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Don't Know How To Cope With The Loss of My Dog

BrigidCooley

My beloved fur baby died in the early morning of Wednesday, suddenly. She was 13 years old and I'd had her the whole 13 years, never apart from my side in all that time, except for a handful of days.

What happened? Early Tuesday morning, she seemed a little stiff on her feet, and hadn't slept all night, so we thought it might have been her arthritis. So, after I had been the doctors in the morning, I brought her to the vets. They thought it might have been gastro, and she had a slightly low temperature. She got an antibiotic injection and we went home. Kept her warm, wrapped her up on my bed, had the heating on.

Now she seemed fine, she was eating, but I noticed she was starting to drink a lot more than usual. Anyway, by the evening, around 6pm, she was very lethargic, and her paws and ears were cold, and by this time she wasn't eating. And she was uneasy and couldn't rest. We brought her down again to the vets, and we noticed she would just stand there and not move, just spaced out. Anyway, her temperature was low, and he said her heart was okay. He gave her iron injections and b12 injections and took blood tests. We again took her home. He said about leaving her in the vets to go on a drip, but we wanted to take her home. He said if she got any worse, she would have to come in.

Of course, when we did bring her home, she got worse within the hour. When she got off the bed, her back legs completely collapsed and then her front, she was spaced out again. I broke down in tears and my mum and dad had to bring her back to the vets immediately. I hugged her face and gave her kisses, not realising that was the last time I'd see her alive.

The two vets, but her on a heated drip, to warm up her body, and a red light and heated bed in a private room.

When we got the phone call at 7am on Wednesday morning. We knew it was bad news, she had passed away about an hour before. The vet explained that he had been checking on her throughout the night, and said that she had perked up for a little while, and he thought she was getting better. But he said she took a bad turn, and he and another vet worked on her, trying to bring her back but she was gone.

He said in the phone call, that the blood tests did indicate kidney failure. When the other blood tests came back, it showed a built of of enzymes in her kidneys I think he said. Also, that she had a low white blood cell count, along with an infection, so because of her age, her heart wasn't strong enough to fight through it.

To say I cried is an understatement, I've been crying since Tuesday, and only stopped because it was starting to hurt. I don't want to talk to anyone, when I have to I just try bare through it as fast as possible. I go from not wanting to eat at all, to eating everything. I have 3 other dogs, and they have been super hyper since she has gone. The vet asked did I want to go see her, but I said no because I couldn't bare to see her dead. I was there when my first dog had to be put down because he had kidney failure, and that ripped me apart.

I arranged with the vet to have her picked up by the local pet funeral home, where I requested for her to be privately cremated and a lock of her tail hair be kept as her tail was a beautiful long blonde because she was a Saluki.

What is killing me is that I was not there when she died, and I'm racked with guilt that she must of thought we left her in the vets and didn't want her. I feel like I can't go on I'm so distraught. I don't want her last moments to be of her thinking we left her at the vets, but we it was the only chance we had of saving her. I don't know what to do. No one understand this pain I'm feeling. I feel it is all my fault.

She had a bad case of diarrhea a few weeks ago, where her poop was like water, and as always with all our pets, we immediately brought her to the vet and got her medication. We watched everything she ate, kept her away from anything in the grass or on the roads, and eventually it cleared up and her poop was back to normal. For a few months she had a little peeing problem, and we didn't think anything of it, as always; we brought her to the vets, got her medication, and she cleared up for a while, and eventually the peeing stopped and she didn't do it for a long time since. Then this happened so suddenly Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning she was dead. The vet said she was in no pain whatsoever, and he had given her medication before she went into the room on the drip, so I don't know if it was a sedative or something else to help.

I feel like I should have noticed this earlier, that if I had taken more notice, got her blood tests sooner, or something this would all have been prevented. But I'd seen the vets numerous times, and had her checked out, heart and such, medication for any little problem she had. Then that happened, like my first dog, who died of kidney failure, but his happened over a few days where he would vomit, incontinence and non-stop drinking. She had non of those symptoms. His was because he was on lifelong medication for epilepsy.

Its all my fault isn't it? If I'd paid more attention earlier on, but now I'm racked with guilt and a feeling of letting her down. I'm inconsolable, I'm crying every night and mentally and physically in despair. I know shes gone now but my heart is in so much pain.

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La.de.da

I'm so very sorry for your loss. And what a big one it is, to loose a beloved pet.

First of all, it isn't your fault. Kidney failure in dogs comes on rapidly and it sounds you've done everything you could to with your vet to help.

It's natural to have the what if thoughts but try not feel guilty. As much as you adore your dog you would not want to have them suffering or in pain.

It's a heart wrenching time. I went through this in August, and it still really hurts. But you need to give yourself time to grieve. Cry all you need.

As the days and weeks go by it becomes more bearable. You'll be able to think of your furry pal and smile at the fun times you've shared together.

Take good care and be kind to yourself.

Tony H

Hey Brigid , so sorry for your loss , don't blame yourself , you loved her unconditionally for 13 years , you did everything you could to help her ,
we lost our golden retriever in August after a short battle with lymphoma and at the time we were devastated , we put him to sleep as his condition got worse and there is not a day goes by still when I wish I had delayed the decision for a little more time with him , but that would have been selfish of me and not fair to him ,
a sad part of being owned by a pet is the cruel fact that they will pass before us , but the best part is the memories they bring to us , the beautiful memories will be with us forever and the pain does fade and the happy memories become stronger , look up a poem called the Rainbow Bridge , you will cry but it helped me with the loss of my Joey and before him my Charlie,
We have made the next step and we have been adopted by a new golden ball of full called Alfie , he is not a replacement as Joey was unique , but all pets are unique and bring us love and happiness and all they ask for is food ,shelter and love , I really hope you feel better soon , it will happen and maybe sometime you will open your heart again to another ball of fur ,
here is a pic of our new golden boy , he is driving us insane at the moment , no sleep for us , puddles if we take our eyes off him for a moment and teeth like a crocodile but we love him already and are looking forward to many years of getting to know him better,

https://photos.app.goo.gl/KGVsclksCblinECy2

DBB

Awww you poor mite.
Reading through your detailed and clearly heartfelt account of what happened, I was thinking to myself wow... These are owners who acted quickly and decisively at moments that many others might have adopted a "wait and see" approach. You really were there for your old pal when she most needed help.
So no, to be perfectly honest with you op, I think you couldn't have done any better than you did, given the signs and symptoms your old pal was showing. You stood up to the line for her, and did all you could.
I'll also say, having lost a few of my own golden oldies in recent years, I do feel that your pal wouldn't really have been "with it" in those final hours in the vets, and is unlikely to have really known where she was. She'd have been comfortable and free of pain because she had the vet watching over her with direct access to everything she needed to keep her pain free and sleepy. She'd have been warm, cozy, and settled.
That few moments of seeming to be on the mend just before they get bad again... Seems to happen a LOT... I saw it in my own, and my very soft-hearted vet nurse friend tells me it happens all the time, but even then the dog isn't really fully cognisant of where she is or who's there. They just have a few moments of activity, and then they're gone.
You got to give her lovely cuddles and kisses when she was still able to know you were there, and although you weren't there with her when she passed, maybe that's how she wanted it... Happens with people too... They choose to go quietly and without any fuss... So maybe your pal decided she just wanted to go on her terms, in her own time, when she felt comfortable enough to let go.
Take the best care of yourself as you can op. Grieve away, it's good to cry and feel so sad at losing her. But remember, she'll make you an even better owner for your next dog, will have taught you little subtle things that'll make life even better for the dogs you have now, and dogs you'll have in future. The awful, crushing sadness will fade in time, and the happy memories of her will bring a smile back to your face when you least expect it.
Take care op... You did just fine

BrigidCooley

La.de.da wrote: »

I'm so very sorry for your loss. And what a big one it is, to loose a beloved pet.

First of all, it isn't your fault. Kidney failure in dogs comes on rapidly and it sounds you've done everything you could to with your vet to help.

It's natural to have the what if thoughts but try not feel guilty. As much as you adore your dog you would not want to have them suffering or in pain.

It's a heart wrenching time. I went through this in August, and it still really hurts. But you need to give yourself time to grieve. Cry all you need.

As the days and weeks go by it becomes more bearable. You'll be able to think of your furry pal and smile at the fun times you've shared together.

Take good care and be kind to yourself.

Thank you, I think I'm just going through the stages of grief, and one of them is guilt and blame. I think because I was there for my other pets, who sadly had to be put to sleep, so we knew it was coming, but with this, it happened so suddenly and took us by shock, its taking a lot longer to come to terms with it.

BrigidCooley

DBB wrote: »

Awww you poor mite.
Reading through your detailed and clearly heartfelt account of what happened, I was thinking to myself wow... These are owners who acted quickly and decisively at moments that many others might have adopted a "wait and see" approach. You really were there for your old pal when she most needed help.
So no, to be perfectly honest with you op, I think you couldn't have done any better than you did, given the signs and symptoms your old pal was showing. You stood up to the line for her, and did all you could.
I'll also say, having lost a few of my own golden oldies in recent years, I do feel that your pal wouldn't really have been "with it" in those final hours in the vets, and is unlikely to have really known where she was. She'd have been comfortable and free of pain because she had the vet watching over her with direct access to everything she needed to keep her pain free and sleepy. She'd have been warm, cozy, and settled.
That few moments of seeming to be on the mend just before they get bad again... Seems to happen a LOT... I saw it in my own, and my very soft-hearted vet nurse friend tells me it happens all the time, but even then the dog isn't really fully cognisant of where she is or who's there. They just have a few moments of activity, and then they're gone.
You got to give her lovely cuddles and kisses when she was still able to know you were there, and although you weren't there with her when she passed, maybe that's how she wanted it... Happens with people too... They choose to go quietly and without any fuss... So maybe your pal decided she just wanted to go on her terms, in her own time, when she felt comfortable enough to let go.
Take the best care of yourself as you can op. Grieve away, it's good to cry and feel so sad at losing her. But remember, she'll make you an even better owner for your next dog, will have taught you little subtle things that'll make life even better for the dogs you have now, and dogs you'll have in future. The awful, crushing sadness will fade in time, and the happy memories of her will bring a smile back to your face when you least expect it.
Take care op... You did just fine

Thank you, I know its just hard to come to terms with and is going to take a lot longer than I thought it would to come to terms with it. He is beautiful, the pup, gorgeous little bundle of happiness running through the grass.

VonVix

Times like these we forget all the good we try to do, and focus on all the what we believe are mistakes and missed opportunities.

Reading your post shouts to me of an incredibly loving and caring dog owner and an incredibly lucky dog to have had you. She won the jackpot.

Just remember your pupper was there always to bring you joy and love, let that be her legacy too. You'll be okay, I promise, just give yourself some time.

BrigidCooley

VonVix wrote: »

Times like these we forget all the good we try to do, and focus on all the what we believe are mistakes and missed opportunities.

Reading your post shouts to me of an incredibly loving and caring dog owner and an incredibly lucky dog to have had you. She won the jackpot.

Just remember your pupper was there always to bring you joy and love, let that be her legacy too. You'll be okay, I promise, just give yourself some time.

Thank you for this. I can't even describe my love for her, as I have no children, she was my child in a way. Myself and my mum rescued her when she was a puppy after she had been dumped, and we nursed her back to health. Since then, she never left my side, slept on my bed, and just never been apart. So now that she is no longer with me, it feels like a piece of me has died, and it has in a way, and I've just been finding things that I didn't do right, things I may have missed in her health, things like that. I know how much I loved her, and hope she remembered that before she left, and didn't think I left her. I know she had to go into the vets hospital to go on a drip, but I hope she knew I was close by. I'm just in a lot of grief right now and it will take a long time to heal.

TG1

I can't really say much except look after yourself. This is such a hard time.

We lost our little man in May, and I still have moments when I see anything he would have liked or anything that reminds me of him. It's so hard and I feel for you.

While I know it's no consolation now, reading your post it's clear that your dog was unbelievably loved and you did everything you could for her. After they give us years and years of unconditional love that is all we can do to repay them, and it's so clear from your post that you repaid in spades and did everything in your power to keep her healthy and happy.

Take care, let yourself cry, know there are plenty of us out there who understand it is a loss of a family member. Over time you won't miss her any less but it will get easier to deal with.

BrigidCooley

TG1 wrote: »

I can't really say much except look after yourself. This is such a hard time.

We lost our little man in May, and I still have moments when I see anything he would have liked or anything that reminds me of him. It's so hard and I feel for you.

While I know it's no consolation now, reading your post it's clear that your dog was unbelievably loved and you did everything you could for her. After they give us years and years of unconditional love that is all we can do to repay them, and it's so clear from your post that you repaid in spades and did everything in your power to keep her healthy and happy.

Take care, let yourself cry, know there are plenty of us out there who understand it is a loss of a family member. Over time you won't miss her any less but it will get easier to deal with.

Thank you, yeah, and I just got her cremation box home, and put her photo in it. I will probably cry a few more times, and then I will slowly get back to normal and focus on spending more time with my other 3 dogs, and making sure they are happy and healthy. Thank you again.

jimf

ah god love you we have all been there

don't beat yourself up she had a wonderful loving owner and I'm sure she knew it

look after yourself In time the grief will turn to memories good ones are best to help us move along

Binka

Your other 3 dogs sound very lucky to have you as their owner. The decisions we make in difficult circumstances are the best we can do for our pets. It sounds like you did everything right and never hesitated to get professional help for your girl.

It will be tough for a while but soon you will have a big smile on your face every time you think of her.

Take good care of yourself.

the_syco

BrigidCooley wrote: »

He said in the phone call, that the blood tests did indicate kidney failure. When the other blood tests came back, it showed a built of of enzymes in her kidneys I think he said. Also, that she had a low white blood cell count, along with an infection, so because of her age, her heart wasn't strong enough to fight through it.

Sounds like it was just her time. Nothing you could have done.

BrigidCooley wrote: »

I was not there when she died

BrigidCooley wrote: »

I don't know what to do.

BrigidCooley wrote: »

I feel it is all my fault.

This sounds a bit like survivors guilt. You have to realize that there was nothing that you could have done, and to move on. Remember the happy memories, and play with the 3 dogs you have now.

BrigidCooley

jimf wrote: »

ah god love you we have all been there

don't beat yourself up she had a wonderful loving owner and I'm sure she knew it

look after yourself In time the grief will turn to memories good ones are best to help us move along

Thank you, everyone has been really kind. I'm still finding myself crying a every now and then during the days. I think I'm trying to force myself to get back to normality, but it has only been 3 days, and I think I need more time to grieve.

Thanks again.

BrigidCooley

Binka wrote: »

Your other 3 dogs sound very lucky to have you as their owner. The decisions we make in difficult circumstances are the best we can do for our pets. It sounds like you did everything right and never hesitated to get professional help for your girl.

It will be tough for a while but soon you will have a big smile on your face every time you think of her.

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you. I love all my dogs like they were my children. I think that is why it has felt so hard losing her, because it was 13 years of never been parted and its coping now. I know it'll be easier in time, and its only been 3 days and I need a lot more time to come to terms with this and try remember all our happy moments.

BrigidCooley

the_syco wrote: »

Sounds like it was just her time. Nothing you could have done.

This sounds a bit like survivors guilt. You have to realize that there was nothing that you could have done, and to move on. Remember the happy memories, and play with the 3 dogs you have now.

I wont deny that is how it feels, having to go on living without my best friend and most beloved companion, who was there in the most horrible of times for me. Now she's gone I feel empty, but I know I have my 3 other babies to care for and they need much love and attention. Which, I am giving them more now, for myself and for them. I've even spent every last penny I have, after I paid for my passed dogs private cremation box, on presents for Christmas. As they like to rip paper on Christmas and cuddly toys.

I think, it is made harder by this time of year as this will be my first Christmas without her.

gimli2112

You have a wonderful way of expressing emotion in print op. Your post was terribly sad, my eyes watered a little. I hope things get easier for you, I'm sure they will, if you just be strong.gl

Tenigate

She's in a better place

BrigidCooley

gimli2112 wrote: »

You have a wonderful way of expressing emotion in print op. Your post was terribly sad, my eyes watered a little. I hope things get easier for you, I'm sure they will, if you just be strong.gl

Thank you, yeah it was hard to write but everyone has been wonderful in their reply. Which has helped, even though I'm still grieving deeply, so will take some time.

BrigidCooley

Update: It's been 5 days since my beloved dog passed away, and I'm still finding myself crying every so often during the evening when I have thoughts, or catch myself calling her, or when I'm bringing my other 3 out for a walk. Very painful. I am still feeling the pain of having to leave her into the veterinary hospital to be put on a drip, that I wasn't there in her last moments, that is crushing my heart into such wretched pain. I've also been in bed sick past couple of days, I think from the stress of losing her. I am just dreadfully unhappy, and guilty, and even though I know there were two vets and people checking on her all throughout her last night, and the vets who tried to save her as she crashed, I still feel wrought that I wasn't there in her last moments, and my last goodbye was handing her into my dad's arms and kissing her face and telling her I loved her so much and to get better. My mum was sitting in the car with her before she was brought in, and my mum loved her just as much as me, and she said she cuddled and kissed her and told her how much she was loved.

Its the thought that she would be thinking we abandoned her, left and never coming back for her. That is what is killing me inside, that she might have thought we left her, when we were trying to save her life. I'm in such turmoil, even though I know there is nothing can be done now as she was cremated and is home but those are my thoughts and my feelings at this moment.

jimf

my heart goes out to you brigid

but please try and let go the guilt you are harbouring within your broken heart you have no reason to

to grieve for your lost buddy is only normal and only you will know how long this is to continue

but please let go of the guilt you have nothing to be guilty for

BrigidCooley

jimf wrote: »

my heart goes out to you brigid

but please try and let go the guilt you are harbouring within your broken heart you have no reason to

to grieve for your lost buddy is only normal and only you will know how long this is to continue

but please let go of the guilt you have nothing to be guilty for

Thank you. I'm trying, its very hard as it is on my mind all the time, and because I didn't have the heart to see her after she'd died. I know everyone did everything they could to save her life, and even the funeral home took great care of her, I still feel like this because I wasn't there when she passed, like I was with my other animals. My first dog, had to be put to sleep,which I was there for throughout and for my 18 year old cat earlier this year who also had to be put to sleep. This was so sudden and shocking that even after her ashes have come home, I'm still in disbelief and looking for everything I missed, every symptom I should have noticed sooner, and so on and so on. I'm a terrible person for doing this, with everything in life.

I hope I'm able to get through this eventually, but this is so very hard.

Thank you though, you're very kind and I do understand, but I'm not thinking logically at the moment.

jimf

I wasn't there for one of mine either when the decision was made I was about 3 hours drive away

but I trusted the vets 100% when they said she was struggling and there was no more they could do

one of the girls in the vets who she knew well was with and held her in her final moments as she slipped away peacefully

did it make me feel any better yes but only in a small way

you always want the best for them and its only natural to have regrets but life isn't always ideal is it

look after yourself now and your other dogs will get you over the line in time

of course its not the best time of year for this to happen but is there ever a good time

BrigidCooley

jimf wrote: »

I wasn't there for one of mine either when the decision was made I was about 3 hours drive away

but I trusted the vets 100% when they said she was struggling and there was no more they could do

one of the girls in the vets who she knew well was with and held her in her final moments as she slipped away peacefully

did it make me feel any better yes but only in a small way

you always want the best for them and its only natural to have regrets but life isn't always ideal is it

look after yourself now and your other dogs will get you over the line in time

of course its not the best time of year for this to happen but is there ever a good time

There never would have been a good time to lose her, and I know she wasn't completely alone when she died, as the two vets were there but because we were never separated I just don't want to think that her last moments was her wondering why we weren't there with her. I know I can't keep thinking like that, or I don't know if that is silly to think, but I'm a very overly emotional person anyway and I suffer with anxiety and depression so it becomes overwhelming when I think of these things. Even though I know it doesn't change anything now.

razorblunt

Needless guilt, which is obviously hard to see now, but in time you'll see that you've done all you could for you dog both through the illness and it's life.

Hug your other dogs extra tight . I wish you well.

BrigidCooley

razorblunt wrote: »

Needless guilt, which is obviously hard to see now, but in time you'll see that you've done all you could for you dog both through the illness and it's life.

Hug your other dogs extra tight . I wish you well.

I know, deep down I know myself and my family did what we thought was right to save her. I'll get through it, just hard at the moment, but I appreciate your comment. And I will hug my other dogs extra tight with lots of love.

Bellingham

When my beautiful boy died earlier this year I bought this book from Amazon: Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet. It has a big picture of a cat on the front but all of the content could be applied to losing any beloved pet and it helped me to read it. Nothing takes away the loss when you have a special bond with your pet but time passing helps. I have a new dog now who I love dearly and has helped to fill the gap in my life left by Ziggy but nothing will ever replace him and that special relationship that we had. I still have massive regrets about his end of life and feel that I should have done things differently but I was once told that regret is inevitable when we loose someone/something that we love as we cannot go back and change anything. Take heart, read the book and time will help.

BrigidCooley

Bellingham wrote: »

When my beautiful boy died earlier this year I bought this book from Amazon: Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet. It has a big picture of a cat on the front but all of the content could be applied to losing any beloved pet and it helped me to read it. Nothing takes away the loss when you have a special bond with your pet but time passing helps. I have a new dog now who I love dearly and has helped to fill the gap in my life left by Ziggy but nothing will ever replace him and that special relationship that we had. I still have massive regrets about his end of life and feel that I should have done things differently but I was once told that regret is inevitable when we loose someone/something that we love as we cannot go back and change anything. Take heart, read the book and time will help.

Thank you for replying, and I will definitely look for that book. Anything that helps is appreciated at this moment.