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What's different about your relationship with your OH that may have been missing from

Shinbin223

So a few recent events in friends and my own life have got me thinking about this. These range from short lived things not getting off the ground as someone isn't ready for a relationship ( insert numerous other reasons) or to people who spent 8/9 years with someone, and when it ended met someone else and married quite soon after.

What was different about your current marriage/relationship to all others?
What made you want to commit to that person if you were someone who didn't really commit to anyone before?
Have you been in a relationship where everything was right about the other person and you couldn't fault them but for some other reason it didn't work?
And are you now with someone where it fell into place quite easily and you can see why it didn't work with others?!

Lots of questions I know but it has really got me thinking recently and I'd be interested in views/opinions.

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professore

Candie wrote: »

He gives me tingles and makes me laugh and I think he's the bestest ever in the history of the world, and he seems to think I'm tolerable

Awwww...

professore

Shinbin223 wrote: »

I do think it comes down to respect and kindness playing a major part in relationships going the distance. It is scary from listening to friends stories and my most recent relationship ending that sometimes the lack of respect shown to someone is baffling.
Fine, you can't force yourself to be with someone and the vast majority of people wouldn't want to force anyone or have to cajole someone into being with them, but the lack of decency and respect when relationships are ending is quite sad recently. My most recent relationship ended two weeks after he suggested a holiday in summer, and a week after he suggested a night away. There genuinely weren't any red flags, things were going really well, we enjoyed each others company and had a laugh together, sex life was really good and he ended it over a text message after me having to question why he was so distant all of a sudden. He refused to meet up or talk on the phone.
Another friend of mine was left in a pub on her own and to make her own way home from the middle of nowhere, even though her boyfriend knew she had no battery on her phone. He just walked out of the pub, left her and stopped answering calls. Sometimes a little common courtesy and respect wouldn't go astray when ending things, it costs nothing.
In lots of cases I know of with relationships ending, it wasn't like there was a big build up of rows, or things weren't going well or any one big "red-flag" incident occurred. It seemed to be simply one person turning around, almost out of the blue and saying they didn't want to be with the other person. It's probably those cases that had me asking the question regarding the different element that made you want to stay with your current partner/OH.
It is the cases where there is abuse or one partner is possessive, extremely difficult or where there are unsolvable issues like children/marriage/money that it is so easy to see why one party or both eventually left. I'm curious about situations where someone left a relationship where there was no "big issue" and the difference between that and the relationship you are currently in.

Both of those sound like classic cases of the guy just not being that into the girl and getting more and more bored with the whole situation but being too chicken**** to just come out and say it. Never understood that tbh.

Potential-Monke

Unlike my ex, my hand doesn't give out to me.

professore

Dawson Sweet Tidewater wrote: »

It's something that difficult to articulate but I suspect is also related to getting together that bit later and having known each other for so long before, but a fairly immediate sense of trust and safety. I can rely on him, I can be vulnerable in front of him, and vice versa. I think when I was younger I might have thought that sort of stuff was mutually exclusive from passion or excitement, it's not.

Passion and excitement in a relationship are WILDLY overrated. I get those from my hobbies and from some of my mad friends.

Most people don't want "passion and excitement" with their family finances or with their other half disappearing for days on end, constantly fighting with them, or their toddler finding drugs all over the house. I know couples who got together for "passion and excitement" with all of the above and worse.

professore

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

I agree with you actually on this. There are many relationships that both parties have lots of issues.

There are also many relationships with one really **** god awful partner and one partner who is decent but puts up with all the ****. So from that perspective all bad relationships are two people's fault.

[Deleted User]

For me I think it is communication. Not just superficial talking or saying how our day was. But full open honest intimate and deep communication. I never really had that in relationships before. And I know this relationship would simply not function if we did not have it now.

Your Face

I thought back through some of my ex's.

I think the difference is mutual respect.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I do remember being struck in the early days by just how much we got along . Just a small but constant trickle of dicovery of trivial preferences or habits we had in common, like sleeping with the radio on, disliking overhead lights. That dynamic scales up well too, our core values would be very compatible though not identical.

An ability to apologise without it turning into, implicitly or explicitly, a big mansplaination of "now that I've that I've apologised and you've calmed down, I'm just going to go through in detail why it was completely unnecessary for me to apologise". I just thought that was standard.

It was also the right relationship at the right time. We'd known each other years but didn't start seeing each other until our mid/late twenties. We each had a couple of long termers under our belt, had gotten the hard partying hot mess years out of our systems.

It's something that difficult to articulate but I suspect is also related to getting together that bit later and having known each other for so long before, but a fairly immediate sense of trust and safety. I can rely on him, I can be vulnerable in front of him, and vice versa. I think when I was younger I might have thought that sort of stuff was mutually exclusive from passion or excitement, it's not.

We're both people who naturally put a LOT into and expect a lot out of our romantic partnerships. Nothing wrong with being differently centred of course, but I think realistically for a relationship to work both parties need to be coming from the same place on that front, otherwise you just end up with one confused, claustrophobic "the fcuk did I do now" person and one panicked, emotionally frustrated person.

Mister Vain

She is extremely laid back and she would want to be as I have absolutely no tolerance for drama.

Outlaw Pete

"You know you’ve found somebody special when you can just shut the fcuk up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

myshirt

annascott wrote: »

We were friends first so I got to know and respect him as a person and not as a potential partner. Also, it is the first time everything was easy and felt right. I was with someone I trusted and actually liked, not as in the past with someone who I thought would impress my friends or give me added cudos. I wish I had worked that out in my twenties.

Troll level 1,000

ginandtonicsky

Malayalam wrote: »

Hmmm, what was different? It's a bit awkward to admit but the actual desire to share spit and touching and body fluids was what was different, and still is. In my life I have truly liked and deeply admired a few men for their brainy brilliance or talents, their poetic natures or artistic prowess. But it has been almost miniscule the amount of people I have met - even those I really, really like and admire - that I could ever envisage actually physically engaging with - I'm kind of a bit (lot?) autistic that way. Smells, textures, sounds, the raw physicality of people is very daunting to me. But it was never that way with himself. Rare pheromone synching, I guess. Thankfully.

I can relate a lot to this. it's so rare for me to meet a guy that has all these wonderful favourable personality traits and values and qualities and that I also feel this carnal need to touch and do all the physical couply sexy natural things you do when you're attracted to someone.

It's always been a mismatch of wanting to touch him but we're not remotely compatible in any other way and he's maybe a bit of a dick or he's a wonderful person but good god kissing him fills me with horror. how could i possibly like, what an ordeal.

i've been in love once, and he was that proverbial unicorn. the physical thing didn't seem daunting at all and beyond that he was a lovely kind and thoughtful human who made me laugh until i almost puked at least once a day.

ah love is great. and then it all goes to **** :pac:

mojesius

What is different about him?

He's kind, funny, unique and thoughtful. Nearly 10 years on I'm deeply attracted to him. We can chat about the weirdest topics for hours as we both have wandering minds.

Every other relationship, I wasn't fully 'me' as there was something about the other person that made me uncomfortable, like there was something to consciously work on or settle with.

Neither of us were remotely interested in a relationship when we met so it progressed very slowly from friendship to what we have now. We're not perfect by any means! Both stubborn and a bit mad

[Deleted User]

He gives me tingles and makes me laugh and I think he's the bestest ever in the history of the world, and he seems to think I'm tolerable

facehugger99

She's smart, funny, beautiful and kind.

She has her faults, but a lot less than anyone else I've ever gone out with.

lalababa

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Maybe you have also grown.

When a relationship didn't work, it is always both people's fault.

Whaaaat?

Telly

He made me belly laugh from day one. Is totally on my wave length with everything. We just “get” each other and after 2 yrs together it still feels all shinny and new. We’re a great match and I couldn’t imagine ever meeting someone like him again.

Mister Vain

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

A wedding is my worst bloody nightmare!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I can't think of anything more cringy or intensely awkward than a wedding.

Malayalam

Hmmm, what was different? It's a bit awkward to admit but the actual desire to share spit and touching and body fluids was what was different, and still is. In my life I have truly liked and deeply admired a few men for their brainy brilliance or talents, their poetic natures or artistic prowess. But it has been almost miniscule the amount of people I have met - even those I really, really like and admire - that I could ever envisage actually physically engaging with - I'm kind of a bit (lot?) autistic that way. Smells, textures, sounds, the raw physicality of people is very daunting to me. But it was never that way with himself. Rare pheromone synching, I guess. Thankfully.

ginandtonicsky

_Dara_ wrote: »

Well, she does have a point. Some 30-something women panic, not all. In both genders, there are people who are genuinely not that arsed about being in a relationship. And women who don't want kids also don't have a rocket up their arse.

i know as many men as i do women who hit their thirties and go babymaker-hunting. Mad for the wife-and-kids package all of a sudden. obviously women have the biological clock, but men also have the societal thing of all the mates suddenly disappearing into marriage-land and the "well...when are ya going to give me a day out" thing as well.

irishrebe

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

My last relationship was just off the scale dramatic, so bad that it's taken me 3 years to be really properly get over the stress of it all. I'd like to blame my ex for everything but I definitely have to take a fair bit of the blame myself for allowing half of the stuff to happen. I could have walked away at any time. You can just get dragged into this horrible toxic vacuum and your standards go out the window. A low point in my life but I really should have seen it coming, there were major red flags.
I'm seeing someone now who is the complete opposite of my ex. Totally laid back, low key, doesn't dress up or wear make up, my ex was obsessed with her looks and wanting validation from others.

Probably the best thing though is the fact that current is only 30 and I'm 37. She has no interest in weddings etc and tbh most of the women my age I've dated, and I've gone on a lot of dates in the last 3 years, seem to have wanted babies and weddings etc ASAP. Which is understandable, there seems to be huge pressure in Ireland to have a wedding. A wedding is my worst bloody nightmare!

Whatever about weddings, but a woman of your age doesn't have that much time left to have biological children. An older man dating a younger woman to avoid the clock ticking issue is a cliche for a reason.

irishrebe

Wibbs wrote: »

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

+1000 in pretty much every case. There are exceptions, but in my experience rarely enough. I know looking back on my relationships when they went south I usually blamed them at the time, but nope, it was pretty much 50/50 and in some ways more 60/40 with me being more at fault.

Not necessarily anyone's 'fault', either. Totally possible for two people to be incompatible or grow apart without either one of them being a bad person or behaving badly.

[Deleted User]

I find relationships difficult. It's hard for me to manage the emotional state of them. I can pick up on the subtlest of changes in another person. My own attachment style tends to always be moving towards rather than away. The thing that's different now is I'm aware of these struggles and how I impact upon others. So many of us go in to relationships thinking "what do I want" but I feel it's equally important to ask "what can I bring".

My outlook has changed. I no longer believe in one person forever and that's been liberating. Losing my identity is not an option and my boyfriend and I can do our own thing without needing the other. We know that at the end of the day we come back together. He is fiercely independent and has taught me a lot about being secure.

In saying all that it's not a bed of roses and I still struggle. The two of us are very different people. I'm all soft bits whereas he is sharp edges. Who knows what the future holds for any of us. All we can do is be appreciate who we have and if we stop then it's time to think.

One eyed Jack

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I think it is arrogant for a man to speak for women.

Not nearly as arrogant as assuming you can speak for everyone :pac:

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

It certainly is not always two peoples fault. There are numerous factors can influence each and every case, and for example I can tell you that my wife was certainly not at fault for the breakdown of our marriage. I was entirely at fault, because I'm an unbearable asshole most of the time and incredibly difficult to live with.

The odd thing was though that when we did separate, all I told people was that we had separated, but their reaction was interesting in the way that the most common response was "You'll find someone else". It was assumed in the first place that my wife had left me, and in the second place that I actually wanted to find anyone else.

_Dara_

cantdecide wrote: »

I agreed with the first bit of the post I quoted now please keep it down okay.

Please keep it down? What are you on about?

Wibbs

_Dara_ wrote: »

Well, she does have a point. Some 30-something women panic, not all. In both genders, there are people who are genuinely not that arsed about being in a relationship. And women who don't want kids also don't have a rocket up their arse.

Oh I agree 100% D and I know men and women that couldn't be arsed(hell, I've been mostly one).

That's why I wrote "This can be seen in some women in their mid 30's", but as usual that particular poster went off on one and came back with: "I don't think it is true at all that women panic in their thirties". Which is correct, but that's not what I wrote. She went from "some" to "all" because that's what she wants/needs to read to reinforce her slanted worldview(I mentioned men too, but she missed that. Of course).

cantdecide

_Dara_ wrote: »

Well, she does have a point. Some 30-something women panic, not all. In both genders, there are people who are genuinely not that arsed about being in a relationship. And women who don't want kids also don't have a rocket up their arse.

I agreed with the first bit of the post I quoted now please keep it down okay.

_Dara_

cantdecide wrote: »

Well, she does have a point. Some 30-something women panic, not all. In both genders, there are people who are genuinely not that arsed about being in a relationship. And women who don't want kids also don't have a rocket up their arse.

Wibbs

stimpson wrote: »

It’s easy to say get up and leave but there is a boiling frog mentality where each episode in itself isn’t enough to make you leave. You get desensitised to it after a while and things that should make you want to leg it just make you want to keep your head down so it blows over quickly and you can move past it until the next drama.

Oh I agree S and wouldn't want anyone to think someone was an enabler in a situation like yours.

I suppose I was more referring to those men and women who do this kinda thing time and time again with different partners. I've known a few of those. I'm sure most have. Basically if all their relationships have been abusive, or negative in a particular way, then the common factor is them sorta thing. If someone tells me that all men/women are bastards, because all their exes were, my goto thought is; you're picking a minority of abusive people out of all the people you meet as some sort of choice. Now a repeated choice like that is a sign of personal issues or trauma that needs help to get over, but it is a choice IMHO. I should have been more clear about that, so mea culpa.

Shinbin223

I do think it comes down to respect and kindness playing a major part in relationships going the distance. It is scary from listening to friends stories and my most recent relationship ending that sometimes the lack of respect shown to someone is baffling.
Fine, you can't force yourself to be with someone and the vast majority of people wouldn't want to force anyone or have to cajole someone into being with them, but the lack of decency and respect when relationships are ending is quite sad recently. My most recent relationship ended two weeks after he suggested a holiday in summer, and a week after he suggested a night away. There genuinely weren't any red flags, things were going really well, we enjoyed each others company and had a laugh together, sex life was really good and he ended it over a text message after me having to question why he was so distant all of a sudden. He refused to meet up or talk on the phone.
Another friend of mine was left in a pub on her own and to make her own way home from the middle of nowhere, even though her boyfriend knew she had no battery on her phone. He just walked out of the pub, left her and stopped answering calls. Sometimes a little common courtesy and respect wouldn't go astray when ending things, it costs nothing.
In lots of cases I know of with relationships ending, it wasn't like there was a big build up of rows, or things weren't going well or any one big "red-flag" incident occurred. It seemed to be simply one person turning around, almost out of the blue and saying they didn't want to be with the other person. It's probably those cases that had me asking the question regarding the different element that made you want to stay with your current partner/OH.
It is the cases where there is abuse or one partner is possessive, extremely difficult or where there are unsolvable issues like children/marriage/money that it is so easy to see why one party or both eventually left. I'm curious about situations where someone left a relationship where there was no "big issue" and the difference between that and the relationship you are currently in.