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Preparing for single life

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

Not sure if this should be in Personal Issues or Relationship Issues mods please move if it's in the wrong forum.

Basically, I'm asking if anyone here has any idea of how best to prepare for living life as a singleton. I'm pretty much starting to think this the direction that my life is going. I'm a male going to be 34 this year, an only child from the country living in Dublin for work purposes. It's only in the last few years I've really started to think about this, as in what happens when my parents are gone - that's pretty much the end of my family. I go down to see them as often as I can, so I have a very close bond with them. So, as I say how do I prepare for life in the years ahead? My Dad is somewhat worried about me not finding anyone, but I usually laugh it off with him saying something like 'don't be worrying about me' or similar.

I was at home until I was 29, then I came to Dublin when the recession bit hard at home and I was out of work having spent 7 years after school in third level and professional education, when this permanent and pensionable job came up which I was lucky to get. The first two years were difficult because I wasn’t in the right department for me, but again I had a stroke of luck and I got moved to a different division and it’s was a perfect fit and I’ve been in it since. Thankfully because of all that, things are good professionally.
However, I’ve always had some issues in life, I’ve had to take anxiety medication for a good few years now, which does the job most of the time, but my relationship anxiety is terrible still. Up until my late 20’s I didn’t think a lot about whether I was single or with or anything like that – I was busy studying and working and all that. It was only in my late 20’s that I even got interested in meeting someone. Also, I was never a pub and club person and I don’t drink so I’ve never really been attracted to those places. As a result, I suppose my ability to meet people is somewhat restricted as a result. I asked a girl out once at the end of college, I got the ‘Oh, I’m flattered, but no let’s be friends’. Anything else has been by through online dating – that’s a soul-destroying way of doing things- most of my messages end up ‘Read Deleted’. One girl I got talking to online for about six weeks but cut it off as soon as she met me. I had two other coffee dates with girls but I got the text message pretty soon afterwards saying thanks but no thanks. One girl I’ve remained good friends with from online dating but she wouldn’t go out with me because ‘I was too lovely and she’d hate to have to break up with me, where we can be friends forever.’ She now has been in a relationship for two years. Also I’m very unsure about having children as I’m worried about having children I’m not sure I’d have the patience for them which is another minus mark.

While I’ve been in Dublin though I have joined 4 sports clubs depending on the season so I’m out at least 2-3 evenings a week. The last one I joined has resulted in me losing a stone since November which was something I really needed to do. Of course there a women at these clubs, but even talking to them can fill me with dread – are they going to think I’m weird or a stalker or something. Considering what’s been in the media lately I can understand why women can be a bit defensive around men so I suppose I can’t blame them. Also at one of these clubs if I tell a girl I like her and she’s horrified (which she probably will be), well that’s it I’d feel so uncomfortable about going back any more. Plus I’d feel really, really down about the no anyway as another dream will have died.

So basically where do I go? As I said at the start of this post I’d like to know how best to prepare for life on my own- is there anyone here who is long term single, do you keep up plenty of hobbies and interests to keep the mind active or throw yourself into work and just immerse yourself in that?

This post has become a bit of a rant so apologies for that, and I accept that I may not like all the feedback that comes back but any thoughts are appreciated.

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Emme

Have you joined any meetup groups? They would be perfect for you and women usually outnumber men. Go with the intention of making new friends and give it time. The girls will approach you.

TheBoyConor

Noone "prepares" for single life.
You are overthinking this in a big way.

I think your anxiety issues are causing you trouble as your mind seems to be going into overdrive wondering what if what if what if. I think you should go to see a psychotherapist or at least a counsellor about getting cbt or whatever to see can you fix the disrdered thinking.

LegacyUser

Hi OP , not sure if I have any advice, I am 34 and in basically the same situation. Funnily enough I was more bothered about it when I was younger, and as time goes on I just say oh well, if I meet someone that's great, but if not that's fine too.
One thing that stood out to me was that you are unsure about kids. I can't speak for all women but I am also unsure about whether I would be good with kids, but would still like someone who would be open to the idea of having them rather than someone who is also unsure, so that might make a difference?
Funny thing is I have had many opportunities for relationship, but just there was always something missing, regarding those individuals. Some of us just want to love and be loved and won't settle for anything less than mutual feelings. Maybe you are like this too? Also bear in mind that we can tell the difference between when someone is genuinely into us, and someone who just wants to be with someone/anyone, just to be in a relationship, and if we think thats whats going on we'll probably say no. Sorry for huge generalisations here, I guess I don't really have any advice, just letting you know there are some women in the same position out there too!

silverharp

dont undersell yourself OP, age wise you are at you peak and it sounds like you have a decent career. dont over think whether you will find someone or not, find situations you are comfortable in, be confident and chances are women will approach you. expand you horizons a bit, wine tasting, weekend residential activities etc. there must be lots of stuff out there these days. And possibly smarten up your image/wardrobe a bit if relevant?

Dog walker 1234

You are over thinking this in a big way. Get out and about, enjoy your life. Take part in things that make you happy. You will meet other people with the same interests. Go with the intention of enjoying yourself. If you click with someone great, if not, so be it.

Lots of happy single people out there. It is not something to be feared.

Jasper_

How is your appearance OP? Have you maximized the hand that was dealt to you?

Are you well groomed? How are your teeth, yellow, crooked?

Do you wear sharp clothes that fit and complement you? Are you always looking for ways to dress better?

You say you need to lose a few pounds, have you set yourself goals for this?

Looks are of course only one factor at play here (the number one being your lack of confidence) - but the above list are things that if you have down to a T, women will be much more likely to engage further with you.

BetsyEllen

Jasper_ wrote: »

How is your appearance OP? Have you maximized the hand that was dealt to you?

Are you well groomed? How are your teeth, yellow, crooked?

Do you wear sharp clothes that fit and complement you? Are you always looking for ways to dress better?

You say you need to lose a few pounds, have you set yourself goals for this?

Looks are of course only one factor at play here (the number one being your lack of confidence) - but the above list are things that if you have down to a T, women will be much more likely to engage further with you.

Have to agree with this. I got a message from a guy on PoF the other day who was really, really good looking.
However...on his main pic he was wearing an awful old fashioned shirt, jeans that were really not nice and on top of that the shirt was all crumpled. He looked a mess, I didn’t reply.
It’s not always as simple as how nice your face is, it’s the finer details.

My ex wasn’t the best looking guy in the world but always dressed well, looked after his appearance, kept himself fit. That was very attractive to me.
And what attracted me to him secondly was his confidence so do try to work on that, it’s so sexy!

Rekop dog

There's a whole lot of defeatist attitude in that post. You're almost expecting nothing to come of interactions before they even happen, and as always is the case in these type of threads there's never any remarks about what you want from the women on the date aside from them not rejecting you. You need to have your own standards and expectations and that comes across attractive to women.

I'd suggest CBT to try help alter the way you look at these things, as there's a deeply ingrained lack of confidence and self fulfilling prophecy's there that would probably need a professional to help you with.

And no girl on the team is going to think you're a weirdo if you approach them in a friendly manner. Chances are they could be hoping to meet someone too.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies and advice.

The meetup suggestion is one I'd agree and have done. I have made plenty of acquaintances and friends from the clubs I've been involved in - it's when I try to move things on from the just saying hello stage that things seem to go wrong.

I’ll definitely consider talking to someone professionally as I would be a talker when I get going. I’ve found putting it down here even was helpful.

Clothes are something to me that’s been functional rather than fashionable. I suppose I didn’t realise the importance of it outside of professional situations.

I will put it on record that in general I’m pretty happy with life, I realise that compared to some people I don’t have problems. I think I’m just frustrated with not getting this right. I’m definitely a What if person I’d analyse something to death alright.

Once again thanks for replies :-)

LegacyUser

randomblondiegirl wrote: »

Funny thing is I have had many opportunities for relationship, but just there was always something missing, regarding those individuals. Some of us just want to love and be loved and won't settle for anything less than mutual feelings. Maybe you are like this too? Also bear in mind that we can tell the difference between when someone is genuinely into us, and someone who just wants to be with someone/anyone, just to be in a relationship, and if we think thats whats going on we'll probably say no. Sorry for huge generalisations here, I guess I don't really have any advice, just letting you know there are some women in the same position out there too!

I only saw your post today but thank you so much for the insight it's much appreciated. I hope things work out for you as well :-)