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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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7 Seconds...

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, as it way too expensive and really bad quality.

emeldc

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Now I know you live two doors up from me!

Capt'n Midnight

Just a reminder, the clocks go forward an hour this weekend.

Unless you voted for the DUP , in which case you'll need to wind it on another 300 years.

Capt'n Midnight

There's nothing funny about syphilis.

Unless your doctor has a lisp.

7 Seconds...

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence is said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

Liam28

Can I come too... wrote: »

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, as it way too expensive and really bad quality.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent them back a photo of €80.

New Home

Heard on TBBT:

That girl was so tall she could hunt ducks with a rake.

7 Seconds...

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

Capt'n Midnight

Liam28 wrote: »

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent them back a photo of €80.

I ran an item a few days ago about Steve Barkley of Pebble Beach getting a $45 ticket for speeding through the photo-radar “trap” in Campbell and sending the Campbell Police Dept. a photo of $45. Well, Campbell police chief James A. Cost was equal to the challenge. He mailed Barkley a photo of a set of handcuffs. Your move, Steve.

Capt'n Midnight

During labour, a nurse came up to my wife and I and said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?'

I was like, 'Thanks, but we've already picked a name.

kunst nugget

The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last year. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!

GBX

A lad just stopped me and asked if there was a B & Q in Dunshaughlin ?

I said I wasn’t sure but there was definitely two D’s in Dundalk....

[Deleted User]

A man sits in a bar just staring at his drink for about twenty minutes. A big guy comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The man starts to cry. The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing about and offers to replace his drink.

“That’s not the problem” said the man, “What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn’t go off, so I was late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn’t there – someone had nicked it. When I got home, I realized that I must have dropped my wallet on the bus – all my money – gone. I then go upstairs to find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she’s left me. And, just when I think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide!

patmac

My aunty has had the same washing machine since her son Callum died 27 years ago...

I guess washing machines do live longer with Cal gone.

byrner88

I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

What a bunch of ****.

CarrickMcJoe

What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?

The Spice Girls.....

lmimmfn

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?

The Spice Girls.....

Had to rethink that one.

byrner88

I've just bought some of that 007 Viagra.

It makes you roger more!

Ted_YNWA

With a licence to thrill

chewed

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

LOTTOWINNER

Paul is drinking in a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to use toilet.
"Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"
"Yes," explains Paul, "but I take salts."
"So what? That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"
Paul reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet.
After a few moments there is loud banging and Paul emerges, followed by a foul smell.
The barman races into the toilet where he sees **** all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.
"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.
"I told you," explained Paul with indifference.
"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right, "somersaults."

[Deleted User]

My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge, “My client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person for a crime committed by a sole limb.”

The Judge replied, “Okay – using that logic, the defendant’s arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb if he chooses.”

So, with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm, placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom!

Jack Kanoff

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge, “My client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person for a crime committed by a sole limb.”

The Judge replied, “Okay – using that logic, the defendant’s arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb if he chooses.”

So, with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm, placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom!

Judge "Ah-ah!...you used the other arm for thieving"!!

Ipso

byrner88 wrote: »

I've just bought some of that 007 Viagra.

It makes you roger more!

A shipment of it was hijacked last week. The guards are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Capt'n Midnight

Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

[Deleted User]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day
in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was
a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would
ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and
recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a
little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father,
it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged
to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

GBX

I've just failed my driving test. When the examiner asked me "What sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane"......?

Apparently ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ wasn’t the answer......!!!

Capt'n Midnight

Met Eireann have issued the following yellow snow warning for Easter.

"Don't eat yellow snow."

Capt'n Midnight

My son is 5 years old and he's the most important thing in my life.

Especially now when my kidneys are on the way out.

the_pen_turner

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are You going to get a lawyer?"