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Child Item

Is this just lad banter?

Dash1993

My boyfriend and his workmates I've noticed are laddy but I I know I shouldn't have, I recently found texts on my boyfriends phone when he was talking to a mate about a new girl from work who he had been out drinking with for eight hours at a work event with their other colleagues. He said he had fell a bit in love with her. should I be worried about this? He backtracked the next day and said that he fell a bit in love with her, but that he supposes that's what happens after 10 pints. I later found some messages kind of Bantery with two of his other friends about the girl being one of the top three in the office and all three of his mates were engaging in sexualised banter about her . Is it just the word 'fell in love with.' His use of the word 'fell in love with' im not sure what to think. Whether it was just an inapprorpriate word he used to mean he was crushing on her or if he was hyperbolising.

As a side note, nothing has changed in our relationship he is still loving and makes effort and he's actually taken the initiative to ask me to move in with him which I dont think you'd do if you werent a complete moronif and he was actually in love with another girl I feel . Looking for some help to understand this

and what is to be expected with lads and their ridiculous office / women banter

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Icepick

Still sounds like lad banter but we don't know him.

Also, women who don't realise that their bfs find other women attractive and talk about it with other men are deluding themselves and won't be able to tell when it's more than just banter.

tomwaits48

anna080 wrote: »

Well then please don't use your friends as a barometer for what's appropriate in a relationship, because quite frankly, they sound like idiots.

you are very quick to band about the word idiot. I'd suggest a less judgmental and confrontational style of posting would make for a more productive discussion.

meeeeh

Icepick wrote: »

Still sounds like lad banter but we don't know him.

Also, women who don't realise that their bfs find other women attractive and talk about it with other men are deluding themselves and won't be able to tell when it's more than just banter.

There is a world of difference between being attracted to someone and being inlove with someone. It is also interesting how a lot of threads seem to be an opportunity to educate women on how they are deluding themselves about something.

Maybe bf saying he is in love meant it as a figure of speech but I can completely see how reading it was a shock. And no it's not something you advertise around when you are in happy relationship with someone else.

sbsquarepants

khaldrogo wrote: »

She's probably way out of his league too.

Is this supposed to make her feel better? She's probably out of his league.......unlike you:rolleyes::rolleyes:

OP - Just sounds like banter to me. And fairly tame banter at that!

Neyite

It's possibly lad banter and that's all it is.

But... I'd be having a good think about the kind of bloke he is. He's making sexualised comments about a colleague to other colleagues behind her back. That he rates the women he works with. It may be 'lads banter' but it's something that I'd personally find quite a turn off in a partner. As a colleague, I'd be disgusted.

You'd find that an employer would view it as sexual harassment, and possibly bullying behaviour. Remember the Accounting firms that circulated an email rating new graduates?

And just because it happens over a personal phone or a group whatsapp rather than company phones or emails does not mean that the company wouldn't act on it. I know of a case were a group of employees were using whatsapp to discuss work, which turned to making nasty remarks about some of the women working there. They all got sacked.

It doesn't make him sound like a keeper tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

tomwaits48, if you have an issue with a post or poster report it. All posts in PI are expected to offer mature, constructive advice or opinion to the OP. Please keep that in mind when replying on a thread.

Austria!

Neyite wrote: »

But... I'd be having a good think about the kind of bloke he is. He's making sexualised comments about a colleague to other colleagues behind her back. That he rates the women he works with. It may be 'lads banter' but it's something that I'd personally find quite a turn off in a partner. As a colleague, I'd be disgusted.

It's so common among men in the workplace that I guess you're a woman from this post.

OP, I think this is a whole load of nothing.

laserlad2010

Look, there are two issues here.

1. You found out he said something inappropriate about a girl he works with. Now, I've engaged in lad banter and have said some pretty inappropriate stuff when drunk both in and out of relationships to my mates. I just wouldn't have written it down. That's just me. It would feel a bit creepy writing that about a work colleague. However, I have friends who would write that down, and yet would never dream of acting on it because they love their girlfriends.

2. You went through his phone. That's a red line offense IMO, and you're trapped. If you mention it to him, its a good chance you two are done. However, if you don't mention it, it's going to eat at you.

Here's the deal. You know him. Is he a good man? Does he treat you well, do you love each other and do you trust him? If so, what does it matter if he says something inappropriate to his mate after 10 pints? As you can see from this thread, and from what I can tell you as a man, the majority of men do this. As, I'm sure, do women. He didn't say it to you. Or act on it. Or do much really.

If, however, this is just another in a long list of worrisome behaviour, perhaps he's not the one for you.

Beware of Boards.ie "standards" for relationship behaviour. You will see impossible standards set and impossible behaviour allowed at both extremes.

I'd also ask that you keep the fact that he asked you to move in with you out of your decision. People will permit all sorts of shenanigans for fear of going back to singledom or not getting that white picket fence dream.

SimpleDimples

You either trust him or you don't?

It really is that simple - to some this is normal male banter, to others he should burn in hell. You will get several varying opinion but all the matters is yours.

You know what he's like and you know how he treats you.

professore

anna080 wrote: »

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.
And your friend sounds like an idiot.

Lots of men and women talk like this, married and single. There's no harm in it.
My wife and I even talk like this to each other.

retro:electro

professore wrote: »

Lots of men and women talk like this, married and single. There's no harm in it.
My wife and I even talk like this to each other.

That's cool if it's something you do and you neither of you have have a problem with it.
The op does.

Icepick

anna080 wrote: »

Am I mad? I'm probably alone here but I would find this so hurtful too. My boyfriend has women he calls his "wife" and women who he's in love with- but these are all celebs and not real world people! That's where the line is drawn for me. I'd be hurt if I read my boyfriend said this about a girl he's spending time with on a regular basis. It wasn't just a once off comment either- sexualised banter and top 3 in the office?

With this mentality you are likely to end up
- single
- with someone with slave mentality
- with someone who is gonna hide everything from you

anna080 wrote: »

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

Depends on the context

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

With this mentality you are likely to end up
- single
- with someone with slave mentality
- with someone who is gonna hide everything from you

Depends on the context

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

Icepick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

He is not engaging in hurtful behaviour if the only evidence is a bit of banter. His private thoughts should remain his or whoever's he decides to talk to.
As I said, I don't know him or OP so it's almost impossible to analyze this scenario but it is possible that it is just banter from my experience. You sound like you have no idea what (young) men talk about together. Likewise, loads of men have no idea what (young) women talk about or what fantasies they have.
Hit list is an exaggeration. Men rank females by looks. Is it shallow? Sure, but that's what makes it trivial and innocent.
Also, to each their own. I am not judging you or anna080, only saying what is the most likely outcome when you behave like that.

This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

We can agree that low self-esteem leads to unhappy life.

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

He is not engaging in hurtful behaviour if the only evidence is a bit of banter. His private thoughts should remain his or whoever's he decides to talk to.
As I said, I don't know him or OP so it's almost impossible to analyze this scenario but it is possible that it is just banter from my experience.
Also, to each their own. I am not judging you or anna080, only saying what is the most likely outcome when you behave like that.

But if she is upset then he is engaging in hurtful behaviour. You see it as banter, she sees it as betrayal. Both are correct and valid because everyone has different perceptions of situations.
All relationships have different expectations and boundaries, are you seriously suggesting that if I have a problem with my boyfriend saying he is in love with his colleagues and making a hit list that he'll just do it behind my back, and rightly so? What kind of relationship would that be? In what way is that healthy and respectful? Should we all be supportive of our partners talking about riding other women in their lives?

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

We can agree that low self-esteem leads to unhappy life.

You clearly have no perspective beyond your own and can't seem to understand that other people might not react to a situation the same as you would.

amtc

Ages ago I was good friends with a work guy (we had also been in college together although not close friends at that time)...he loved that his (now wife and mother of his two children) used to point out women to him he might like. I thought at the time this was odd, but in their relationship it worked.

In this situation though it requires a chat!

The in love thing is a big red flag. I love my best friend..who is a guy..but i would never say in love

Doltanian

Lad Banter or Locker Room Talk, as Donald Trump might say grab em by the ........ Its a man thing and harmless, its normal to overhype your sexual prowess and conquests.

Icepick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

You clearly have no perspective beyond your own and can't seem to understand that other people might not react to a situation the same as you would.

I should have been more precise maybe.

He is not deliberately engaging in hurtful behaviour if it indeed is just banter for other recepients. Intentions matter a lot.
Regarding empathy, you want to destroy a relationship based on - as far as we know - thought crimes.
I am sure you have had plenty of horrible thoughts. Do you want to tell the objects? I hope not. It happens to everyone.
As for the word love, strong words are nowadays used all the time. Everything is amazing and everyone is a legend.

Augme

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

Not snooping through your partner's phone is also a massive boundary which she crossed. I'd argue that is far worse than what the boyfriend has done.

SusieBlue

Augme wrote: »

Not snooping through your partner's phone is also a massive boundary which she crossed. I'd argue that is far worse than what the boyfriend has done.

I totally agree. That wasn't disputed by anyone though, the fact that she was upset in the first place was dismissed as lad banter. No one disputed it was wrong to go through the phone.

Augme

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I totally agree. That wasn't disputed by anyone though, the fact that she was upset in the first place was dismissed as lad banter. No one disputed it was wrong to go through the phone.

The general impression from the thread I get is that what he did was worse though, which is a worry.

SusieBlue

Augme wrote: »

The general impression from the thread I get is that what he did was worse though, which is a worry.

Whether it's worse or not is subjective. Once everyone can recognise that both things are bad and unhealthy it doesn't really matter.

Icepick

Generally banter is not bad and unhealthy. It's bad and unhealthy to want to own your partner's thoughts.

Icepick

Doltanian wrote: »

Lad Banter or Locker Room Talk, as Donald Trump might say grab em by the ........ Its a man thing and harmless, its normal to overhype your sexual prowess and conquests.

There are boundaries. Trump's comments show that he is a narcissistic bully. Rather different from finding someone attractive.

retro:electro

Augme wrote: »

The general impression from the thread I get is that what he did was worse though, which is a worry.

She's not here asking to be scolded for looking through his phone, she knows it was wrong. She's here to get advice about what she saw and asking is it normal.

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

Generally banter is not bad and unhealthy. It's bad and unhealthy to want to own your partner's thoughts.

You keep skirting around the issue which is that the OP doesn't see it as banter and many here agree with her.

You are belittling how she feels and dismissing it.

No one is saying she has a right to own his thoughts so I don't know where you pulled that from.

He was wrong to make hurtful comments. She was wrong to go through his phone. Both are valid.

robbiezero

he said that he "fell a bit in love with her" to his mates.

Wow, lad banter has certainly changed since I was a young fella.

Big Bag of Chips

"fell a bit in love" is a phrase I've heard and it doesn't mean the person is in love with them. It means the person thinks they're great. She's probably gorgeous,. The night they were out she was probably great craic, having a laugh. Saying he "fell a bit in love" doesn't mean he's in love with her. And if he was he'd hardly be announcing it to all the lads on an app.

I work with someone who is lovely. He's just lovely. He's a very hard working and caring person. He has a great attitude to others and a work ethic that most people aspire to. He is genuine and charismatic. He is average looking, but as a person there is something incredibly attractive about him. A gang of us were sitting around the other day talking about him and how 'perfect' he is and one of the other lads (straight in a relationship) said he definitely had a bit of a man crush on him, and that he doesn't mind admitting that he's "a little bit in love with him". Of course everybody laughed, but everyone also kind of agreed with him!

She's probably great, and there's probably something very attractive about her. And your bf won't be the first to see it. It was hurtful to you to see that he had said this about another person, but it doesn't mean he wants to be with her. It just means he admires her, because she's probably a really sound person. The phrase, I would think, was harmless enough. But of course I understand why it would hurt.

Your problem is, the only way he can reassure you is if you tell him you checked his phone.

Icepick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

You keep skirting around the issue which is that the OP doesn't see it as banter and many here agree with her.

You are belittling how she feels and dismissing it.

No one is saying she has a right to own his thoughts so I don't know where you pulled that from.

He was wrong to make hurtful comments. She was wrong to go through his phone. Both are valid.

The point is that thinking that these are hurtful comments is based on Victorian puritanism that effectively makes you treat your partner as property. Not only is it completely natural to find other people attractive, it's also beneficial to share that with a selected audience so you don't feel guilty about it and repress these feelings because that may lead to infidelity.