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Pleading your case AFTER a breakup?

LegacyUser

I've just had a 4 year relationship end very abruptly. I'm shell-shocked at the moment, replaying everything over and over in my head, and to my shame, only now seeing where I came up short. It's not like she didn't let me know about these issues either, she has done for the past couple of months, but it just didn't register as it should have.

I know it's the golden rule to just accept it and move on once you've been dumped, but after a 4 year relationship, it's just so hard to do. I know my ex is stubborn as hell and when she makes up her mind on something, she will mostly stick with it.

I don't want to be that pathetic ex who sends unwelcome emails. Additionally, I always told her if she ever breaks up with me that I'll never bother her afterwards (as a previous ex of hers had done). Am I entitled to make one final plea given that we put 4 years into this thing? Or am I making a huge mistake in doing so?

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Wibbs

Big mistake in my humble. I wouldn't plead your case. If you do have some post breakup "tidying up" to do(dunno if you lived together) and meet, then do the opposite of what you feel you should do and be pleasant and wish her well. And then try to move on in your own life. Not easy at all, but the best way to do it. If and I say if there are any feelings left on her part that approach is far better than the pleading. It might be a sudden break for you, but she will almost certainly have mentally broken up with you months ago(as you noted). In essence she's already left. Let her go.

baby and crumble

If you want to do anything, OP, i'd say send her a genuinely apology, let her know that you'd like to work on your issues (whatever they were) and have a chance to prove to her you understand how you erred.

And then leave it. Don't keep badgering her. She might never even read what you've sent her but then you just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Best of luck with it.

Wibbs

baby and crumble wrote: »

If you want to do anything, OP, i'd say send her a genuinely apology, let her know that you'd like to work on your issues (whatever they were) and have a chance to prove to her you understand how you erred.

I'll lay a large bet it'll do no good at all. Not with her anyway. Like I say she's already left. PLus I'd also bet she raised these issues and the OP likely said he'd change. And he didn't. An email like that will just come across as more of the same to her and back up her reasons for leaving. On the other hand acknowledging he was in the wrong, that its a pity it's over, but wishing her well for the future is at least honest and not trying to sway her.

Don't keep badgering her. She might never even read what you've sent her but then you just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Best of luck with it.

I agree with this 100%.

baby and crumble

Wibbs wrote: »

I'll lay a large bet it'll do no good at all. Not with her anyway. Like I say she's already left. PLus I'd also bet she raised these issues and the OP likely said he'd change. And he didn't. An email like that will just come across as more of the same to her and back up her reasons for leaving. On the other hand acknowledging he was in the wrong, that its a pity it's over, but wishing her well for the future is at least honest and not trying to sway her.

Nothing wrong with apologising for f*cking up though. That's what I meant, not saying "I'm sorry, please forgive me, take me back" just "I'm sorry for how I acted. I realise now it was wrong and I'm going to work on that. I'd like a chance to show you that I'm serious, because I do love you, but I understand completely if you don't want to see or hear from me again. All the best".

Conor Bourke

I have to say that if I had been with someone and made it known on a number of occasions that there was something I wasn’t happy about and it wasn’t listened to or acknowledged at the time, but the person was full of apologies after we broke up, I would be very dubious and regard it as too little too late.

It reads like you took it for granted that she’d always be there and it wasn’t important enough for you to attend to your issues but now that she’s gone you see she wasn’t making idle threats?

Aspadeaspade

I agree with a previous poster OP. I would apologise and wish her well and do everything possible to NOT contact her again. Breakups are hard but you will move on in time. Learn what you can from the relationship and close this chapter. Good luck OP.

MartyMcFly84

I went through a pretty horrible break up a couple of years ago. We had been living together for 7 years and lived together for a few weeks after the break up. I was so desperate for us to stay together at the time part of me thought it might work out.

We met up regularly enough for a few months after, and I found it really hard to keep things together. As time went on we met up less and less. I sometimes meet her every 6 months or so for a catch up or a bite to eat. She is getting married now in Feb.

Meeting her definitely didn't change her mind and on occasions was heart breaking for both of us, but we didnt know too many other people in Dublin having moved there together.. But I thought at the time I saw some uncertainty in her decision. It's hard to hear but when things build up to a break up its very difficult to plead your case after the fact. why would you change now when didn't before etc..

I was the same and missed some pretty big signs that she was not entirely happy.

What I found helped was a "prove them wrong" attitude and did my best to correct those thing I should have fixed in the relationship, even at this point it is for me or to benefit my current relationship.

Neyite

You'd have better odds if you went back to her with proof that you've taken on board what had been bothering her and have changed so those things are no longer an issue.

But it's possible that like Wibbs said, she's gone past the stage of wanting to change things in her relationship and had moved on emotionally long before you got kicked to the kerb.

I know lots of people who got back together after a break up and some are married happily now to each other. But in all of those cases, there was a specific reason for the split and when they got back together it was because that reason for splitting no longer existed.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Telling her you’d never bother her if she dumped you make it sound like this was a self fulfilling prophecy and your self esteem isn’t very high. I bet she could have done a lot of things better too but she decided to end things so she doesn’t care. Don’t think it was all your fault.
If you’ve not been through this before I’m pretty sure you’ll go ahead and start messaging her etc but trust me, we’ve all been there, you’d be a way bigger man if you just let it go and stopped all contact once everything is tidied up I.e. logistics and money etc, if it’s not already. Don’t do it!!

FTA69

Around five years ago I posted a similar (ish) thread to this and it brings back memories now reading it. For me it came out of the blue and I was in total shock, utter disbelief with the occasional burst of desperation that would bubble out. Loads of times I would have my phone or computer in hand and play out what to say to bring things back to the point where it was before. At the time I literally wanted nothing more than to be with her. However, I never did get in contact and I'm glad I didn't either.

As Wibbs said, her mind is made up and she's gone. It's an awful situation to be in mate but by the sounds of it she was steeling herself for this for a while and it isn't a shot across your bow or a warning.

First thing you need to do (and I know it's hard struggling through the fog of a trauma like this) is sort out the brass tacks. Are ye living together? Do you have your own space? Have you got all your stuff back that you need? Do ye have mutual commitments etc? You need a clear space to move on and then you need a clean break, at least for a while. No contact, no Facebooking, no texts etc. It's just dragging the arse out of it really and will hurt you a lot more.

The next few months are going to be dark and you'll feel all alone but you'll come out of it. Just make sure you try and fill your evenings up; for me that was a sport three times a week and learning a new language and heading out at the weekends but everyone is different like. Time is a great healer, best of luck.

Bambi985

"I'm sorry I didn't listen and I'm sorry I hurt you so much" is about as far as I'd go if you want to say anything at all. Don't plead, don't promise, don't ask for a second chance, just apologise for letting her down and walk away.

From her side of the fence, it's so difficult and painful to feel like you're not being heard or being taken for granted in a relationship, and it sounds like she felt that way for more than a few months. It's honestly the loneliest place to be in the world. Loving someone so much and pleading with them to get their sh1t together, and then the slow realisation that they never will and you have no choice but to walk away.

I've been there, and every single empty promise broke my heart to the point where there was nothing left to do, and I couldn't afford to believe another word he said. The post-breakup pleading and promises just fell on deaf ears, and NOT extracting myself from the situation when I should have because of this massive love I had for him probably hurt me the most of all. It's not fair on her to care and want to change NOW, when she's already given you 101 chances and has finally managed to do the right thing for herself.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is to learn from this and address your issues as if your life depended on it now (maybe it does), to prevent history from repeating itself with the next girl.

Thich Nhat Hanh

You don’t know if he did anything wrong! Often the person dumping makes the other party feel responsible for everything so that they feel less guilt. I’ve been there.

Bambi985

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote: »

You don’t know if he did anything wrong! Often the person dumping makes the other party feel responsible for everything so that they feel less guilt. I’ve been there.

Well I'm taking the OP at face value and assuming what he wrote about his issues is true

CornOnTheCob wrote: »

I'm shell-shocked at the moment, replaying everything over and over in my head, and to my shame, only now seeing where I came up short. It's not like she didn't let me know about these issues either, she has done for the past couple of months, but it just didn't register as it should have.

LolaJJ

The thing is, she was probably thinking about doing this for a while. It's sudden to you, for sure...and it hurts but I would think your best bet is to do and say NOTHING during this period where your emotions are running high.

Having ended a few relationships during my life I can categorically say that - nothing is more reassuring when you end a relationship than the person you have broken up with apologising and begging you to take them back.

As soon as you do that - the person who has broken up with you knows they can have you back should they change their mind, this devalues you and means they don't need to take responsibility for their actions.

It's hard to do, but your best bet is to actually try and move on from this. Take the reasons on board that this relationship ended and work on those issues. If she contacts you; tell her she was right to end things and it's given you an opportunity to work on yourself and not repeat the same mistakes when you meet someone special in the future.

Let her see you respect her decision but she should live with it now.

And then she might reconsider....

WIZWEB

Coincidently it was my decision to leave a four year relationship a few months ago. Relating to your former partners perspective I ended it abruptly in essence the straw that broke the camels back scenario. There were multiple serious issues some of which I've highlighted in various other threads. I always diplomatically addressed them but my feelings were continuously disregarded. Ultimately in my opinion the ex came up short in many ways over a long period of time. I compensated and made excuses for years but eventually got tired of being disrespected.

I'm not sure of your particular circumstances but I loved this person and I'd still rather not hear from them again! Everyone is different of course. Maybe after emotions settle in a few months I may feel different. By then it could be too late to reunite but that's life. Oh we're stubborn too! If you can't accept a similar scenario then you got to put yourself out. Without change though it will all be pointless anyway as old issues will resurface. That aside I'd say yes if you're willing to change the negatives and are in love then make contact. Yes I'm contradicting my own sentiments. Beware you may not like the response you get but it will give you some sense of closure. However if you don't try it's virtually over anyway.