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Child Item

Children not invited.

Sinister Kid

Hi guys,

My best mate is getting married this summer, she is having a strict no-kids policy with the exception of her partners eldest nephew who will be 9 (& is a really well behaved kid)

She has made this very clear numerous times to a certain member of her partners family that kids are not invited but this person will not let it drop. Her partner has said it numerous times to him too. This family member has two young kids both under 5 & from what I can gather, they are a bit of a handful.

The hotel have updated her with a list of people that have booked their hotel room, on it she can see he has booked a room for two nights for two adults & two kids. She is very pissed off at this stage.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

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_Dara_

Bacchus wrote: »

I had this same query above but the OP since clarified that the invited child is the page boy and will be leaving after the meal. In that case it is a reasonable exception.

I think there being a handful of children who are close to the couple at the whole day isn’t unreasonable either. They’re exceptions. Couples just don’t want their weddings to be playgrounds. Surely people would understand? And staying until after the meal is more than half the day. What’s a few more hours and why would that then make it unacceptable?

scarepanda

Personally, i prefer a wedding with kids allowed as they are generally a lot more relaxed and less pretentious. However, their day, their rules.

I don't buy the excuse for having a strict no kids policy as allowing the parents the day off, they are adults, surely they can decide whether to bring the kids or not. We invited kids to our wedding and left it up the the parents to decide if they wanted to bring them or not. None of our friends decided to bring their kids, but family did (although some of them had a role in the ceremony itself). However I wouldn't bring my child into a wedding, as a guest, if she wasn't named on the invitation. As a breastfeeding mother we have brought our daughter to weddings since she arrived, but always with a baby sitter in tow to look after her. She has made a brief appearance at 2 weddings at the very end of the ceremony/drinks reception, because friends we hadn't seen in a while were there and wanted to see her.

I think the groom (because it's his side of the family) needs to find out what the plans are for the kids that day. Does the couple have to travel for the wedding? Is it possible that they have a sitter booked so that they can attend the wedding, and can also do something with the kids the following day?

GingerLily

scarepanda wrote: »

I think the groom (because it's his side of the family) needs to find out what the plans are for the kids that day. Does the couple have to travel for the wedding? Is it possible that they have a sitter booked so that they can attend the wedding, and can also do something with the kids the following day?

Agreed, the groom needs to intervene more on this one and insist no kids.

I know of a very similar situation where an aunt insisted she couldn't get a babysitter so they allowed the kids at the ceremony and booked a babysitter for afterwards. The mother never used the babysitter, the bride and groom payed for the babysitter, and the kids were up till 2am being forced to sing for the crowd by their pushy mother, it was VERY uncomfortable for guests.

okiss

I have been to a number of weddings over the years. I can understand why a couple want a child free wedding.

I have seen parents just go off drinking and chatting to people when bringing kids to weddings. The kids drink a lot of coke and then they are running or crawling under tables. Next thing they fall or have a accident. You also have the problem of staff bringing out hot food and trying to avoid the kids.
Also most kids don't want to be at a wedding.

I have friends and when their kids were small they would stay at home if they could not get a babysitter for the weddings they were invited to. For a lot of adults with small children a friends wedding can be a much needed child free brake.

In this brides case I would involve the mother of the groom or the man she is about to marry. My feeling is that the grooms mother might have some experience of the 2 under 5 years old that the mother insists on bringing. Let the grooms mother say that no children have been invited and ask her who is minding your children that day? Then just say to her I know you have all booked a room in the hotel the night of the wedding. I do hope your bring food for the children also as they wont be getting a meal at the wedding.

Better still get the groom to chat to this woman's husband and tell him that he wanted a child free wedding and ask him who is going to mind his children that day as he knows they are booked into the hotel the night of the wedding.
My feeling is that he may want to go the wedding child free but the wife could be insisting on bring her little darlings. Why can't someone in his or her family mind the kids that day/night?
Tell him that the kids will have no one to play with and the other guest are not bring their kids either so him and the wife will have to listen to them and deal with them for the day.

This woman needs to realise that the bride and groom want a child free wedding as do the rest of the guests. She either gets a baby sitter like everyone else or does not go.

baby and crumble

My 2c, we did pick and choose which kids to invite to our wedding, just like we did with the adults we chose to invite. We invited 3, 2 of which were kids of members of our bridal party, one who I am very close to and did a reading with his Mum for us. The other child of the bridal party no more wanted to come to our wedding than the man in the moon, so he stayed at home in Grannys house for the weekend and was delighted with himself. The third was a 10 year old of a couple that were travelling from England, was extremely mannerly and the family were making a bit of a holiday of it. He left to a babysitter we helped organise after dinner.

We wanted a very particular, quite 'adult' look and feel for our wedding, because it's what we wanted. We paid for everyone to be fed, watered and entertained on the day, and specifically said we didn't want presents (although we received many and they are much appreciated), nor for people to buy new outfits etc. the wedding started at 4.30, so it wasn't really child friendly. We had an idea that some of our friends who are on the burlesque and bellydance scene here would do some performances and we were right. So it wouldn't necessarily have been the most appropriate for kids, and we told the parents we had invited without kids that.

I don't see why some folks get so hot and bothered about it. I remember going to family weddings as a child and I was bored out of my tree. I appreciate not everyone can afford a full overnight babysitter or have a family member who can take a kid overnight, but that's why you get a wedding INVITATION. It's not a demand.

Zascar

I had a thread on this last year: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=102222223 - I said no kids at my wedding and several people were seriously pissed off. However I stood firm and I'm glad I did. One guy left his wife at home and came on his own and had a great time with the lads. The other family found people to look after the kids and had a long weekend away - and had a whale of a time letting their hair down on the day and then totally relaxing the next few days without having to run around after the kids. I'm very glad I made the decision and so are they.

Anyone trying to push their kids on a bride on a groom should go get fecked. It's the couple's day - not anyone else's.

miamee

If they don't want children there and are prepared to accept that some peopkle would rather stay home with their children than attend without them, then I don't see the issue. It's an invitation not a summons - if it doesn't suit someone to go, they can decline the invitation.

With regard to the OP, I think it's best left in the hands of the groom-to-be and his immediate family to sort out.

GingerLily

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

And what’s to say a child wouldn’t enjoy a wedding.if they run riot and cause havoc that’s the parents problem.ffs we were all children once.its only lately this sh1te started.each to their own and I stand by my opinion.

I wasn't invited to weddings as a child - that was 25 years ago - this isn't new.

woodchuck

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Personally I wouldn’t be putting terms and conditions on a wedding invite.

This isn't about terms and conditions. If the kids aren't named on the invite, the kids aren't actually invited. It's actually pretty straight forward! If I don't receive an invitation, I don't attend a wedding. Same for kids!

And while I do agree that attending weddings are a huge expense and getting a babysitter is an additional expense, the parent(s) can simply decline the wedding invitation. It's an invitation after all, not a summons.

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

if they run riot and cause havoc that’s the parents problem.

No, it becomes the bride and grooms problem if there are uninvited kids running around causing havoc. It's the parents responsibility to keep their kids under control, but evidently they don't see it as a problem if they do nothing about it.

_Dara_

Rule #1 of invitations: only the person(s) named on the invitation is invited. If the invite includes a +1, the invitee is permitted to bring ONE extra person. This is for any event and anyone who isn’t a gobdaw knows this.

Adulting 101.

The Specialist

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Personally I wouldn’t be putting terms and conditions on a wedding invite.it can be difficult for people to arrange the day off and organize themselves to get there so why would I be making it more difficult for them and putting extra costs on them with babysitters.

Nobody is forcing anyone to go to a wedding, you get an invite and that's it. If you can't get a babysitter or it would cost too much to attend, then you simply don't go.

I don't get why you think the bride/groom should give a **** about babysitter costs or expenses - nobody is holding a gun to your head and saying you have to go and if the circumstances don't permit, then you can't attend. It is not YOUR day, and no part of the planning of a wedding revolves around what the guests want or don't want. The wedding is the bride/grooms day and they are fully entitled to have it however they want.

_Dara_

GingerLily wrote: »

I wasn't invited to weddings as a child - that was 25 years ago - this isn't new.

Yeah, I went to my first wedding at the age of 25. Children were never invited to family weddings on either side of my family.

Ghekko

Personally I cannot abide kids at a wedding. We didn't invite kids to ours. It wasn't for the sake of parents having a night off without them - it was simply because we didn't want any there. A relative of Dh asked could they bring their 2 small children and we said no. They then arrived for the evening part (having been invited to the whole day) with their kids! I don't know why they bothered as they sat with the kids on knees for the evening, and would have only got the afters cocktail sausages for their efforts after travelling over 2 hours. I wouldn't want to bring small kids to a wedding myself. We've been invited to plenty of weddings since having kids and never once expected them or wanted them to be asked. If we didn't have someone to mind them we didn't go - simple as that.

Op I think something needs to be said to this self absorbed couple regarding the hotel booking - simply asking if they have a hotel babysitter organised, or a relative coming to the hotel on the day will let the bride and groom know what their intentions are. If they say no then they need to be told yet again that children are not welcome at their wedding.

PeterParker957

_Dara_ wrote: »

Yeah, I went to my first wedding at the age of 25. Children were never invited to family weddings on either side of my family.

I only went at 11 to my cousin's cos I was bridesmaid.

1981. Oh the green and yellow ruffled HORROR!!!!!!

SortingYouOut

At the end of the day, after the meal, most weddings tend to see a lot of drinking and the craic that comes with it. A pub/club night atmosphere almost.

I think its completely reasonable not to want children in the midst of this and inviting them to a partial day just complicates things.

Doctors room ghost, why can't you accept that this is a big day for two people and they have every right to plan it their way. You had your say at your wedding, which you were entitled to.

You have to remember that not everyone is the same and by looking at this thread, it's clear that you're falling into the minority bracket on this. This is a good indication that you could be wrong in what you're saying and in your approach when saying it.

PeterParker957

SortingYouOut wrote: »

At the end of the day, after the meal, most weddings tend to see a lot of drinking and the craic that comes with it. A pub/club night atmosphere almost.

I think its completely reasonable not to want children in the midst of this and inviting them to a partial day just complicates things.

Doctors room ghost, why can't you accept that this is a big day for two people and they have every right to plan it their way. You had your say at your wedding, which you were entitled to.

You have to remember that not everyone is the same and by looking at this thread, it's clear that you're falling into the minority bracket on this. This is a good indication that you could be wrong in what you're saying and in your approach when saying it.

Now you stop with your common sense now!!!!

lazygal

We had no children at ours. Have two children now and still don't think weddings are for children. If we can't go, we can't go. We don't bring our children with us.

Toots

Mod note:

This appears to be heading into sh*t-show territory. I'm temporarily locking it while I do a clean up.

Toots

Mod Note:

Right, I've gone through the thread and had to delete about half the posts. Cards have also been handed out.

I'd remind all posters to read and abide by the forum charter, particularly this bit:

Keep It Civil
It's nice to be nice, in fact, we insist on it. Getting married and wedding planning can be a very stressful time. Let's keep tempers in check and keep the tone supportive and friendly. Do not Troll, Flame or attack other posters. Same goes for soapboxing. Everyone has differing opinions on what they like and don't like (especially when it comes to gifts) and that's great, but posting in a confrontational, argumentative way is not on, and will earn a warning/infraction, or even a ban.

Seriously, Keep it Civil
It's a sad state of affairs that this actually has to be repeated. There have been increasing incidences of some posters being downright abusive towards other posters, vilifying them over their choices/opinions/plans for their wedding day. There are plenty of ways to express your opinion without being a dick about it. Think carefully before you post; if you were on the receiving end of what you had written, how would that make you feel? Usually we only issue cards/bans as a last resort, but going forward there will be zero tolerance for muppetry/general cattiness. Repeat offenders will get a 2 week ban, and risk a permaban if their behaviour continues when they return.

Keep replies constructive and helpful to the OP, or suffer my wrath

Thread reopened.

Big Bag of Chips

GingerLily wrote: »

I wasn't invited to weddings as a child - that was 25 years ago - this isn't new.

First wedding I was ever at was when I was 21 and a bridesmaid. This thing of inviting children to weddings seems to be the new thing, not the other way around!

Would people insist on their young children being invited to a 21st? I wouldn't be too keen on bringing my children into a party in a pub at 9/10pm. Don't see why a party in a hotel should be viewed any differently.

LirW

I actually am in a position where I'm softening on the no-children thing. Firstly I have 2 myself and of course want them to be part, but the venue doesn't allow them after 9 pm, which is grand with me.
But my sister, she's my witness since we're very close and I want her there, lives abroad and is a single mother of a 6 month old, who'll be 1,5 by the time. The family I have, which is 6 people, are all travelling over, so she is in the position of taking the kid with her. So she can bring him until 9pm or earlier and what she chooses to do then is up to her.
But that's between us and it's not the case of that couple in the OP.

Tom Mann Centuria

I love no kids wedding invites, gives me the perfect excuse to say thanks but no thanks. Win win. Bride and Groom get what they want, and I get to stay at home with my family.

Toots

I don't mind either way. I had about 20 or so kids at my wedding. All very well behaved and all had a great time. That being said, it depends on the crowd who'll be there. Nobody was mouldy drunk or falling around the place, so the kids were bein minded properly and didn't witness anything they shouldn't. I've kids of my own now and wouldn't be at all offended if we were invited to a no-kids wedding. People need to respect the couple's wishes. If they can't/don't want to leave the kids, then just politely decline the invitation.

OP I think if it's the groom's relative then he needs to put his foot down about no kids. Even if they're staying at the hotel with the babysitter, I wouldn't be surprised if they somehow materialised at the reception anyway.

Sinister Kid

Toots wrote: »

I don't mind either way. I had about 20 or so kids at my wedding. All very well behaved and all had a great time. That being said, it depends on the crowd who'll be there. Nobody was mouldy drunk or falling around the place, so the kids were bein minded properly and didn't witness anything they shouldn't. I've kids of my own now and wouldn't be at all offended if we were invited to a no-kids wedding. People need to respect the couple's wishes. If they can't/don't want to leave the kids, then just politely decline the invitation.

OP I think if it's the groom's relative then he needs to put his foot down about no kids. Even if they're staying at the hotel with the babysitter, I wouldn't be surprised if they somehow materialised at the reception anyway.

That's the thing, I don't think it would be as much of an issue if they had a sitter & would stay in the room, but knowing the parents, this wont happen.
Even the ceremony part, she is worried that the kids will scream & shout their way through it & they will be left do so...

Ghekko

Sinister Kid wrote: »

Even the ceremony part, she is worried that the kids will scream & shout their way through it & they will be left do so...

Well I know if that happened to me I'd have no issue stopping the ceremony and politely asking them to step outside with their non invited kids. The bridal couple need to be firm now and ensure that these kids do not show their faces at any part of their wedding. Have it known within the family that they are not invited so that if they do have the barefaced cheek to bring them, others might pull them up on it.

Hitman3000

Is it really so difficult to respect the wishes of a perspective Bride and Groom?

Meauldsegosha

OP your friend can’t say she has strict no kids policy and then invite one child. This was always going to cause problems. At this stage the groom should talk to his relative to see what their intentions are.

My BiL to be asked us not to invite his kids to the wedding because he and his wife are looking forward to a day away from them.

khaldrogo

Doctors room ghost wrote:

........what would you do if you were a single mother with a child and nobody available to mind them?

Not go to the wedding. Its very, very simple.

Bacchus

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP your friend can’t say she has strict no kids policy and then invite one child. This was always going to cause problems. At this stage the groom should talk to his relative to see what their intentions are.

My BiL to be asked us not to invite his kids to the wedding because he and his wife are looking forward to a day away from them.

She says the invited child is the page boy and will be leaving after meal. It is a reasonable exception to the rule and isn't the same as having guests children in the aisles, and at reception/meal/party. I agree that one needs to be clear cut with the rules - either allow it and set boundaries such as only neices/nephews... that's what we did, or have no kids. I think in this case the B&G's single exception is fine though.

Meauldsegosha

Bacchus wrote: »

She says the invited child is the page boy and will be leaving after meal. It is a reasonable exception to the rule and isn't the same as having guests children in the aisles, and at reception/meal/party. I agree that one needs to be clear cut with the rules - either allow it and set boundaries such as only neices/nephews... that's what we did, or have no kids. I think in this case the B&G's single exception is fine though.

I see that in a subsequent post. It would have be helpful in the first post as it does change things.