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Problems with new BF and his ex

OldNotWIse

Looking for some advice.

I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of months. We were acquaintances for a long time and then started seeing each other. Everything really feels so right with him, and we get along so well and largely share a lot of the same values, plans for the future etc.

He has an ex and two young teenage children that he still lives with. It would appear that he pretty much does everything for his ex - he works full time, pays the mortgage, bills, does all the washing, ironing, cooking, being there for the kids, minding them when she goes out etc. When we spend time together, it has to be organized well in advance so that it is actually feasible. Even though he has a great job, he is always broke because his ex appears to be a total leech.

I don't particularly care for someone who has a lot of money etc. but I do find it annoying when there are constant limitations put on our nights out because of him being broke - even though he clears twice my salary.

I'm somewhat torn as to how to deal with this. We get on so well and I really like him so I don't particularly want to come across as some unreasonable blow in who starts putting a gun to his head or dictating how he spends his time and money. I am also not privy to the dynamics of the relationship with his ex. In addition, at least he is a great dad and has stepped up to his responsibilities.

On the other hand, I think his relationship with his ex becomes my business when it starts to affect my life, and I have to effectively carve my plans out around hers. And thinking longer term, if we were to have a future, how could we even consider kids in his current living and financial situation?

Would appreciate some outside views please (and thank you)

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kylith

I'd say a reasonable first step would be for him to spend at least a full day with you, not a couple of hours.

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Big Bag of Chips

You still only have his word for things though. So you don't actually know for sure that they have had any such discussions or she is indeed looking for alternative accommodation. According to your first posts she's take take take. She's "a leech". He does everything. He's broke because of her. He can't have a night out because of her. And now suddenly she's very reasonable and dignified and is looking for alternatives for them all that will benefit everyone as much as possible? Is she likely to easily give up that cushy number of she is as bad as he has been making out?

Be wary of him. That's all I'm saying. He seems to be saying what he thinks you need to hear.

OldNotWIse

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Well I assume it's coming up on Christmas and I probably wouldn't be having the conversation this side of January either. I thought it was reasonable enough. The fact that she is looking at alternatives is something I guess. I know he needs to get his sh*t together and I am not denying that for a second, but I am acutely aware that we are still relatively early on and I while I will put it out there if there is something getting to me, I don't want to be just barreling in and calling all the shots and saying what needs to be done and when. it's hard to find a balance

woodchuck

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To be fair, December is crazy busy for most people. Especially when you have kids.

OP that conversation sounds promising! I guess you just have to wait and see if he'll put his money where his mouth is.

Tbh it's not a situation I'd want to get involved in myself, but well done for the having the courage to bring the issue up with him.

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OldNotWIse

We had a conversation about this earlier today. I was afraid that bringing it up again would send him running (but then again if it does, that tells me everything I need to know), but that also I was a realist and we are both adults and we needed to talk about it. He said that he has no intention of messing me around and he is planning to have a conversation with her in January about mediation and finding a way forward. He said they both want to get to a point where they have their own place and have proper financial and custody arrangements in place. I said (which is true) that I am not going to put a gun to his head and demand that he just ups and pulls the plug straight away - especially with kids involved, but that long term, things do need to change. He said that his ex has already been looking around the market to see what is feasible for them e.g. she stays and he rents but reduces payments, or they sell and both start again. At least they are having the conversation. He said she always accepted that when he/she met someone else that they want to move on with, that this would be a reality and something to work through.

Maybe I am a fool, but I do believe he is trying his best and if he puts his money where his mouth is and there are changes in the new year, things could work for us. In all other things we are so good together, and I want to at least know that I was honest with him about what I want, and gave it my best.

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

This would be a fantastic first step.

Then again, as another poster said - he should be doing this off his own bat anyway. Like, I think I would be happy if I say, "hey guess what, you are being unreasonable - you gotta do X" and then he does X, but in reality - shouldn't he be doing X of his own volition anyway? :rolleyes:

Honestly it is a huge step. It is uncertain. He's not to know whether she will be amicable if he starts the process,regardless of how willing and amicable she may seem in the beginning. Right now he has his family and he has a wonderful understanding girlfriend. He gets to live with his kids and see you. Mediation can open a can of worms that aren't necessarily about their feelings for each other. Right now he has a degree of flexibility re access and finance, if it is formalised then he may lose that flexibility and that can be really daunting especially in his position as a man/father and his rights (lackthereof) as such. And the sole earner. It would give him more freedom in other ways of course but it is a huge uncertainty for him about fairly huge stuff so it's understandable that he is apprehensive about rocking the boat. Nobody likes change even if it does come with positive change- it's fear of the unknown.

Ursus Horribilis

All you can do is try. Has he sought professional advice for this? As in, going to a financial advisor and a solicitor.

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

Perhaps him making an appointment with her for mediation to formalize an agreement and agree on steps for separating physically? If they haven't already done that?

This would be a fantastic first step.

Then again, as another poster said - he should be doing this off his own bat anyway. Like, I think I would be happy if I say, "hey guess what, you are being unreasonable - you gotta do X" and then he does X, but in reality - shouldn't he be doing X of his own volition anyway? :rolleyes:

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

This is a great idea. I will definitely be writing this stuff down. Can I ask (and I know it s different for everyone, and I respect that a lot of people here wouldn't touch this with a barge pole anyway) but what the consensus would be on a "right" time i.e. what is reasonable? I would personally think ok Christmas is a bad time but definitely early in the new year so before the end of January. Not that he has to have moved but steps taken.

In relation to steps taken - I haven't given much thought to what those steps would actually be. I suppose having the conversation with his ex about them living separately. The house is in negative equity so I don't know if they can sell, or if it would be feasible for him to rent his own place and leave her there, coming to some arrangement on the mortgage. He already pays 2,200 per month.

It's so different for everybody. In the relationship I was in the main thing I wanted to see was clear boundaries- not allowing her to just waltz into his house as if it were hers (it was never hers yet she treated it like it was since it was her children's home), being clear to her if she rang asking him to come over to do something for the child (saying stuff like "no I am busy with neonsofa, my next day with the kids is thursday,I can do it then"),things that are actually very simple but they clearly define boundaries and that is what is needed. Which is very difficult when they're still living together. Even quantifying that is difficult isn't it?

Perhaps a clear schedule of days set aside ti spend with you? That he actively sets aside days each week to see you and that he doesn't reschedule these for housework etc. It is up to the mother to schedule around those dates herself if she needs assistance at home. It kinda takes the romance out if things but so does him cutting dates short to go wash up for his ex.

Perhaps him making an appointment with her for mediation to formalize an agreement and agree on steps for separating physically? If they haven't already done that?

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

He shouldn't need an ultimatum to get himself in order- if he wants to move forward with you then he will do what is necessary for that. So absolutely have a frank discussion about your needs but I would be having your own conversation with yourself about what you're willing to accept and for how long. That's just my 2 cents from bitter experience of giving things a shot way beyond what was deserved.

This is a great idea. I will definitely be writing this stuff down. Can I ask (and I know it s different for everyone, and I respect that a lot of people here wouldn't touch this with a barge pole anyway) but what the consensus would be on a "right" time i.e. what is reasonable? I would personally think ok Christmas is a bad time but definitely early in the new year so before the end of January. Not that he has to have moved but steps taken.

In relation to steps taken - I haven't given much thought to what those steps would actually be. I suppose having the conversation with his ex about them living separately. The house is in negative equity so I don't know if they can sell, or if it would be feasible for him to rent his own place and leave her there, coming to some arrangement on the mortgage. He already pays 2,200 per month.

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

I would be firm with yourself on this ONW. Know your limitations, know when enough is enough and even put all this on paper in a diary or whatever if you have to. So that if you're questioning things again in the future,possibly due to no progress, you can look at things pragmatically and say "look I gave It this chance, none of this has changed and I promised I'd walk, I set certain standards for the relationship and for my future and now I'm not going to let them slip". It is very easy to give things a chance and then slowly over time you let things slide until a year later it's still the same and you are no happier but you've given it that much time so you may as well continue. So i would set your own ultimatum. Not communicate this to him, just have in your head,if I haven't seen X,Y or Z happening by whenever, or I still feel X,Y and Z by whatever date then I am going to walk away.

He shouldn't need an ultimatum to get himself in order- if he wants to move forward with you then he will do what is necessary for that. So absolutely have a frank discussion about your needs but I would be having your own conversation with yourself about what you're willing to accept and for how long. That's just my 2 cents from bitter experience of giving things a shot way beyond what was deserved.

tomwaterford

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

I don't think yous sound like a mug,

Given the fact he wasn't dating,negative equity,price of rent etc in dublin (I presume?),

wanted to be close to the kids....it's not unreasonable him still living there,I'd imagine such a scenario is alot more common than most people imagine

His wife knows and is happy for him,so at least your not be battling againest her,however long you wish to wait about for things to change is another thing though?

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OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

neonsofa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do they *really* know about her though?

That's why I said I dunno if she has verified this.

Ursus Horribilis

neonsofa wrote: »

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Do they *really* know about her though?

neonsofa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You say you don't go out because he's always broke. Could it be you don't go out because people, including his wife, don't know he's separated?

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Big Bag of Chips

You say you don't go out because he's always broke. Could it be you don't go out because people, including his wife, don't know he's separated?

Purple Mountain

Just ask yourself these questions OP..

What would you say to your best friend in this situation?

Are you happy to introduce this man to your parents/siblings/friends right now and for them to know of his living/family arrangements?

Emme

I have read through this thread and something seems very off about this man and his family situation.

Does his "ex" know he is seeing somebody? Really?

You don't seem to have a proper relationship (yet), you just listen to his woes and dare I say it, empty promises.

What difference is there between this man and the average married chancer looking for a bit on the side, apart from the fact ye haven't had sex yet?

My advice - cut loose, run for the hills and find somebody who's available for a proper relationship. Better still, sort yourself out and build up your self-confidence. This man is an emotional leech who has nothing to give you but grief. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

erica74

OP this makes sad reading and I hope you are not so involved that you feel you can't pull back. I also think you are taking all of the advice (as harsh as some of it is) on the chin with maturity.

You deserve a full relationship with someone who is fully invested in you and in nurturing a relationship with you. Aside from the whole is he/isn't he actually separated debate, he doesn't sound like he's emotionally stable or mature and that alone is enough baggage for someone to deal with in a relationship.
You deserve better.

Ursus Horribilis

Even if this guy's marriage is genuinely over, he is in no position to date anybody. He has absolutely nothing to offer any romantic partner and if he thinks otherwise, he is deluding himself. No woman is going to tolerate this situation indefinitely. If he wants this relationship with you as much as you want it with him, then it's time for him to get off the fence. At the moment he's only playing at being in a relationship with you. I'm not necessarily a fan of ultimatums but I believe it's time for one here.

allym

Also as someone else said the whole “living together for the sake of the kids, she’s useless and won’t do anything” is the oldest story in the book. I’d be very surprised if she even knows there’s anything wrong in their relationship never mind that you’re on the scene.

allym

He’s not separated. He can say he is all he likes, he’s not.

As you said they might not be sleeping together (but could well be) but for all intents and purposes they’re together.

Your worth more than being someone’s last option for a few hours of their time. You’re not a priority for him and you won’t be

okiss

Your only in your early 30's and you involved with a man in his 40's. This man has told you he is separated for the past 4 years but he is still living in the marital home with his wife and 2 teenagers. Along with this he is doing all the laundry, ironing, cleaning and still minding the kids when his wife goes out. How can she go out if she is suffering from depression? I have a friend who has depression and when it gets bad they would not feel like going out.

This man has also said he has no money but he still went on a 2 week sun holiday with his wife and teenaged kids.
If he has the money to do this why has he made no move on getting his current situation sorted out? I could not imagine living in a house with my ex wife/husband 4 years after a marriage brake up.

He can only see you twice a week and then he is running home to do laundry. If he was serious about you he would be making an effort to sort out his situation.

He has said to you that you and him will have a baby in a year or 2. I know several couples who are in their 40's with teenage kids and none of them want another baby. They have gone through the sleepness nights and getting a child through primary school. They are now dealing with teenage hormones, the JC and leaving cert and worrying will their kids get into college and putting money aside to pay for this.

My feeling is this man likes having you in his life. Your their to listen to him complain about his life. He has sex twice a week. He is telling you what you want to hear but is making no effort to change his situation.
If he moves out of the marital home he has to fund that house along where you and him are going to live.
His kids will need to put through college so how will he fund this when his wife is not working?

I know it's not easy to walk away but look at some of the posts here and think what kind of life do you want in 5 years time? Do you still want to be waiting for him to leave the family home? Do you want to work full-time if you have a baby with him? Do you want to live in a rental house or apartment because you and him can't get a mortgage? Do you want to be paying all the bills because his kids are both in college and he has no spare funds?

How would you feel in your late 30's without a family due to wasting time with him now?

My advice is to end things with him. I know it is not easy to walk away when you care about someone but at this stage of your life you want to meet a man you can have a family with. This man does not want another baby. Along with this he is not spending much time with you. He is making no effort to change his current cumstaces or to move on with his life getting legal advice or leaving the family home.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it's not nice to hear bad things about your relationship, and when all is said and done none of us know the finer and intimate details of your relationship. Maybe some of the replies are way off and not relevant to you at all. But people react to and comment on what you have posted.

All people are advising you is to be careful with this situation. He might be the nicest most genuine fella you know. He might have every intention of setting up home with you. But, at the moment he is not making you a priority. Your relationship is not a priority. For God sake, laundry is more of a priority to him than spending what limited time he has with you!!! Think about that. If he's doing it for the sake of peace with his wife, will that be the case for any future relationship you'll have together. Will you always be dropped to keep the peace with her?

Has she ever worked? If not, then I don't understand why he's so short of money now. Surely this is the way things have always been, and they've managed on one wage for years.

Are you "out" as a couple? Do people know? And not just people he's told you that know. Actual people who know you both. Work colleagues? His family? Your family? His friends? Your friends? People tend to have their own 'dealbreakers' in relationships. And what might be perfectly acceptable to one person might be an absolute no for someone else. So nobody can tell you what you should and shouldn't be happy with.

However, people are advising you to exercise caution and maybe not invest too much in this fella whilst you're not getting a whole lot in return.

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

lol the cheek, actually we haven't done that yet as I wanted to wait and he is happy enough to wait until I am ready.

Even if he was only coming over for a couple of hours wgich is spent having sex....spending the time ye have being intimate with each other, if that is what ye both wanted, does not necessarily equate to him just using you for that one thing; if its time spent doing what ye both want then that's valuable couple time imo and isn't necessarily indicative of anybody's intentions.

Maybe I'm naive in that way of thinking but imo a couple who are only together a few months, especially if they have waited beforehand like you have, would naturally want to spend a lot of time being intimate like that.

QueenRizla

OldNotWIse wrote: »

lol the cheek, actually we haven't done that yet as I wanted to wait and he is happy enough to wait until I am ready.

OP, so ye are’nt going out doing stuff socially cause he is broke, there’s no sex but he has someone to unburden his woes to and vent about his wife/situation to for a few measly hours a week, seriously what are you getting out of this beyond empty promises of a family in the next year before he rushes off to do laundry. That is not a relationship. You are an unpaid therapist.
And seriously you’ve talked about committing to having a family with this guy but not ready to have sex?
And why do you see it as cheeky that I asked about sex, be honest with yourself, ask yourself if you are in a promising adult relationship with someone committed to you, spending time with you and concerned for your well being. He sounds like a selfish asshole and you are buying it.