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The Barista Hysteria

A Battered Mars Bar

It was early Thursday morning. Very early it was. A retro alarm clock, the kind you'd see in all good 80's movies buzzed on a mahogany table alongside my bed.

Tap one. Snooze. 5 minutes. Buzz. Damn. Tap two. Just one more snooze. 10 minutes. Buzz. Ok, Ok, time to get up from my slumber.

It was clear I was groggy and needed a fix. A coffee fix. What was not clear was the commute to work. A dense fog rolled across the land. This must be what my head looks like I thought. The coffeeshop is enroute luckily. It's nothing special just another corporate coffee shop. Do I say cafe? .... hmm I don't know. It feels more like a shop.

I'm late. Shouldn't have had that snooze. I wistfully entered. Oh great a queue again. 5 people. All equally as groggy as me except for one woman. Who stood prim and proper. Oh she doesn't need coffee I hastened. Just here for show.

Two Baristas. Yes two manned the machine. A modern and rather overly complicated looking device while a third took orders. Despite their best efforts with work and efficency it was clear they could not keep up. Two more customers behind me now....now a third a fourth and by the fifth I was next.

Thank goodness and thank you I said as I received my fix. I couldn't help but feel it should have been passed under the counter to me in a brown paper bag.

I sat in my car and sipped and thought to myself. It's just coffee and it's not half as good as what I make at home nor is it quick...I thought some more with another sip. What if....just what if they had a machine where you could place 5 cups together. And press a button and each cup would be filled with a coffee of your choice in seconds.

I know a place that has such machines and their coffee is just as good if not better. But they serve food too so not much more effecient. It would be nice to have a store that can just serve a customer coffee in an instant. No need for fuss or 3 Baristas. Just a button pusher and a smile.

One can dream I suppose. I know, I'll hit that snooze button again....just one more

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Zebra3

Fascinating.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Unreal story, tell it again

bucketybuck

I bet in your head that all sounded very interesting.

McMurphy

My dogs breath smells of dog arse because it licks its own hole.

The_Valeyard

Zebra3 wrote: »

Fascinating.

andekwarhola

They're a necessary evil if you end up in the circuit court or higher, I guess.

Are Am Eye

There was Barista Hysteria,
When the milk had Listeria,
She was prim and proper and didn't need coffee,
She might have caught me checking out her ass.

[Deleted User]

Do you like loafing around, filling in the odd sodoku, aimlessly filling in the day while avoiding a real job?

Well becoming a "barista" is just the role for you. And it comes with the bonus that you can feel superior to the hard working kitchen and floor staff...

smurgen

Prefer the self service machines.better for my blood pressure.

Sky King

That read like a Sindo colour feature.

(I stopped mid way through btw)

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Fantacoffee

Lee Early Funnel wrote: »

Unreal story, tell it again

*eagerly still waiting for the story to be retold*

p.s. is waiting 2 mins for 1 of 3 baristas to prepare your coffee costing much of your time in any day?

Hande hoche!

So many coffee threads..

JohnnyFlash

A barista is a pretty unskilled job. You fill the thing with coffee, put the thing in the machine, and press the button so coffee flows into the cup.

SmartinMartin

I wouldn't mind, but coffee is awful stuff, the Devil's p1ss.

yabadabado

I'd be shocked if Spielberg isnt chasing down the rights to this fascinating story .

the beer revolu

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A barista is a pretty unskilled job. You fill the thing with coffee, put the thing in the machine, and press the button so coffee flows into the cup.

You couldn't be more wrong.
Variables:
Grind size (coarse/fine)
Dose (by weight)
Tamp pressure
Duration of shot.
Temperature of the cup.

I won't even go into the skill involved in steaming milk properly as I don't drink milky coffees and don't know much about it.

They are just the obvious ones that the batista (hate that term) has direct control of and if any of these are wrong, the coffee will be anywhere from less than perfect to awful.

Many other variables for the café, too:
The coffee beans.
The freshness of the beans.
The quality of the machine.
The set up of the machine (temp, pressure).

Probably more that I'm not thinking of.

Most people making coffee in cafés really don't have a clue what they are doing or don't care.

It really is a skilful job that takes proper training.

I am not and have never been a batista.

jim-mcdee

This coffee fad won't last I tells ya. Most Batista's are useless because the public can't tell good coffee from bad myself included same as wine which is why I always buy the cheapest.

Hoboo

Nice to see Peig is alive and well.

Hoboo

jim-mcdee wrote: »

This coffee fad won't last I tells ya. Most Batista's are useless because the public can't tell good coffee from bad myself included same as wine which is why I always buy the cheapest.

Go to a wine shop, spend about 20 on a decent Malbec. You'll know the difference.

the beer revolu

jim-mcdee wrote: »

Most Batista's are useless because the public can't tell good coffee from bad myself included same as wine which is why I always buy the cheapest.

This bit I agree with.
Mostly, the public get what the public deserve.

However, coffee is hardly a fad. Just because decent coffee is relatively new in Ireland does not mean it's a new thing. Coffee in Ireland has generally been getting progressively better for 25 years. Do you think everyone will go back to drinking instant?

jim-mcdee

the beer revolu wrote: »

This bit I agree with.
Mostly, the public get what the public deserve.

However, coffee is hardly a fad. Just because decent coffee is relatively new in Ireland does not mean it's a new thing. Coffee in Ireland has generally been getting progressively better for 25 years. Do you think everyone will go back to drinking instant?

No just the pomp around coffee. Coffee is around a long time but the Irish only have it 40 odd years. It's still new to us. Go to Brazil and you find good coffee everywhere but none of the pomp and ceremony. We are like a Chinese barman pulling a Guinness.

CalamariFritti

I love coffee. Its not that easy either. There is a world of a difference between a good and a bad cup of coffee, but I agree with the OP. Its mostly used by those fancy coffee shops as a vehicle to charge an arm and a leg for not much.

Was in Costa the other day and a medium cappuccino is €3.80 now, lol. Also they had Pastel de Natas. These are little custard pastries that in Portugal they will give you practically for free with your coffee and Lidl has them too now. They're 3 for €2 in Lidl. Only in Costa they are 'posh custard somethings' and they cost €2.60 a piece. Now these are tiny yokes. If you're greedy you gulp them down in one go. But Costa's are flying it and all the other stuff is equally expensive in there. Wherever they open they're full with people.

In a way I like that. Sitting down in the afternoon for a coffee and a chat in nice surroundings is a nice thing. Its a nice piece of continental culture and there is nothing wrong with adapting some of it, eclectic of sorts, why not. But we're looking at almost €7 for a cup of milk coffee with a tiny pastry piece. That often used line came to my mind, 'thats why we cant have nice things'. Greedy ****ers.

The Rape of Lucretia

The real problem with coffee in most cafés is the quality of the water. No matter the skill and care of the barista, it is what ruins coffee in most places in Ireland. The filtration and mineral balance is critical and difficult to do yourself even with some of the expensive gear disgned for coffee quality water. If you can get you hands on still Ferrarelle, it's terrific, but as far as I know, no shop in Ireland is making its coffee with a quality imported coffee suitable water.

Akrasia

the beer revolu wrote: »

You couldn't be more wrong.
Variables:
Grind size (coarse/fine)
Dose (by weight)
Tamp pressure
Duration of shot.
Temperature of the cup.

I won't even go into the skill involved in steaming milk properly as I don't drink milky coffees and don't know much about it.

They are just the obvious ones that the batista (hate that term) has direct control of and if any of these are wrong, the coffee will be anywhere from less than perfect to awful.

Many other variables for the café, too:
The coffee beans.
The freshness of the beans.
The quality of the machine.
The set up of the machine (temp, pressure).

Probably more that I'm not thinking of.

Most people making coffee in cafés really don't have a clue what they are doing or don't care.

It really is a skilful job that takes proper training.

I am not and have never been a batista.

Proper training, like an hour of instruction and a week or two of supervision by someone with experience?

Like every other unskilled job?

The guy pushing trollies around shopping center car parks needs about this much training

CalamariFritti

Its the chlorine in our tap water. Some days its so strong you wouldn't want to drink a glass of water.

the beer revolu

Akrasia wrote: »

Proper training, like an hour of instruction and a week or two of supervision by someone with experience?

Like every other unskilled job?

The guy pushing trollies around shopping center car parks needs about this much training

How come so few people can make proper coffee?

Akrasia

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

The real problem with coffee in most cafés is the quality of the water. No matter the skill and care of the barista, it is what ruins coffee in most places in Ireland. The filtration and mineral balance is critical and difficult to do yourself even with some of the expensive gear disgned for coffee quality water. If you can get you hands on still Ferrarelle, it's terrific, but as far as I know, no shop in Ireland is making its coffee with a quality imported coffee suitable water.

I think the water, while important, is not as vital as the quality of the air. During the brewing process, the surrounding air gets infused with all the elements of the beverage. Irish air has a higher nitrogen content compared with Brazilian air because the proximity to the Amazon causes increased oxygen content. A real Barista will brew their coffee in a pressurized chamber with an oxygen content of 22% an increased 1.5% argon concentration and nitrogen limited to a maximum of 65% as it is a key ingredient in fertilizer that is known to react with the coffee and make it taste like sh1t

Chinasea

But we insisted we all love ‘Americanos’. Half the time it is bitter; too strong, luke warm and expensive. We had perfectly good filter coffee. IMO the nicest coffee. I’m referring to the coffee in those coffee/brew pots, but we got sold a pup or more like bought one and thought americancos were sophisticated. A few places sell filter. Kilkenny design; Shoe Lane, Eason.

America, Sweden have filter in most cafes as the default.

Akrasia

the beer revolu wrote: »

How come so few people can make proper coffee?

I’ve had coffee in places where everyone raves about how great the coffee is, and I’ve had coffee in the local cafe where the staff just followed the instructions on the machine. Can’t really tell the difference unless the milk is sour or something stupid like that

I’m just talking about coffee btw, not that latte, frapachino, mocha stuff