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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two blondes walked in to a shop wouln'd you think one of them would have seen it.

Two guards were on patrol one night they came accross two young fellows one was drinking acid from a battery and the other had fireworks. They charged one and let off the other one.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife says her mood swings are caused by hormonal changes. I think she’s just ovary acting

Capt'n Midnight

I spent my whole life being proud of my Irish heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

Capt'n Midnight

After taking my time and giving it due consideration, I've decided I'll give dry January a go.

MonkieSocks

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Q:-Where does mercury come from?

A:- Hg Wells!

Capt'n Midnight

I bought one of those cars with a voice activation system to start the engine.

It's absolutely pants as it can't understand a word I'm saying after 7 pints.

Capt'n Midnight

Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.

Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a bleedin' joke do you?

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the old lady fall down the well??..

..because She didn't see that well. :pac:

MonkieSocks

A newly ordained priest is walking through a rough part of town in his new parish and meets a young girl leaning against a wall.

"Howya Father, fancy a quickie, only ten Bleedin Euro?"

"No, thank you" says the slightly confused young priest.

A few yards further on, another comely young lady leaning on a lamppost.

"Ah Hello Father, fancy a quickie, only ten Bleedin Euro?"

"No, thank you" says he.

He ends up back at the pastoral house, where the local Mother Superior is paying a visit.

"Mother Superior, what's a quickie" says he, puzzled.

She said, "Ten Bleedin Euro, same as in town".

Capt'n Midnight

¡uᴉɐƃɐ ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ƃuᴉʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ’I

New Home

Was the seller Australian, Capt'n?

byrner88

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

Capt'n Midnight

Which member of the Spice Girls can drink petrol?

Geri can.

Capt'n Midnight

Don’t run with Bagpipes.

You could poke an Aye out.

Or worse, get Kilt.

Capt'n Midnight

I said to the baker "All your cakes are €1, why is that one €3.50 ?"

He said "That's Madeira cake".

patmac

Tony goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello".
He´s rather taken aback as he can't place where he know's her from.
So he say's"do you know me".
To which she replies" i think your the father of one of my kid's,your Tony right".
Now his mind travel's back to the only time he has ever been lucky and says,
"Are you the stripper from the stag party i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery".
She look's in his eye's and calmly says,"No i'm your son's teacher"

byrner88

A husband & wife are lying in bed, when the husband rolls over and says to the wife:

"Be honest, What would you really like to do with my body?"

The wife replies: "Identify it"

donegal_man

My sister is marrying a Chinese Internet billionaire.

Cha Ching

quickbeam

patmac wrote: »

Tony goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello".
He´s rather taken aback as he can't place where he know's her from.
So he say's"do you know me".
To which she replies" i think your the father of one of my kid's,your Tony right".
Now his mind travel's back to the only time he has ever been lucky and says,
"Are you the stripper from the stag party i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery".
She look's in his eye's and calmly says,"No i'm your son's teacher"

But if he only got lucky that one time, then how does he have a son, in school or otherwise? Huh?

TheChevron

quickbeam wrote: »

But if he only got lucky that one time, then how does he have a son, in school or otherwise? Huh?

PandaPoo

My wife was trying to turn me on last night. She was lying on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny and licking it.

Careful love, I said. You'll need that in the morning to help the kids cross the road.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An elderly woman was standing in front of me waiting to use the ATM she turned around and asked me if I would check her balance for her so I pushed her.

patmac

I went to a sperm bank to make a donation, the nurse said 'would you like to masterbate in a cup' I said 'I wasn't ready for a competition yet'.

bobdcow

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack!

donegal_man

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Civic. But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

LOTTOWINNER

A guy walks into a pet shop and says to the owner that he wants to buy a wasp, the owner replies that he doesn't sell wasps, and the guy replies "you've got one in your window!"

coolhull

It was 1962 . Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!

[Deleted User]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mammy! Mammy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good dear.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mammy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good dear.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mammy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mammy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mammy?

And the mother responds, “No Dear, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

byrner88

Wooohooo!!! Just found €12.86 and a hat outside the train station. I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.

byrner88

A man is walking home with his nine year old son, when the boy asks "Dad, what are those little boxes on the back of all those satellite dishes?

His father replies "Council houses son."