treats her parents as you describe then imagine your future wedding bliss. She already looses it with you. Again no consequences only rewards so she keeps doing what's working.

This is one mess she needs to clean up herself. You are both stuck in more of the same until one of you is brave enough to escape the other permanently.

zoobizoo

Atacrossroads wrote: »

I’m immediately guilted by thoughts of how would she cope, what about her depression, how would we both live in the same city and fear seeing each other all the time? .

1. It's not your responsibility about how she will cope. She is an adult. She will survive. She will find someone else.

2. Her depression is not your responsibility. Again, she should be managing it as an adult.

3. Deal with it. I bump into exes in Dublin city - I also have bumped into them elsewhere around the country. I have bumped into them in my home town. My sister's boss was an ex of mine. Her direct neighbour is an ex of mine. That's life. Sometimes it can be awkward but you can't let it influence your decision.