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Problems with new BF and his ex

OldNotWIse

Looking for some advice.

I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of months. We were acquaintances for a long time and then started seeing each other. Everything really feels so right with him, and we get along so well and largely share a lot of the same values, plans for the future etc.

He has an ex and two young teenage children that he still lives with. It would appear that he pretty much does everything for his ex - he works full time, pays the mortgage, bills, does all the washing, ironing, cooking, being there for the kids, minding them when she goes out etc. When we spend time together, it has to be organized well in advance so that it is actually feasible. Even though he has a great job, he is always broke because his ex appears to be a total leech.

I don't particularly care for someone who has a lot of money etc. but I do find it annoying when there are constant limitations put on our nights out because of him being broke - even though he clears twice my salary.

I'm somewhat torn as to how to deal with this. We get on so well and I really like him so I don't particularly want to come across as some unreasonable blow in who starts putting a gun to his head or dictating how he spends his time and money. I am also not privy to the dynamics of the relationship with his ex. In addition, at least he is a great dad and has stepped up to his responsibilities.

On the other hand, I think his relationship with his ex becomes my business when it starts to affect my life, and I have to effectively carve my plans out around hers. And thinking longer term, if we were to have a future, how could we even consider kids in his current living and financial situation?

Would appreciate some outside views please (and thank you)

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Sleepy

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You sound like his mistress to be honest.

That's more than a little unfair.

From the sounds of things your OH is trapped between a rock and a hard place OldNotWIse. He can't trust the mother of his children to do a decent job of raising them without his help and she doesn't seem interested in supporting herself (and why would she when she has him to pay her way for her?).

In an ideal world, there'd be a fairly simple solution to this: he'd take custody of the kids and she'd move out, get a job and support herself or sign on and be taken care of by the state. Unfortunately, we live in a country where marrying someone gives them the right to live parasitic lives forevermore and have a legal system that is deeply sexist against men.

Has he seen a solicitor that specialises in family law? His ex's depression may count in his favour were he to seek sole custody of the kids. That's assuming, of course, that she has actually been diagnosed with depression by a doctor as opposed to having diagnosed herself to cover for her laziness.

OldNotWIse

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You cannot dictate how he lives his life. Only he can.

His wife is going to have to forge a path for herself. He should be paying a fixed amount to her in maintence every month and cap it at that.

You sound like his mistress to be honest.

cheers

OldNotWIse

Sleepy wrote: »

That's more than a little unfair.

From the sounds of things your OH is trapped between a rock and a hard place OldNotWIse. He can't trust the mother of his children to do a decent job of raising them without his help and she doesn't seem interested in supporting herself (and why would she when she has him to pay her way for her?).

In an ideal world, there'd be a fairly simple solution to this: he'd take custody of the kids and she'd move out, get a job and support herself or sign on and be taken care of by the state. Unfortunately, we live in a country where marrying someone gives them the right to live parasitic lives forevermore and have a legal system that is deeply sexist against men.

Has he seen a solicitor that specialises in family law? His ex's depression may count in his favour were he to seek sole custody of the kids. That's assuming, of course, that she has actually been diagnosed with depression by a doctor as opposed to having diagnosed herself to cover for her laziness.

Yeah I've studied law and I know too well the automatic presumption in favour of mothers.

I don't think he has done anything viz seeing a solicitor tbh.

Sorry to answer the question, no they are not legally separated

There goes my dream big day hey

Everyone has been so honest with their advice and I really appreciate it, even though some of it is hard to hear.

OldNotWIse

Addle wrote: »

When and where do you manage to see him?

usually one or two evenings after work (we work together) and then either fri/sat night

Ghekko

Having read through your posts I'd run for the hills. Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear but this guy is still way too involved with his ex to start engaging in another relationship. Their kids aren't babies so dont need minding as such. I'm sure most teens are capable of throwing on a wash, cooking a bit of dinner and who even irons these days? Though of course his ex should be doing all this as a sahm given the kids aren't home til 4. He should step back from being a doormat for the lot of them, not just his ex, and let them learn basic skills themselves. He should be free to come and go as he pleases, seeing you every evening if he wanted. Teenagers don't need babysitting. To be honest if he hasn't been to seek legal advice by now I can't imagine he's that interested in leaving his wife. I certainly wouldnt plan to have kids with a man who still lives with his family and shows no sign of moving on, choosing only to use his needy ex's dependency on him and having to do everything for the kids as a lame excuse to stay.

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Sunny Dayz

I think what would be raising a flag for me is that fact that the relationship is over for this length of time but little or nothing has been done to actually separate after this length of time. I'm not separated nor are anyone close to me but I can't imagine when a relationship is over that the couple could continue to live together for that long, even for the sake of the children. A year or so maybe, but not what 4 years did you say? Living in the same house, going on family holidays together, him doing the housework, their lives are still very much intertwined like a married couple. They may no longer be in love with each other anymore but it may still look pretty much like a marriage to the outside world.

Do people in general know he is separated from his wife? Have you met his kids? As he is still living in the family home, effectively when he moves out it is most likely to live with you, there's every chance you could be portrayed as the one who broke up the marriage. I would be looking for a cleaner break from his marriage before taking your relationship with him any further.

neonsofa

....... wrote: »

I have to say, there is quite a whiff of "pretending to have a bad marriage so I can have an affair" off his actions.

To me it seems more like hanging on to the family dream despite the marriage not working out- not still "together" but still living the same life and not ready to put a stop to that. Having his cake and eating it. And same with her,she still has the good supportive side of the husband but doesn't have to actually be the loving wife because they're not together. It's all very convenient for both of them imo. But ultimately pretty toxic at the same time if they ever plan on moving on properly.

Sunny Dayz

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Up until last year, they did do the 2 week family sun holiday together "for the kids". I know that the kids are the most important ones in this (or any) situation and must always come first but I wonder if the "for the kids" card is not being used to justify crazy behaviour.

This part jumps out at me. Kids can live without a 2 week family sun holiday. Many families don't go on a sun holiday. His kids would have survived without 2 weeks in Portugal or wherever. If they, sorry he, can afford to bring them abroad for 2 weeks every year, then instead he probably could have afforded to move out of the family home.
Where do they both sleep on the family holiday? This going on a family holiday business is putting on a very united family front...

OldNotWIse

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Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I think what would be raising a flag for me is that fact that the relationship is over for this length of time but little or nothing has been done to actually separate after this length of time. I'm not separated nor are anyone close to me but I can't imagine when a relationship is over that the couple could continue to live together for that long, even for the sake of the children. A year or so maybe, but not what 4 years did you say? Living in the same house, going on family holidays together, him doing the housework, their lives are still very much intertwined like a married couple. They may no longer be in love with each other anymore but it may still look pretty much like a marriage to the outside world.

Do people in general know he is separated from his wife? Have you met his kids? As he is still living in the family home, effectively when he moves out it is most likely to live with you, there's every chance you could be portrayed as the one who broke up the marriage. I would be looking for a cleaner break from his marriage before taking your relationship with him any further.

Apparently I am the first person he has dated since they decided to split so he has never had a reason to rock the boat, I do believe him. Maybe I am a mug but I really don't think there is still anything between them (well, intimately anyway) but then again - relationships are not just about sex and it seems they are living together as a married couple with everything that that entails minus the intimacy i.e. divorce Irish style

I feel really down about this whole thing.

OldNotWIse

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I think what would be raising a flag for me is that fact that the relationship is over for this length of time but little or nothing has been done to actually separate after this length of time. I'm not separated nor are anyone close to me but I can't imagine when a relationship is over that the couple could continue to live together for that long, even for the sake of the children. A year or so maybe, but not what 4 years did you say? Living in the same house, going on family holidays together, him doing the housework, their lives are still very much intertwined like a married couple. They may no longer be in love with each other anymore but it may still look pretty much like a marriage to the outside world.

Do people in general know he is separated from his wife? Have you met his kids? As he is still living in the family home, effectively when he moves out it is most likely to live with you, there's every chance you could be portrayed as the one who broke up the marriage. I would be looking for a cleaner break from his marriage before taking your relationship with him any further.

His wife knows about us, and yes his family know they are separated (and in fact many of his family and friends are not happy with her and/or the situation). He has told his daughter about me, but not his son, who is a bit younger.

OldNotWIse

Definitely mostly not what I wanted to hear, but largely what I had feared and was afraid to say out loud. Friends might gloss over the issue and tell you what you want to hear, hence I took the issue here - Boardsies are so wise!

neonsofa

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Definitely mostly not what I wanted to hear, but largely what I had feared and was afraid to say out loud. Friends might gloss over the issue and tell you what you want to hear, hence I took the issue here - Boardsies are so wise!

I think deep down you always know what is right for yourself. Your gut knows. And you can try to ignore your gut and seek the advice you want to hear from friends, but deep down I think generally you do know what is best for you.

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pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I don't know the guy obviously but he's reminding me of someone, is there any chance he kind of likes playing the martyr or being needed? Sometimes people create reasons to be needed, putting themselves out and running themselves ragged doing things that don't really truly need to be done, or acting like stuff wouldn't get done without them when really it would. Have you met the wife or directly observed the dynamic at home or is this all coming from him?

Like others have said, quite apart from the wife, the kids are old enough to be picking up some slack.

Whatever on earth is going on with him and his wife, it's a hugely complex toxic clusterf*ck and I'd be very wary of stepping into it because id someone's going to end up collateral damage it'll be you. It's obvious you really like him but take a step back. I know when you're in your 30s and beyond people have baggage and dating gets complicated but there's complicated and there's this.

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OldNotWIse

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We did have the conversation and I told him out straight that unless he changes his living situation that there is no future for us. He agreed with me that it is not ideal etc but that could just be lip service - if he doesn't actually sit down with his ex and tell her to get her sh*t together then words are just words

I really like him so much and aside form this (monstrosity) we are so good together, but I am tired of just getting little scraps of his time. When we are meant to meet and he texts me to meet early because he has to "go home and do the laundry" I find myself thinking, why am I signing up for this? I'm in my early 30's, I have a lot to give to anyone I am in a relationship with and I don't have baggage (I hate the term but I am not tied to anyone, exes or kids etc) - why should I have to accept someone else's? His point that "millions of people make families like this work in this day and age" might be true....but those people actually finish things properly, move out and move on.

stargazer 68

OldNotWIse wrote: »

When we are meant to meet and he texts me to meet early because he has to "go home and do the laundry" .

Ah here op. He has to go home and do the laundry?? Sorry but there is something else going on with him imo

leggo

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I'm in my early 30's, I have a lot to give to anyone I am in a relationship with and I don't have baggage (I hate the term but I am not tied to anyone, exes or kids etc) - why should I have to accept someone else's? His point that "millions of people make families like this work in this day and age" might be true....but those people actually finish things properly, move out and move on.

This OP. You wrote this. Listen to yourself here.

Big Bag of Chips

If you don't want baggage, then why are you pursuing a relationship with a man with so much of it? Do you think if/when he/she leaves the house and they separate that that will be the end of it all? There's two children who will always be a priority. Their needs will always come ahead of yours. His ex wife (if indeed they are actually separating) will always be a huge part of his life as they will share those 2 children for the rest of their lives. Birthdays, weddings, every family gathering ever!

Do you believe him? Do you believe everything he tells you? Two teenage children tend not to need a whole lot of "minding". It's at that age that parents tend to be able to start going out again because they can be trusted at home alone for a few hours. Do you believe his wife knows about you? Do you believe his daughter knows about you? If he can't afford to live altogether in one house, how do you think he would afford to maintain 2 houses and a family with you?

He has baggage. More than most. If you don't want it, then you know what to do.

CorkSinead

He’s not serious about a relationship with you at the moment, let alone kids. That you’ve been together a while suggests he’s started to like the arrangement.

I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole. My Ex won’t move out and most probably seeing someone - but he’s still into me, it’s nothing to do with the kids.

Bambi985

Ah I feel for you OldNotWIse, this is very clearly a head/heart divide. You love him but you know it's not right. You know that you'll be signing yourself up for a lifetime of frustration and misery and playing second fiddle to you boyfriend's other life, but you also love him and don't see anyone else in your life.

The heart wants what it wants and sometimes - often - that voice will be the prevailing one, but I think you know you deserve more than what this guy can offer. This guy is simply not willing to extricate himself from his wife's life and move on, and he can claim it's for "the kids" (teenagers) or whatever, but the bottom line is he won't do it. And he can get to feel like a good reliable family man that's sacrificing his own life for the family unit in the process, so it's unlikely he's suddenly going to turn around, call his wife on her bullsh1t, let the kids do their own chores and set up shop with you. Extremely unlikely.

You're in your early 30s, not 50 - you're still young and have time to meet someone new. Someone that wants to build a life with you and only you. It's ok to want that - it doesn't make you selfish or unreasonable. Many women won't accept anything less - it's OK to be one of them.

Ending things will be difficult and your emotions will be all over the place and you'll miss him madly and the next few months will be painful, but you simply have to put yourself first here. Where do you want to be in a year's time? Still seeing your partner for a few hours a week and still talking about babies without any forward-planning or feasible plans for how you can have any future together? Because that's where you'll be - it's already been four years since they "separated", what's another year to him. He has kids and he has forever to arse around with half-relationships with other women where he can get his own emotional needs fulfilled - what about you?

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not being funny OP but are you absolutely sure he's actually separated? This whole scenario sounds a bit fishy to me. It also has a real bang of him wanting to have his cake and eat it. And even if they are actually separated, there's a whole load of **** ready to hit the fan if he ever leaves his wife. It might be somewhat dysfunctional but he's part of a family unit that's operating on some level. should he leave, then there'll be mayhem with his wife. The kids will be affected by their parents' marriage ending for real and dad moving out. They might blame you for upsetting the status quo, even though you've had nothing to do with it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. You're dating this guy for several months now and there's no indication of anything changing. I'm not sure there will either. He either can't or won't change things and that's very unfair on you. It seems to be going nowhere, I hate to say. I'd be inclined to say to him that he can come talk to you about resuming the relationship once he gets his own house in order.

Big Bag of Chips

OldNotWise, your username was familiar to me. Didn't you recently come out of an abusive relationship? I think I remember you posting about it a while back. That relationship didn't sound very good, nor does this one. He is in no way separated from her. If they live together and she doesn't work then his finances are her finances. He pays everything for the family. They are not separated. So even if he was to start that process tomorrow. It's still going to be 4 years from now before he can officially separate/divorce from her and start building a proper family life with you.

And if she is that useless, will your family life include two older teenagers who might resent their dad's new woman, and new family.

I don't know, maybe he really is a great guy. But to me he sounds more like a cliché.

lawred2

You sure you're not a bit on the side?

Big Bag of Chips

Do people know you're a couple? People you've actually met, not people that you haven't met that he's told you he's told. Your work colleagues? Have you met any of his family or friends?

pwurple

OP, think through the long term.

Even if he moves out, even if he gets this divorce, he will still have to support his wife and 2 children for the rest of his life UNLESS she suddenly gets some means, which seems unlikely. I don't know how loaded he is, but not many people can afford to support two households. The larger earner in any relationship ends up paying for the dependents.

So, for your whole future life, you end up supporting him.

Maybe I am just old and bitter, but every friend I've seen get into this situation ends up in bits. Don't be a doormat.

OldNotWIse

Bambi985 wrote: »

Ah I feel for you OldNotWIse, this is very clearly a head/heart divide. <Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post

Thank you. It is so hard. So hard that for first time in ten years on boards I logged in from home to see if anyone had come back with replies. I know what I need to do but it doesn't make it easier knowing it is the right thing, I feel so much for him and really thought we could make it. X

OldNotWIse

lawred2 wrote: »

You sure you're not a bit on the side?

Yes

OldNotWIse

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OldNotWise, your username was familiar to me. Didn't you recently come out of an abusive relationship?<Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post

Yup guilty as charged