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Dumped by ex, now she wants to get back together

LegacyUser

Hi all. My ex dumped me a few months ago, it hit me pretty hard . Recently she got back in touch saying she made a mistake and wants to get back together. Am i mad to consider it? We had no bad blood when we broke up, she said she had feeings but that 'she had a lot going on in her head/life and couldnt honestly see a long term future'. So, if i wasn't the right guy for her then, whats changed? Will i always feel that she is settling, or that she will drop me again? Part of me thinks i will lose respect for myself by taking her back.
Anyway, just interested in other peoples views. Would you take back an ex? Have you done it and did it work out?

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miamee

It depends on a lot of things. Why she broke up with you in the first place and how she did it (was she kind or not, did she speak to you face to face or send a text, etc) and what does she think has changed about her situation now and makes her think this will work?

Did her reasons for breaking up and now her reasons for getting back together seem realistic?

Lots of things to take into consideration but I think you are on the right track in thinking what's going to stop her breaking up with you again?

[Deleted User]

dumped99 wrote: »

Hi all. My ex dumped me a few months ago, it hit me pretty hard . Recently she got back in touch saying she made a mistake and wants to get back together. Am i mad to consider it? We had no bad blood when we broke up, she said she had feeings but that 'she had a lot going on in her head/life and couldnt honestly see a long term future'. So, if i wasn't the right guy for her then, whats changed? Will i always feel that she is settling, or that she will drop me again? Part of me thinks i will lose respect for myself by taking her back.
Anyway, just interested in other peoples views. Would you take back an ex? Have you done it and did it work out?

Personally you deserve better than this head fúck. Up to you but it would be a risk taking her back, that's only my opinion and speaking from experience

Hmm_Messiah

Deleted User wrote: »

Personally you deserve better than this head fúck. Up to you but it would be a risk taking her back, that's only my opinion and speaking from experience

Jump to conclusions much ? How exactly have you worked out she is a head fúck

He said there was no bad blood at break up, she gave an explanation , and acknowledged she had feelings

People ( in my life at least) are allowed to make mistakes, and allowed to have regrets . Of course it could be disastrous, but that's for them both to sit down and talk through - as others said what is different now ? will the reasons for the breakup resurface

There are many people who break up, get back together and have happily long lives as a couple. equally there are many where it does not work out

IF I broke up with some one due to circumstances rather than lack of feelings - e.g. the world is a tough place at times, and often I had serious overwhelming work or family issues - I would love to think a person I cared for might be open to at least revisiting the affection

OP - if you have/ had real feelings for this girl I would suggest lots of talking, - I hope the outcome is the best one for you

[Deleted User]

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

Jump to conclusions much ? How exactly have you worked out she is a head fúck

He said there was no bad blood at break up, she gave an explanation , and acknowledged she had feelings

Fair enough but I'd advise the OP to err on the side of caution here all the same. Don't make it too easy for her

I'm skeptical how she is suddenly in this great head space all of a sudden to throw herself back into the relationship. It's a great leap to suddenly get back with someone who wasn't all that invested in the relationship to begin with.

I wish the OP well whatever the scenario but there is plenty of fish in the sea

LegacyUser

miamee wrote: »

It depends on a lot of things. Why she broke up with you in the first place and how she did it (was she kind or not, did she speak to you face to face or send a text, etc) and what does she think has changed about her situation now and makes her think this will work?

Did her reasons for breaking up and now her reasons for getting back together seem realistic?

Lots of things to take into consideration but I think you are on the right track in thinking what's going to stop her breaking up with you again?

Thanks. Yes she was kind, respectful breaking up and we parted on ok terms. From what i understand she thinks that she panicked and felt there was too much going on in her life, honestly I dont think anything has changed in her life since then though

Virgil°

My thoughts here OP would be to let this one go.

I could well be wrong but my read of the situation(her brake-up comments included) is thus:

She realized over a period of time that you weren't for her or she got bored of the relationship/spark died etc... You get the idea. She broke up with you. No foul so far. This stuff happens.
However in my experience when the feelings fade like this or if she was just lukewarm from the beginning(you didn't say how long you were going out) they don't come back.
If all of that is the case make no mistake, she's not coming back because she wants you or suddenly copped she made a mistake. Most likely her experience of singledom wasn't as lucrative as she'd hoped and shes using you as a stopgap until someone who REALLY presses her buttons shows up.
When all that happens you'll be back at square one except you've lost any progress you've made in the meantime, stifled your chances at meeting someone who genuinely wants to be with you and she wont have skipped a beat.

As i say i could be way off the mark but thats what i took from it.

Gorgeousgeorge

Move on. Whats to stop her from doing the same thing in 5 years time. Did she have someone else on the go and that didnt work out? These are the things you need to find out

Tom Mann Centuria

If it hurt last time OP, imagine the hurt 2nd time around. Not worth the risk, and it happening again would always be in the back of your head. Move on.

tupenny

The grass wasn't greener for her.
She wouldn't risk losing you if she cared enough.
I'd ignore her, just my opinion

arayess

I'd bet that you are the fallback option as you suspect.

she may be the exception but I wouldn't bank on it.

The only relationships I have known that were successful after previously breaking up have been ones where there was a significant break i.e years between them
otherwise the issues haven't been ironed out or its just a rebounded due to desperation

punisher5112

Hi op had a girl do this to me and she really fcuked up my head..,

Meant a lot to me and done so much for her when I look back and to be honest was used big time.

She broke up with me and it hit me hard she went off couldn't give a sh1t but we met up again and she wanted to get back put it this way my brain wasn't doing the thinking and she fcuked me over again and used me and threw me to the side.

It was extremely hurtful and really affected me for a very long time.

Best bet move on.

If someone has things going on in their life then that should be part of ones partners life too unless its something really stupid.

If someone loves another they should be there for them.

GingerLily

If she can explain why it will be different this time, and you believe her, and you want to, then you can give her a second shot - but from what you've said here nothings really changed.

I'm a massive believer in secondo chances, but only when both people want it for the right reasons.

Icepick

Do you see a long term future with her? If you cannot and just want to see what happens, forget her.
If you do, act like it, because you clearly didn't as far as she was concerned. So you need to talk about this and find out why she thought you weren't committed enough.

Staplor

Give it a lash, but be cautious, take it slow and don't get too attached to quickly. You'll quickly see if she's playing games or not.

I disagree with the idea you were hurt once so it'll be worse the second time. Give it a go, you like her, just be mindful and respectful of yourself and your own emotions.

leggo

I had an ex like this. Went perfectly for a while, we had one thing we disagreed about and she ran, then kinda ghosted me. Reasons were similar to what you've given. I took it badly. A few months later, I met someone else, and when she caught wind she began liking everything on my Facebook. Broke up from that relationship after a fight, then matched with ex on Tinder. She said all the right things and started to convince me that maybe it could be different this time. I ended up passing because I made up with the other girl, but she had me on the ropes.

Earlier this year, after the latter relationship had ended for good, we met up. We had good chats and clicked like we had before, though life had happened in the meantime and, being honest, I wanted more for myself than she had given me so I didn't see us getting back together. I kinda relayed this to her as gently as I could, saying that I'd be interested in casual but nothing more. She launched into a fairly convincing spiel she'd prepared for how it'd work out now, then went to the bathroom. I felt like this was a bit of a tactic, and if it was it backfired, because as she was in the bathroom I realised that she'd given me pretty much the exact same speech on the night of our first date.

Point is: people can change, but they often don't. After we broke up, I learned that how she treated me at the end was kind of her trademark. Given that she'd unknowingly given me the exact same speech twice, I had every reason to believe that if I'd have gone back, the exact same thing would've ended up happening.

OP I'm not going to tell you not to go back to her. If you're still hung up on her, you'll probably do it regardless of what everyone says. But what I will say is to keep my story, and the experiences of others, in mind and look out for it if you decide to explore the option (which is a perfectly understandable thing to do). There's every chance she's the exact same, the exact same thing will happen and you'll hurt the same as you did except feeling foolish on top of it for believing her. In fact I'd say that's the most likely outcome unless you see indisputable evidence of change beyond her words (which can be lies). The timing of her decision to reconsider, without any kind of prompting, would lead me to think that all evidence points to nothing changing so far.

Redondo50

Do you really want to be with someone who dumped you because she had "too much going on in her life"? Move on, and have fun meeting the countless amazing women out there.

lazybones32

You still like/love her?
Do you want to meet her again?

Personally, i think i'd like to meet her again for a proper conversation; to get answers to the questions you've asked in the op and to air any grievance that still lingers. I think you should be honest about your doubts if you do meet her again but i wouldn't automatically assume that she's using you.
I'd give an afternoon in a relaxed place to talk and if her answers seem genuine and don't contradict, she's prob being honest. People make mistakes and poor decisions. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone. And it might turn out op, that an hoir or two with her will make you realise that you don't want to get back with her.

GuessWhoEh

Personally I’m a big believer in giving people second chances. Within reason.

I gave my ex a second chance after months of not talking, we got back together and 4 months later he ended it again stating he wasn’t happy. Again, I gave him a second chance thinking the first time was just a rush between us, turned out, he never really changed.

There’s no harm in seeing how it goes the second time BUT there’s going to be a lot of questions asked. There’s not going to be as much trust there as you want too. There’s going to be a lot of tip toeing around and it’s a question of, is that what you are willing to do? Do you love her that much to see how it will work the second time.

I adored and loved my ex which is why I gave him a second chance and when he ended it again it made me realise that giving people second chances can usually mean you’re not ready to let go conpleltly. Do you want to let go? Or do you want to go ahead with it again and see what happens?

Have you got a lot to lose?

You would have to sit down and have a long talk with her and see exactly what it is she wants. Is it cause she’s lonely or is it because she genuinely thinks she made a mistake?

You never know unless you don’t ask or try.

Good luck

[Deleted User]

leggo wrote: »

I had an ex like this. Went perfectly for a while, we had one thing we disagreed about and she ran, then kinda ghosted me. Reasons were similar to what you've given. I took it badly. A few months later, I met someone else, and when she caught wind she began liking everything on my Facebook. Broke up from that relationship after a fight, then matched with ex on Tinder. She said all the right things and started to convince me that maybe it could be different this time. I ended up passing because I made up with the other girl, but she had me on the ropes.

Earlier this year, after the latter relationship had ended for good, we met up. We had good chats and clicked like we had before, though life had happened in the meantime and, being honest, I wanted more for myself than she had given me so I didn't see us getting back together. I kinda relayed this to her as gently as I could, saying that I'd be interested in casual but nothing more. She launched into a fairly convincing spiel she'd prepared for how it'd work out now, then went to the bathroom. I felt like this was a bit of a tactic, and if it was it backfired, because as she was in the bathroom I realised that she'd given me pretty much the exact same speech on the night of our first date.

Point is: people can change, but they often don't. After we broke up, I learned that how she treated me at the end was kind of her trademark. Given that she'd unknowingly given me the exact same speech twice, I had every reason to believe that if I'd have gone back, the exact same thing would've ended up happening.

OP I'm not going to tell you not to go back to her. If you're still hung up on her, you'll probably do it regardless of what everyone says. But what I will say is to keep my story, and the experiences of others, in mind and look out for it if you decide to explore the option (which is a perfectly understandable thing to do). There's every chance she's the exact same, the exact same thing will happen and you'll hurt the same as you did except feeling foolish on top of it for believing her. In fact I'd say that's the most likely outcome unless you see indisputable evidence of change beyond her words (which can be lies). The timing of her decision to reconsider, without any kind of prompting, would lead me to think that all evidence points to nothing changing so far.

punisher5112 wrote: »

Hi op had a girl do this to me and she really fcuked up my head..,

Meant a lot to me and done so much for her when I look back and to be honest was used big time.

She broke up with me and it hit me hard she went off couldn't give a sh1t but we met up again and she wanted to get back put it this way my brain wasn't doing the thinking and she fcuked me over again and used me and threw me to the side.

It was extremely hurtful and really affected me for a very long time.

Best bet move on.

If someone has things going on in their life then that should be part of ones partners life too unless its something really stupid.

If someone loves another they should be there for them.

Jeez lads we must have dated the same woman. Either that or they are all crazy biatches :pac:

Same shíte here. Invested almost a year in a girl i was mad about but the penny dropped it was all one way traffic whether i cared to admit it at the time or not. Her idea of meeting up for the weekend was for me to tag along to her meeting up with her mates so i got fed up of following them around the pub like a lamb and went off doing my own thing (having a quiet drink at the bar by myself nothing dodgy) and she threw a sulk, ignored me for a week and ended it but threw in the carrot that 'we might' get back together down the line.

Low and behold around 8 or 9 months later she contacts me out of the blue off and on for the next few weeks. Not sure what her expectations were at that point to be honest. dump a guy and then expect him to beg you to take him back. I suppose a little voice kept telling me to resist and im now glad i went with that instinct. Of course she eventually dropped her contacting and got together with another fella. Ill admit i did regret it for a good while and was foolishy jealous of her new relationship but when i actually remind myself of her behaviour that time, it makes me realise how lucky i am. Who needs mind games when the world is full of decent and beautiful women?

If the OP is going to work things out then the very very best of luck... but chances are that 90-99% percent of the time it ends up a waste of your time and energy. Energy that you could be putting into someone alot worthier.

LegacyUser

OP here again.. really grateful to ALL of you have replied with advice. Some great questions and points there to think about... it helps a lot to hear other perspectives.
Yes, Im still hung up on her. I really dont think shes a bad person, but i think she's struggling with what she wants out of life. The more i think about it the more i find it hard to reconcile the fact that she thought she didnt have a future with me... and i dont think i can let that go. I want to have a good talk with her and see how it feels to be around her, see if she is any clearer about her life.. and also if there is a plausible explanation for the change of heart. I'll definitely thread carefully.

B.A._Baracus

Hey man,
If I put myself in your shoes I could not get back. Too much messing around.

My two cents is that she either thought the grass was greener (she dated someone else that you do not know about and that did not work out) or wanted to sleep around and since that isn't as fun anymore (+ misses having someone) she will go back to you.

The trust is broken.

judeboy101

OP, if you do take her back insist on a pregnancy test before intimacy, just to be sure. (an STD screening mightn't go amiss either)

dr.fuzzenstein

I love this forum. If you want to receive the answer "dump the bitch/bastard", just ask any question here. What's more disturbing is the amount of thanks those posts get.
OP, first I have to give relationship forum advise. Don't just blindly follow advise from some randomer on the internet who tells you to do something.
Only you can know if you want her back. No one here can know what was going through her or your head. If the world was as cut'n'dry as it is to so many geniuses on the internet, we wouldn't need advise forums.
In the end it's not a logical checklist decision. You have to ask yourself the question.

punisher5112

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

I love this forum. If you want to receive the answer "dump the bitch/bastard", just ask any question here. What's more disturbing is the amount of thanks those posts get.
OP, first I have to give relationship forum advise. Don't just blindly follow advise from some randomer on the internet who tells you to do something.
Only you can know if you want her back. No one here can know what was going through her or your head. If the world was as cut'n'dry as it is to so many geniuses on the internet, we wouldn't need advise forums.
In the end it's not a logical checklist decision. You have to ask yourself the question.

Are you the fellas girl....

Look others like myself are giving our side.

Totally up to op what they do but it can be a help of course to hear both sides.

timmy880

Thanks. Yes she was kind, respectful breaking up and we parted on ok terms. From what i understand she thinks that she panicked and felt there was too much going on in her life, honestly I dont think anything has changed in her life since then though

It's up to you whether you like her enough to give her another chance but what exactly does "too much going on in her life" mean? I assume she still has the same things going on that she would have a few months ago like work, family, studying or whatever..... From my experience of being treated similarly, people like this will bail again.

Neyite

Mod:
radiata, you've been asked before by a mod not to post one-liner quips. This is an advice forum to give genuine, helpful advice, and you post was deleted as it was below that standard.

Read the charter. The next time you do this, it will be a yellow card.

[Deleted User]

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

I love this forum. If you want to receive the answer "dump the bitch/bastard", just ask any question here. What's more disturbing is the amount of thanks those posts get.
OP, first I have to give relationship forum advise. Don't just blindly follow advise from some randomer on the internet who tells you to do something.
Only you can know if you want her back. No one here can know what was going through her or your head. If the world was as cut'n'dry as it is to so many geniuses on the internet, we wouldn't need advise forums.
In the end it's not a logical checklist decision. You have to ask yourself the question.

And your different from the rest of randomers on the internet are you? :rolleyes:

Every one has advised the OP that it's entirely his decision but based on all of our similar experience we advise him to be very wary in this case and that this is the pitfall of getting back with someone on their request in spite of them requesting to end the relationship.

It's perfect and relevant advice

Virgil°

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

I love this forum. If you want to receive the answer "dump the bitch/bastard", just ask any question here. What's more disturbing is the amount of thanks those posts get.
OP, first I have to give relationship forum advise. Don't just blindly follow advise from some randomer on the internet who tells you to do something.
Only you can know if you want her back. No one here can know what was going through her or your head. If the world was as cut'n'dry as it is to so many geniuses on the internet, we wouldn't need advise forums.
In the end it's not a logical checklist decision. You have to ask yourself the question.

Such utter drivel. So your only contribution to someone who came here for advise is not to listen to any advise but yours and to just make up his own mind? Genius.
And in the same breath you've the cheek to have a pop at those who took the time out of their day to help the OP?

LegacyUser

Not going to offer advice one way or the other OP but will give you a word of warning. I was in your position many years ago and learned a very difficult lesson. I got spectacularly dumped and cheated on by an ex. I lost a huge amount of confidence, self-esteem, will to continue and time during the shock and grieving process. My mental health took a huge hit and every area of my life was deeply affected. Just as I had worked my way back to some level of normality the ex came back full of apologies and regret and literally begged their way back into my life. A short time later they turned around and did the exact same thing again. The second time was much worse. Not only did I return to a hopeless place of grief, shock and loss of self confidence and will to continue but this time it was coupled with a burning anger directed at myself that I'd allowed myself to be so hurt and taken advantage of a second time. It took a long time to recover from that and it is very much a work in progress. Be careful before you allow people back into the fold a second time - particularly if they have showed you by their words and actions who they really are. When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time.

Calypso Realm

dumped99 wrote: »

H We had no bad blood when we broke up, she said she had feeings but that 'she had a lot going on in her head/life and couldnt honestly see a long term future'.

This. While, from personal experience, I can fully understand the importance of timing etc, the above would concern me. I think you need to probe this fully with her further, before you consider your next steps.

I would take as much time as you need. If she's truly serious about you she won't be going anywhere....