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Honest advice

Anna2834

I need some honest advice on an issue.

So lets say that you have been dating someone for a few years, during that time this person wins money, they don't say a word to you for about a year and a few months and by mistake (Freudian slip) it comes out...should the other person just walk away on hearing the so called Freudian slip?

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minikin

Anna2834 wrote: »

Absolutely nothing at all to do with that. I have a good job I assure you and never wanted anyone's money....:(

Well if money is irrelevant, why are you bothered about him not trusting you in relation to something irrelevant?

I don't trust my other half not to overload the washing machine... that lack of trust is not a relationship ending issue.
Why would your irrelevant issue be worth canal-sacking* the relationship?

*letter 'c' must be included in all future quoted text

Anna2834

mariaalice wrote: »

The op sound like they want to convince themselves that its alright.

If you seeing someone for years its a relationship not dating.

At the very least its secretive and a bit odd why would someone not want to share good news with someone they love.

Walking away sounds dramatic why not talk about it.

The only thing that would make a slight difference is was the money won before the relationship started or while in the relationship.

The op also sound like she has concerns about the person but is pushing them away because they want to stay with the person, Its possible for people to convince themselves of anything make excuses for anything because they want to stay in the relationship its not all that uncommon.

It was won about 18 months into the relationship or whatever that was. I am not convincing myself of anything, i have walked away. I just wanted to hear other people's opinion - was I a bit too dramatic? I just don't trust the person anymore.

Anna2834

minikin wrote: »

Well if money is irrelevant, why are you bothered about him not trusting you in relation to something irrelevant?

I don't trust my other half not to overload the washing machine... that lack of trust is not a relationship ending issue. Why would you irrelevant issue be worth canal*-sacking the relationship?

*letter 'c' must be included in all future quoted text

I understand what you are saying...I was just surprised I wasn't told...I was hurt, very hurt. I wasn't expecting half of it, I wasn't expecting anything, but it would have been nice to be able to trust me and tell me...I guess it shows I meant absolutely nothing and seen me as something casual.

[Deleted User]

Ok, so it's a sizeable amount of money.

You were in a relationship for over a year at that stage? Were ye/are ye living together? AND did you see this as a possible long-term/marriage scenario? Did he?
I think if it was me, I'd be worried that he wanted to keep it to himself, as he didn't see the relationship as serious - at the time anyway..... Did he really let it slip, or was it his way of letting you know?

ZV Yoda

Rory28 wrote: »

Ballpark it. We talking hob nobs money or generic custard cream money?

@Rory28... that's possibly the funniest post I've ever seen on Boards.

Now, does anybody know how to remove snot drenched coffee from a laptop screen?

[Deleted User]

Anna2834 wrote: »

It was won about 18 months into the relationship or whatever that was. I am not convincing myself of anything, i have walked away. I just wanted to hear other people's opinion - was I a bit too dramatic? I just don't trust the person anymore.

Was there any indication that they were mean with money or secretive before you found out because it does sound like an odd thing to do for the average person, that does not have any issues around money or issues with money equalling security.

Anna2834

Deleted User wrote: »

Ok, so it's a sizeable amount of money.

You were in a relationship for over a year at that stage? Were ye/are ye living together? AND did you see this as a possible long-term/marriage scenario? Did he?
I think if it was me, I'd be worried that he wanted to keep it to himself, as he didn't see the relationship as serious - at the time anyway..... Did he really let it slip, or was it his way of letting you know?

Freudian slip indeed....he can still keep it for himself....I dont need anything, not even a pen.

For me its the trust. Trust trust and trust again.

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

Ok, so it's a sizeable amount of money.

You still have his number OP?
No doubt he's feeling down about the breakup, and I'd be available if he needs a friend to talk to / shoulder to cry on / mouth to feed with expensive food and beers...

givyjoe

Anna2834 wrote: »

It was won about 18 months into the relationship or whatever that was. I am not convincing myself of anything, i have walked away. I just wanted to hear other people's opinion - was I a bit too dramatic? I just don't trust the person anymore.

This literally makes no sense. What reason do you have not to trust him? I thought it was the other way around, i.e. you have a problem with him not trusting you?

Ultimately all that matters is if you feel you have made the right choice. Having said that, i personally definitely feel you have been unreasonable. Unless you had shared finances, I dont see how you can reasonably be pissed off.

Not telling you about an ex he was texting, or something along those lines is a reason not to trust him. Him not telling you about a windfall, not so much.

I may have missed it, but what did he say as the reason he hadn't told you?

minikin

Anna2834 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying...I was just surprised I wasn't told...I was hurt, very hurt. I wasn't expecting half of it, I wasn't expecting anything, but it would have been nice to be able to trust me and tell me...I guess it shows I meant absolutely nothing and seen me as something casual.

Ah, it's a pity you've ended it over this - I would say that your 'guess of what his actions showed' does seem extremely black and white... ascribing an intention to his motives and then getting upset about what you've ascribed is a bit unfair.

It's like people getting angry that their other half hasn't emptied the dishwasher, and thinking that it's a sign that their other half doesn't care about them... they are no longer upset about some dishes - they are now upset at their own self-inflicted feelings.

Anna2834

Thanks everyone for all the help and discussing this a bit more, everyone has a point and I am happy that I have listened and read more opinions than just mine.

[Deleted User]

givyjoe wrote: »

This literally makes no sense. What reason do you have not to trust him? I thought it was the other way around, i.e. you have a problem with him not trusting you?

I may have missed it, but what did he say as the reason he hadn't told you?

I agree - to walk away without at least asking why he didn't tell you seems a bit unreasonable.

SAMTALK

minikin wrote: »

If the sum he won was €5 would you still be as concerned that he didn't tell you?

I wonder if deep down your problem is not about TRUST but about the fact that he apparently didn't want to SHARE a decent amount of shrapnel with you?
I would see that as a more reasonable problem to have with him...

Think you're being a bit unfair on the OP.

She has stated from the start that it's not about the money but about trusting her enough to share this with her.

[Deleted User]

Anna2834 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all the help and discussing this a bit more, everyone has a point and I am happy that I have listened and read more opinions than just mine.

So did you ask why they did it.

minikin

SAMTALK wrote: »

Think you're being a bit unfair on the OP.

She has stated from the start that it's not about the money but about trusting her enough to share this with her.

You may be right, you may be wrong.
The op asked for honest advice, I just tried teasing out the matter to a logical conclusion in order to give honest advice.

The question still stands though... if it was only €5 would they have got so upset?
If the answer is no, then money was a factor.

GypsyByName

Anna2834 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying...I was just surprised I wasn't told...I was hurt, very hurt. I wasn't expecting half of it, I wasn't expecting anything, but it would have been nice to be able to trust me and tell me...I guess it shows I meant absolutely nothing and seen me as something casual.

For what is worth I think you made the right decision. You thought about it and acted accordingly. Believe me there are women who would have hung around until the money was gone and then went!

givyjoe

There's always two sides to a story here and lets just think about BF's POV here for a second.

He tells friends and family of the breakup, they ask why. Ah well I won a fair big sum, didnt tell her about for a few months, then did and she split up with me. "Right so, bullet dodged there mate" would be an understandable reaction to the news.

oceanman

The question I would be asking myself is what other secrets was this person holding back? ....if you don't have trust you don't have anything.

I would say it depends on what stage the relationship is at. If you were living together, had shared finances etc then he should have told you. Otherwise, it is his business and telling you may have changed the relationship.

SAMTALK

minikin wrote: »

You may be right, you may be wrong.
The op asked for honest advice, I just tried teasing out the matter to a logical conclusion in order to give honest advice.

The question still stands though... if it was only €5 would they have got so upset?
If the answer is no, then money was a factor.

Ah come on ! €5.
Sure that's like saying my partner was talking to someone of the opposite sex so I left him (as opposed to my partner was sleeping with some one of the opposite sex)

As i said before if they has said they had a big win and left it at that it would have been better all round. Didn't have to share it or spend it on partner. Put it away in his own name if he so wished but I find it strange that he didnt say anything.

Beta Ray Bill

SAMTALK wrote: »

TBH this is the thing I wouldn't understand. Why wouldnt your partner tell you.

They don't have to let you have access to the money if they so wish but I would think it very strange not to say anything

Maybe he didn't want anyone to know, not just his partner, which is understandable.

Examples:
1) Ex-Wife might get wind of it and come looking, there is no real divorce in Ireland. Any financial gains made post divorce can still be claimed by your Ex

2) Needy/Deadbeat kids/family member, I know people that have "kids" (people in their 20's) that just think of their parents as ATM machines.

3) Naggy Partners. As I've already said on this thread if I'd ever won money and my Ex knew about it. She'd nag and nag and nag at me until it was all gone.
I made this mistake once, I told her I got €1,000 bonus from work. We'd just moved into an apartment together. That weekend she came home with two sets 5000 count (what ever the fu*k that means) Egyptian cotton bed sheets. handed me the bill. €480!
I never told her how much money I had ever again

minikin

SAMTALK wrote: »

Ah come on ! €5.
Sure that's like saying my partner was talking to someone of the opposite sex so I left him (as opposed to my partner was sleeping with some one of the opposite sex)

You're equating physically cheating on someone with not informing them about a financial windfall???

chrissb8

I wouldn't tell anyone for ages if I won that kinda money. You'd have people in your ear what to do with and constantly asking. Then the expected hand outs if the money was a stupidly large amount.

Money can muddy the waters of relationships with greed and irrational. I think I'd figure out what I want to do with it first or simply just have it stowed away for something I really need like a house. Really though see where she's coming from first OP and listen.

Anna2834

SAMTALK wrote: »

Ah come on ! €5.
Sure that's like saying my partner was talking to someone of the opposite sex so I left him (as opposed to my partner was sleeping with some one of the opposite sex)

As i said before if they has said they had a big win and left it at that it would have been better all round. Didn't have to share it or spend it on partner. Put it away in his own name if he so wished but I find it strange that he didnt say anything.

- so did I.

Have I overreacted a bit??? maybe I have! I was just very hurt.

Thanks everyone for your honest advice, it was greatly appreciated. Made me see things from a different prospective...

SAMTALK

minikin wrote: »

You're equating physically cheating on someone with not informing them about a financial windfall???

I'm talking about trust, at all levels.

If I was in a relationship and my partner had a significant wind fall and said nothing about it I would think he didnt trust me enough to tell me or thought I'd want to get my hands on it for myself.

[Deleted User]

Anna2834 wrote: »

It was won about 18 months into the relationship or whatever that was. I am not convincing myself of anything, i have walked away. I just wanted to hear other people's opinion - was I a bit too dramatic? I just don't trust the person anymore.

And at what amount does it become a 'trust' issue?
Would you walk away if he didn't tell you he won 500euro on the lotto, or 2000 Euro on the horses?
What number is the trust lost at?

minikin

SAMTALK wrote: »

I'm talking about trust, at all levels.

If I was in a relationship and my partner had a significant wind fall and said nothing about it I would think he didnt trust me enough to tell me or thought I'd want to get my hands on it for myself.

Key point bolded above.
You would be getting upset about your own interpretation of the matter.

SAMTALK

minikin wrote: »

Key point bolded above.

Beta Ray Bill

SAMTALK wrote: »

Ah come on ! €5.
Sure that's like saying my partner was talking to someone of the opposite sex so I left him (as opposed to my partner was sleeping with some one of the opposite sex)

That's called Mirco Cheating It's actually a thing now.

micro-cheating is when your partner is emotionally or physically focused on someone else – without actually cheating. - IE having mates/friends.

#MircoCheating #Mirco-Cheating

minikin

SAMTALK wrote: »

?

I'm not sure how to interpret '?'
Can you clarify?
Are you puzzled by the meaning or is the text I bolded not showing as bold?