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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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frag420

Can I come too... wrote: »

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Unless you're an infertile orphan...

thesandeman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe "can i come too" went too to the same wedding. :P

But was he invited?

coolhull

Tonight, there was steam coming from the kitchen.
When I checked, I saw that it was one of my spare socks boiling away merrily in a saucepan on the cooker.
I asked my girlfriend,
"What's going on?"
My girlfriend (who is a bit hard of hearing) said.....

"Don't you remember?This morning , you asked me if I'd cook your sock tonight".

TheBody

I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts

patmac

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

chewed

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

mad m

A clown who was sacked by a circus for being late has brought a funfair dismissal case against them:pac:

Suckit

An American guy goes to Belfast and the taxi driver at the airport asks him his religion. The passenger says he's Jewish, and the cab driver says, oh I understand. A minute of silence passes and the driver asks, so are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?

Lon.C

What's the first thing Neil Armstrong said when he set foot on the moon?????
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.

.
There's no fookin' way a cow jumped over this!!!!!

Larry Bee

Lon.C wrote: »

What's the first thing Neil Armstrong said when he set foot on the moon?????

There's no fookin' way a cow jumped over this!!!!!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? I'll put that thing in my mouth when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

[Deleted User]

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

Capt'n Midnight

The urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is only a whim away.

[Deleted User]

Thespacebarisbrokenonmykeyboardagain!

Loafing Oaf

How do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs spend their nights?

Lying awake wondering if there's a dog.

branie2

Was it a Catholic dog or a Protestant dog?

MonkieSocks

chewed wrote: »

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?

A. A KGB

TheBody

Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils.

He said it was a whisk worth taking.

coolhull

In Turkey, on holiday, I came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor,
below the neckline,
inside the ears,
snipped out nose hairs,
waxed off chest hairs
AND
plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack finishing off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub
Honestly,
the wife's never looked so good!!!

[Deleted User]

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?

A. A KGB

Cagey Bees aren't that trustworthy either :P

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call an Kerry Rastafarian?

Eamon.

dilallio

chewed wrote: »

Q. What type of bee is never understood?

A. A Mumble Bee!

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Q. What type of Bee must never be Trusted?

A. A KGB

What type of Bees have the most milk?

BOOBIES!

valoren

The next time you enter a restaurant, choose a random stranger of your preference.
When you catch their eye, maintain eye contact for a while, look away, and act like nothing happened.
After a while, do so again, this time keeping contact for a longer period.
The stranger will most likely start paying more attention to you, but act normally.
Keep this up for a while, before walking up to them.
Greet, and ask them to close their eyes and picture a playing card.

Now, when they are doing this, eat as much of their food as you can and run away.

:pac:

MonkieSocks

valoren wrote: »

The next time you enter a restaurant, choose a random stranger of your preference.
When you catch their eye, maintain eye contact for a while, look away, and act like nothing happened.
After a while, do so again, this time keeping contact for a longer period.
The stranger will most likely start paying more attention to you, but act normally.
Keep this up for a while, before walking up to them.
Greet, and ask them to close their eyes and picture a playing card.

Now, when they are doing this, eat as much of their food as you can and run away.

:pac:

:rolleyes: I'm not falling for that one again.

________________________________________

Overheard in a Monastery Kitchen:

Visitor - "Are You a Fish Friar?"

Reply - "No, I'm a Chip Monk."

Hagar7

Id love to tell everyone about my coconut joke,sadly i cant.

TheBody

Seriously pissed pissed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd ****s on my front lawn.

To make matters worse, today he brought his dog.

Loafing Oaf

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

How do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs spend their nights?

Lying awake wondering if there's a dog.

How did this brilliant gag only pick up two likes?:mad:

Maybe this one will be more up ye're alley, as it were:

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your whole week.

Capt'n Midnight

The view from England

"So the fifth round of brexit negotiations get underway in Brussels this week.

If past form is anything to go by, we should reach the semi-finals then get knocked out on penalties."

Capt'n Midnight

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and five others to provide suppressing fire.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a bear with no ears?

B

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

How did this brilliant gag only pick up two likes?:mad:
.

Perhaps because it was posted at least three times on the previous thread.