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Severely insecure boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all bit of background im 31 and my boyfriend is 39 we are together over a year and a half and expecting a baby in a few months.
We are very similar people so we get on so well and we have the same outlook on life, i understand him clearly and i find it easy to love, he finds it hard to trust people due to a number of events in his life such as a divorce when he was younger which had a huge impact on him and his sister.
He has a failed marriage which he has a daughter with, believe me if anyone walked away from that relationship unscathed i would be quite surprised. The stories he has told me are so upsetting that I hope noone would go through what he did with her. Cheating, stealing from his family, taking his money, lying.

It took him a lot of time to trust me and feel secure and most of the time its amazing and i feel like i'm the most luckiest person in the world he makes me feel alive and we love each other so much.. ,but, its his insecurity that pops its ugly head which is becomming to be more and more tiresome every day.

Im beginning to wonder if he is truly happy with me. Surely if your happy you wouldnt be thinking your girlfriend does or doesnt love you, its the constant questions every day like why are you with me? Are you happy? Why do you love me? Did you miss me today? If i dont answer the way or quick enough he starts thinking all sorts!or i said this or that so that means i mustnt want him and it leads to a heavy discussion on what do i want and if he should leave but he'll always see the light and hes sorry for putting me through that and it wont happen again but it does.Or if the thing i said about an ex a month ago means that i somehow feel the same about him because hes put 2+2 together and got 5. Or he will randomly come out with i dont think your attracted to me anymore. I have told him im starting to feel like im walking on eggshells and cant relax.
He tells me he loves me more than hes loved anyone and all he ever does is for me.

Ive asked to perhaps think maybe councelling would be benefi cial for him and he is in the process of being allocated councelling i just feel time is running out for us and if this keeps progressing ill ask him to leave, it doesnt matter how much i reassure him or tell him i love him nothing changes

What do i say or do to stop this

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Dial Hard

Cantstopthetrain wrote: »

What do i say or do to stop this

There's nothing you can say or do to stop this, it has to come from him. You can issue an ultimatum - that he goes to counselling for as long as it takes to make a meaningful difference or you leave - but you need to a) be willing to go through with if he reneges, and b) be aware that even counselling may not be able to "cure" this. Insecurity at this level is often so deep-rooted that it's virtually impossible for the person to change.

I'd take all the stories about the crazy ex-wife with a whopper pinch of salt too, btw. Funny how it's all her fault that they broke up and it turned him into a wreck of a man, yet here he is, looking at the potential end of another relationship. Colour me skeptical.

woodchuck

There's a very fine line between insecurity and manipulation. They often go hand in hand.

Make it clear that you're not happy. It'll be very difficult to do as it's basically validating his insecurities and he'll probably turn into an emotional mess or else completely shut down (could be genuine or could be an act). He might start making statements such as "you don't love me" etc, but try to keep to the topic at hand. You have a genuine concern and if he tries to make it all about him being reassured/comforted, then I would be thinking he's more manipulative than insecure.

You're right to be concerned as this type of insecurity/manipulation is toxic to a relationship. Make it clear that things need to change. It's completely unfair that he's constantly looking for validation from you and that you're facing unfair accusations (e.g. about your ex). This needs to be sorted before it kills the relationship.

LegacyUser

I think im starting to open my eyes a little bit and starting to see the real him. I think he starting to know that i am aswel.

I did present him with a very firm ultimatum that if this happens again he wont have time to pack his bags as they will be packed by me. He didnt have time to add or try to persuade me otherwise. But he thought about it and said but did you say that because you know its going to happen again and want me gone? I lost the plot.

Im between a rock and hard place but i know its going to happen again im just not convinced and my trust is being questioned

December2012

He needs to deal with his insecurities and manipulation techniques now. Can you go for private counselling? Maybe if you went for relationship counselling together he would be forced to go (not that there is anything to indicate you are doing anything wrong).

Is he cutting you off From other people?

Big Bag of Chips

If you issue that ultimatum, then difficult as if will be you need to follow through on it. Otherwise this will go on and on. It doesn't have to signal the end of the relationship, but if this relationship is going to work he is going to have to make a very real effort at changing how he carries on. You've been the one doing all the work by appeasing him and reassuring him. And yes, of course sometime a person needs that. But it cannot be 24/7. That would drain anyone.

If you've threatened him that he will have to go, then he will have to go. But he goes knowing that it doesn't have to be the end. That the option is there for him to come back but not without significant change. So if the relationship ends it will be down to his behaviour, not because of you.

That sort of behaviour is wearing. And with a small baby there's only so much "minding" an adult you can do. You need a partner, an equal, someone you can share life with. Not someone you have to constantly bring along and coax and reassure. The difficulty with someone like that is the drive people away, and then they can be satisfied in believing they were right all along. I'd also take with a pinch of salt his version of his previous relationship. If you and him split up, and he starts another relationship what version do you think he will tell of you?

QueenRizla

OP, I think you may be overlooking how big a feature this has been in your relationship from the start.

How long was he split up from his last relationship when ye got together? You say ‘it took him a long time to trust me and feel secure’, since he doesn’t do either, I wonder what you mean and what that involved from you in the early days? Who’s idea was the child?
I ask these questions because it might help evaluate how strong the foundations are.
Is it possible he was rebounding? You seem to have been bending over backwards to ‘prove’ yourself to him from the start.
To be honest he doesn’t sound capable of a healthy functional relationship, and has you dancing a merry tune, trying to make it work. Maybe look at yourself, is there some kind of attraction to fixing\saving this broken man. Ask yourself why a needy, insecure mess is attractive to you. If you examine your own motivations honestly it might distract you from appeasing him. I agree with the others about the ex, firstly why would you want to listen to someone whining and bitching about their ex? God I would find it such a turnoff and see him as someone with low standards and boundaries and more importantly not over his ex! Secondly, both of ye need to stop talking to each other about exes, just look at how he is throwing it back in your face and manipulating you.