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Child Item

I think my boyfriend used to sleep with escorts and I'm considering breaking up with

MilanaWinters

Hi there, new on boards. My boyfriend of 1 year and I are very much in love but recently I was on our iMac and found (yes I was snooping a little) his internet history before we met. He used to look up escort websites all the time. He wasn't dating during the 6 months before our first meeting and he might've been lonely, but for me it's kind of a deal breaker. It just doesn't align with my personal values. A week after he broke up with his ex he started looking up backpages, escorts, hookup sites... all in Dublin where we live. He never looked at porn, instead he was looking up local escorts, escort phone numbers, escort policies and reviews. He did that a lot during that time he was single. I asked him about it and said he would never and never has but all this internet history, especially the specific googling of phone numbers and addresses sounds pretty damning to me. I want to believe him, I want to trust him but I’m very conflicted between what my mind and what my heart are saying. Do guys go that far in their search for escorts even if they don't intend to act on it? Would you google an escort's phone number to check for reviews even if it's just for a little bit of fun voyeurism?

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[Deleted User]

Lads

Using escorts is illegal

I don't have strong views as to whether 'the sex industry' is responsible for all the ills of the world, and what happens between consenting adults is their business imo, but someone is perfectly entitled to be strongly against it for some very fair reasons. If you found out your partner had been into child porn, or drug dealing, or had a conviction for battery, or any number of things, it might change your feelings towards them.

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

That said, the snooping isn't great. And she's asked and he's answered. What we think at that stage is complete irrelevance. If you are both willing to move on, move on. If one or both of you aren't, don't. That's all there is to it.

C3PO

Deleted User wrote: »

If you found out your partner had been into child porn, or drug dealing, or had a conviction for battery, or any number of things, it might change your feelings towards them.

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

You're not seriously equating looking at an adult escort site to being into child porn ... are you?

osarusan

OP, however you feel about it, that is just how you feel. You might have lots of people telling you that you shouldn't feel that way, or that you are overreacting, but that might not make you change how you feel. If it's something you won't be able to get over, then so be it.

Moving on to your question of whether or not his browsing history indicates that he was paying for sex, or whether he was just curious/killing time...we can't know, but I'd imagine that there are lads who have casually browsed escort sites either through curiousity or just boredom, with no real intent to do anything else. He could be one of those people.

I don't know how you can find out though.

Necro

Deleted User wrote:

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

It's absolutely 100 per cent a valid argument. What right has the OP to invade her boyfriends privacy like this and search his internet history to a degree of 18 months ago? Where are the values she proclaims to have in those actions?

As for your comparison of looking at escort sites to child pornography.. I really have no further words for you if you want to engage in such whataboutery.

bucketybuck

You have zero proof whatsoever that he actually slept with any escorts. None.

It's trivially easy to suggest a scenario in which a guy who had recently broken up with his girlfriend Googled a few escort websites, it doesn't for one second mean he actually visited one.

Hell, it used to be a common meme in sitcoms and the like that a recently dumped guy got dragged to a strip club by his friends, just to get him out of a depression. But even that isn't the case here, all he appears to have done is visit a few websites long before he ever met you. Well Newsflash OP, there are very few men with Internet access that haven't checked out those sites through pure idle curiosity. Shocking isn't it...

Do this guy a favour and dump him quick, before you find out he masturbated as a teenager.

Neyite

Mod:

BeefBurrito, welcome to Personal Issues.

It's a forum where genuinely distressed folk come to get helpful advice and piss-taking replies are not welcome and below standard therefore your post was deleted.

Please consider this before posting again - it's a strictly moderated forum and messing results in cards or bans being issued.

Neyite

Mod:

SNNUS - post also deleted for the same reason.

*****

This is an advice forum. Replies should be helpful and constructive to the OP. Flippant or unhelpful replies from here on in will result in a yellow card. There are plenty of other forums on boards where you can laugh and joke about relationships and escorting at someone's expense. Not this one.

[Deleted User]

C3PO wrote: »

You're not seriously equating looking at an adult escort site to being into child porn ... are you?

No, no I'm not.

I'm pointing out that past behaviour *can be a factor in how you feel about someone now* regardless of whether you were with them at the time.

I knew people would jump out of their way to misread it but I'm happy enough that it's clear.

Necro

Deleted User wrote:

I'm pointing out that past behaviour *can be a factor in how you feel about someone now* regardless of whether you were with them at the time.

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

[Deleted User]

Necrominus wrote: »

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

Why do you think we, you and i, are arguing about this? How strange of you.

Neyite

OP, have you gotten STI checked? It might be no harm for your both to get that done.

It may be curiosity, it may have gone further - but you wont know until you ask (and if he chooses to tell the truth). Was there a reason you decided to look at his internet history that far back? If it's a once-off gut feeling you have as opposed to being like this all the time then maybe go with what your gut instinct is telling you. If you habitually snoop, then you probably should look at why you do that - it's not fair on your partner, on your relationship or even yourself.

The thing about deal-breakers is that they are great in theory, but much more difficult to be black and white about when put to the test. Escorting is a deal breaker for you. But now you are testing where your line actually is. And it's probably not as clear cut as you expected.

You need to talk to him. Then you need to take some time to digest what that conversation was about and decide what to do.

meeeeh

Necrominus wrote: »

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

I posted before in this thread and no I don't think that is ok. But at the same time I have very low opinion of men who use escorts and personally I wouldn't want to date one.

The problem I have with it is that there is zero proof he actually slept with prostitutes. And secondly what was op looking for? I don't think she had any suspicions about him, she was just snooping for the sake of snooping and that would make me very uncomfortable. It just seems to me very messy situation.

hal9550

I had a party in my Apartment shortly after moving in. Few lads around! Fair amount of sauce and a trip to a local pub for some pints and grub.

Later that night, one of my mates started browsing the internet on my desktop, in relation to Gyms in the area (i had complained about the one i found).. also in relation to night clubs, pubs and other basic stuff!

Then, another friend, 'CLEARLY JOKING', stood up and said, "Bet you havent checked the most important thing"!! And began openly checking for local prostitution and call girls. This began some light hearted banter on the subject as a few local escorts popped up..

OP if someone looked at my internet search history of 3 years ago it would be LUDICROUSLY SIMPLE to come to the conclusion that:

Shortly after breaking up and moving into my new place, one of the first things i did was look up local escorts
Given the degree by which my investigation was done (surrounding areas) this must have been a serious concern for me

FYI, the friend involved is happily married and i have no doubt it was just in jest.

OP:

Your BF was honest with you. He could very easily have lied and said it was a mate or someone else that did it and he cant remember who
Going back 18 months into someones history is OUTRAGEOUS IMHO

People browse sites out of morbid curiosity. Around the time of the 'Confederate Statues' debate in the US, i browsed several hate sites for that reason. I found the arguments and posts obnoxious and racist..

These activities, and those previously outlined, are commonly branched into an informal activity called 'Browsing the internet for boredom'

Your choice but your BF didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. He has'nt lied to you and was simply honest, and you, having snooped into his privacy, cant accept that. You dont trust him, and this problem is yours

begbysback

I'd leave him op - anyone not smart enough to clear out browser history after a week or two just isn't bf material

hal9550

begbysback wrote: »

I'd leave him op - anyone not smart enough to clear out browser history after a week or two just isn't bf material

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Assuming no one is doing anything illegal why should we all assume that some one may decide to violate our privacy?

Note: While prostitution is illegal, Websites with pictures of escorts are not.. Like i said, morbid curiosity

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

bucketybuck

hal9550 wrote: »

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Its such a strange thing to even say. I'm currently living on my own, I have my own laptop, why on earth would I feel any need whatsoever to clear my browser history?

And if 2 years from now I met somebody, why would I for one second think that I needed to go back and clear my browser history from 2 years ago? In case she decided to snoop into my history and jumped to some conclusions? I think I'd rather know about that sort of behaviour...

OnDraught

C3PO wrote: »

But going forward I have no idea how you will find a guy who has never accessed a porn or escort sites ... I genuinely don't believe they exist!

Id be absolutely amazed if it was the norm for lads to be on escort sites. Out of the 15 or 20 lads I regularly drink with where conversation would be about as open as it gets this has never come up once! Porn is a different story.

begbysback

hal9550 wrote: »

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Assuming no one is doing anything illegal why should we all assume that some one may decide to violate our privacy?

Note: While prostitution is illegal, Websites with pictures of escorts are not.. Like i said, morbid curiosity

Looking at a mans browsing history is like looking into his soul, never to be taken lightly.

Keyzer

If I were him I'd be seriously considering ending the relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

Fred Swanson, post deleted.
All others, can we stick to offering advice to the OP, please.

Thanks

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

tupenny

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Meh, I've looked up escort ireland and read reviews, looked at escorts in my local area etc. Just curiosity.

I have done that too and I'm a woman.
However, would share OPs views on the whole concept of not wanting to be with some1 who paid for sex.. whether he did or not is the issue
So OP while it was a bit nuts to go that far back in his laptop history, you need to find out if it was curiosity or more

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

osarusan

Fred Swanson wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

It would only put the OP's mind at rest in terms of STIs, if that is even an issue.

Even if it is a issue, it's not the only one. For the OP, sex with paid escorts is a deal-breaker. That's how they feel. People might think they have no right to feel that way or whatever, but it's still how they feel.

As far as I can see, they're trying to find out if what they found on the computer can be explained away as simple curiosity or boredom or similar, or if it really does make it very likely that their partner has paid for sex in the past (or at least seriously entertained the idea).

A few posters have mentioned that they have looked up escorts out of curiosity or boredom or some other reason such as research, so maybe that helps the OP.

Yellow pack crisps

You can't force him to tell lies or tell the truth. You can trust him or not though. Plenty of guys look up those sites when they are horny and without intention of ever visiting them! I for instance have great fantasies that I don't want to actually do in real life!

LegacyUser

Firstly yes you snooped but you found out info you needed to know. So you know he was looking up escorts etc in the past. I think you needed to know! Who says he hasn’t slept with them?

Did he say he never has slept with them? Or never has looked this up? I’m not sure what you meant when he said that. Because of course it’s a major red flag if it’s the latter. He’s clearly lying and I’d like to know why if I were you.

It’s not regular run of the mill behavior to use escorts. And in my opinion it is something for you to strongly consider when going forward.

What happens if you temporarily break up?
Or have a huge row in the future?
Or the going gets really tough?
Or he’s with the boys or on a stag?
Do escorts feature then...if he’s done it before the chances are he probably will again.

Big difference between one night stands and paying for sex. If he’s done this before you need to be very clear what happened and what he thinks of this..morally I would not accept.

I was in a very similar situation with an ex of mine. Turned out when the going did get tough he went to escorts and he never really understood what was wrong with paying for sex. I ignored the red flag but it was acceptable for him morally and as part of his character. I maybe could have accepted a one night stand or affair if we needed to work on things but not that kind of business arrangement. It was cold, heartless, callous behavior and against my moral code.

Just my 2cents. If your gut says no and you feel disappointed go with that and cut your ties.

Mokuba

Beenthere87 wrote: »

Firstly yes you snooped but you found out info you needed to know. So you know he was looking up escorts etc in the past. I think you needed to know! Who says he hasn’t slept with them?

Did he say he never has slept with them? Or never has looked this up? I’m not sure what you meant when he said that. Because of course it’s a major red flag if it’s the latter. He’s clearly lying and I’d like to know why if I were you.

I was in a very similar situation with an ex of mine. Turned out when the going did get tough he went to escorts and he never really understood what was wrong with paying for sex. I ignored the red flag but it was acceptable for him morally and as part of his character. I maybe could have accepted a one night stand or affair if we needed to work on things but not that kind of business arrangement. It was cold, heartless, callous behavior and against my moral code.

Just my 2cents. If your gut says no and you feel disappointed go with that and cut your ties.

What did she find out? That he has visited a website? That is no indication of anything other than he visited a website. I've had a look at the website in question before with friends as a joke - it wasn't acted upon.

Many others in this thread have done the same - whether through boredom, curiosity, for comedy etc. Not a crime.

How have you come to the conclusion he is clearly lying? I'm wondering how you could have decided that having never met him.

Seems you are projecting your own issues onto the OP.

As for the OP you can either trust him or you can't. I get the feeling you won't be able to anyway considering the lengths you went to, to find out pretty much nothing really.

GingerLily

Mokuba wrote: »

What did she find out? That he has visited a website? That is no indication of anything other than he visited a website. I've had a look at the website in question before with friends as a joke - it wasn't acted upon.

The OP has implied he's done a lot more then one sneaky web search, it sounds like he was either using escorts or obsessed with looking them up, both are red flags.

LegacyUser

Mokuba wrote: »

I've had a look at the website in question before with friends as a joke - it wasn't acted upon.

I don’t see where the OPs bf has said he looked this up as a joke so that’s a BIG presumption.

How have you come to the conclusion he is clearly lying? I'm wondering how you could have decided that having never met him.

The OP wrote that her bf said he never would and never has. I was asking the OP what was that in relation to
That he has never visited an escort?
Or that he has never looked them up?

Because like I said if it’s the latter he’s clearly lying. He HAS looked them up in the past and if he’s lying about that well that’s not good. Why not tell the truth?

Seems you are projecting your own issues onto the OP..

I’m not projecting my own issues. I was merely asking the OP what he has said he ‘never did’. And also offering my 2cents because I was in a similar situation and of course it may work out differently but at the time I would have appreciated hearing from someone who went through something similar. Having done a lot to recover from that relationship, I’ve learned that to know my boyfriend has possibly been with escorts now would just a deal breaker for me.