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Clever responses you wish you had said at the time

fricatus

We've all been there, but there are silly comments and disingenuous questions that people come out with regularly, and it's good to be prepared.

So here's my contribution: I'm out cutting the grass, and someone shouts over "you can do mine next!"
- "You couldn't afford my hourly fee!" (that's the best I could do myself... not great better than a mangled, insincere "haha!")

Here's a nice one I heard a girl in work come out with when her manager saw her arriving in a fancy new car:
"I'm obviously paying you too much!"
- "It's a good thing I have family money, because I'd be driving a 12-year-old Micra if I had to live on what I get here!"

One I read in a crime novel, when a prosecutor was trying to imply that a witness moved in dodgy circles: "so it's fair to say you'd know how to get your hands on a weapon?"
- "No more than yourself Counsel. Any idiot can walk into a bar on the Eastside and start asking the right questions."

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thedeere

Just call them no hopers, the ones on the rock and roll find it grossly offensive.

[Deleted User]

'The only queue you'll be skipping is the queue at the hospital'

(Davy Joyce iirc)

KevIRL

You could say he's barking up the wrong tree

Dr Crayfish

Looks like someone's barking up the wrong bush

Lorelli!

My father had some disagreement with a man in a pub. The man and his friend followed him into the toilets and produced a butter knife.

My dad said to himself if he backed down they'd bash him so he laughed at them and said "what are you going to do? Butter me?" and they left it at that

Gorgeousgeorge

No point in a thumbtack following a six inch nail

Birneybau

You know that piece of meat that gets stuck in your teeth after eating. You're that.

Or something to that effect.

Dakota Dan

When you stare at someone and they ask what are you looking at? You reply, not much.

What did your last slave die of? Lack of work.

Alf Veedersane

Dakota Dan wrote: »

What did your last slave die of? Lack of work.

Or "I beat him to death for being insolent" followed up with a death stare.

rightyabe

When a old relative of mine was stopped by a member of the Gardai as to why he was pulling a cart on the main road...he replied...

“Sure all the donkeys went to templemore”

eviltwin

Since you know it all you should know when to shut the f**k up.

When I got called fat: the reason I'm so fat is because every time I f**k your husband he gives me a biscuit

I have neither the time or the crayons to explain it to you

DEFTLEFTHAND

rightyabe wrote: »

When a old relative of mine was stopped by a member of the Gardai as to why he was pulling a cart on the main road...he replied...

“Sure all the donkeys went to templemore”

These days they apparently recruit all types, people with college degrees even who want to work for 25000 a year.

In the old days it was a profession for clowns, the last resort for the retarded black sheep of the family.

Dakota Dan

rightyabe wrote: »

When a old relative of mine was stopped by a member of the Gardai as to why he was pulling a cart on the main road...he replied...

“Sure all the donkeys went to templemore”

When a Garda stopped a man driving the wrong way down a one way street he asked him did he know that it's a one way street. The man replied but I'm only going one way.

McMurphy

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. :cool:

AskMyChocolate

**** off.

Tom Mann Centuria

Shut up Becky!

Birneybau

Tom Mann Centuria wrote: »

Shut up Becky!

Was going to say same myself but thought it was too niche.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Dakota Dan wrote: »

When you stare at someone and they ask what are you looking at? You reply, not much.

My reply to that when I was younger was “I have no idea what it is but it’s looking back at me”

sligojoek

Dakota Dan wrote: »

When you stare at someone and they ask what are you looking at? You reply, not much.

What did your last slave die of? Lack of work.

Disobedience.

sligojoek

I was leaving the pub one night when I got to the door. My mate shouted "joe Joe" and beckoned me back. Then he caught me with the old "How far would you be if I didn't call you back?". Once the laughter subsided I looked him in the eye and said, "Farther from a fool than I am now".

biko

"Yeah? So is your face!"

byte

I'm eating my breakfast, Kate

lemmno

Overheard a few months back on the bus. Group of women, late 20s/early 30s

A: how was port adventura? I heard it’s class.
B: yeah it is but it was a bit boring for me because C was too scared to go on the rollercoasters with me so I had to go on by myself. Such a pain, need to get some friends with some balls. (Delighted with herself on how brave she was compared to her silly baby-like friend)
C: (laughing) yeah I couldn’t go on them, I’m such a baby with heights. So.....tell me B, are you still living with your mother?

Could have cut the tension with a butter knife.

elperello

The French, trust them , have given this some thought and have an idiom to describe it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier

5rtytry56

You're assured on these eircom shares you bought then.

byte

Dakota Dan wrote: »

When you stare at someone and they ask what are you looking at?

Dunno, never studied wildlife.

NinjaTruncs

My dad was driving home one night and got waved down by a guard ( who wasn't wearing a hi-viz, it was years ago) standing in the middle of the road, when stopped my dad remarked how he almost didn't see the guard due to it being dark and the guard being dressed in dark clothes and could of hit him. The guard replied "what if I was a cow", my dad said he wanted to reply "a cow would have more sense", but chickened out of saying it as everyone know guards have no sense of humour.