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Child Item

Is it crazy that my 12 year old sister bullies Me?

Kilduffyras1

I'm quiet in nature, my little sister is very popular in school and outgoing. The crazy thing is i am 24 and she upsets me with her nasty comments.
She tells me I am fat, which I'm not really, she says I have an ugly smile, and she imitates me smiling in photos, she says I look down syndrome which is so terrible but she says it.
I feel so hurt by these comments because I always feel like in my own head they were always true. I always felt I looked a little weird but no1 has said it only her.
These comments by a 12 year old are horrible, but if I were to receive these comments from a 12 year old or a 40 year old, it would hurt all the same. They're are still comments about my looks whether they are exaggerated, true or untrue!
Any advice on what I should do? She has an answer for everything. I know I should just ignore her, but I can't help these comments hurting me. I wish she would just stop. She's obsessed with her own looks, her Instagram photos, inglot, etc etc, like all 12 year olds who are vein now and so so cocky! It just upsets me and if I ask my mother to tell her to stop she will just say "I don't believe she is saying them things to you?"

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Kilduffyras1

I'm sure many will read this saying "that is a hoax and a troll" but it really is not. I wouldn't waste a second of my time writing it if it weren't true.

zapper55

I do think you must have very low self esteem for comments from a child to affect you and for you not to stand up to her. I think you need to speak to your mother about it again. If she won't/doesn't deal with it you should consider moving out. I would suggest talking to someone about improving your confidence also, maybe a counsellor.

woodchuck

I don't think you should ignore these comments. She's 12 years old and presumably starting to test the limits of what is/isn't socially acceptable. She needs to be called up on this behaviour now before she develops into an obnoxious adult.

qwerty13

woodchuck wrote: »

I don't think you should ignore these comments. She's 12 years old and presumably starting to test the limits of what is/isn't socially acceptable. She needs to be called up on this behaviour now before she develops into an obnoxious adult.

Not only for your own sake, but also for hers, you need to let her know that her behaviour is not acceptable. She is going to be a nasty horrible person, if her current behaviour is left unchecked.

As to her behaviour towards you: you need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate her crap. Every time she does it, tell your mother what she has said. Withdraw any privileges you give her (money, access to your laptop etc). She needs to learn rules of acceptable behaviour

Cash_Q

It sounds awful and it's a pity your mother isn't taking you seriously. Sneaky as it sounds, could you try to secretly record her speaking to you like that to show to your mother? Is there anyone else living in the household who could support you?

It is bullying and your mother surely doesn't want her daughter bullying you or anyone. If she's like this with you imagine what she's like with vulnerable girls at school or clubs she's a member of.

If still at primary school perhaps your mother could speak to her teacher and the class could do some work on bullying as part of the Stay Safe programme.

Do you have any positive interactions with her? You've taken the first step in the right direction anyway by acknowledging her behaviour as bullying and seeking help/reaching out here.

spurious

Record her on your phone. At least then you do not have to deal with your mother thinking you are lying. Expose her.

It does sound a bit like she has some issues herself.

**edit
Oops great minds etc. Re last post.

Rachiee

I dont see why your mother has to be the one to deal with it, I know its hard for you and its certainly not your job to discipline her but she is 12 she is old enough to be reasoned with. Deal with this the same way as you would deal with anyones unacceptable behaviour. Stick up for yourself, tell her she cannot talk to you like that, ask her why she feels the need to put you down tell her its nasty behaviour. She may not listen but it is all you can do to be heard you cannot control her behaviour but you can control your response and at the moment you are accepting it because you think its true. She has absolutely no right to speak to you like that. Nobody does

suicide_circus

I'd put her right back in her box personally. Nothing physical obviously but surely at 24 you can come up with some devastating retort to one of her put downs? Something that will strike home with such force that she won't recover for weeks. It's not you job to discipline her and your mother clearly has no interest in doing it so it's either stand up for yourself or prepare for it to continue.

leggo

The best way to deal with people who slag you is the same way comedians deal with hecklers: get them back hard once so they learn never to go back to that well.

I have a sister with a large age gap and, while she’s matured now and we’d be past that stage, when she started getting to the cheeky stage I just remembered what it was like to be that age and what mattered (obviously without trying to hurt her self-esteem too). So she’d say something and I’d fire back with something like “Aw I’m a moody teen rebelling against the system maaaaaann...” or “You’re acting like a child now stop, grown ups don’t do this” (because all teens want is to be seen and treated as older than they are). Even stuff like disarming them like “You’re lashing out at me...what’s the matter do you need to talk?” in a totally calm way just makes their brain explode while dealing with it in a way that actually makes you available if they do want to talk.

But yeah, her behaviour is kinda par for the course and something you’ll need to find an answer to. Hormones alone dictate it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you need gonna be a word with your mother. A proper sit down talk to her. This is more than a teenager/hormones. It's down right carry and I would worry about 2 things:-

1. Is she being bullied and she's lashing out where she can?

Or

2. It's quite likely you're not the only one she's spitting her venom at. What if she's saying the same thing to someone in school and is seriously having an effect on them? She seems to have no concept of how deeply her words could effect someone and it needs to stop now.

For You, in the meantime, if You were dealing with a bully elsewhere you would disregard what they are saying. You would put them down to coming from an awful person and brush them off. The more you get annoyed or upset, the more you're feeding her. I would shut her down with a ' You have no right to speak to anyone like that', and move on. Don't engage with anything she says after that because she will get more vicious in order to get a reaction.

I would absolutely make your mother aware of her behaviour though. She needs to get control of it just in case She is carrying on like this outside the house.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Kilduffyras1

Thanks everyone for the comments. I would record her and let my mother listen but I wouldn't waste my time because she would say "she's only messing ignore her" simply because she is let away wit murder coz she is the younger out of 5 children with a gap of 15 years between oldest and youngest.
I said to Her one day "you know clodagh you can't say them things to people they are not nice and you won't have a friend left coz they won't want a friend who hurts their feelings" and she said "I don't hurt their feelings, I just hurt yours" . But My little brother is 16 and she said to him the other day his teeth were yellow and no girl would "shift" him with teeth like that. And he said nothing and just walked away. They were not even fighting. They were talking about their iPhones storage and she just comes out with that comment.
My worst fear is if it continues on in school with poor vulnerable girls with no confidence.
Her main comments about people are on their physical appearance. She goes through people's Instagram pictures and their faces with a fine tooth comb and says "she's pretty but she has such a massive forehead". She even knows who has black heads on their chin and who doesn't. She is OBSESSED with physical appearances and notices every flaw. What do you make of this?

leggo

Sounds like a standard 12-year old girl in 2018, and that’s sad more than anything. So consider that when she’s commenting on you: it’s coming from a position of extreme insecurity, vulnerability and a pressure to be perfect or put down others’ imperfections to make herself feel better about her own. That doesn’t make what she’s saying okay, but if you approach her with that in mind you might find a solution a lot quicker and nicer than going on the defensive.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, she's 12. Starting secondary soon? Already in it? She's not a poor little 6 year old who doesn't know what she's talking about. So I'd treat her the same as she's treating you. Pick out something you know she's insecure about and comment on it when she starts. So she says something to you, you say something back. Is it mature no? But it's sibling rivalry. And we all lived through it.

She sounds like a bitch. And I know people don't like children being called names, but if you can have a 16/17 year old bitch they started somewhere, and a bitchy/arsehole adult usually started out as a bitchy/arsehole child.
Not very PC, I know, but there you go. Some people just aren't nice people. And it has nothing to do with their age. If she was 6 I might recommend showing her the error of her ways, by 12 unless she has learning difficulties and delayed social skills then she knows exactly what she's doing and any pleading to her senses will be met with more ridicule.

Play her at her own game. We were probably all taken down a peg or two in our childhood. Apparently you're not allowed do that anymore, though.

And by the way she doesn't sound like

leggo wrote: »

a standard 12-year old girl in 2018

There are far more nice and decent young people going around than nasty people like this. It's just the tend to go largely unnoticed, and they're not as much fun to talk about.

leggo

Yeah I meant more along the lines of being obsessed with image, how they react to that can vary of course. ‘Fighting fire with fire’ and ‘taking people down a peg or two’ makes people feel better but doesn’t actually solve anything, you’re just passing the problem along rather than getting to the root of it. She won’t feel less insecure and inclined to lash out because someone called her a bitch. In fact that’ll likely just compound her feelings and make her more inclined to do so, just maybe in a different direction. But it sounds cathartic on paper.

woodchuck

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I said to Her one day "you know clodagh you can't say them things to people they are not nice and you won't have a friend left coz they won't want a friend who hurts their feelings" and she said "I don't hurt their feelings, I just hurt yours" .

And you just left it at that? I would've kept the conversation going and let her know that most people who have their feelings hurt are too afraid to say anything. And that quite frankly, she's being a b1tch.

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

But My little brother is 16 and she said to him the other day his teeth were yellow and no girl would "shift" him with teeth like that. And he said nothing and just walked away. They were not even fighting. They were talking about their iPhones storage and she just comes out with that comment.

I would've given her a right verbal bollocking over that!!!

I think BBOC has the right idea. Although it seems childish and immature, I think you need to come down to her level. Pick out something you know she's insecure about (e.g. big nose). The next time she insults you or someone else, ask her how it would feel if someone told her she had a big nose. You need to hit her where it hurts so she'll start to realise how it feels for everyone else!

tea and coffee

I think that age is when girls in particular become very attuned to appearance. It's likely she is starting to experience some body changes herself, and it's a scary time for teens with wanting to look good and be attractive . She probably feels self conscious herself and that's why she's focusing on other people's appearances.
Note that she won't say it to her friends as she knows they won't tolerate her nonsense.
I wouldn't fight fire with fire. I'd just ignore it or say "I'm sorry that you think that; it says more about you than me Clodagh. Appearances aren't everything. You'll learn that as you get older"

Bambi985

TBH if she's the youngest child by a country mile then the likelihood is she's got her parents wrapped around her little finger and will manipulate the hell out of them to turn you into the "bad cop" if you start reciprocating the nasty comments. Not to mention how returning the insults is just going to reinforce to her how impactful they can be.

If it was me I'd be totally dismissive of the comments and mock her every time she starts up. "Ah there's self-obsessed Clodagh again obsessing about other people's appearance" or "ah the Instagram-queen has spoken, we are all minging lads!" or "oh fcek off and take another selfie Clodagh, seeing as you're the only perfect person here" type of thing. Basically pulling her up on how superficial she is and showing her that she has no power over you.

It sounds like this is part tween hormones and part a social media obsession that puts an over-emphasis on appearance and the importance of being "hot", which is worrying but can't be hampered at this stage, particularly without your parents being on board.

Big Bag of Chips

leggo wrote: »

She won’t feel less insecure and inclined to lash out because someone called her a bitch.

I don't see where she is insecure and "lashing out". Why do we have to attribute everything to "insecurities"? She seems very much in control of what she is saying and gets enjoyment out of hurting others. Maybe to make herself feel better? Obviously to make herself feel better, but not because she's insecure... But because she enjoys it. And why do we have to find an explainable reason for some people just not being nice people.

OP, I have worked with that age group as a volunteer in the cubs for over 4 years. I have seen that age group interacting with each other and working together in many different situations. I've seen them interact with each other, when they know people are watching and when they don't know they're being watched. In 4 years we only had trouble with 2 girls. 2 girls who were down right mean. They had no respect for anyone. They tutted their way through the 3 years and eventually moved into the older scout group (age 12-15). Where they didn't last very long before being told they were no longer welcome by the scout leaders.

I still see these girls sulking around the place, turning their noses up at anyone who doesn't meet their standards. They weren't troubled, or insecure, or lashing out. They were just bitches.

shesty

I actually think Bambi's advice is good.She just doesn't sound particularly nice, and she knows you're a weak target, relatively speaking.I'd ignore as much as possible but just laugh her off where you can otherwise

Airyfairy12

My older brother bullied me relentlessly and my parents did nothing, told me to ignore it etc. The bullying continued into my mid twenties when I finally decided enough was enough and the only way to stop it was to cut him out of my life. My parents blamed me for this too and felt I was overreacting. Needless to say hes a horrible adult with no social skills. Hes aggressive and insults people thinking he's being funny or trying to get what he wants. He doesn't see his behaviour as wrong, he genuinely thinks he's justified in how he behaves.
The difference between you and your sister is youre double her age. Youre an adult, shes a child so start acting like it. If she calls you names explain to her why thats wrong, tell her when she says nasty things and points out peoples flaws and insecurities its hurtful and also makes people not like spending time with her. Id also ask her why she is saying these things? I dont think shes a bad person, she may just be unable to express her feelings appropriately. When my brother bullied me and no one stepped in to help, I sort of started acting like him in a way because I thought that behaviour must be acceptable, I thought that must be just the way people treat each other, it was also a way for me to release the frustrations I was feeling onto other people. Could your sister be a victim of bullying in school or could her friends be subtly putting her or other people down? If your mother is ignoring her behaviour chances are shes ignoring allot more thats going on with her too.
Children dont generally have the emotional maturity to understand the effects of their behaviour on other people. They often dont have empathy in the same way older teenagers or adults do, this is why its important that adults take responsibility and correct negative behaviour. If your mother wont do her job then youre going to have to step in and have a serious talk with your sister and get to the bottom of this.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Irish_rat

Your sister is lacking discipline from your parents, it's becoming all too common.

Sam Quentin

zapper55 wrote: »

I do think you must have very low self esteem for comments from a child to affect you and for you not to stand up to her. I think you need to speak to your mother about it again. If she won't/doesn't deal with it you should consider moving out. I would suggest talking to someone about improving your confidence also, maybe a counsellor.

Why would you think she has low self esteem?
She certainly will have if these comments continue.. 12yr old or 40yr old as she said herself, she's a wicked wee sister and God love her she'll feel so guilty when she gets older..
I think if you actually break down and cry in front of her!? Well then she'll realise how much these comments hurt.
As a kid I use to call my sister terrible names, now we were similar ages(that's besides the point)it was only when I got older and thought about and actually realised how beautiful she was that I EVEN to this day felt/feel guilty about it....
All my friends were crazy about her.. But that just meant nothing to me at the time..
There's no explanation and your sister sounds(just like me at the time)so immature...

StupidLikeAFox

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Pick out something you know she's insecure about and comment on it when she starts. So she says something to you, you say something back. Is it mature no? But it's sibling rivalry. And we all lived through it.

This is ****ing awful advice. She is 12 years old. There is a fair chance she is acting out over something she is self-conscious about, but your solution is to highlight something she is insecure about? Do you think that if the OP starts pointing out all the flaws this young girl has that suddenly she will "see the light" and be shamed into being a good person?

OP, in my honest opinion you need to lead by example here. This girl is obviously being exposed to a shallow outlook on life and feels this is the norm. She needs to realise that life is not like it is portrayed on instagram and it is not fair to judge people based solely on their appearance. Easier said than done, but telling her what a bad person she is, at the age of 12, is not the right approach IMHO

Big Bag of Chips

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

There is a fair chance she is acting out over something she is self-conscious about,

And there's a fair chance she's just a bitch! They do exist you know. People who are nasty 'just because'. The girl claims she isn't 'acting out' to others such as school friends, it appears to be just her family. And usually family is where you learn if you give it you better be able to take it. The ages are irrelevant here really.

Sometimes the hug it out advice doesn't work. And I think in this instance it doesn't work and a bit of slagging back could be what's needed. And I firmly believe if a 12 year old is able to dish out insults then they should also be thought they could get them back. The 12 year old has no interest in seeing the error of her ways. Her parents have no interest in showing her. The OP has no chance of having her listen to her. Life isn't a soap opera where everyone sits around and talks about their feelings and the troubled child turns their life around and becomes the family sweetheart.

Or try the talk, pointing out to her how hurtful her comments are, and how hurt you are by them. And watch her grin at you satisfied that she's achieved her goal of hurting you.

Other approach could be to completely ignore her. Completely. As in pretend she doesn't exist.

leggo

BBOC normally your posts are dead on. But I can't help but feel you're projecting something else here that has nothing to do with the OP. Where are you getting this for example?

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The 12 year old has no interest in seeing the error of her ways. Her parents have no interest in showing her. The OP has no chance of having her listen to her.

I don't see how you could possibly know this from what we've been told. It sounds like you're ranting about someone different and then putting that onto the OP's sister because she reminds you of the person you're thinking of. And in the process you're giving her really poor advice like to call a child a bitch and to pick out something she's really insecure about and amplify that. Like I know you say you work with children and how 12-year olds aren't real children but, like, they absolutely are.

I've worked in anti-bullying workshops with children who've done this and child psychologists/carers fully trained to deal with this specific issue. The one thing you learn when you discuss this stuff in a judgement-free environment and get honest answer is that there's pretty much always a cause behind this behaviour. I mean of course there are psychopaths out there incapable of feeling, but that's pretty rare and there's no evidence of that here, 99.9% of cases come from people who are lashing out based on their own insecurity, or come from difficult homes, or have been victims of bullying themselves. It's a coping mechanism to regain power in their lives where they feel like it is somehow lost. They feel like victims and are usually lashing out at people who didn't cause their pain to begin with, as a measure of getting power back in their life, which is how they morally square their behaviour in their mind.

And the one thing experts will tell you is NOT to do what you're suggesting here. It's the one way to ensure the problem gets worse.

Lollipops23

Not sure how "acceptable" this advice will be, but I'd be inclined to go with "Oh and you're so perfect, have you looked in the mirror at all lately?" I know it's not mature, but I don't think self esteem is the issue here. She sounds like she's pretty happy with herself.

That, or hide her make up pallets. Let her lose it for a bit. (and give them back, of course).

stargazer 68

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I said to Her one day "you know clodagh you can't say them things to people they are not nice and you won't have a friend left coz they won't want a friend who hurts their feelings" and she said "I don't hurt their feelings, I just hurt yours" .

I would have said to that 'well that's a very sad way to live and I feel sorry for you' and left it there!

StupidLikeAFox

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And there's a fair chance she's just a bitch! They do exist you know. People who are nasty 'just because'. The girl claims she isn't 'acting out' to others such as school friends, it appears to be just her family. And usually family is where you learn if you give it you better be able to take it. The ages are irrelevant here really.

Sometimes the hug it out advice doesn't work. And I think in this instance it doesn't work and a bit of slagging back could be what's needed. And I firmly believe if a 12 year old is able to dish out insults then they should also be thought they could get them back. The 12 year old has no interest in seeing the error of her ways. Her parents have no interest in showing her. The OP has no chance of having her listen to her. Life isn't a soap opera where everyone sits around and talks about their feelings and the troubled child turns their life around and becomes the family sweetheart.

Or try the talk, pointing out to her how hurtful her comments are, and how hurt you are by them. And watch her grin at you satisfied that she's achieved her goal of hurting you.

Other approach could be to completely ignore her. Completely. As in pretend she doesn't exist.

Sorry BBOC but you are way wide of the mark here. It's outrageous that you would advocate that the OP would begin verbally abusing a 12 year old girl because "she is just a bitch". I'm not talking about "hugging it out" either - I'm saying the OP needs to realise there is an issue here and not get dragged into a petty slagging match. This girl does need to be disciplined and taught a lesson but OP needs to show some leadership

You say the ages are irrelevant, again I don't know why you would think this? One is a grown adult and the other was still in primary school last year.

It's fair to say that young girls are under a lot of pressure image wise - you have no idea what's going on in that young girls head but something is causing her to think and act the way she is. You are also giving her an easy target - the more the OP abuses this girls the more she will think that this is normal behaviour and she is way more likely to continue as she is.

Remember that she is not even a teenager. She needs to be shown guidance at this age. You say that life isnt a soap opera. Your whole idea of "putting her in her place" and everything working out fine is like something straight out of eastenders tbh, it's highly unlikely to have any sort of positive outcome