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Is this an abusive relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Myself and my partner have been going through a very tough time lately and I'm beginning to feel like I am in an abusive relationship.

We are both in our early 30s, together about 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago but the problems I will list below have been there for a while before that, I just never realised I think. We both work very stressful jobs, with very long hours and large amounts of travel for me. I'm usually away from home for half of the month.

The problems are that she will often give out about my lack of help around the house, but when I give help she claims it's not done properly or that I should be resting on my time off, not doing chores. She has a very bad temper and gets annoyed at almost anything. To be honest I can't pinpoint what annoys her most of the time and so can never get my behaviour or actions right and feel like I'm walking on eggshells the whole time. Initially I slowly began to react slightly and bite back a very small amount, which she would then make a massive deal about disrespecting her this way, telling me if I ever spoke to her that way again she would leave me. So I stopped, now when she gets angry or annoyed about something I just go quiet, almost from fear of making a situation worse....this makes her angrier again.

She also has serious issues that I've had some long term relationships before her, and seems to be forever comparing herself to them and assuming that my life was better with them. No matter how much I try to explain that they're exes for a reason and I've happily moved on she won't accept this. She thinks my family, who love her, wish I was with one of my exes instead.

She constantly gives out, literally always acting and talking negatively to the point where I honestly have lost all empathy. She says she is sick, exhausted, over worked every single day and I can't handle it. I'm also exhausted but I don't complain and prefer to be positive and enjoy the small amount of time we get together. I try to get her to see a doctor to assess why she is always sick or has migraines but she won't address the problem.

On the flip side, 5 minutes after a blazing row and criticising everything about me and the way I act.....she's telling me how perfect I am and the best boyfriend she's ever had, and how she wants to marry me and have kids. My head is fried.

And before it looks like I'm just attacking her in this post, I acknowledge that I'm not a perfect person. Emotionally I can be distant, I've always been that way and I think I'm progressively getting more distant due to my job, which requires rational, non emotional but quick decisions in highly stressful situations. I get that this lack of emotional communication can be hard for her, but I constantly tell her I love her and am here for her. I can be lazy. I love to relax on the couch for a couple of hours sometimes when I've a day off which she cannot do. Our days off don't fall together too often but if she's working while I'm off, I feel like I need to hide it if I'm relaxing or having a nice time without her.

While I'm away from home I work 10-12 hour days with about 2 hours of travel to and from, and I share a rented house with one other. My partner expects 1-2 hours on the phone every day and I'm finding this tough. There's not a huge amount of spare hours in my day and, while I too would like a daily call, I feel that the length she wants is excessive. I have cleaning and washing in this second house too and need some wind town time before bed, I think she forgets this.

I've posted tonight following another spectacle whereby I arrived home, after a 18 hour day including 3 hours driving home, hoping for a nice evening. Instead, she knocked over something and got mad at me because I didn't react within 2 seconds of it happening. She's now said she won't be coming with me to a big family event next month because of my actions and how I ruined the evening, like I ruin everything else. She said my family won't want her there anyway....completely untrue. I've given up even reacting and just stayed silent. I know this is wrong but I feel nothing I say or do will improve the situation and I can't handle the argument. I'm just so apathetic at the moment and don't know what to do.

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httpete

You have yourself in a total unnecessary situation here mate. And the solution is obvious.

I work extremely long hours too and if I feel like doing nothing on my days that is exactly what I do, why would I do anything else? That is not laziness, laziness is not being arsed to work at all. If you are working hard then relaxing on your time off is very important.

Why are you letting someone have such control over you, listen up, you are free to do whatever you want, you can end this tomorrow. Or you could continue on taking this abuse for a few more years, agonizing over whether its worth rocking the boat by ending it. Yes, years - if you don't do it this week, why would do it next week, or next month? Your natural inclination to not rock the boat could easily cost you a few years. Break it off and in a weeks time once the initial doubts subside you will feel like a new person with a profound sense of freedom, I guarantee it. Yes she's going to up the drama and turn on the waterworks when you tell her, big deal, she'll find someone else to annoy soon enough.

And if you get into another relationship establish right from the start that you do not take this kind of abuse. Another tip, do not stick around who someone is angry or nagging or miserable or high-drama. If that behaviour starts to make an appearance just end it instantly. Once it is clear to people that you set high standards on how you expect to be treated this kind of situation you are in now never even arises. Chalk this one up as a learning experience and be glad you didn't waste years on it.

ellie1

She needs to talk to someone about what's going on for her. This relationship sounds very draining and u need to realise if she doesn't address her issues this is not going to change. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

[Deleted User]

Well said.
Sounds like a head melter

nikkibikki

"We can't continue like this. You either go to the doctor and get help or you're on your own. I've taken enough of your **** and I will take no more. Help yourself and we stand a chance."

An ultimatum I know but I honestly think anything less clear will have no impact. She's insecure and she's deflecting that onto you.

Bambi985

I appreciate we're only really getting one side, but christ she sounds like a nightmare. I suspect all of her behaviour including the dramatic meltdowns and temper tantrums are borne out of her own insecurities - perhaps not feeling 'good enough' for you, not 'measuring up' to exes or not feeling secure in the relationship, or whatever. But come on - most of us have our own insecurities and don't choose to take them out on those closest to us in this kind of a nasty, stressful way.

You absolutely should feel safe and secure in your need to lie on the fcuking couch after a week of ridiculously long hours and the fact that you don't says it all about your relationship. You don't feel comfortable, safe or respected around your partner, and who would really?

You sound like a nice guy OP and I would suggest applying that rational non-emotional thinking that you rely on in the office to your personal life too. Sit down and have a proper word with her, outlining all of the behaviour that is unacceptable and that you will no longer tolerate. Give her a chance to commit to change, see a counsellor or whatever and if that commitment isn't forthcoming, get the hell out of there. This is no way to live and you deserve more than this misery in your life.

Pelvis

Why are you with her? This sounds like an utterly miserable existence.

freddie1970

I rarely post but after reading about your predicament i felt i had to give u some advice .
10 years ago under a different name i posted about my relationship ..i was getting shouted at ..put down ..told to tidy up after 12 hour shifts when i was wrecked ..nearly word for word what you are going through ..i was told by everyone to get out leave ..but i didnt ..
thats why now im a seperated father off one ..once i got married and had a kid my ex got worse and worse i went through absolute hell..
This woman is manipulating you she is abusing you and this is an abusive relationship ..listen to me now and get out...
If she is this bad while u are only going out think how bad she will be when you have no escape and are married with kids..leopards do not change their spots ..

qwerty13

Don’t buy a house with her.

Don’t have a kid with her (and don’t have unprotected sex with her either).

Talk to a trusted friend or family member. I know you probably dont want to, and in general I’d agree - but you just sound broken. I’d bet that your friends and family are concerned for you (unless she’s a street angel / house devil). Sometimes talking to someone who has observed both of you can be an eye-opener in terms what they’ve noticed, and their concern for you. And they may well have a perspective on things that you’ve tried to normalise, or explain away due to stress.

I would go with what nikkibikki has suggested. But you have to be prepared to follow through on that. If you give an ultimatum and then back down, she knows that she can be behave even worse towards you. And you’re only together a relatively short time. How do you see this in 10 years? With money stress or a kid in the mix? With elderly parents who need help? What if you became ill?

One thing on the street angel / house devil thing (and obviously that’s an over-simplification): if she can keep a lid on her behaviour to or in front of others, she can do so with you as well. She just chooses not to. Subconsciously maybe, but she doesn’t feel the need to give you the respect or consideration that she gives others.

She already has you in a place where you don’t react for fear of angering her. That’s a really really bad place to be in. She may say she loves you, she may even believe that she loves you. But she sure isn’t showing you much love at all. That’s no way to live.

Personally, I would just end it - I’d find hard to believe that she can truly change. Or that she would change for a while, then revert back to her old behaviour. So that’s why I wouldn’t personally even go with the ultimatum. But you’re the one in the relationship, not me. So if I were you, I’d give her the ultimatum and then act on it. And do not tolerate any of this abuse from her again. I’d find it hard to know what to do if she slipped back to her old ways just a bit though - does that mean you have to do an ultimatum every time? That’s no way to live either. For that reason, I would just end it.

Airyfairy12

Its not an abusive relationship. Abuse is when someone tries to control, manipulate, ceorce or humiliate someone else. She's not acting in an intentionally cruel way. An abusive relationship is much more than the occasional row or temper tantrum although she is behaving very childishly, she's not bullying you, her criticisms dont seem to be personal attacks but rather relate to housework and things not going her way.

She does sound very stressed out, very insecure, emotionally immature and she sounds like she lacks communication skills in that she probably finds it difficult to process her feelings and express them in healthy way.

We're also only getting one side of the story so maybe try and talk to her and if you cant then break up, if youre constantly arguing and cant seem to get along then leave the relationship before it gets toxic and you both end up depressed.

silverharp

it just seems you are incompatible as a couple. Assuming you move on from this relationship you really need someone who will be a support and someone who isnt likely to be burned out from work or needs to do long hours. As it is you have a relationship where youd be mad to bring kids into it. good luck!

Panrich

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its not an abusive relationship. Abuse is when someone tries to control, manipulate, ceorce or humiliate someone else. She's not acting in an intentionally cruel way. An abusive relationship is much more than the occasional row or temper tantrum although she is behaving very childishly, she's not bullying you, her criticisms dont seem to be personal attacks but rather relate to housework and things not going her way.

She does sound very stressed out, very insecure, emotionally immature and she sounds like she lacks communication skills in that she probably finds it difficult to process her feelings and express them in healthy way.

We're also only getting one side of the story so maybe try and talk to her and if you cant then break up, if youre constantly arguing and cant seem to get along then leave the relationship before it gets toxic and you both end up depressed.

Yes we are only getting one side but that is usual on this forum so we can only go on what we have.

Any relationship that has one partner constantly walking on eggshells and afraid to speak up out of fear is an abusive relationship in my view and unless you know more than has been posted you cannot say otherwise.

Airyfairy12

Panrich wrote: »

Yes we are only getting one side but that is usual on this forum so we can only go on what we have.

Any relationship that has one partner constantly walking on eggshells and afraid to speak up out of fear is an abusive relationship in my view and unless you know more than has been posted you cannot say otherwise.

Fear of argument is different to fear of abusive retaliation. OP has indicated his fear is of the argument his OH will create. She's not communicating maturely and she's clearly inconsiderate of op feelings but it isnt abuse. She sounds stressed out and deals with it by blowing her lid but she's not bullying the OP. She's not doing it to intentonally hurt him or his self esteem.

Clearly theyre not compatible and should end the relationship, im sure most of us have been there.. you stay too long in a relationship that has run its course and turns toxic, I dont know the situation, only going by what OP has writtin here and from what he's saying, its not abuse but it is stress being misdirected at him and its time to leave.

Skyfarm

Hi op

i wish to apolgise for the victim blaming in this thread,nobody regardless of gender should even question your truth,how you see the pain is how you feel it.
the fact you are blaming yourself for her actions is abuse

Amens site http://www.amen.ie/ please contact these people,they will guide you

it wont stop until you say stop

zoobizoo

It's abuse in a way, yes.

You've two choices

1. Leave
2. Stay if you think she can change / wants to change or will change.

You will never be able to be happy in the relationship if 2 doesn't happen.

You will forever live in fear/disrespect /anxiety /unhappiness because she is making the decisions regarding the happiness of your relationship.

I remember a friend and a brother going out with similar sounding women, although not as severe.

I said to them at the time that they would never reach the heights of a loving relationship with their women because they could only be happy when their women were happy or when their women decided that they could be happy.

I don't know if someone like your gf can change because they aren't even aware of how horrible their behaviour is.

What are the benefits of you remaining in the relationship?

Would you not rather enjoy the company of someone fun, light hearted, non blaming with whom you can share good times?

Have you spoken with any good friends or your siblings about the situation?

If not, why not?

Dial Hard

Skyfarm wrote:

i wish to apolgise for the victim blaming in this thread

Literally not one single person has blamed the OP for his girlfriend's behaviour.

Bambi985

Hi OP, I'd suggest reading freddie1970's post a few times, as it may give you insight into how this kind of relationship progresses when these issues are tolerated or overlooked at this relatively early stage.

One thing I'll say is that it's easy for all of us here as impartial observers to tell you to leave, to break up as you're not compatible etc etc. Reality is a lot more complicated and relationships are always going to be hard work. So first of all, perhaps make a plan to address these issues with her. Tell her you want to chat at a certain time and have planned out exactly what you want to say, and what solutions you are suggesting. And go from there.

And the second thing I'll say is, start imagining life without this woman and think about what that would feel like. I think a lot of us, especially in our 30s, are too unwilling to imagine a single life because we expect our lives to go "a certain way" that is not in line with having to start from scratch with someone new. It's daunting. I know as I've recently gone through it, and have spent an age extricating myself from a bad relationship because "but I love him" - "but he loves me" - "but I can't be single again" - "but maybe I'll never meet someone better" and all that crap.

It is 100% better to be single and open to a new relationship than to be miserable and alone in the wrong relationship where none of your emotional needs are being fulfilled. Yes, it's uncomfortable and unsettling and heartbreaking, but you get through it and you learn a hell of a lot from it. You set a higher standard and you look out for the warning signs a bit more keenly.

Best of luck with it all.

JupiterKid

OP - I would fully agree with what most of the other posters on this thread have opined. Your GF seems to not just be abusive and disrespectful but also selfish and manipulative and deeply insecure. And chances are she won’t change. If you get married, things will almost certainly get worse and do you want to live, or bring a child, into such a toxic, nasty environment?

Also, do you love your job? Is it worth the very long hours and constant traveling? The money’s probably good but I personally prefer to “work to live” than “live to work.” The Continental Europeans have it right - but sadly the American crap of having your work consume everything has taken hold here in Ireland and the UK. It’s just not worth it in my opinion. A stroke or heart attack at 50 because of massive pressure and stress? A nervous breakdown? Who would want that? No way. My health - both physical and mental - and well being are far more important than a job.

I myself was bullied and overworked in a very well paying job about a decade ago in my early 30s. I ended up having a complete breakdown as a result. I took sick leave and decided to change tack. I now work in a job which doesn’t pay as much but I am much, much happier and have a decent work/life balance. Give this some thought.

But you need to confront your GF and lay down some new ground rules. If she won’t listen or make an effort to change, get out.

leggo

OP your post reminds me so much of a relationship I was in before and, yes, in hindsight I’ve realised it was abusive. Anyone who says it’s not either doesn’t understand how behaviour like this can become controlling, manipulative and abusive or is your girlfriend.

The reality is that it doesn’t have to be this way. You’ll probably want to stay with her because the highs are high, but this is the person she’s telling you she is, you’re just choosing to ignore that in favour of the person she can be on her best day. I’m telling you now from experience of following one of these through to its bloody end, it does not get better, only worse. The behaviour you’re hoping will go away will, without treatment, in time become her default behaviour and the good side will be the exception. Once again, she is telling you who she is and you’re choosing not to listen to that.

When you come to the stage you’re at, ie asking questions, the instinct will likely be to try change or help her. I’m actually not going to tell you this is a bad thing as most would, because if you’re anything like me you’ll need to go through these steps yourself so you can feel good when you eventually do move on, just manage your expectations. The train has left the station and she’s already decided not to get help. If given an ultimatum, she will likely improve her behaviour for a short space of time to show you it’s possible, but then it will be replaced by massive outbursts that are worse than ever before because it’s like trying to put a plaster on cancer (for me this is where violence from her came into play). I tell you this so, if you go this route (which I suspect you will), you know what’s coming and can identify that it’s not working. Sadly she almost definitely will not improve her behaviour long-term by being with you, on some level you may even unknowingly be enabling said behaviour, the only way she may improve is by losing you and going through a long period of soul-searching.

If you’re worried about being alone or not meeting anyone else like her, don’t be. Trust me, where this behaviour leads to its natural conclusion, it’s better to be alone, and besides you’re still young and seem to have a lot going for you so meeting someone else down the line shouldn’t be an issue.

But to answer what you’re wondering here: yes you are right to be concerned, yes your feelings are valid (even if she tries to gaslight you and make you feel like you’re crazy or imagining things) and yes, however you wish to proceed from here is likely the right decision regardless of how she feels about it.

Airyfairy12

Sorry but just to add, im not victim blaming the OP at all, clearly the situation is toxic and his girlfriend has some insecurity and anger problems. She's incredibly immature - Thats not the OP's fault. No one is ever responsible for the actions/behaviour of someone else. That said all the op can do is leave because clearly his OH isnt capable of adult communication or acknowledging his feelings at all. Leave the relationship before it does become abusive.

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This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its not an abusive relationship. Abuse is when someone tries to control, manipulate, ceorce or humiliate someone else. .

"She's now said she won't be coming with me to a big family event next month because of my actions and how I ruined the evening, like I ruin everything else"

Did you not read this far down the first post or did it not suit your attempt to be contrarian?

OP, you are clearly in an abusive relationship. One of the characteristics which generally stands out for me is that there's no pleasing an abusive partner - you're wrong for helping, wrong for not helping, wrong for being loud, wrong for saying nothing and so on, with no consistency, no logic (not that there is logic which would justify abuse), no predictability. The fact is that whatever the abusers motivation, they are ready to start abusing at a moment's notice and they'll find an excuse, just as it seems to be for you.

Ursus Horribilis

In a way it doesn't really matter what label you put in it. It's a horrendous relationship and our OP is in the lucky position of being able to walk. No mortgage, no kids, no marriage. They should be happy and loved up at this early stage. That it has degenerated into this should be taken as a warning sign of what's to come if he stays.

Airyfairy12

Guessed wrote: »

"She's now said she won't be coming with me to a big family event next month because of my actions and how I ruined the evening, like I ruin everything else"

Did you not read this far down the first post or did it not suit your attempt to be contrarian?

I'm not trying to be contrarian lol, I just dont agree that its abuse. She's very difficult for sure but abusive? I just think thats a stretch.
Sure look arent we all just randomers posting thoughts on the internet, its just an opinion, no need to get so upset. I wont drag this out anymore.

- OP I hope you leave her and find someone whose mature and considerate of your feelings, plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

Unfollowing thread xx

httpete

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sorry but just to add, im not victim blaming the OP at all, clearly the situation is toxic and his girlfriend has some insecurity and anger problems. She's incredibly immature - Thats not the OP's fault. No one is ever responsible for the actions/behaviour of someone else. That said all the op can do is leave because clearly his OH isnt capable of adult communication or acknowledging his feelings at all. Leave the relationship before it does become abusive.

She's not immature, she's in her early 30's, this is her personality, she's not going to grow out of it. She's always going to have 'insecurity and anger problems'.

It's a no-brainer to leave this so-called relationship. Life is so much easier when you simply drop anyone who causes you hassle.

jennyhayes123

Run for the hills. It will only get worse.

KP81

Get a cleaner, pay her more attention, see if things improve.

thomas anderson.

Is she on the pill? When my missus changed hers she went mental like that. Changed it back and all was calm again.

Teyla Emmagan

I think it's worth remembering here OP that being single is about a million times better than being in a bad relationship. And yours sounds terrible. What on earth are you with this person for? She seems awful, dump her and get on with your life.

Neyite

Around the 18 month mark generally you begin to see whether a relationship is something worth keeping or not. From what you've described, it sounds massively unhappy and stressful for you. At 2 years in you should be still mad to get home and go at it like rabbits and be all loved up, but you two sound like an unhappier version of the Duckworths on Corrie.

If it's like this now, it will get much much worse when you are married and when you've got a couple of kids to protect from their mother screeching at them and you can't leave because the mortgage and household bills take pretty much every spare penny you have. Plus you'd fear she would manipulate the kids as weapons to hurt you futher.

Toxic/ abusive - it doesn't matter what label is on it. All that matters is that someone is treating you badly and shouldn't be. They rarely change. Her issues are hers to deal with. You should be with someone who makes you happy.

rantyface

I'm assuming you're with her for a reason and you would like to work it out rather than just break up. People are very quick to suggest to other people to break up but when you love someone and commit to them you can't do that so easily.
It seems that the problem is the exhaustion. She says she's exhausted and what you describe is a very draining lifestyle. People aren't rational when they're exhausted- they make bad decisions and are overly emotional and negative.
Is there any way, given that you work so many hours, that she could work part time or not at all and just mind the house and the cooking and so on or even travel with you to your second home? If both people are working insanely hard it's very difficult to have a normal lifestyle and it's impossible to have a social life and hobbies and other things that bring joy to life.
Good luck.