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Child Item

Regret having children? Is there anything good about having children?

The Planters Daughter

Apologies in advance for this long winded post! But I am desperate for some advice and feedback on this subject – I have been researching it for months!
My husband and I have been married for five years - Together for ten - We have a great life and we really are best friends (Mushy I know) We go on two or three holidays a year, we love going out for meals, wine bars, concerts and just enjoy the freedom that we have.

I am yet to hear that maternal scream from my ovaries begging me produce an off-spring the way most other women seem to, in fact the two of us have always been adamant that children are not on the cards for us in life. But because I am almost 32 and that biological clock of mine is quietly ticking away I have started to force myself to consider the positives of becoming a Mother to reduce the chance of having any regrets in older life. I am very close to my own Mother and this is one of the main things that sways me in the direction of Motherhood, I want that bond with my own daughter (But oh God what if I have a son!!!)

I also love the idea of having a little part of my husband and I combined together, to see what a beautiful little human we could make (But oh God what if we have an ugly one!!) to pass on our stories to them, to tell them about our own childhoods, our travels, their grandparents and to hand down clothing, jewellery our favourite books. We are both at times quite childish, love children’s movies, love Christmas….all those amazing fun things that having a child (I believe) makes even more fun? When I thought about this beautiful fairy-tale image of raising children I almost had myself convinced I could throw away the condoms….until…

Never one for believing my own mind, I have a bit of an addiction to “Googling” every question that pops into my head, and so I have spent the past months non-stop googling forums and Facebook pages about the pros and cons of being a parent, and what I have found is quite disturbing, from Redditt, mumsnet, and Men’s health to that famous Facebook page called “I regret having children” all I can seem to find is horror stories about how much having Children destroys everything good in a person’s life. From Mothers who say their bodies are destroyed and their lives turned upside down in the worst way possible, to Fathers who resent their children for stealing the wives attention away and who wished they had never had kids in the first place. Even the parents who say they don’t regret their decision to reproduce moaned on about how mundane their lives were and how they never realised it would be as hard as it is. The most common complaint I came across was that the joy really didn’t outweigh the negatives and that marriages can really be strained under all the pressure, and never quite the same. (I really don’t want to ruin what we already have)

So Basically I want to hear from the parents – Is it really all that bad?? Do you regret it?? Does having a little human of your own not make it all worthwhile – And what about Christmas – Surely having a little Santa believer running around the house at Christmas time is enough to make up for having zero sleep the rest of the year? In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night – Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this?

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Zadkiel

Pretty much what a lot of people have already said.

Before our little girl came along we were in a bar or restaurant every second night. We had nice holidays, we were spontaneous. We REALLY enjoyed our life.

Do we miss it? No.

Do we enjoy our new life? Infinitely more. It's challenging.

If you decide to have a baby, as someone has already mentioned you will be tested in ways you can't imagine.
We've had days where we can't string a coherent sentence together because we've been so tired.
You're patience will be stretched to breaking point.
We're constantly spending money on clothes. We've been in Temple Street three times in 26 months.
My missus can't get two minutes to herself to go to the bathroom when I'm not in the house.

But...
Every sleepless night is worth seeing your child take their first steps, hearing them laugh for the first time or the first time they spontaneously say "i love you daddy". That's the case for us anyway. But we've always wanted a family.

You have to do what's right for you. Please don't have children if you really don't want them. No child deserves to be resented and they will know it if they are.

AnneFrank

The best thing that ever happened to me was becoming a dad, i simply couldn't imagine life without them,
to see the world through their eyes, and to feel that pride in watching them grow is like nothing else on earth,
No negatives whatsoever for me OP

TheAnalyst_

There are loads of negatives. It probably just about evens out in the end but ignore anyone that says they are the only reason for living and life is meaningless without them. People like that obviously never had much else going on in their life.

[Deleted User]

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

................ but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

Let's not get carried away, there must be loads of childless folk out there who are complete and truly know the meaning of life.

Like, do you consider that scobey fnckers with sprogs are complete and truly know the meaning of life?

TheAnalyst_

Some interesting counterpoints.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5077509/Parents-reveal-secretly-hate-children.html

[Deleted User]

I can understand the age you are at and giving up a life you are used to.

My advice to you now is to just get on with it.

If you're lucky enough to get pregnant quickly enough, you'll have a good nine months to get used to the idea and to get ready to make adjustments in your lives.

A lot of couples think "will I be a good parent etc".

That's a good way to be as it shows they are thinking about the commitment.

But I'll say again. Just get on with it. It's the most wonderful thing that can ever happen to you. A whole new world will open up for you. And you'll be able to deal with it all and make preparations and adjustments as needed. That is of course if you want to have kids.

And I'm completely respectful of folk who prefer not to have kids. Best wishes whatever way forward you decide is right for you.

JimmyMcGill

GDK_11 wrote: »

agree with this, it's just not for some people. My partner and myself don't, we may in the future but it's not a guarantee we will head in that direction.

Will a child enhance our lives? Maybe, but it certainly will not 'complete us'.

And that sounds like you have the choice, which is the best scenario.

What about all those couples who can't? They're never going to lead a fulfilled existence without children? Doubtful.

OP the very fact you started this thread must point you somewhere nearer the answer you thought you'd never want to hear. My take on it anyway.

chooey

She is without a doubt the best thing I've ever done in my life. I haven't regretted ever having her. I've never loved anyone like I've loved this little person. It completely changes your life but I think for the better.

Bacchus

This a very emotive question to answer objectively. While I don't doubt there are parents out there that regret having kids... I think that's more about them as a person than anything else. What I mean is that no-one, absolutely no-one, no matter how many books they read, is prepared to be a parent. That moment you arrive home with your baby and you set the carrier seat down... you and your partner looking at it... at each other... wondering "what do we do now". It's real. Most parents, I feel and hope, rise to the task of raising a baby. It's hard work, it's exhausting, and it is relentless (this is coming from the Dad's side, so imagine what it is for the mom). I can see how there are some people that are simply overwhelmed by it. There's a whole classification of depression that affects around 1 in 5 new mothers. Life is seriously tough for the first 4-8 months. It is a minefield of things that can go wrong, or 'not smoothly', nevermind the basics like sleep. We experienced a few bumps in the road and we still feel like we had a pretty good first 6 months (we're nearly 1 year in now as parents to our little girl). So, yeah if there regrets, I can see them stemming from simply not being able to cope and I feel a great deal of pity for those parents and for the baby. If you're in that position, you need to seek help from family and friends. Even if it's just to give you an hour to take some downtime. You need that anyway, put just doubly so if you're struggling.

I think it's important if this is something that you need to draw up a pros/cons list to make your decision, that you really do think it through. For us, we just wanted to have a family and despite all the work it is the best thing we ever did. One smile from our daughter just makes everything else melt away. Seriously I nearly cried the first time she crawled... won't be able to cope when she starts walking. The sight of her clapping her hands grinning up at you at 5am makes you forget it's 5am. It is just amazing seeing your little mini-us become their own person. But... back to my point... if it isn't an instinctual thing for you and you're considering it just because well it's the "thing to do" then REALLY consider it. I love it, but I do miss sleeping past 7am on a Saturday morning (though my wife and I do take turns), popping out with my wife for a casual meal or drink in town, or any number of other leisures we once had. It's a price I happily pay... not everyone will want to sacrifice that though and as bad as it might be for parents to realize this isn't for them, it's the child I feel more sorry for. I'm sure even with regret there is still love and caring but to come packaged with the weight of what you've "taken away" from your parents... I dunno, makes me sad.

GDK_11

JimmyMcGill wrote: »

And that sounds like you have the choice, which is the best scenario.

What about all those couples who can't? They're never going to lead a fulfilled existence without children? Doubtful.

OP the very fact you started this thread must point you somewhere nearer the answer you thought you'd never want to hear. My take on it anyway.

I would be quite sure that they could and would live a fulfilled existence without children.
We may not have the choice down the line, I don't know. However would my life be fulfilled either way, i don't see why it wouldn't be.

AndyBoBandy

SSr0 wrote: »

What an ignorant/smug comment.

I guess my comment was made from the perspective of already crossing the line into parenthood, and perhaps should have been considered as being part of my entire post.

After the fact, Yes, I feel the way I feel about it, as in I couldn't comprehend life now without our child.

I'm not saying people who don't have children aren't 'complete'. I myself felt perfectly happy & content with life prior to being a parent, but once becoming a parent, perspectives change.

Am I wearing rose tinted glasses? of course I am.

optogirl

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

... but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

Think this is a bit of an overstatement - it's not for everyone. Having said that I am very glad I have my two - they bring a lot of happiness and open up parts of life that you wouldn't experience otherwise. Some Saturday mornings I do wish they'd bugger off for an hour or so mind you but that's my problem, not theirs.

Malayalam

Make no mistake, it's a huge thing to have children. If you are going to do right by them you will have to put yourself last, sacrifice your desires, almost 100% of your time, even your basic needs sometimes. You will have to be grown up and careful not to inflict your neuroses on them. This is a whole other independent and vulnerable human being who needs and deserves unconditional love, constant physical care, education, guidance and training, attention, true consideration. Being a parent is a serious task, an awesome adventure. And that's in the good times. In the hard times, when they are sick or suffering in some way, it can be inexpressibly strange. Your heart stretched to infinity.
I am glad I did not have to make the choice. It would be tricky to stand on that precipice, so I understand your hesitation. It is an awesome leap. My children arrived when I was very young and quite innocent, and certainly not planning it. Looking up to breathe 25 years later, now that they are my dearest, most beloved friends, I can honestly say it has been an honour and a blessing beyond what I deserved to be their mam.

Bacchus

Zadkiel wrote: »

Pretty much what a lot of people have already said.

Before our little girl came along we were in a bar or restaurant every second night. We had nice holidays, we were spontaneous. We REALLY enjoyed our life.

Do we miss it? No.

Do we enjoy our new life? Infinitely more. It's challenging.

If you decide to have a baby, as someone has already mentioned you will be tested in ways you can't imagine.
We've had days where we can't string a coherent sentence together because we've been so tired.
You're patience will be stretched to breaking point.
We're constantly spending money on clothes. We've been in Temple Street three times in 26 months.
My missus can't get two minutes to herself to go to the bathroom when I'm not in the house.

But...
Every sleepless night is worth seeing your child take their first steps, hearing them laugh for the first time or the first time they spontaneously say "i love you daddy". That's the case for us anyway. But we've always wanted a family.

You have to do what's right for you. Please don't have children if you really don't want them. No child deserves to be resented and they will know it if they are.

100% this, in a nutshell how I feel.

pwurple

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

That's a fairly extreme example.

I'm sure there are people who regret it, maybe in previous generations where children were more an expectation than a choice. I don't know anyone my own age who has regretted it.

My kids aren't restaurant material. Some kids aren't. Mine prefer to be outside 24/7 with a football. So just be aware op that not all kids will conform to adult life and that's ok. As long as you are aware that sometimes you might have to get mucky too!!

I wouldn't give mine back. I don't mind the odd weekend away to feel normal again...well the old normal...theres a new normal now. It doesn't present itself as regret though.

Well... yes and no. I'm sure we could all think of plenty more extreme examples of people who should never have become parents. I would imagine if you spend every waking moment regretting someone's existence, it's easy to slide into abuse.
Absolutely, you never know what life will throw at you. Special needs, health issues, etc.

And whatever eejit suggested adoption. Forget about it. Not on the cards in Ireland.

matrim

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

in fact the two of us have always been adamant that children are not on the cards for us in life.

What does your husband think of your new found doubt? Because if he's still adamant about not having kids, then you deciding to have them may either breed resentment and / or end the relationship

seamus

Whatever way you choose, it's close to guaranteed that you will squander the time that you have

People who have children find themselves with grown up children wondering how those years went by so quickly and wishing they could go back and really appreciate them.

People who don't, find themselves at 60 years of age realising that they should have spent all their free time exploring the world and learning new things rather than going to work and watching TV. You can't bring your sh1t with you when you die, so don't waste your time working and saving money unless you're planning on retiring at 40.

I have two kids, but I would never pressure someone into having them. It's hard work, that can't be doubted, and some people are wired in such a way that the loss of their free time and personal space actually makes them miserable. You can still love your children and not regret them, while being miserable because you're a parent.

Other people are wired in such a way that nothing brings them more joy than a house full of children.

Most people lie somewhere in the middle; they love having the kids around but also appreciate the chances they get for a little personal time.

In terms of the OP, I would say that there's nothing like kids to inject the fun back into family occasions like Xmas, birthdays, etc. Without kids they become mundane, by-the-numbers affairs with a group of adults getting drunk around the table watching eachother grow slightly older and grumpier. Kids snap you back to your childhood and you get the opportunity to come up with your own traditions.

I'm not going to advocate for either side; as you can see by this thread, people who've made their choice tend to be convinced that they're right and kids are great/awful.

You're 32, you've got some time to think about it. Whatever decision you've made though, you both have to be on board with. Yes it can strain a marriage, but also make one much stronger and closer as a result.

whatawaster

Having children is not for everyone, and I'd urge you to be as sure as you can be before you make a decision to have one.

Is having a child the best thing I've ever done in my life? - 100% yes.

Is it all sunshine and roses? - of course not.

We all have moments where we wish we could go out with our friends, or go to a movie, or out for dinner, only there is no one to babysit. And when the crying has been going on for an hour, it does sometimes seem like it will never stop.

There are the sleepless nights, the changing dirty nappies, the cleaning up of vomit, your baby spitting carrots into your hand because she only wanted to chew them but not swallow them. Then she cries when you take the carrots away.

But for me those are such minor complaints they are almost irrelevant. My daughter makes me smile a hundred times a day. She steals my phone and laughs like a maniac as I try and catch her and get it back. She hugs me for no reason. She takes holidays like Easter, Halloween and Christmas and just makes them better. One day, I will get to read Harry Potter to her, whether she likes it or not.

I will say that we both knew we wanted kids. We talked about it all the time, and we both adored all our nieces and nephews. It turned out to harder and more of a sacrifice than we thought it would be, but also a thousand times more fulfilling.

seamus

whatawaster wrote: »

There are the sleepless nights, the changing dirty nappies, the cleaning up of vomit, your baby spitting carrots into your hand because she only wanted to chew them but not swallow them. Then she cries when you take the carrots away.

In hindsight, I laugh when people mention nappy changing & sleepless nights and all the rest as barriers to having kids. That seems like a lot of work. It seems like you'll be changing someone else's nappies until you're old enough to be wearing your own.
And sometimes when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's never going to end.

But it actually passes by in the blink of an eye. 3-4 years and then the physically hard bit is over; the child eats normal food, sleeps all night (doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning); uses the toilet and plays on their own without needed constant attention (most of the time).
And you realise not much time has actually passed, you haven't "missed out" on a damn thing.

tomo75

I am a Dad of 3 girls. The eldest turned 4 when the 3rd was born. Did I look in the mirror and think we had bitten off more than we could chew......yep....but we kept the head down and almost 3 years later it is still great fun. I think it's the change of priorities that gets you. If you embrace it...it's more rewarding.

CelticRambler

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

We go on two or three holidays a year, we love going out for meals, wine bars, concerts and just enjoy the freedom that we have.

MrsC and I had four children in five years, and it never stopped us going on three holidays a year, nor going out for meals or concerts (didn't do wine bars, still don't!) ... and the only thing about the bubble baths that changed was they became more frequent but less powerfully scented!

Children fit in to your life, they don't take it over (even if the quintessential Irish Mammy, even in 2017, seems to think that way). The only real problem we ever had was with other adults telling us what to do (e.g. not take them out of school just so they could hang out with like minded delinquent parents' children at a scientific congress)

Get off the internet and go look at the real world outside. There are children out there doing stuff with their parents that you probably haven't even noticed - because it's no big deal. With my youngest now almost 18, my only regret is seeing parents with young children in shops, restaurants, up a moutain, out dancing at two in the morning ... and being envious of them, because I'd love to do it all over again.

The Planters Daughter

Hi Everyone

I really appreciate all the comments and the insigh....most of you are just lovely and it's great to hear how wonderful your families are and how much love you have for your children .. just to clear up...my husband said he wants whatever I want....if I decide I want a child he will be right there with me. And for the record I am in Australia where it is was an acceptable time to be drinking wine

All of our family are in Ireland though...another thing that makes it hard to decide I think if we were already at home we would have children. It's hard enough being away from family besides raising a a child away from home.
As always on these boards I took a huge sigh reading some of the petty comments WHY do (some) people have to get nasty with snide remarks (unless you are currently a parent who is secretly hating life perhaps)??? The fact that I am researching this to such length and constantly discussing it with my husband is because I understand exactly how much feeling rejected would hurt a child. I have no doubt that we would be abolsutely wonderful parents... we both love children and are really caring people....its not the child I am worried about I know the child would be loved unconditionally....

Sunny Dayz

Just my 2 cents but I don't think you can regret something that you have committed to and cannot change. You can regret getting married and get divorced but you can't really change your mind about having a child once you have one. You just learn to live with it.

I had my child when I was just out of my teens, completely not what I had planned for in life and it was difficult to accept at first, even more so when I was alone. But do I regret having my child - no.

Jimbob1977

One of the biggest problems is 'time'. There are not enough hours in the day.

Many households have both mother and father in the workforce out of necessity, so the family is constantly racing against the clock.

Get the children up at 6.30am so they can be in creche or pre-school by 8am. Racing back to the creche or childminder for 5.30pm or 6pm. Get the dinner on. Do the homework. Soccer training. Birthday party. Child is sick - need to juggle work, etc. Flick on the laptop at 9pm to catch up on the emails. The guilt of being 'time poor'.

If the parents are under that pressure constantly, the thought always occurs..... why did we have children? The generations beforehand might have been poorer on a bank statement, but they had far more time for their children.

Work tends to be the biggest obstacle for most people nowadays.

If you are a social butterfly that is out on the town every Friday and Saturday night, there is a big change in store.

However, I love watching my children blossoming. Learning how to read. Learning how to cycle. The hilarious drawings. Thriving in school. Becoming an independent person. It's nature at its finest!!!

Anatom

Its brilliant. All of it. Even the tough bits.

Don't worry about your social life. You can still have that and have kids. Pretty soon, your social life includes them, not excludes them. More than 12 years on, I don't feel any more tied down than the day they were born. In fact, its getting better each day.

Do it, or don't, but don't expect your life to be worse because you have them. It won't be...

m.i.l.f

Can you borrow a baby for a day / night ? This will give you a good idea .

I wouldn't give my kids back but I would have had just as nice a life without them

Have a think about the real reasons you would like a baby who would grow into a toddler then a teen and then an adult . Be completely honest .

If you could get a puppy either to test the waters ? You would have an idea of what it's like to have someone who cries at night who wakes you early who's 100% dependant on you , it will be something you will have to consider every time you leave the house or go on holiday - without the rest of your life commitment & massive expense !

Good luck with your decision !

uck51js9zml2yt

OP, if you're looking for justification to have a child, then don't. You're on the wrong path.
I was in my 40's when married and now have 2 fantastic boys.
It's tough, times I wonder what can go wrong next.
Then I look at them and am so filled with pride when I see them.
They're the best thing ever happened to me, despite all the trials.
The joy they've brought to our house far outweighs the problems.

Fian

My four are 13-18 now. So we are past the exhausting period.

We have come out the other side of the years of going through life in a zombie like haze of sleep deprivation. It was only when it was over i realised how poorly i was functioning during that period. Glad we had them young so we had the energy for that.

Past the nappies and the bottle making and even the bum wiping and cleaning of vomit. Though with teenagers potentially another vomit phase is approaching, alcohol rather than bacteria based this time, so far so good though, no incidents yet. Maybe they will even clean up after themselves when it does happen.

Now we have much more freedom, we can head out of the house and leave them to look after themselves. They can make their own lunch etc.

Still spending hours each evening helping with homework, spending weekends attending matches/filling in as a taxi driver. And though I can't claim to enjoy every minute of that at the time, I would not want it to stop.

I have no idea what we would spend our money on if we didn't have four teenagers, but we would certainly have alot more to spend on ourselves. As it stands after mortgage, utility bills, groceries and other essentials more or less all of it goes on them. They each have a better phone than mine.

I remember having to trade in an opel omega I really liked, first really nice car i had, for an opel zafira that accelerated like a slug, but that had 7 seats. Ah well.

My eldest will head to college next year, a few short years after that we will probably be struggling to fund four in college all at the same time. We will make it work though.

I am fiercely proud of them and they bring us joy. Couldn't honestly imagine life without them. I am absolutely not looking forward to the day they eventually leave the nest, not looking to cling on to them but not wishing that day forward either.

Having kids involves making huge sacrifices, which sacrifices are hugely outweighed by the benefits.

Bacchus

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

Hi Everyone

I really appreciate all the comments and the insigh....most of you are just lovely and it's great to hear how wonderful your families are and how much love you have for your children .. just to clear up...my husband said he wants whatever I want....if I decide I want a child he will be right there with me. And for the record I am in Australia where it is was an acceptable time to be drinking wine
All of our family are in Ireland though...another thing that makes it hard to decide I think if we were already at home we would have children. It's hard enough being away from family besides raising a a child away from home.
As always on these boards I took a huge sigh reading some of the petty comments WHY do (some) people have to get nasty with snide remarks (unless you are currently a parent who is secretly hating life perhaps)??? The fact that I am researching this to such length and constantly discussing it with my husband is because I understand exactly how much feeling rejected would hurt a child. I have no doubt that we would be abolsutely wonderful parents... we both love children and are really caring people....its not the child I am worried about I know the child would be loved unconditionally....

Is this (the bit I put in bold) the crux of the debate?

If so, there is never the perfect time or situation to start a family. Yes, it would be soooo much easier if you were close to family but it can be done. I've a cousin in Perth who has a 2 year old. Her family are all here in Ireland but they did it and they are doing just fine. I understand that it adds a layer of difficulty to the situation but if that's what's holding you back from something you want, then I say go for it. It's scary for everyone and moreso if you're away from home. If you project forward 10 - 20 years, do you think you'd look back and think that you were right not to have had children because of that? All the logic in the world points to it being bad timing but if you let it pass, logic be damned. I can't read your mind, but to me I don't see you regretting having kids. You've thought a lot about it, and you already want the best for your (not yet even conceived) child. You have the (legitimate) fear IMO. Acknowledge the the difficulties that you will face in raising a child away from your family but also acknowledge that if this is something you want, you will regret not going for it.

Hitman3000

I read your post OP, seems to me considering the searches you have made indicate you're seeking reasons not to have kids. You and your husband enjoy life and that's great. Leave the child rearing to others. I realise this may seem an unfair comment but from your post I feel you and your husband maybe too selfish to share your life with a child.
Just my 2 cents.