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Wedding Planner Trouble

caimitator

Hi All,

Sorry if this post is in the wrong place, and sorry for the length of post!

I'm just looking for a bit of advice.

Got engaged May of 2016, and originally the plan was to get married in Spain. However, in May of this year we decided that getting married in Ireland was better for us and began looking at venues. As you can imagine, looking for a weekend wedding next Summer has been challenging in terms of availability (totally our own fault). Furthermore, we're looking for a venue that would do a Friday wedding with a Saturday second day option (I know, I know, we're pushing it).

Anyway, we've gone to see 8 venues, and at the weekend we were offered a venue we really like for the Bank Holiday next year in August which is ideal.

At the start of June, we met with a wedding planner and decided to go ahead with her. On the first day we met her, we told her how the wedding we had planned in Spain was to be on the 1st September but that we'd be looking for earlier if it was in Ireland. When we filled out her consultation documents, under "Date of Wedding", we put "July/August 2018".

Before we went to see the venue in question, the wedding planner emailed their availability and mentioned the August Bank Holiday. After we saw the venue, she mentioned that the venue were still willing to offer us the Bank Holiday and would we like her to hold the dates for us? Of course we said yes.

The next day, we received an email from her stating that she's actually not free on the August Bank Holiday 2018 and that she's really sorry she didn't realise this but that she's going through an illness in her extended family and she has been distracted and she didn't check the dates when we said it.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? How did you proceed? We have paid a deposit, but not the total fee.

Thanks, sorry again for length

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Bacchus

Ghekko wrote: »

If I were you I'd say no more about it to anyone and book it. Once it's booked and deposit is paid then tell the family. After that don't tell anyone anything as someone will always have an opinion.

BTW, this applies to EVERY decision you (and your partner) make about YOUR wedding. Do not seek other peoples input if you are not prepared for it to turn into an issue. Notable exceptions being...
- wedding dress - you'll get opinions but no drama
- bridesmaids dress - the more you involve them the better TBH

Everything else is no-ones business really.

caimitator

Just a quick update.

The wedding planner "moved things around" and now is available the weekend of our wedding (turns out it was a personal holiday she had planned).

We went ahead and booked the venue despite my sister's disappointment with the date.

caimitator

Sorry to resurrect this thread. I'm hoping to get some advice...again.

As the wedding planning has progressed, my sisters have not been involved at all. I bring up an idea and they don't respond or have an input. The odd time when I ask for an opinion, they reply with one word. I had it out with my younger sister (26) today and the crux of the issue is still the birthdays - see above.

My younger sister's birthday will be the day before the wedding. My older sister's birthday is the day of the wedding. Today my younger sister said,

"You never once thought of how your wedding date would also monopolise my birthday with rehearsal dinner and prep etc. You asked for advice about how [older sister] would be about having her Birthday the day of the wedding. You never asked me what I thought of the date once. I think you’re well aware I don’t agree with the date you chose and you quite clearly ignored my opinion entirely"

What should I do?

GingerLily

Can you do try incorporate her birthday into the rehearsal dinner etc.?
You did seem to pick a very inconvenient date for both your sisters, you should probably try acknowledge that if you want them to move past it.

caimitator

GingerLily wrote: »

Can you do try incorporate her birthday into the rehearsal dinner etc.?
You did seem to pick a very inconvenient date for both your sisters, you should probably try acknowledge that if you want them to move past it.

I've said that we will have no rehearsal dinner and that the second day of celebrations can be a birthday celebration where they can invite people because I know it's inconvenient for them.

GingerLily

caimitator wrote: »

I've said that we will have no rehearsal dinner and that the second day of celebrations can be a birthday celebration where they can invite people because I know it's inconvenient for them.

Not really anything else to can do then.

I would adjust my expectations if I were you - people, especially family, aren't always as enthusiastic about the wedding planning as the couple getting married.

Tigger

caimitator wrote: »

Just a quick update.

The wedding planner "moved things around" and now is available the weekend of our wedding (turns out it was a personal holiday she had planned).

We went ahead and booked the venue despite my sister's disappointment with the date.

you are being given the run around
you will be told in the future that she changed her holiday plans
no body books their holidays a year in advance shes lying

august bank holiday is a great time to get married (its when we got married) and just because your sisters have their birthdays then is no reason its not accesable to you

scarepanda

If I were you I'd tell your sisters to grow up and to stop acting like children.

If I remember your previous posts correctly, neither birthday is a 'big' one, so what does it matter?

If they continue to sulk I'd stop asking them for opinions etc, why should you waste your time trying to involve them when they have no interest? And by you trying to involve them it will highlight their continued lack of interest and upset you further. You have enough on your plate organising everything for the wedding without adding additional stress and politics.

caimitator

scarepanda wrote: »

If I were you I'd tell your sisters to grow up and to stop acting like children.

If I remember your previous posts correctly, neither birthday is a 'big' one, so what does it matter?

If they continue to sulk I'd stop asking them for opinions etc, why should you waste your time trying to involve them when they have no interest? And by you trying to involve them it will highlight their continued lack of interest and upset you further. You have enough on your plate organising everything for the wedding without adding additional stress and politics.

Thank you for this.

I just don't want this to impact our relationship forever more. That sounds dramatic, but it's a fear. It's already awkward now.

Toots

To be honest, if it were me I'd say nothing, but I just wouldn't discuss the wedding with them anymore or involve them in planning.

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if my siblings got married on my birthday, especially if it was only a random one. It's one birthday, it's not like you're going to be having another wedding on their birthday every year going forward. They're acting like brats TBH. For various reasons over the years there have been birthdays that I've not celebrated on the actual day (my sister's debs was on my birthday and I didn't care, we just did the cake the next day)

August bank holiday is a really popular time for weddings, and having it on a bank holiday can also save guests from having to take an extra day off work. I wonder is there a little bit of jealousy being incorporated here - because you're going to be the centre of attention? Are they supposed to be your bridesmaids? What do your parents think about it all and is there a possibility of them having a word with the two of them and telling them to cop on?

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

To be honest, if it were me I'd say nothing, but I just wouldn't discuss the wedding with them anymore or involve them in planning.

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if my siblings got married on my birthday, especially if it was only a random one. It's one birthday, it's not like you're going to be having another wedding on their birthday every year going forward. They're acting like brats TBH. For various reasons over the years there have been birthdays that I've not celebrated on the actual day (my sister's debs was on my birthday and I didn't care, we just did the cake the next day)

August bank holiday is a really popular time for weddings, and having it on a bank holiday can also save guests from having to take an extra day off work. I wonder is there a little bit of jealousy being incorporated here - because you're going to be the centre of attention? Are they supposed to be your bridesmaids? What do your parents think about it all and is there a possibility of them having a word with the two of them and telling them to cop on?

I also would not care if they got married on my birthday, I naively thought the date could be a good thing, like all of our family and friends together celebrating.

Yes they're supposed to be my bridesmaids, I don't know if I should change that or not? My parents originally thought they were being petty. They're hurt this is happening. They tried to talk to them about it and got nowhere, it ended in a fight. Now, my parents are starting to encourage some sort of compromise, whatever that looks like.

Toots

Well honestly if the venue is booked and the planner is booked then I don't know what sort of "conpromise" they're expecting. Like do they want you to let the two sisters invite a pile of their mates to the wedding? Personally I think you're being generous letting them invite their friends to the celebrations the next day. Are you the eldest child?

The bridesmaid thing is tricky. On one hand I understand you don't want to damage the relationship and I can't imagine they'd take kindly to being "un-bridesmaided". However, the last thing you want is them being in the horrors for all the dress fittings and going around on the day itself with a face like a bucket of smashed crabs. Wedding planning can be stressful enough without that kind of hassle added in.

If it were me I'd say I'd be inclined to say to your parents that you're already compromising by making the second day a celebration for them. You're not forking out thousands of Euro to throw them a birthday party. I'd also say to them that you'll be telling the sisters that while you understand that they're not 100% happy with the date, you're doing your best by having the party for them the second day. However if they still feel that despite that, they don't want to be involved in planning etc that you won't mind if they don't want to be bridesmaids anymore. That kinda puts the ball back in their court, in that they can decide not to do it rather than you giving them the boot. If the do decide they want to do it, I'd be saying you're happy but also make it clear that you need their support and not tantrums.

I know that all might sound a bit harsh, and possibly people will disagree with me, but that sort of bratty behaviour really makes me see red.

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

Well honestly if the venue is booked and the planner is booked then I don't know what sort of "conpromise" they're expecting. Like do they want you to let the two sisters invite a pile of their mates to the wedding? Personally I think you're being generous letting them invite their friends to the celebrations the next day. Are you the eldest child?

The bridesmaid thing is tricky. On one hand I understand you don't want to damage the relationship and I can't imagine they'd take kindly to being "un-bridesmaided". However, the last thing you want is them being in the horrors for all the dress fittings and going around on the day itself with a face like a bucket of smashed crabs. Wedding planning can be stressful enough without that kind of hassle added in.

If it were me I'd say I'd be inclined to say to your parents that you're already compromising by making the second day a celebration for them. You're not forking out thousands of Euro to throw them a birthday party. I'd also say to them that you'll be telling the sisters that while you understand that they're not 100% happy with the date, you're doing your best by having the party for them the second day. However if they still feel that despite that, they don't want to be involved in planning etc that you won't mind if they don't want to be bridesmaids anymore. That kinda puts the ball back in their court, in that they can decide not to do it rather than you giving them the boot. If the do decide they want to do it, I'd be saying you're happy but also make it clear that you need their support and not tantrums.

I know that all might sound a bit harsh, and possibly people will disagree with me, but that sort of bratty behaviour really makes me see red.

God, you've managed to articulate all my feelings in a much more composed manner than I've been able to.

Earlier today my younger sister said, "I am happy to step aside and not make a big deal out of it."

When I said I needed involvement from her side, she said that it wasn't a bridesmaid's obligation to be involved in the picking of photographers, theme, etc. And that it is for the couple to do the "heavy lifting". She knows this because of the, "so many articles [she] read about being a bridesmaid".

Suckit

Why not ask your younger sister if she would have her 27th party the weekend before the wedding, and as your older sister if she would have her 32nd the weekend after the wedding.
I have never heard of a party for either, but i guess that their main issues are that, if they wanted to actually have a party they would be unable because of your wedding?

Personally i would say to them that the wedding is going ahead on that date. It could/should be a whole family celebration, but if they do not want to get on board and have decided that their respective birthdays should be more important, then it might be worth looking at friends for bridesmaids.

Edited

I prefer Toots idea of giving them the option of stepping aside.
I would definitely do that.

caimitator

Suckit wrote: »

Why not ask your younger sister if she would have her 27th party the weekend before the wedding, and as your older sister if she would have her 32nd the weekend after the wedding.
I have never heard of a party for either, but i guess that their main issues are that, if they wanted to actually have a party they would be unable because of your wedding?

Personally i would say to them that the wedding is going ahead on that date. It could/should be a whole family celebration, but if they do not want to get on board and have decided that their respective birthdays should be more important then it might be worth looking at friends for bridesmaids.

Interestingly for their birthdays last month, my younger sister celebrated hers 10 days after the fact and my older sister went to Galway and didn't celebrate hers at home. So it's not like every year they have parties on those exact days.

Toots

caimitator wrote: »

God, you've managed to articulate all my feelings in a much more composed manner than I've been able to.

Earlier today my younger sister said, "I am happy to step aside and not make a big deal out of it."

When I said I needed involvement from her side, she said that it wasn't a bridesmaid's obligation to be involved in the picking of photographers, theme, etc. And that it is for the couple to do the "heavy lifting". She knows this because of the, "so many articles [she] read about being a bridesmaid".

No, the bridesmaids wouldn't usually get involved with photographers etc, at least mine didn't, and any time I've been a bridesmaid the couple has sorted that stuff. Often the bridesmaids would come dress shopping for your dress, obviously they'd go shopping to choose their own dress, they'd usually organise the hen, and then mine also helped assembling the mass booklets, and I know I've helped brides with invitations and also doing flowers the night before (they did DIY flowers) My bridesmaids chose the colours for their dresses, but I think it depends on the situation, some brides prefer to choose the colour.

It sounds like she doesn't particularly want to do it, so I suppose if you do decide you'd prefer to ask a friend instead, she was the one who brought it up. I dunno, that makes me really sad to think of that. I'd be delighted to be my sister's bridesmaid, you'll only have the one wedding and she's giving up the chance to stand with you over a party.

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

No, the bridesmaids wouldn't usually get involved with photographers etc, at least mine didn't, and any time I've been a bridesmaid the couple has sorted that stuff. Often the bridesmaids would come dress shopping for your dress, obviously they'd go shopping to choose their own dress, they'd usually organise the hen, and then mine also helped assembling the mass booklets, and I know I've helped brides with invitations and also doing flowers the night before (they did DIY flowers) My bridesmaids chose the colours for their dresses, but I think it depends on the situation, some brides prefer to choose the colour.

It sounds like she doesn't particularly want to do it, so I suppose if you do decide you'd prefer to ask a friend instead, she was the one who brought it up. I dunno, that makes me really sad to think of that. I'd be delighted to be my sister's bridesmaid, you'll only have the one wedding and she's giving up the chance to stand with you over a party.

Bridesmaids don't usually get involved in that stuff, but if your sister texts you and says what you thing of this photographer vs. this one, I think one should be able to expect a reply from their sister.

It's making me pretty heartbroken. It feels like this whole process has a huge cloud over it.

Toots

I dunno, I never even asked my sisters stuff like that. I was very young getting married though so both my sisters were still in school/college and wouldn't have had a clue. TBH I wouldn't be relying on bridesmaids for stuff like that, but not replying to texts is just bitchy.

Are either of them married?

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

I dunno, I never even asked my sisters stuff like that. I was very young getting married though so both my sisters were still in school/college and wouldn't have had a clue. TBH I wouldn't be relying on bridesmaids for stuff like that, but not replying to texts is just bitchy.

Are either of them married?

Neither of them are married. I'm the middle child and the first in the family to get married. Maybe I shouldn't be relying on them to give me feedback regarding those things. Perhaps my expectations were too high to begin with.

Recliner

TBH and I apologise in advance but your 2 sisters are being total b**ches. The absolute cheek of them! I'm livid on your account. Have you any close friends or cousins you could ask to be bridesmaids? I'd "unbridesmaid" the pair of them and if anyone has a comment or a problem with that then I'd be totally honest and say that because they couldn't support you for their own selfish reasons, you had no other choice.
And I'll tell you something else, I wouldn't be making any effort to make the Saturday about them either. I never heard of anything so ridiculous.
The pair of them would want to cop on big time. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Jebus..!!!! Acting like spoiled brats!!

caimitator

Recliner wrote: »

TBH and I apologise in advance but your 2 sisters are being total b**ches. The absolute cheek of them! I'm livid on your account. Have you any close friends or cousins you could ask to be bridesmaids? I'd "unbridesmaid" the pair of them and if anyone has a comment or a problem with that then I'd be totally honest and say that because they couldn't support you for their own selfish reasons, you had no other choice.
And I'll tell you something else, I wouldn't be making any effort to make the Saturday about them either. I never heard of anything so ridiculous.
The pair of them would want to cop on big time. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Jebus..!!!! Acting like spoiled brats!!

Don't apologise, I understand the anger, I'm feeling it too! I have 4 bridesmaids including them. My Mam has specifically asked me not to unbridesmaid them, thinks that it'd be embarrassing on the day for the family.

Toots

caimitator wrote: »

Don't apologise, I understand the anger, I'm feeling it too! I have 4 bridesmaids including them. My Mam has specifically asked me not to unbridesmaid them, thinks that it'd be embarrassing on the day for the family.

Feck that, I'm sorry, but they seem to be making it clear that they have no interest in doing it. Sure one has already offered to step down. She should be telling your sisters to cop the feck on if she's so worried about embarrassing the family! In the long run it's going to be your sisters who end up looking bad, and may also come to really regret how they acted as time goes on.

In terms of whether you expected too much from them, everybody's different. In my experience it wouldn't be the "norm" for bridesmaids to be involved with photographers egg, but that's just me. I know one of my husband's sisters asked me for help picking her photographer but that was more because we were only recently married ourselves and the process was still fresh in our minds.

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

Feck that, I'm sorry, but they seem to be making it clear that they have no interest in doing it. Sure one has already offered to step down. She should be telling your sisters to cop the feck on if she's so worried about embarrassing the family! In the long run it's going to be your sisters who end up looking bad, and may also come to really regret how they acted as time goes on.

In terms of whether you expected too much from them, everybody's different. In my experience it wouldn't be the "norm" for bridesmaids to be involved with photographers egg, but that's just me. I know one of my husband's sisters asked me for help picking her photographer but that was more because we were only recently married ourselves and the process was still fresh in our minds.

The unrealistic part of me wants them to cop on. They must know how sad this is making me. Like I would've considered us close before all this. The tiniest part of me thinks I should fold and change the venue and/or date. But I have another family to think of, my husband to be's. It's not just mine. A Bank Holiday is a great weekend to have a wedding, we managed to find a venue we like and it's crappy that it falls on their birthday. But this punishment of ignoring wedding texts and isolating is disproportionate. I know them well enough to know that they won't regret it, it will be held against me. I'll be the sister that "monopolised" their birthdays.

Toots

Well fcuk 'em would be my thoughts.

Look they're 26 and 32, it's not like they're kids or this is a big birthday. Ask them to step aside as bridesmaids and just try your best to ignore their negativity. If you've booked a venue and planner and put down deposits, you could lose a pile of money if you need to change the dates.

Have you spoken to the other bridesmaids about this? What does your fiance think about the whole situation. Honestly I find their attitudes bizzare. Is there usually a massive deal made out of birthdays in your family?

Recliner

caimitator wrote: »

Don't apologise, I understand the anger, I'm feeling it too! I have 4 bridesmaids including them. My Mam has specifically asked me not to unbridesmaid them, thinks that it'd be embarrassing on the day for the family.

How embarrassing will it be if 2 of the bridesmaids have faces like slapped arses on the day? Or if the bride looks like she's at a funeral and not her wedding because she's so upset over the whole thing?

I think you need to take back control of this and also make sure your OH is supporting you in all this. It might be your family but it's both yours wedding.

Is there not someone in the family or even outside who can knock some sense into them?

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

Well fcuk 'em would be my thoughts.

Look they're 26 and 32, it's not like they're kids or this is a big birthday. Ask them to step aside as bridesmaids and just try your best to ignore their negativity. If you've booked a venue and planner and put down deposits, you could lose a pile of money if you need to change the dates.

Have you spoken to the other bridesmaids about this? What does your fiance think about the whole situation. Honestly I find their attitudes bizzare. Is there usually a massive deal made out of birthdays in your family?

Yes, have spoken to the other bridesmaids about it. They're being supportive, saying they're there if I need them etc. Being very nice about it. My fiancé is fuming, unsurprisingly. He's wondering if he should say something to them. Reach out to them separately.

Yes, birthdays are a big deal. We tend to go overboard with gifts, make sure the person feels special etc.

caimitator

Recliner wrote: »

How embarrassing will it be if 2 of the bridesmaids have faces like slapped arses on the day? Or if the bride looks like she's at a funeral and not her wedding because she's so upset over the whole thing?

I think you need to take back control of this and also make sure your OH is supporting you in all this. It might be your family but it's both yours wedding.

Is there not someone in the family or even outside who can knock some sense into them?

My parents have told them they're being selfish and not supportive, and they got up on their high horses saying it was a very big deal that I chose that day to get married when there are hundreds of other dates in the year.

I don't know who, outside of my parents, could approach them about this. I've been trying to plough on as normal, but then I long for their input and send them something and they ignore it or as good as. Then I get upset, and it's back to square one.

They will have faces on them on the day regardless of their bridesmaid status. I don't have them as bridesmaids - they're annoyed about that as well as the birthdays. I do have them as bridesmaids - they'll be frowny because of the birthdays.

Toots

Honestly I'd be of a mind to tell them they can either come along and be happy for you, or don't bother - they can organise celebrations for their birthdays with their friends. Do they not realise that they'll come off looking awful in all this? Imagine the guests "what's wrong with your sister, she's got an awful face on her." "Oh she's in a strop because her birthday was yesterday." "O....K....." the guests wouldn't be talking about how "selfish" it is that you got married on that date, they'll most likely be in disbelief at the pettiness of your sisters.

Un-bridesmaid the pair of them and if your parents kick up a stink about it threaten to elope :pac:

Recliner

caimitator wrote: »

Yes, birthdays are a big deal. We tend to go overboard with gifts, make sure the person feels special etc.

You know what's also a big deal? Your wedding day!! And if they can't see that then sod 'em..

Stop pandering to them.

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

Honestly I'd be of a mind to tell them they can either come along and be happy for you, or don't bother - they can organise celebrations for their birthdays with their friends. Do they not realise that they'll come off looking awful in all this? Imagine the guests "what's wrong with your sister, she's got an awful face on her." "Oh she's in a strop because her birthday was yesterday." "O....K....." the guests wouldn't be talking about how "selfish" it is that you got married on that date, they'll most likely be in disbelief at the pettiness of your sisters.

Un-bridesmaid the pair of them and if your parents kick up a stink about it threaten to elope :pac:

But how do they feel they're so strongly in the right?? Like I say the situation out loud to people and I'm like "Jesus my sisters really must hate me."

Let's hope I never need a kidney.