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Time to get creep-ay

Confucius say

I just wanted to bounce this off you all. 2 things really. First of all, like another poster here, I am considering asking a younger girl I met at a party last Friday out. We spoke for most of the night but got split up at the end and I never got her number. She was with a colleague of mine who I'm friendly with at work events etc but that's about it. She lives close to where I live. I felt we had a connection, but how many times do you hear that, and was pretty pissed off the next day when I realised I had no way of seeing her again...

I feel bad writing this but I looked at my colleague's friends (I'm not his friend on facebook) and found her there. So would it be just totally weird and creepy to send her a message this way? I'm thinking probably, yes. Although personally I'd be flattered but I'm not the type who comes on strong to people or acts inappropriately, so this feels like a potential minefield to me.
Now I could ask him for her number, but I really don't know him that well, and that doesn't feel right either.

Other thing is - she's 10 years younger than me. I'm 36 and she's 26. She's got a 2 year old and seemed wise beyond her years. I look after myself and don't feel old at all so it didn't feel like I was speaking with someone much younger than me. But still, I've never gone out with someone with that much of an age gap, although I did have a girlfriend 7 years older than me once who I still feel was the one that got away...

So - is it super creepy to ask for her number or ask her out via Facebook?

Thanks for reading

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leggo

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I've also always found that guys who look you up on social media are invariably creeps.

That's literally everyone on social media, guys and girls. EVERYONE looks up people they're dating these days. And in a world where you're arranging to meet a picture, it's actually the prudent, least intrusive thing to do to get more info on them.

I find it a bit sad when I hear of people with these damaging limiting beliefs tied to a different world, it must hamper them so much. I was talking to a girl the other night who hadn't been with a man in nearly two years before we got chatting: she thought every lad she met in a bar was a creep, every guy online was a catfish and that it's weird to be texting someone she hadn't met. Yet she also desperately wanted to find someone. "Well if you don't like meeting people out and don't like online but want to meet a guy...how do you plan on meeting someone?" I asked. "Well I haven't been with anyone for nearly two years..." And she won't be with me again, the poor girl was broken from bad experiences and not for me at all. I just felt bad for her, and pity isn't great for building attraction.

These beliefs do damage. I get that it's easy to get cynical with dating but the consequence of growing jaded is possibly dying alone.

JackTaylorFan

Confucius say wrote: »

Well for me I know pretty much instantly that the date is going nowhere. And that's 9 times out of 10. So that's why sometimes I might have 2 or 3 dates lined up. Anyway usually they never materialise. I had 2 dates lined up but one of them kinda freaked me out with stuff she was saying, so I backed out, and I met the other one on Saturday. She was pleasant but it was a waste of time, didn't click at all.

I don't see the problem with keeping options open. I'm done with dating for a while now anyway, there are only so many pointless dates I can go on before getting utterly sick of it, I usually wait a few months and try again.

Meeting that youngone last week was a breath of fresh air, actually clicking with someone in real life, it hadn't happened in years. So I'm hopeful now of that happening again, there's a single's night for people in their 30s I've been to before and it was great fun, there's another one on next week that I might check out. #

Internet dating shouldn't be the only way!

My apologies, OP, didn't mean to make a personal judgment on your character in any of my previous replies - I am aware it may have read that way... I would be curious of how many times on your latest date, you found yourself comparing that girl with the girl this post was originally about - but I guess that's just human nature.

And I agree, internet dating should not be the only way - but for me, sadly, it is safer.
______________

To add to the Dating App debate - of how the whole phenomenon has become so prevalent in society, and how it is affecting a large proportion of users' attitudes to dating in general - well, I've read some interesting pieces on the subject:

Basically, the conclusion reached is thus: in individuals seeking meaningful relationships, apps like Tinder actually cause the user to act in a manner counter-intuitive to reaching their goal - i.e. the more upfront you are about wanting a relationship on them, the less likely you are to achieve your aim. Users have become programmed to view other users who seems fixed on the idea of actually finding love as undesirable due to the fact they are unwilling to play it casual and remain emotionally detached; stating you want a relationship is translated as being desperate; wanting something more serious than to casually date around reeks of neediness.

LongTimeAway

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Emme wrote: »

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

Yeah, totally agree - the conveyor belt mentality to dating is icky.

Agreed. I actually found out that the guy I was dating had dated someone else when we had a disagreement (because he was flaky and I suspected he was messing me around) and I was really upset. He was a bit of a player and best avoided.

I've also always found that guys who look you up on social media are invariably creeps. I don't know why this is, I was all ready to suspend my usual wariness of this approach when I read this thread and believe that old fashioned romance wasn't dead. And then the poster commented about two more girls he was dating that week, making a big thing about one of them being a younger woman.

FWIW I wouldn't knowingly date a man who had other dates lined up. I prefer my men to have more interesting things going on in their lives than constant dating.

cailin.

It's extremely difficult to have one or two dates without a distraction. In an ideal world, the person you have a date with will act interested and make an effort, but that isn't always the case. The majority of single people look to the next thing if there is no spark etc, which isn't unfair as that's what trying to meet someone is about. When you meet someone you know you might have potential with, then you can expect the no distraction.

You absolutely should go OP, you won't meet anyone sitting at home on the sofa!

Confucius say

Emme wrote: »

It isn't possessive or needy. I think that anyone who accepts dates under those conditions has low self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with having standards or wanting to get to know a person properly before deciding to take things further. For me that takes one or two dates with no distractions. If there is no reason to take things further then I move on to the next date.

Everyone is different but if you're dating with the mentality that there is something better around the corner and fiddling with dating apps while on dates you might get laid plenty of times but you will find it difficult to find a meaningful relationship.

Well for me I know pretty much instantly that the date is going nowhere. And that's 9 times out of 10. So that's why sometimes I might have 2 or 3 dates lined up. Anyway usually they never materialise. I had 2 dates lined up but one of them kinda freaked me out with stuff she was saying, so I backed out, and I met the other one on Saturday. She was pleasant but it was a waste of time, didn't click at all.

I don't see the problem with keeping options open. I'm done with dating for a while now anyway, there are only so many pointless dates I can go on before getting utterly sick of it, I usually wait a few months and try again.

Meeting that youngone last week was a breath of fresh air, actually clicking with someone in real life, it hadn't happened in years. So I'm hopeful now of that happening again, there's a single's night for people in their 30s I've been to before and it was great fun, there's another one on next week that I might check out. #

Internet dating shouldn't be the only way!

Emme

Icepick wrote: »

Being that possessive and needy before even the first date shows very low self-esteem.

It isn't possessive or needy. I think that anyone who accepts dates under those conditions has low self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with having standards or wanting to get to know a person properly before deciding to take things further. For me that takes one or two dates with no distractions. If there is no reason to take things further then I move on to the next date.

Everyone is different but if you're dating with the mentality that there is something better around the corner and fiddling with dating apps while on dates you might get laid plenty of times but you will find it difficult to find a meaningful relationship.

Icepick

Emme wrote: »

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

Being that possessive and needy before even the first date shows very low self-esteem.

Bambi985

I'd agree with JackTaylorfan actually, though it's a contentious thing to say as of course single people can do and date who they bloody well like. That's their right. But the online shopping aspect of dating apps can be off-putting and I've met a lot of guys (I'm sure girls do it too) that treat dates like commodities, weighing out the pros and cons that can be counter-productive and actually prevent any natural connection from occurring.

Anyway, perhaps a debate for another thread. If some guy I had met briefly tracked me down and asked me out on Facebook I'd be flattered and would definitely go out with him. Would be a bit deflated if I learned he had three other dates lined up that week, and I find I can pick up on these serial dating app-ers quite succinctly most of the time anyway. Have met enough of em!

JackTaylorFan

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

So it was ok when you were doing it, but not ok when you decided not to?

Nope, never said that. Stop selective reading.

What I said is it's shallow and leads to this carousel effect of always waiting for something better. I experienced that from using dating apps - and it's a pretty common modus operand on them too.

[Deleted User]

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

So it was ok when you were doing it, but not ok when you decided not to?

Don't you know that it's only bad if someone else does it? Jeez, whoops, get with the times.

The OP is allowed to date whoever they want. As many as they want. They're a single person. There is no conveyor belt mentality that comes with dating apps. That has always existed in some form or another.

It's called being single.

Confucius say

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Lolz

But yeah, I think it's the whole "the grass is always greener" mentality that comes along with dating apps. And I've been guilty of it myself in the past. You're having a perfectly pleasant back and forth with one person and then another guy comes along and messages and you start becoming distracted and begin comparing two people in a very materialistic way. Maybe it works for some people, but I find it a bit gross - and so I don't do it anymore.

One person at a time.

I'm trying to go on a few dates and meet a woman I like, you're reading way too much into it

whoopsadoodles

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Lolz

But yeah, I think it's the whole "the grass is always greener" mentality that comes along with dating apps. And I've been guilty of it myself in the past. You're having a perfectly pleasant back and forth with one person and then another guy comes along and messages and you start becoming distracted and begin comparing two people in a very materialistic way. Maybe it works for some people, but I find it a bit gross - and so I don't do it anymore.

One person at a time.

So it was ok when you were doing it, but not ok when you decided not to?

JackTaylorFan

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

"i**y"? (I'm not saying that word, I'm nearly 40 ffs)

Lolz

But yeah, I think it's the whole "the grass is always greener" mentality that comes along with dating apps. And I've been guilty of it myself in the past. You're having a perfectly pleasant back and forth with one person and then another guy comes along and messages and you start becoming distracted and begin comparing two people in a very materialistic way. Maybe it works for some people, but I find it a bit gross - and so I don't do it anymore.

One person at a time.

whoopsadoodles

Lots of people go on lots on dates.

If someone was so needy that they felt like they had to be the only date that week despite it being your first date.....nope.

With regards messages coming through from non friends, it used to be that they would go to an "other" folder, but now you get a request asking you to accept the message.

I've had it happen with me before, that a guy chased me down on FB based on a small bit of information he had on me after chatting to him on a night out. I had my friend request settings set to friends only so he friend requested my friend to get to me.

He wasn't in the slightest bit creepy, he just really liked me. Sure what harm. Nice guy, and athough I wasn't interested in anything with him, I thought it was ok that he had tried to get in touch.

Don't regret sending the message OP. Sure you'd nothing to lose

Dr Crayfish

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Yeah, totally agree - the conveyor belt mentality to dating is icky.

So how often should one wait before going on a single date with one person? What wouldn't be "i**y"? (I'm not saying that word, I'm nearly 40 ffs)

JackTaylorFan

Emme wrote: »

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

Yeah, totally agree - the conveyor belt mentality to dating is icky.

miamee

Emme wrote: »

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

Why on earth would you tell someone if you were going on multiple dates?

Most people doing it are mature and clued in enough not to talk about dates with other people when on a date. In the same way it would be inappropriate to talk about your ex(es) on a first date. But I don't see any issue in arranging multiple dates if you happen to be speaking with a few people that you get on well with. A lot of the time things can fizzle out if you don't meet someone relatively soon after sttriking up a conversation so best to meet asap even if that means meeting more than one person in a short time frame.

Confucius say

Emme wrote: »

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

And why would I tell a girl I was going on a date with about other dates? Icky? Wtf...

Confucius say

Emme wrote: »

I think this girl has had a lucky escape.

Sorry why exactly? Jesus...

Emme

Tigger99 wrote: »

Lucky escape? Why because he has a few dates lined up? You are just projecting your unhappiness here Emme.

I have a few first dates lined up too, and shock horror I'm nearly 40 and female. Until I meet someone I want to date exclusively I certainly don't see the problem.

If that's what you want to do make the most of it while you can.

Not everyone wants to be lined up on a conveyor belt. If a guy said to me "I have a date lined up for Wednesday night and another for Saturday night but would you like to meet for a date on Monday night?" I would find it icky but that's just me.

Tigger99

Lucky escape? Why because he has a few dates lined up? You are just projecting your unhappiness here Emme.

I have a few first dates lined up too, and shock horror I'm nearly 40 and female. Until I meet someone I want to date exclusively I certainly don't see the problem.

Emme

Confucius say wrote: »

Have a date this evening with a girl similar to my own age and I must be turning into George Clooney or something because just arranged a date with a 25 year old for Saturday on Bumble. Maturing like a fine wine!
Happy Christmas all

I think this girl has had a lucky escape.

Icepick

Standard approach. And ask your colleague too.

Dial Hard

power pants wrote: »

Don't understand the use of the word creepy

The op chatted to the person and they got on. He's not a stranger or someone she has never spoken too

Whether he messages or sends a friend request first, neither is creepy

I'm pretty sure he meant he was creeping on Facebook in order to find her. It's a term people use when they look up people on Facebook that they're not friends with.

power pants

Don't understand the use of the word creepy

The op chatted to the person and they got on. He's not a stranger or someone she has never spoken too

Whether he messages or sends a friend request first, neither is creepy

Confucius say

Thanks all. TBH I wish I never sent it now, it's pretty creepy to look someone's friends up who's not a friend of yours and I feel a bit sh*tty about it now!
So hopefully she never gets the message.
Have a date this evening with a girl similar to my own age and I must be turning into George Clooney or something because just arranged a date with a 25 year old for Saturday on Bumble. Maturing like a fine wine!
Happy Christmas all

GingerLily

She might have settings that notify her of a message, or she might not - the clear best way to proceed would be to send a friend request and if she accepts then send her a message.
It is less creepy to send a friend request first IMO anyway

power pants

BetsyEllen wrote: »

power pants wrote: »

She will get the message the same way you get a message if friends

Notification will come up on her phone saying

Xxxx sent message. Accept and open?

Or words to that effect

No...if you're not friends, it goes into a folder called 'message requests'.
You get no notification for it.

If you've never checked yours you should.
Go to messenger, people, message requests and you might have some unseen messages in your inbox.

You then have to 'accept' the message before you can read it.

Well i guess mine is different then.

I have my settings to private. However people that are not friends can send messages to Me and I'll receive them as a standard message alerting me to accept or not accept the message

Perhaps she has similar with her settings

JackTaylorFan

Question: Is the poke feature still on FB?

I've been poked in the past by random guys whose messages I've ignored.

Like, take a hint, fella

OP, your situation is a bit different than the random creepers I get though. You felt you had built up a rapport with this girl, so fairplay on sending the message.

Probably best you don't try poke her though - the message was likely seen - and a poke now would seem overly aggressive.

As for the age thing... 10 year age gap after the age of 25 in not even a thing.

PhoenixParker

Do you know she actually uses Facebook? Many people have dormant accounts.

I would talk to your mutual acquaintance first and see about getting a number or passing on a direct message.