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Devastated

Grandeeod

I'm not even bothering to go unreg'd for this. Theres no point eventhough I'd be well known in certain forums and threads. I'm typing because I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. I'm struggling to keep it together for everyone around me. I will ramble and I'm sorry.

On Thursday last, my wife had an acute stroke. She is currently in hospital with serious damage to the left side of her body. She's only 49 years old. She battled cancer over the last few years and won. We thought we could beat the world. This is a fooking kick in the head. We have a 9 year old daughter who thinks mammy is in hospital for tests. Thats all she has known over the last few years. We tried so hard to keep her protected from the reality of serious illness. Cancer is a fooking bitch, but its gradual and we were lucky to be able to plan and make up reasons why mammy was in hospital. A stroke is so sudden and immediate, I'm all over the place. Mammy is talking funny. Mammy can't move her left arm. Daddy cannot and will not let his daughter visit. All this I can deal with as I've been through so much over the last few years, you learn to be able to tell fibs to protect a child. The difference this time is me and the suddeness of impact. Life has turned upside down and I'm barely coping. In front of my wife I joke and support and encourage. She laughed today and it made me feel like I'd won the lotto. But I know I'm not even close to taking it all in. The rollercoaster since Thursday is continuing. Im trying not to cry.

I feel selfish because I want to ball my eyes out. I feel selfish because I want someone, anyone to ask me how I feel. Since this has happened I'm in a whirlwind of cooking for people, cleaning the house and organising stuff. I have some small support from my parents, but all they care about is my daughter. I got back from the hospital tonight and got narky. I've hardly slept or eaten since Thursday. My daughter is getting spoilt rotten as compensation and a distraction. I've no problem with that. But I'm falling apart. Not even my parents have asked how I'm feeling. I've tried telling them, but I'm told to cop on and think of my daughter. Fair enough I suppose. But last Thursday night my wife could have died. I had to sign a consent form for emergency treatment. It was do or die and Im not exaggerating. The only people that have shown any concern for me are hospital staff. I have so much anger and emotion inside me looking at my wife in hospital. I need to share how Im feeling with someone. But I have nobody to talk to. The difference this time is that when my wife had cancer we could talk to each other about it and our feelings and it was encouraged. But after a stroke, the last thing she needs are my problems. More new ground and fair play to her, she's still fighting. after all the **** life has thrown at her. I love her so much. I feel like a prick for feeling weak. Gotta stop now.want to cry. sorry.

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Pretzill

First up so glad to hear she is making strides (literally) and that her appetite has returned (and with it her swallow such a brilliant sign!)
The emotional side yes that is very much part of it, but even that will subside with time the fatigue may take longer.

Now Grandeeod - you do need to take it easy yourself - speaking from a similar perspective it's such a trauma - so many changes and such a lot to take in. Christ I was angry too actually didn't really want to talk to anyone accept the person I couldn't if you know what I mean?

All strokes are different but for the recovery to move quickly (which it is, I know you may not think so) it did with my OH too.

When he began to improve I took a day off from visiting here and there and it gave me a chance to sort things out at home - it helped me even though I hated been away from him even for one whole day and night!

Speak to the social worker, occupational therapist and brain injury specialists - they will offer advice on the practicalities.

Finally take time to try and relax at night - I found watching silly box sets or movies I'd seen before, a couple of bevvies and something easy to cook - took my mind off things for a little while.

I was exhausted too so tried my best to get a good night's sleep.

And vent here whenever you feel like it!

Mam of 4

That's great news Grandeeod , day by day she will be getting a little stronger , a little better , delighted for you all !

As Pretzill said , try take a little time out for yourself also . It is so easy to become rundown yourself unintentionally , so try eat and sleep , and have a few moments time out

robindch

Grandeeod wrote: »

But by fook lads Im so very angry at people I thought would step up to the mark.

Just a thought on this - but do your extended family realize fully what's happened, how serious the issue is from your wife's point of view, yours and your kid's? And that you need some help?

It might be useful - if you've not already done it - to send around some kind of informational email copied to everybody just outlining the basics - what's happened, where things are now, what things will be like for the next while and what kind of support would be useful - simple stuff like help shopping, sorting out meals, dropping off to school and collections, other looking after your kid, cleaning the house and so on.

If my own family are any guide, I know they'd find it much quicker to help out with that kind of day-to-day stuff than with the emotional side of it (which needs support as well, but probably best from somewhere else).

Grandeeod

Pretzill wrote: »

First up so glad to hear she is making strides (literally) and that her appetite has returned (and with it her swallow such a brilliant sign!)
The emotional side yes that is very much part of it, but even that will subside with time the fatigue may take longer.

Now Grandeeod - you do need to take it easy yourself - speaking from a similar perspective it's such a trauma - so many changes and such a lot to take in. Christ I was angry too actually didn't really want to talk to anyone accept the person I couldn't if you know what I mean?

All strokes are different but for the recovery to move quickly (which it is, I know you may not think so) it did with my OH too.

When he began to improve I took a day off from visiting here and there and it gave me a chance to sort things out at home - it helped me even though I hated been away from him even for one whole day and night!

Speak to the social worker, occupational therapist and brain injury specialists - they will offer advice on the practicalities.

Finally take time to try and relax at night - I found watching silly box sets or movies I'd seen before, a couple of bevvies and something easy to cook - took my mind off things for a little while.

I was exhausted too so tried my best to get a good night's sleep.

And vent here whenever you feel like it!

No more biting her tongue when eating, which was putting her off eating in the first place. It made me happy. All of the other stuff you mention I can relate to. Im doing step by step with her. Its all I want to do. But I can't deny my anger at the utter lack of help from so called family. I guess my focus has changed over the last few days. Now Im realising how little emotional and practical support I have received from those close to me. But i have found solace here with virtual strangers. Despite all that, my first and foremost concern is my wife and daughter. We were a group of three that lived, played and even worked together.

beertons

Now point cooking a dinner and you won't have a plate yourself. You're wrecked 'coz you're flat to the mat with everything. You need fuel. Take 15 minutes, plate of grub, then go again. Even superman stopped for dinner.

Pretzill

Grandeeod wrote: »

No more biting her tongue when eating, which was putting her off eating in the first place. It made me happy. All of the other stuff you mention I can relate to. Im doing step by step with her. Its all I want to do. But I can't deny my anger at the utter lack of help from so called family. I guess my focus has changed over the last few days. Now Im realising how little emotional and practical support I have received from those close to me. But i have found solace here with virtual strangers. Despite all that, my first and foremost concern is my wife and daughter. We were a group of three that lived, played and even worked together.

Honestly I can so relate - bar a few well meant visits from family - I had support from just one close friend - (sainted now) I couldn't really handle the emotional stuff and kept it all in -

I felt all at sea - take all the help on offer and this will be from strangers - The hospital social worker was brilliant in talking me through any practical supports, financial, etc.

You are still a group who live, play and work together (so are we) it's just for the foreseeable you have recovery as your focus - and you will support each other in that.

chuckles30

Couple of practical tips that might help with the cooking in the short term - is there dinners that you could batch cook like spag bol, curry's, casseroles/stews etc that your daughter would eat? Make extra and freeze them off in portions. Then your stepson (or anyone) or even yourself can easily reheat them without having to cook per-se. I've recently discovered that even mash freezes and can be reheated/thrown on top of shepherds pie etc. Nothing wrong with taking the ready-meal/take away option either for a time, but if you want to cook, this might help.

Has your daughter any friends her own age that you could organise for her to have a 'play-date' (I hate that term, but it's what I hear being used nowadays) with and ask the parents to maybe include her in dinner as your tied up at the hospital - I know lots of parents that would happily do this. Maybe as it's holiday time, people like that don't realise the situation you're in. Maybe they might even offer a sleep-over....

What about your own friends? Are they fully aware of how serious the situation is? Maybe people are 'giving you space' in the misguided belief that you already have support.....I would probably be inclined to have thought like that.....but after reading about your situation, I'll be more forward in offering help in the future.

shesty

How old is your stepson?
Would it be too much to buy a basic cook book like Jamie's Ministry of Food and mark one or two recipes for him to go and cook while he's minding....he has to learn to cook eventually.
Talk to your parents and see can you work something out.Would your mum batch cook meals suggested above and give them to you to freeze?
You have to eat too OP, or you will be unwell, and nobody needs that right now.
Hang in there and make sure you shout for help if you need it.

tickingclock

I'm glad you're wife's appetite is improving and that she had the strength to have a shower. Look after yourself. If you exercise don't give it up right now when your mental health needs it.

I've been in your shoes where families and friends don't help out especially my in-laws. I've no words of wisdom except you aren't the only one who hasn't received help when needed.
Look after yourself

Grandeeod

Hi folks. Another day drawing to a close. My wife did a lot of walking and physio today. But that lead to high BP readings which is obvisously counter productive. BP meds have been increased. Her arm is still unresponsive and her face and speech are still slightly different. Appetite was great though. Dinner today was turkey, stuffing, mash, turnip and cabbage. These are foods she never really ate. I have to admit I'm impressed with the meals.

The best bit today - I got a wheelchair and took her outdoors for the first time in over a week. Her eyes hurt, but she loved the air and the cup of tea as we chatted. On Sunday Im bringing our daughter to visit and we are planning a walkabout around the place, all going well. She is now at the stage of rehab and stabilising the BP which is preventative mode from more complications.

Wrecked and to be honest I haven't told the whole story of all I've had to handle. Another time. As usual thanks so much. I read everything guys. Its appreciated.

Mam of 4

Grandeeod , hope you have had some time to just sit down and eat something and try to process everything that is going on at the minute , as I'm sure your emotions are still all over the place .
Which is natural and understandable , and try sleep somewhere along the line too , before you end up exhausted yourself .

Grandeeod

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Grandeeod , hope you have had some time to just sit down and eat something and try to process everything that is going on at the minute , as I'm sure your emotions are still all over the place .
Which is natural and understandable , and try sleep somewhere along the line too , before you end up exhausted yourself .

Only sitting down now. As I said in my previous post there is more to add to this story. But Im not ready to talk about that yet. It only upsets me. Ive parked it for now and will talk about it in the next week or so. I promise. Great support here. My family are starting to deliver in a small way. Not enough though. Daughter in bed and I'm not far behind.

December2012

Good for you! Hope you get some rest tonight.

Your wife is lucky to have you. I'm sure you are a great comfort to her.

cbyrd

Oh God.. When someone you love is ill it takes away your control and leaves you floundering. I'm so sorry that your going through this. You need to look after yourself, it's not being selfish it's being practical. Your girls need you strong, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Hospitals leave you drained (I'm 16 weeks in 2 different ones with my newborn)
Find the hospital social worker, one of the nurses will link you in, they can be a wonderful support giving practical advice but also a shoulder if you need it. Physical activity can also give you a clarity of mind and an outlet to vent. Worth keeping in mind.
Kids are also not dumb and it might take a bit of pressure off if you let your daughter in on it... Again, something that the social worker could advise you on maybe..
I hope your wife makes a good and full recovery.

Grandeeod

Hi all. Just a quick update. I brought our daughter to see mammy yesterday. She took it all in her stride as we explained what had happened. So brave. Easier than I thought. I'm so relieved that part is behind us. But the best thing about yesterday was the phone call I received a few hours after we left the hospital. My wifes left arm started to move. I know its still a long road ahead, but that news lifted us so much. I'm still exhausted, but tonight is my first opportunity to have an early enough night. It was a far better weekend than the last one.

Once again thank you all so much for listening to me. You have no idea how much it has meant. I feel a good cry coming on.

December2012

That's wonderful!

Are you getting more support?

Grandeeod

December2012 wrote: »

That's wonderful!

Are you getting more support?

At long last, I am, plus I started writing about how I felt over the last 11 days. I poured it out onto a page. My family have finally started to understand what we were going through. That's been a huge help. I can honestly say that tonight will be the first night since all this happened that I will relax a lot more. I tried a few bottles of beer and a takeaway one night last week and despite trying to put a positive spin on it, I felt guilty and empty inside. I didn't even eat the food. My appetite has been virtually non existent. I was forcing small amounts of food in to keep going. My focus was constantly on my wife and daughter and so it should be. Tonight I'm having a few cold bottles of beer, my fave takeaway, after a nice long soak in the bath. Then bed. My daughter has been well looked after by family the last few days and that has allowed me tonight off! Well she might ask for some toast before bed.:D

Another day

Delighted to hear positive progress on all fronts! Often people don't realise they are needed until it is spelt out to them...one of the drawbacks of being strong and putting a brave face on.

Enjoy your evening, sleep well and look after yourself too.

tickingclock

Delighted your wife is improving and your daughter is taking everything in her stride. Children are amazing. Take care of yourself

Spanish Eyes

Best wishes Grandeeod.

Strokes are horrible indeed.

Sounds like your wife is making great progress after such a short time, that is so rewarding for her and you and family. Sounds like a great fighter to me.

My mother had a devastating stroke 20 years ago. We were told to prepare ourselves. She did six months rehab in James (fantastic place for this type of illness), and came home walking, although like your wife her left side wasn't great.

After that she had melanoma, stomach cancer, and another stroke. She is still with us though, thanks to the amazing care of the HSE, and is still ruling the roost in her eighties now bless her.

Sounds like your wife will be ok in time. She is young and has fight in her, and the movement coming back in her arm is just such a positive thing too.

Hope it all works out for you. It's a long road, but it will be ok.

Redser87

Children can be much more resilient than we expect. It will be good for your daughter to get back to a routine in school in a couple of weeks.

Grandeeod

She's coming home just for the weekend and then one more week in hospital. After that its Physio at a local level. A decent sleep is what she is looking forward to. Things have moved so quickly, I've hardly hit the ground. I need to sort my head out to some degree.

fineso.mom

That's great OP. I'm very happy for you all. Maybe get your daughter to help you around the house a bit. It would do you both good. Less for you to do and it will help her feel involved in helping mom.

chuckles30

That's great that she will be home for the weekend and it will give you all an idea of what life will be like when she gets home full time.

But before she gets home full time, there are a couple of things you need to think about. Will she be ok on her own all day if you're out working? Can you take time out from work or work from home at all if she needs support, especially to begin with? Will you be able to count on your family for support if needed?

On the positive side, at least when she gets home, you will all be able to spend time together and you won't be in a hospital environment and start to get used to the new normal.

Grandeeod

Cheers folks! She was home for the weekend and delighted. Its fair to say that the level of assistance I will have to give her is considerable enough. Despite my positive views, I'm angry inside for my wife. She doesn't deserve any more and yet she is so positive and determined. i'm consumed with so much anger at the world, worse than I ever was during previous issues. I'm still on a rollercoaster of emotions. Hiding it for all concerned. I'll need an outlet.

Its been over two weeks since her stroke and I am just so happy my wife is alive and with us, but inside I know I need an outlet to vent. I'm repeating myself guys sorry. I want to talk but don't know what to say.

KKkitty

Grandeeod wrote: »

Cheers folks! She was home for the weekend and delighted. Its fair to say that the level of assistance I will have to give her is considerable enough. Despite my positive views, I'm angry inside for my wife. She doesn't deserve any more and yet she is so positive and determined. i'm consumed with so much anger at the world, worse than I ever was during previous issues. I'm still on a rollercoaster of emotions. Hiding it for all concerned. I'll need an outlet.

Its been over two weeks since her stroke and I am just so happy my wife is alive and with us, but inside I know I need an outlet to vent. I'm repeating myself guys sorry. I want to talk but don't know what to say.

Say whatever you want. No matter what it is say it. Don't keep it in. That's great news for you and your family. I hope she's OK.

loup

Delighted to hear your wife will be home soon. Did you contact the Stroke support helpline? It might be an idea to see what they propose in terms of practical help and counselling. Look after yourself you sound like a lovely person, your family is lucky to have you.

December2012

While it's great that your Missy's is making progress, that doesn't mean that you're going to be happy straight away; you've still to process a lot. Rant away here and vent it out.

Grandeeod

Well folks, my wife is home 5 days now and settling in nicely. We are both getting used to what we have to do together. I'm off work, more or less, for the next two weeks so I just want to spend time with herself and our daughter. Its been a very stressful few weeks for us all. Slowly but surely her arm is coming back to life, while her less damaged leg is getting stronger too. But we know its a long road ahead.

From a personal point of view, I'm still hurting and angry, but I'm in control of my feelings now. I've cried a lot lately and it was a good thing. I've at last had the chance to talk to my wife about what we went through and how we felt. My best counsellor in the end was both myself and my darling wife. Our talks have been so enlightening that they have made us feel better about our different experiences over the last few weeks. This week is the start of a new type of life and defo the first time since August 3rd that we have all felt somewhat normal. Thanks again to all here for listening and offering advice. It is truly appreciated.

Pretzill

So happy she's home and you are all settling into recovery mode. Like us, the date is burned in our mind, and you have each other and are prepared to travel the road ahead together.