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uncomfortable relationship with in-laws

sinead99

Hi there,

I'm looking for some advice regarding my situation.

In a nutshell, I just feel so uncomfortable around my in-laws. I feel tense, anxious and never at ease when they are around. They aren't good for me.

It's pretty serious because it's not just a little discomfort I feel miserable for a couple of days after having to spend any time with them at all.

I can't put my finger on it and it's abstract but it's just how I feel when I'm around them. BLAH. I don't feel that way around anyone else such as my coworkers or some new people I meet. It's just literally his family.

I've had a couple of massive arguments with them in the past.

My husband and I relocated to the area close to them. I was only new there I didn't know my way around or anything.

1. My husband and I were staying with his dad for a couple of months (big mistake - we are gone now but we were waiting to rent a house). His dad got really drunk and shouted at us about clean dishes at midnight and scared the ****ing **** out of his own granddaughter. He also scared me and didn't apologize. I didn't know him very well and for all I knew he could have been violent. They made their loyalty known and were on the same page.

His sister was upset so she burst into the house at 11 PM (the next day) and scared the **** out of her niece. She also scared me. I really hated her for that.

Those arguments were over a year ago and nothing since but I feel no connection to them, they never make any effort into contacting me or talking to me (but they never really did), and when I attend the family events his family never tries to strike up a conversation with me even just about their niece. In the 5 years that I have been married to my husband, I have never had a conversation longer than a few sentences with them. I feel like an outsider and get bored. I don't know there is no common ground or anything in common. They are never at ease with me and never relaxed and happy.

I haven't seen any of them at all since Christmas and I've been so much happier.

I was able to get through 4 hours of Christmas dinner with them but then the next day I felt angry. Some stupid sexist comments were made like: "oh, does your husband give you any pocket money" "are you feeding that man" etc. My husband said that it's a 'joke' and he turned against me because I can't take a 'joke'.

While I likely won't have to see them again for a long time, I am pregnant (I didn't tell them yet) and the baby is due in October.
Most likely they will want to come around to see the baby and I dread it.

I also dread having to go to another Christmas dinner next time. I don't want to see them again.

I told my husband this and he said he will take our kids to the dinner and I can stay home by myself.

I don't think it's fair of him to think like that. What do you think?

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Comments

Colser

sinead99 wrote: »

It's fine for him to have a relationship with them but I don't want to.

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice. I genuinely cannot handle these inlaws. I cannot cope with them. I am not capable of deflecting their comments. I am also greatly outnumbered. I am only one and they are 25. My family does not live nearby.

Have you discussed this with your own family and if so what did they say?

Whispered

Are you and your husband able to talk about this at all?

in your opening post you said that your husband would bring the kids to see the in laws but you don't think it's fair for him to think like that. Now you're saying you don't mind him bringing the kids but you don't want them in the house.

How did your husband feel about too slagging his father on Facebook?

How do you see this working out? You don't want in laws in house. Husband does. It's your house but you seem to feel as if you need to answer to your husband. The only way I can see a change is you and your husband come to an agreement.

GingerLily

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

sinead99

Whispered wrote: »

Are you and your husband able to talk about this at all?

in your opening post you said that your husband would bring the kids to see the in laws but you don't think it's fair for him to think like that. Now you're saying you don't mind him bringing the kids but you don't want them in the house.

How did your husband feel about too slagging his father on Facebook?

How do you see this working out? You don't want in laws in house. Husband does. It's your house but you seem to feel as if you need to answer to your husband. The only way I can see a change is you and your husband come to an agreement.

I was just on about Christmas day.
I don't mind if he takes her other times it's just I don't want to see them. I don't want to go to the next dinner. I feel that he should be loyal to me on Christmas.

As for Facebook what a bunch of hypocrites. After I got married my SIL posted on my Facebook saying my marriage was a sham.

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

OP in your opening post before you edited it you were looking for work,sitting in the cafe near your daughters school waiting on a lift from your SIL. So you have work now and pay for the family home ? No contribution from your husband. Seems you managed to get a great job in a short space of time.

Katgurl

OP I really do feel for you but to give you another perspective -

My dad can be a deeply unpleasant person; he's racist, sexist, judgmental, condescending, the lot.

He is the exact opposite to my brother's wife's dad. they have daughters. My SIL suffers my dad's rudeness and inappropriate remarks and questions to her children. Afterwards she makes it clear to them that just because he holds these views about women and black people they shouldn't.

The reason she does this is because even though my dad is abhorrent at times, he is our dad and she doesn't want to damage the relationship my brother has with him. In fact, she does her best to encourage their very strained relationship.

I'm sorry but I think you can try harder here. You married this man and if he wants his family members to be involved then you should make it easier not more difficult.

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

When I say my house I mean the house that we are renting now.

splinter65

sinead99 wrote: »

OK... that grandparent got drunk and shouted at us at midnight and scared the living daylights out of his granddaughter over clean dishes. So did her aunt.

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

You’re being very unreasonable and I have a feeling that all this aggro is more your fault then your in-laws. You’re coming across as extremely unpleasant.
There must be a reason for this.
Have you considered talking to someone professionally about your issues?

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

OP in your opening post before you edited it you were looking for work,sitting in the cafe near your daughters school waiting on a lift from your SIL. So you have work now and pay for the family home ? No contribution from your husband. Seems you managed to get a great job in a short space of time.

Yes that's correct. Well actually it took 5 months but that's because we moved in December (My husband's dictated time).

GingerLily

sinead99 wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

When I say my house I mean the house that we are renting now.

So what did he do when you were job hunting? Why were your inlaws joking about him giving you pocket money?
Why does he not contribute?

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

Yes that's correct. Well actually it took 5 months but that's because we moved in December (My husband's dictated time).

Why the heavy edit of your original post? Seems very curious to be honest. So you stayed with your in-laws for 5 months? But you claimed you didn't really know them and married for 4 or is it 5 years? can't fully remember the unedited opening comment. Something doesn't add up about what you are saying. Seems contrived.

meeeeh

sinead99 wrote: »

It's fine for him to have a relationship with them but I don't want to.

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice. I genuinely cannot handle these inlaws. I cannot cope with them. I am not capable of deflecting their comments. I am also greatly outnumbered. I am only one and they are 25. My family does not live nearby.

Then you should work on your own assertiveness. None of my family live nearby, but I get on very well with my in-laws. It's very handy sometimes. I know that not everyone has nice in-laws but as far as I can judge by other posts you started venting on fb about them instead of addressing issues with them. That kind of cowardly approach is never going to work and will make things worse. You have to learn to deal with people you don't particularly like and establish some sort of a working relationship. You don't need a backing of your own family for that.

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Why the heavy edit of your original post? Seems very curious to be honest. So you stayed with your in-laws for 5 months? But you claimed you didn't really know them and married for 4 or is it 5 years? can't fully remember the unedited opening comment. Something doesn't add up about what you are saying. Seems contrived.

Yes that's right. Before moving in I only met him once before.

We were not living in the area. We also eloped so we didn't have a wedding.

Dial Hard

sinead99 wrote:

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

Sorry, but why are you even with this person? It doesn't sound like you even like him, let alone love him.

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

So what did he do when you were job hunting? Why were your inlaws joking about him giving you pocket money?
Why does he not contribute?

The Christmas dinner was a year after the drunken incident. By the time the second Christmas came around I had a job. He refuses to even get a part time job on the weekend because he said he doesn't trust me with my own daughter and he doesn't want to use any form of childcare at all.

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

Yes that's right. Before moving in I only met him once before.

So in 5 years you only visited your husbands family once or they only visited you once? Do they go to the wedding or just visit at the birth of your daughter. Strange.

sinead99

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, but why are you even with this person? It doesn't sound like you even like him, let alone love him.

I do love him but he was way too much power here.
The threat of custody battles and separation is never far off in any arguments.

Well he has 25 people to back him up with some made up story that they would do to try to win. Who knows what they could do with 25 of them?

runawaybishop

sinead99 wrote: »

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice.

sinead99 wrote: »

I got it back by exposing his horrible self to everyone.

'Grow up ' sounds like good advice. What on earth are you doing posting family issues on Facebook?

You seem hugely resentful, do you even want to be in a relationship?

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

We were not living in the area. We also eloped so we didn't have a wedding.

Missed this bit my apologies. I'm beginning to think you trive on drama and the creation of same. I don't believe your story for a second, more holes than a sieve. The edited first post was a giveaway you seem to have forgotten some of what you claimed. I'm out.

sinead99

meeeeh wrote: »

Then you should work on your own assertiveness. None of my family live nearby, but I get on very well with my in-laws. It's very handy sometimes. I know that not everyone has nice in-laws but as far as I can judge by other posts you started venting on fb about them instead of addressing issues with them. That kind of cowardly approach is never going to work and will make things worse. You have to learn to deal with people you don't particularly like and establish some sort of a working relationship. You don't need a backing of your own family for that.

You are probably right. I do feel cowardly when it comes to them.

They have also posted nasty things on facebook in the past. When we got married his sister posted that it was a sham in Facebook.

GingerLily

sinead99 wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

So what did he do when you were job hunting? Why were your inlaws joking about him giving you pocket money?
Why does he not contribute?

The Christmas dinner was a year after the drunken incident. By the time the second Christmas came around I had a job. He refuses to even get a part time job on the weekend because he said he doesn't trust me with my own daughter and he doesn't want to use any form of childcare at all.

WHY ARE YOU NOT ADDRESSING THESE ISSUES WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

Stop ignoring the Elephant in the room!!

Your husband doesn't respect you so his family don't, blame your husband!!

And keep off Facebook, get a therapist if you need a rant, it's completely inappropriate to diss family or inlaws on social media

sinead99

runawaybishop wrote: »

'Grow up ' sounds like good advice. What on earth are you doing posting family issues on Facebook?

You seem hugely resentful, do you even want to be in a relationship?

I don't see them as family.

They are just people I have to tolerate.

Well I want to be in a relationship with somone who values my happiness and I want their family to value me too.

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Missed this bit my apologies. I'm beginning to think you trive on drama and the creation of same. I don't believe your story for a second, more holes than a sieve. The edited first post was a giveaway you seem to have forgotten some of what you claimed. I'm out.

There are no holes it's just I'd have to write a novel of what s been going on for 5 years. Would you read the whole thing if I posted it?

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

WHY ARE YOU NOT ADDRESSING THESE ISSUES WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

Stop ignoring the Elephant in the room!!

Your husband doesn't respect you so his family don't, blame your husband!!

And keep off Facebook, get a therapist if you need a rant, it's completely inappropriate to diss family or inlaws on social media

I have tried to address the issues and I keep trying.

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

There are no holes it's just I'd have to write a novel of what s been going on for 5 years. Would you read the whole thing if I posted it?

I read the first post before you edited it extensively. Some advice when you tell lies have a good memory or hope those you are lying to have a terrible memory. My memory is good. I shall leave you with your fantasy, it's a pity however threads like yours get to detract from serious topics for people that need advice or support.

MissShihTzu

I dunno. Thus seems a bit odd.

Your husband 'made' you move nearer his family? I don't get that - What made you agree and why didn't you discuss it in detail between you?

Do you not share finances? Or is it a case of 'I pay so I say'?

How long had you known your husband before you married? I ask because it seems neither of you know the other well and don't communicate. It's a Do as I say situation with little give or take on EITHER side. The threat of separation and custody battles don't scream of a healthy relationship either. In any case, it would be extremely unlikely he would be awarded full custody.

I am worried for you and your family (husband & daughter)

One last thing - Keep off Facebook! People are too ready to put their personal business on the net for all to see these days. Have some respect for people. You wouldn't like it done to you, so don't do it to others!

You need to work as a team. Get counselling to allow you to do that. Otherwise, it's going to be a very unhappy time - For all of you. In the meantime - if you don't want to see your in-laws? Don't! Very simple. Let the baby go to see her grandparents, but other than that? Keep away.

sinead99

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I dunno. Thus seems a bit odd.

Your husband 'made' you move nearer his family? I don't get that - What made you agree and why didn't you discuss it in detail between you?

Do you not share finances? Or is it a case of 'I pay so I say'?

How long had you known your husband before you married? I ask because it seems neither of you know the other well and don't communicate. It's a Do as I say situation with little give or take on EITHER side. The threat of separation and custody battles don't scream of a healthy relationship either. In any case, it would be extremely unlikely he would be awarded full custody.

I am worried for you and your family (husband & daughter)

One last thing - Keep off Facebook! People are too ready to put their personal business on the net for all to see these days. Have some respect for people. You wouldn't like it done to you, so don't do it to others!

You need to work as a team. Get counselling to allow you to do that. Otherwise, it's going to be a very unhappy time - For all of you. In the meantime - if you don't want to see your in-laws? Don't! Very simple. Let the baby go to see her grandparents, but other than that? Keep away.

Yes, by taking my daughter and threatening custody etc. He effectively forced me to move. He said I didn't have to go with them but I was 'invited' to go with them. If he is taking the child he is forcing me to go. It's true that I didn't like where we were living but I didn't know that I was walking into a wasp pit. He claimed that he didn't either.

We had a whirlwind relationship and eloped. The whole process was less than 6 months.

My biggest problem with him is that there is very little loyalty to me. I told him that I didn't enjoy this past Christmas dinner (2017) and that I didn't want to go next time. He said he'll tell his family that I hate them etc. He said he'll tell them everything I ever said about them. He also got angry with me that I didn't enjoy the dinner. I can't win when it comes to his issue.

I feel very powerless and that I have no leverage.

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Missed this bit my apologies. I'm beginning to think you trive on drama and the creation of same. I don't believe your story for a second, more holes than a sieve. The edited first post was a giveaway you seem to have forgotten some of what you claimed. I'm out.

I also came here not to be attacked. I edited it because the focus was on a Facebook post from over a year and a half ago and not on the current day issues.

Anne1982h

Your husband is abusive and you are immature and ill equipped to deal with the relationship (posting things on Facebook for God’s sake!!!) You need to take a long hard look at yourself and your husband and forget about your in laws and Christmas dinner. Why doesn’t your husband trust you with your daughter. Why doesn’t he get a job. Why are you so resentful of him. Why are you together at all - and saying it’s as if you leave him he’ll get custody or take your daughter is not a reason as these things are processed through the courts and as he has no income it’s highly unlikely he would be granted full custody. Are your parents stable people? Maybe you should take your daughter and move to where they are and start divorce proceedings. Sounds like you married someone you didn’t even know and your marriage has been a shambles since. I feel sorry for your daughter.

GingerLily

sinead99 wrote: »

I also came here not to be attacked. I edited it because the focus was on a Facebook post from over a year and a half ago and not on the current day issues.

If you don't want issues from a year and a half ago to be brought up why are you also bringing up the issue about your father in law from the same incident?

Your inlaws aren't the issue - your husband is. Your in an abusive relationship and you can't even see it.