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Problems with new BF and his ex

OldNotWIse

Looking for some advice.

I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of months. We were acquaintances for a long time and then started seeing each other. Everything really feels so right with him, and we get along so well and largely share a lot of the same values, plans for the future etc.

He has an ex and two young teenage children that he still lives with. It would appear that he pretty much does everything for his ex - he works full time, pays the mortgage, bills, does all the washing, ironing, cooking, being there for the kids, minding them when she goes out etc. When we spend time together, it has to be organized well in advance so that it is actually feasible. Even though he has a great job, he is always broke because his ex appears to be a total leech.

I don't particularly care for someone who has a lot of money etc. but I do find it annoying when there are constant limitations put on our nights out because of him being broke - even though he clears twice my salary.

I'm somewhat torn as to how to deal with this. We get on so well and I really like him so I don't particularly want to come across as some unreasonable blow in who starts putting a gun to his head or dictating how he spends his time and money. I am also not privy to the dynamics of the relationship with his ex. In addition, at least he is a great dad and has stepped up to his responsibilities.

On the other hand, I think his relationship with his ex becomes my business when it starts to affect my life, and I have to effectively carve my plans out around hers. And thinking longer term, if we were to have a future, how could we even consider kids in his current living and financial situation?

Would appreciate some outside views please (and thank you)

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joeguevara

You have being seeing each other a couple of months. His kids take precedence over a short term relationship. I understand you know each other for longer but if someone was putting pressure and Having children questions and talking long term after such a short term I’d be worried. Maybe I am wrong but this seems to be getting too serious too quick. You are talking about financials etc way too early.

leggo

joeguevara wrote: »

You have being seeing each other a couple of months. His kids take precedence over a short term relationship. I understand you know each other for longer but if someone was putting pressure and Having children questions and talking long term after such a short term I’d be worried. Maybe I am wrong but this seems to be getting too serious too quick. You are talking about financials etc way too early.

Not really. I think once most people hit their 30's, most single people don't really care as much for messing around and only put their time into relationships they can see as having the potential to go the distance. You're also more experienced and know what you want out of life, so you can spot stuff quicker. So when you spot something that may be a hindrance to a relationship working, you don't just put up with it and see how it goes the way you might when you're in your 20's and figuring out what exactly you want from life.

One thing I definitely wouldn't question the OP for is asking questions about this situation, every thing she's asking seems to be dead on the money. The alternative is "waste your time in a relationship that's going nowhere"...do you think that's the preferable option in the name of following some BS 'rules' about when you're supposed to think about certain things?! The chap has had years to sort his life out. The fact he hasn't until now is absolutely on the table for discussion if he wants to allow people into his life.

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QueenRizla

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yup guilty as charged

OP, mind yourself, you are really selling yourself short with this one. The fact you are just out of an abusive relationship is concerning. You need time to build up yourself. This guy is living with his wife (not separated), grabs a few hours a week with you that he cuts short to go home and wash clothes, he is so broke he can’t do anything, Jesus that would be a dealbreaker never mind the wifey bit!! And you are talking babies with him?..
Neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. If you were my friend I’d be really concerned, you are going from the frying pan to the fire. Have you spoke to a good friend?
Can I ask if ye don’t go out cause he is broke, is your few hours a week him calling to yours for sex?

Dark Phoenix

Op I had to reply as I was in a similar situation years ago and it was horrible. I met a guy in work (sound familiar?) and he was flirty and friendly with me. I was flattered as I was lacking in self worth and having someone actually fancy me and feel good about myself was a big thing. he had a child and an ex - grand. He lived with the child and the ex. The ex didn't work and as such this poor man was exhausted from working all day and then looking after the child at night. he was broke as well from funding it all. He had me and the rest of the people who knew him in work eating out of the palm of his hand - my god he would make you broken hearted for him! Long story short OP I got out of there after about a year and half at that stage he owed me money (which I have never gotten back) and was expecting another child with his ex. It was all lies but the thing is these people they have themselves convinced its true so they will convince you as well. They could tell you black was white and you would believe it. This lad it turned out was continually fighting with his ex but they were not seperated - they lived together FFS they were just an argumentative couple. Yes she didnt work but actually the house was hers - she had another kid by another guy so she got the house from the council so he wasnt actually paying a penny in fact he shoukdnt have been living there with her claiming single mother. he was broke more so due to his drinking and his recreational drug habit. His ex was actually quite a nice girl. yes she didnt work but she had two kids and was living off benefits and not getting any money off him. She also reared the kids as he did sweet FA to help. She was far from the lazy do nothing he wanted to brand her as while he was getting the ride on the side.

First OP you may not realise it but you are vulnerable. You have been I believe from what someone else said further up in a bad relationship before so you dont value yourself - your attractive, employed and without any baggage but rather than seeing yourself as the prize you are you you seek out and are grateful for anyone who will have you and will allow any and all flaws on their side while still picking on yourself. Its impossible to see something when you are in it - you need some time to yourself away from this mess to see whats going on and to think about what YOU want. You also need to believe that there are good men out there who dont cheat and lie and involve a truckload of drama.Its hard to believe this when you know only bad relationships - I know ive been there I was in a bad relationship for ten years after I broke up with the character above (what can I say I sure know how to pick them). Im now finally with someone who isnt perfect but actually values me as a person and makes me feel like I am enough just as I am.It took me a long time to get used to being treated well by someone.
This mad your with - firstly if he honestly spends as much time as he claims cleaning up after two teenagers then all three of them need a swift kick up the hole! Honestly think about that - he has to run home to do laundry for his teenagers because his wife doesnt do it? have they no other clothes? has to go home because the wife is asking him where he is more like. Its a sob story pure and simple designed to make you feel sorry for him and the hard life he claims he has.

As for being seperated - his wife knows. hmm - did you tell her? Did you meet her? or did he just tell you he told her? His family - have you met them as his girlfriend? or did he tell you he told them as well? he is living willingly with his ex and two teenagers with no intention of changing it and meanwhile the scraps from the table he feeds you are one evening a week after work (he has probably told her he has to work late or has a hobby) and at the weekned for a few hours (probably out with the lads or helping a friend). Ask yourself OP - do you not deserve better than these little scraps of time wit someone who will suddenly speed off 'home' because his teenager needs a clean tshirt so urgently that he has to drop everything. As for the two weeks sun holiday - ah yeah because teenagers are usually devastated if they dont have two weeks with their parents.

The wife - please stop judging this woman - shes probably not actually half as bad as he makes out. He is painting her in the worst possible light because a) he can claim thats where all his money goes (do you end up paying for most things such as dinner / drinks / cinema because the poor mans wife spend all his cash?), b) your less likely to want to meet her (which is great for him) and c) you will feel sorry for him.

Sorry to be so harsh OP but like I said ive been there before and its a horrible situation that I wouldnt wish on anyone. I know what its like to want to be loved so much that you will accept anything and everything and put up with any amount of sh*t but please stop doing it as it will hurt you more the longer you do. . You really need to get out of there, take some time to yourself and think about what you want in life and make a plan to spend some time alone and if you ever start dating again to insist to yourself that it is with someone who respects you and can make you happy.

OldNotWIse

QueenRizla wrote: »

OP, mind yourself, you are really selling yourself short with this one. The fact you are just out of an abusive relationship is concerning. You need time to build up yourself. This guy is living with his wife (not separated), grabs a few hours a week with you that he cuts short to go home and wash clothes, he is so broke he can’t do anything, Jesus that would be a dealbreaker never mind the wifey bit!! And you are talking babies with him?..
Neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. If you were my friend I’d be really concerned, you are going from the frying pan to the fire. Have you spoke to a good friend?
Can I ask if ye don’t go out cause he is broke, is your few hours a week him calling to yours for sex?

lol the cheek, actually we haven't done that yet as I wanted to wait and he is happy enough to wait until I am ready.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

OP, can I ask that you not repost entire posts when replying. I have had to snip many of your posts as you quoted entire, very lengthy posts. If you a replying to a specific question or quote it is sufficient to only quote the line rather than the entire post.

Nobody rereads the whole post and it makes navigating the thread very cumbersome for users of the touch site.

Thanks.
BBoC

OldNotWIse

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Mod Note:

OP, can I ask that you not repost entire posts when replying.
BBoC

Sure, apologies.

QueenRizla

OldNotWIse wrote: »

lol the cheek, actually we haven't done that yet as I wanted to wait and he is happy enough to wait until I am ready.

OP, so ye are’nt going out doing stuff socially cause he is broke, there’s no sex but he has someone to unburden his woes to and vent about his wife/situation to for a few measly hours a week, seriously what are you getting out of this beyond empty promises of a family in the next year before he rushes off to do laundry. That is not a relationship. You are an unpaid therapist.
And seriously you’ve talked about committing to having a family with this guy but not ready to have sex?
And why do you see it as cheeky that I asked about sex, be honest with yourself, ask yourself if you are in a promising adult relationship with someone committed to you, spending time with you and concerned for your well being. He sounds like a selfish asshole and you are buying it.

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

lol the cheek, actually we haven't done that yet as I wanted to wait and he is happy enough to wait until I am ready.

Even if he was only coming over for a couple of hours wgich is spent having sex....spending the time ye have being intimate with each other, if that is what ye both wanted, does not necessarily equate to him just using you for that one thing; if its time spent doing what ye both want then that's valuable couple time imo and isn't necessarily indicative of anybody's intentions.

Maybe I'm naive in that way of thinking but imo a couple who are only together a few months, especially if they have waited beforehand like you have, would naturally want to spend a lot of time being intimate like that.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it's not nice to hear bad things about your relationship, and when all is said and done none of us know the finer and intimate details of your relationship. Maybe some of the replies are way off and not relevant to you at all. But people react to and comment on what you have posted.

All people are advising you is to be careful with this situation. He might be the nicest most genuine fella you know. He might have every intention of setting up home with you. But, at the moment he is not making you a priority. Your relationship is not a priority. For God sake, laundry is more of a priority to him than spending what limited time he has with you!!! Think about that. If he's doing it for the sake of peace with his wife, will that be the case for any future relationship you'll have together. Will you always be dropped to keep the peace with her?

Has she ever worked? If not, then I don't understand why he's so short of money now. Surely this is the way things have always been, and they've managed on one wage for years.

Are you "out" as a couple? Do people know? And not just people he's told you that know. Actual people who know you both. Work colleagues? His family? Your family? His friends? Your friends? People tend to have their own 'dealbreakers' in relationships. And what might be perfectly acceptable to one person might be an absolute no for someone else. So nobody can tell you what you should and shouldn't be happy with.

However, people are advising you to exercise caution and maybe not invest too much in this fella whilst you're not getting a whole lot in return.

okiss

Your only in your early 30's and you involved with a man in his 40's. This man has told you he is separated for the past 4 years but he is still living in the marital home with his wife and 2 teenagers. Along with this he is doing all the laundry, ironing, cleaning and still minding the kids when his wife goes out. How can she go out if she is suffering from depression? I have a friend who has depression and when it gets bad they would not feel like going out.

This man has also said he has no money but he still went on a 2 week sun holiday with his wife and teenaged kids.
If he has the money to do this why has he made no move on getting his current situation sorted out? I could not imagine living in a house with my ex wife/husband 4 years after a marriage brake up.

He can only see you twice a week and then he is running home to do laundry. If he was serious about you he would be making an effort to sort out his situation.

He has said to you that you and him will have a baby in a year or 2. I know several couples who are in their 40's with teenage kids and none of them want another baby. They have gone through the sleepness nights and getting a child through primary school. They are now dealing with teenage hormones, the JC and leaving cert and worrying will their kids get into college and putting money aside to pay for this.

My feeling is this man likes having you in his life. Your their to listen to him complain about his life. He has sex twice a week. He is telling you what you want to hear but is making no effort to change his situation.
If he moves out of the marital home he has to fund that house along where you and him are going to live.
His kids will need to put through college so how will he fund this when his wife is not working?

I know it's not easy to walk away but look at some of the posts here and think what kind of life do you want in 5 years time? Do you still want to be waiting for him to leave the family home? Do you want to work full-time if you have a baby with him? Do you want to live in a rental house or apartment because you and him can't get a mortgage? Do you want to be paying all the bills because his kids are both in college and he has no spare funds?

How would you feel in your late 30's without a family due to wasting time with him now?

My advice is to end things with him. I know it is not easy to walk away when you care about someone but at this stage of your life you want to meet a man you can have a family with. This man does not want another baby. Along with this he is not spending much time with you. He is making no effort to change his current cumstaces or to move on with his life getting legal advice or leaving the family home.

allym

He’s not separated. He can say he is all he likes, he’s not.

As you said they might not be sleeping together (but could well be) but for all intents and purposes they’re together.

Your worth more than being someone’s last option for a few hours of their time. You’re not a priority for him and you won’t be

allym

Also as someone else said the whole “living together for the sake of the kids, she’s useless and won’t do anything” is the oldest story in the book. I’d be very surprised if she even knows there’s anything wrong in their relationship never mind that you’re on the scene.

Ursus Horribilis

Even if this guy's marriage is genuinely over, he is in no position to date anybody. He has absolutely nothing to offer any romantic partner and if he thinks otherwise, he is deluding himself. No woman is going to tolerate this situation indefinitely. If he wants this relationship with you as much as you want it with him, then it's time for him to get off the fence. At the moment he's only playing at being in a relationship with you. I'm not necessarily a fan of ultimatums but I believe it's time for one here.

erica74

OP this makes sad reading and I hope you are not so involved that you feel you can't pull back. I also think you are taking all of the advice (as harsh as some of it is) on the chin with maturity.

You deserve a full relationship with someone who is fully invested in you and in nurturing a relationship with you. Aside from the whole is he/isn't he actually separated debate, he doesn't sound like he's emotionally stable or mature and that alone is enough baggage for someone to deal with in a relationship.
You deserve better.

Emme

I have read through this thread and something seems very off about this man and his family situation.

Does his "ex" know he is seeing somebody? Really?

You don't seem to have a proper relationship (yet), you just listen to his woes and dare I say it, empty promises.

What difference is there between this man and the average married chancer looking for a bit on the side, apart from the fact ye haven't had sex yet?

My advice - cut loose, run for the hills and find somebody who's available for a proper relationship. Better still, sort yourself out and build up your self-confidence. This man is an emotional leech who has nothing to give you but grief. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

Purple Mountain

Just ask yourself these questions OP..

What would you say to your best friend in this situation?

Are you happy to introduce this man to your parents/siblings/friends right now and for them to know of his living/family arrangements?

Big Bag of Chips

You say you don't go out because he's always broke. Could it be you don't go out because people, including his wife, don't know he's separated?

neonsofa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You say you don't go out because he's always broke. Could it be you don't go out because people, including his wife, don't know he's separated?

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Ursus Horribilis

neonsofa wrote: »

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Do they *really* know about her though?

neonsofa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do they *really* know about her though?

That's why I said I dunno if she has verified this.

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

Op says that the wife and friends know about her. Whether she has verified this I don't know.

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

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tomwaterford

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

I don't think yous sound like a mug,

Given the fact he wasn't dating,negative equity,price of rent etc in dublin (I presume?),

wanted to be close to the kids....it's not unreasonable him still living there,I'd imagine such a scenario is alot more common than most people imagine

His wife knows and is happy for him,so at least your not be battling againest her,however long you wish to wait about for things to change is another thing though?

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes this is true. They do know. I have also met several of his close friends and some of their mutual friends. In fact, I was out with him and a mutual friend of him and his wife at the weekend, and we got talking about it (I work with this girl and we get on fairly well). She told me that his wife knows about me, is happy for him and is trying to get to a point where they can live separately and both move on (she has had relationships since they split up too). I wonder if he is concerned that when they get to that point, it will interfere with his access to the kids? Because she mentioned getting her own place for her and the kids, and him getting his own place.

I know I sound like a mug, I genuinely do not believe that they are still together, that anything is going on between them and that she does know they have split up - his parents even know they have split up.

That said, it doesn't solve the problem of his living situation. I do really like this guy and I want to give it a chance. I think I will have the conversation with him again i.e. of you don't start taking actual, positive steps to change your situation then we have no future, and then if in the new year there are no signs of said changes, I'm done. I want to give myself (and him) this chance.

I would be firm with yourself on this ONW. Know your limitations, know when enough is enough and even put all this on paper in a diary or whatever if you have to. So that if you're questioning things again in the future,possibly due to no progress, you can look at things pragmatically and say "look I gave It this chance, none of this has changed and I promised I'd walk, I set certain standards for the relationship and for my future and now I'm not going to let them slip". It is very easy to give things a chance and then slowly over time you let things slide until a year later it's still the same and you are no happier but you've given it that much time so you may as well continue. So i would set your own ultimatum. Not communicate this to him, just have in your head,if I haven't seen X,Y or Z happening by whenever, or I still feel X,Y and Z by whatever date then I am going to walk away.

He shouldn't need an ultimatum to get himself in order- if he wants to move forward with you then he will do what is necessary for that. So absolutely have a frank discussion about your needs but I would be having your own conversation with yourself about what you're willing to accept and for how long. That's just my 2 cents from bitter experience of giving things a shot way beyond what was deserved.

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

He shouldn't need an ultimatum to get himself in order- if he wants to move forward with you then he will do what is necessary for that. So absolutely have a frank discussion about your needs but I would be having your own conversation with yourself about what you're willing to accept and for how long. That's just my 2 cents from bitter experience of giving things a shot way beyond what was deserved.

This is a great idea. I will definitely be writing this stuff down. Can I ask (and I know it s different for everyone, and I respect that a lot of people here wouldn't touch this with a barge pole anyway) but what the consensus would be on a "right" time i.e. what is reasonable? I would personally think ok Christmas is a bad time but definitely early in the new year so before the end of January. Not that he has to have moved but steps taken.

In relation to steps taken - I haven't given much thought to what those steps would actually be. I suppose having the conversation with his ex about them living separately. The house is in negative equity so I don't know if they can sell, or if it would be feasible for him to rent his own place and leave her there, coming to some arrangement on the mortgage. He already pays 2,200 per month.

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

This is a great idea. I will definitely be writing this stuff down. Can I ask (and I know it s different for everyone, and I respect that a lot of people here wouldn't touch this with a barge pole anyway) but what the consensus would be on a "right" time i.e. what is reasonable? I would personally think ok Christmas is a bad time but definitely early in the new year so before the end of January. Not that he has to have moved but steps taken.

In relation to steps taken - I haven't given much thought to what those steps would actually be. I suppose having the conversation with his ex about them living separately. The house is in negative equity so I don't know if they can sell, or if it would be feasible for him to rent his own place and leave her there, coming to some arrangement on the mortgage. He already pays 2,200 per month.

It's so different for everybody. In the relationship I was in the main thing I wanted to see was clear boundaries- not allowing her to just waltz into his house as if it were hers (it was never hers yet she treated it like it was since it was her children's home), being clear to her if she rang asking him to come over to do something for the child (saying stuff like "no I am busy with neonsofa, my next day with the kids is thursday,I can do it then"),things that are actually very simple but they clearly define boundaries and that is what is needed. Which is very difficult when they're still living together. Even quantifying that is difficult isn't it?

Perhaps a clear schedule of days set aside ti spend with you? That he actively sets aside days each week to see you and that he doesn't reschedule these for housework etc. It is up to the mother to schedule around those dates herself if she needs assistance at home. It kinda takes the romance out if things but so does him cutting dates short to go wash up for his ex.

Perhaps him making an appointment with her for mediation to formalize an agreement and agree on steps for separating physically? If they haven't already done that?

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

Perhaps him making an appointment with her for mediation to formalize an agreement and agree on steps for separating physically? If they haven't already done that?

This would be a fantastic first step.

Then again, as another poster said - he should be doing this off his own bat anyway. Like, I think I would be happy if I say, "hey guess what, you are being unreasonable - you gotta do X" and then he does X, but in reality - shouldn't he be doing X of his own volition anyway? :rolleyes:

Ursus Horribilis

All you can do is try. Has he sought professional advice for this? As in, going to a financial advisor and a solicitor.