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Sopranos best jokes

[Deleted User]

Remember your first blow job?

Yeah!

Did it take the guy long to come?

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Turtyturd

Not a joke as such but the bit in the whole series that made me crack up...

Hammer89

"You threw food at Vito. This has to be resolved."

I don't know why that's so funny to me but it is.

Also, when Christopher and Adriana are discussing her inability to conceive, and he goes, 'Both of them?' after she tells him that she has a problem with her uterus.

One more: When Tony rings Vito's phone and some black road worker answers, and Tony ends up thinking he's his gay lover.

buried

Lackey wrote: »

The scene of Christopher's intervention was classic!
when he curses at his mother and they all jump him, brilliant.

lol Yes. Out of all the horror stories, only the one about the dog is what sends Tony off and he keeps coming back to it after everybody else's go

Tony - "Still..... this thing with the dog...how could you not see it on the chair??"

Dominic - "Your getting emotional Tone..."

Tony - "THAT'S BECAUSE I KNOW WHATS ITS LIKE TO LOSE A PET!!"

Pauliedragon

"How can you trust a guy who can literally go f*** themselves?"
I always loved Paulie walnuts.

tinpib

IT'S A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY!!!

And then way, way after that was a big part of the story, Paulie mentions something like

Paulie:"I'm thinking of putting Ma into that same retirement community as your mother"

Tony: "IT'S A NURSING HOME!!"

Atoms for Peace

Christopher Moltisanti: The Russians? They're not all bad.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How about the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers moved nuclear warheads into Cuba, pointed 'em right at us.

Christopher Moltisanti: That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bull****.

Dyr

You need the accent for it:
Paulie, "They had their turn now it's ours, that's why Dinosaurs don't exist no more"
Floozie: "Wasn't that a meteor?"
Paulie: "They're all meat eaters"

Melfi: "You like that arrangement, the wives riding in the back of the car?"
Tony: "Actually I think they should ride in a little trailer behind the car, like skunks"

Junior: "Did you offer my nephew something?"
Home Nurse: "I am registered nurse, not maid!"
Junior "Well, did you offer him an aspirin?"

Bobby, crying: "My father can't do this, he's retired!"
Junior: "Retired? What's this we're in? The Navy?!"

buried

Those bits with Junior and Bobby are really brilliant. The Lasagne bit with Junior and Bobby when Bobby gets back to work for Junior cracks me up every time, Junior questioning everything, the cagey auld fecker, and he dead right too!

Junior - "You gotta get on with your life Bobby, put it behind ya"

Bobby - "Thats what Janice said"

Junior - "Janice?"

Bobby - "Shes been wonderful through all this, Lookin after the kids, bringin dinner over to the house..."

Junior - "Janice??"

Bobby - "Shes a pretty good cook"

Junior - "Since when? Everybody steers clear of her food"

Bobby - "She made this lasagne the other night...with the sweet sausage along with the beef..."

Junior - "Sweet sausage? With little pieces of beef? and a little layer of basil leaves underneath the cheese?"

Bobby - "Thats right"

Junior - "That's Carmellas lasagne!"

Bobby - "Aaaahh Junior, you always think the worst of people""

Junior - "Fine......Enjoy your lasagne!........Just don't come running to me."

rtron

They are discussing what to do if your attacked by bear. "Run down hill, or something"

taytobreath

Dyr

Not a joke but I liked it as a retort

When Tony tells Dr Melfi her life is in danger and she needs to leave town:

Melfi: "I can't just leave! I can't just lam it! I have a life! I have patients!"
Tony: "Well, just tell 'em August came early!"
Melfi: "It doesn't work that way! I have patients who are SUICIDAL!"
Tony: "Well, they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped!"

Are Am Eye

Christopher starting out with Murmur as his AA sponsor. Then he becomes
Murmur's loan shark while keeping the addict - sponsor relationship.

Would be looking for guidance and support from him at the same time as
beating him up for non payment.

Bunny Colvin

"Your Father never had the makings of a varsity athlete"

Jim Bob Scratcher

Heres Johnny

Playing golf, Tony says 'Uncle Jun is in the muff, I mean the rough
Then starts singing 'South of the border, down Mexico way'

AJ telling Tony he wants to work in event management
'Its a bit gay isn't it?'
Sorry Carmela told Tony AJ wanted to work in event management maybe

Big Bobby going on about Quasimodo and Notre Dame was great too.

Pretty much anything Silvio, Paulie, Chris and Junior said had a funny undercurrent

Might be time for a rewatch I think

McMurphy

In the episode 'Pine Barrens' after the Russian escapes from Paulie and Christopher, and from memory the guy is in bare feet, pyjamas bottoms and very little else.

Anyway, darkness falls.... the two (Paulie and Christopher) hear s strange sound coming from the woods.......

Christopher: Could be him out there, stalking us.

Paulie: With what, his cock?

ryathoe

"Junior, if there's any flies on you, they're paying ****ing rent!"
Johnny Sacks to Junior discussing Hesh series 1.

BoroMan32

Phil Leotardo: [to Vito Jr] What the hell's wrong with you? You look like a Puerto Rican whore. You make me sick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzrEum_VfgA

squawker

Johnny Dogs wrote: »

In the episode 'Pine Barrens'

must of seen that episode 20 times

still laugh at some of the lines

mojesius

Artie Bucco's earring

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

phil leotardo could ahve his own thread

- "I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the fággot's ass"
- "Let me tell yous a couple of three things"

the turn he takes here, from relaxed after dinner speech to ranting homophobia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SydfoFLWmds

Bunny Colvin

"It's not a retirement home, it's a retirement community"

James Bond Junior

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

Mind blown..

[Deleted User]

you have a catarac....I drive a lincoln continental......

juniour is class

[Deleted User]

most unintentionally funny guy in that show too might have been Johnny sac!!

describing his wife....I didn't mind her weight tony, it never bothered me, I thought she looked Buminesque!!!!

also the way Tony stitched up Feech lamada with the televisions!!:D

Bunny Colvin

rusty cole wrote: »

most unintentionally funny guy in that show too might have been Johnny sac!!

describing his wife....I didn't mind her weight tony, it never bothered me, I thought she looked Buminesque!!!!

also the way Tony stitched up Feech lamada with the televisions!!:D

Ah, watching Feechy on the bus back to prison was sad man!

Littlehorny

When Tony gives Junior some poor advice, Junior snaps back "listen to this guy, as sharp as a ****in cue ball".

andekwarhola

The one where Phil Leotardo tells his traumatised emo nephew (actually, after Phil killed his Da) that he looks like a "Puerto Rican whore'.

Or the discussion with Meadow when she was in the height of her adolescent stroppiness:

Meadow: There are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco bay area than anywhere on the planet.

Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing fudge?

andekwarhola

rusty cole wrote: »

describing his wife....I didn't mind her weight tony, it never bothered me, I thought she looked Buminesque!!!!

It's Rubenesque :pac:

/pedant

elefant

Christopher Moltisanti: I crossed over to the other side.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?

Christopher Moltisanti: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the **** outta here!

Christopher Moltisanti: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What bouncer?

Christopher Moltisanti: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.