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Child Item

I was called 'ugly'

LegacyUser

Last week I was on a night out with my friend. At one point she was talking to a boy in the nightclub and I went outside for a cigarette. A man in his late 20s (I'm 21) started a conversation with me and we were chatting away for probably close to an hour, about where we were from, what we do in college etc. We were laughing and other people were joining in the odd time, and he commented that I was really funny.

Towards the end of it he said he really admired me, and 'loved the fact that a girl who is ugly can still come out and have a good night and enjoy herself'. I didn't react in the moment, just laughed and kept talking. I've been cut up about it since and it's been swimming around my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a size 16 and uncomfortable with my height (5'9) compared to my smaller, thinner friends, and I definitely don't like certain parts of my body, but I love clothes and makeup and dressing up and was actually feeling really nice about myself when I went out that night.

I know that looks aren't everything and there's so much more to people than what they look like but I feel sick whenever I've looked in the mirror this week and the feeling isn't going away. This guy was drunk but not wrecked and in my head he was just being real and honest, and maybe I'm really and honestly just ugly. I've had one boyfriend in the past and it ended because he cheated on me with more than one girl and all of his/our friends knew and nobody thought enough of me to tell me. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive about this but I just can't let it go. I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower. I never believed that anyone thought I was gorgeous but it feels horrible to hear the word 'ugly'.

Is 'beauty' really subjective or are some people just not that pretty? I don't think I have ever looked at a person and thought 'wow, they're ugly' because it's such a harsh word, but he said it so casually and matter of fact. As if it's something I surely knew already. Sorry if this is all a bit pathetic, I know there are much bigger problems out there.

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It sounds like one of those messed up pick-up lines, where you insult the person so they feel they must try harder to get the insulter to like them and are more willing to be with them and/or go further than you would have otherwise.

ignore the bloke - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have never been one to be attracted to the "male model type" the generic handsome ones (showing my age but Brad Pitt etc was never my type). Please don't think less of yourself because of him.

If you want to feel better get out in fresh air walking etc. This will help lift your spirits and get you away from focusing on what a drunk idiot said. This is coming from someone tall with hips, belly etc and never the "prettiest" in the group of some stunning looking friends. Lads would try chat them up and eyes would slide past me! I am happily married and still not the best looking in the room but I really don't care!

[Deleted User]

I'd bet he didn't think you were ugly, he was trying to neg you. Backhanded compliment.
He was an absolute asshole, you probably did look lovely.
I know it's easier said than done but please don't let sad cases trying to hit on women from some stupid "treat em mean" notion, get you down.
Maybe talk to a friend about how you feel for some reassurance, I bet they'll say you did look great!

QueenRizla

What he said is ridiculous and not true. Dont give his disgusting comment any more thought. No right thinking person would make such a comment, there is something wrong with him not you.

Another day

His own inferiority complex. Didn't think you would find him attractive so insulted you. Sounds like a young teenager! Ignore and put to the back of your mind.

jacksn

Don't mind him and certainly don't waste another second thinking about him coz he sure ain't thinking about you, he sounds like a complete jerk. There are no words for people like that, move on with your life.. do something extraordinary this weekend, go somewhere you've never been, can be Dun Laoghaire or Donegal! Seek something or hang out with someone inspiring.

Rocket19

What the actual f*ck! What an absolutely horrible person. There's no way he was just being just 'open and honest'; you'd have to be seriously socially inept to call someone ugly in any context, and to not think it's an insult.

I wouldn't look too much into it OP (though I can totally understand why you are). It says far more about him than it does about you. To pointlessly and randomly insult someone screams of insecurity and immaturity, and to honest, you'd have to be a pretty miserable person to bring another person down like that. You would wonder why he wasted his time chatting to you if he had no interest...

Surreptitious

I can imagine what he looked like himself. I have experienced this countless times out. Men would come up and say I needed to lose weight when I was a size ten and all this rubbish. I'm guessing he thought by putting you down you'd be grateful of his attention. He could also have been on drugs or have some kind of issue you couldn't know about just by one chat with him. It might stay with you for a short while but you'll soon forget about this. Feel better

SimpleDimples

What a horrible man. I always think that the people who negatively comment on people's looks, weight, height etc have some real insecurities of their own.

Easier said than done but I couldn't give a second thought to some stupid gob****e's words. Who does he think he is?

charlietheminxx

When I was younger I knew a couple of lads who did this sort of thing. One night I was out with them and some lad was flirting with me and one of these eejits said "sure you know he's only after you because everyone knows the fat one in the group is the easiest". I was bitterly hurt at the time but I saw these lads on other occasions put women down so they would feel "grateful" that they were getting attention despite their "flaws". They'd put them down and then soften it with a compliment e.g. "I think it's great when someone makes the best of themselves like you do, youre really sexy despite not being as pretty as your friends. I'd say they get all the attention usually do they?" Some people are warped and play on others insecurities to get what they want. Thankfully few men are like that.... gob****es like this are few and far between!

I bet you're a stunning woman and you deserve more than letting this class of fool inside your head. Keep your head up high and know your own worth, don't let anyone else make you feel crap about yourself.

Your Face

Yer 'man' sounds like a sociopath.

retro:electro

Jesus what a comment to make to someone. Are you sure he wasn't joking? You said you laughed afterwards, did he too? Maybe he just has a really weird sense of humour? I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to rationalise it too much, because I honestly cannot understand why someone would ever say that to someone, let alone someone on a night out all dressed up and enjoying themselves.

Op you are not ugly, and I can tell that much just by the few words you've written above. If it helps, I've never in my life looked at a person and thought they were ugly- ever. There is ALWAYS something beautiful about a person. If you are any way as lovely on the outside as you come across in your op, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I've been called ugly on nights out before, as have most of my friends. We are not ugly, and neither are you. Don't let the words of a complete stranger have an impact on how you see yourself. He doesn't know you and he doesn't deserve to.

spurious

Ugly is as ugly does. I think you know who the ugly one was.

andekwarhola

I'm a man and I'd almost certainly say he was chatting you up but was either insecure or, most likely as already said, trying to 'neg' you by running you down.

If a prat like that genuinely thought you were unattractive, he wouldn't have spent an hour talking to you.

Just forget it and don't over analyze it. He is a prick and there are plenty of decent men out there.

Really Interested

feeldisgusting wrote: »

Last week I was on a night out with my friend. At one point she was talking to a boy in the nightclub and I went outside for a cigarette. A man in his late 20s (I'm 21) started a conversation with me and we were chatting away for probably close to an hour, about where we were from, what we do in college etc. We were laughing and other people were joining in the odd time, and he commented that I was really funny.

Towards the end of it he said he really admired me, and 'loved the fact that a girl who is ugly can still come out and have a good night and enjoy herself'. I didn't react in the moment, just laughed and kept talking. I've been cut up about it since and it's been swimming around my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a size 16 and uncomfortable with my height (5'9) compared to my smaller, thinner friends, and I definitely don't like certain parts of my body, but I love clothes and makeup and dressing up and was actually feeling really nice about myself when I went out that night.

I know that looks aren't everything and there's so much more to people than what they look like but I feel sick whenever I've looked in the mirror this week and the feeling isn't going away. This guy was drunk but not wrecked and in my head he was just being real and honest, and maybe I'm really and honestly just ugly. I've had one boyfriend in the past and it ended because he cheated on me with more than one girl and all of his/our friends knew and nobody thought enough of me to tell me. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive about this but I just can't let it go. I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower. I never believed that anyone thought I was gorgeous but it feels horrible to hear the word 'ugly'.

Is 'beauty' really subjective or are some people just not that pretty? I don't think I have ever looked at a person and thought 'wow, they're ugly' because it's such a harsh word, but he said it so casually and matter of fact. As if it's something I surely knew already. Sorry if this is all a bit pathetic, I know there are much bigger problems out there.

What a total piece of garbage.

Nobody normal has a interesting conversation with another person for a hour and then says that.

2 options 1 he thought he was being funny (some younger guys with little experience treat other people like their mates) no excuse and you better off away from a guy like that 2 he was seeing if you would try harder, again shows him up to be a freak and you better off away.

bilbot79

It's not normal to suggest someone is ugly to their face. It's not a normal comment.

You might not be gorgeous but it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly' or what you perceive to be ugly. I imagine that if he remembers that he feels terribly guilty as he didn't mean it or he's a manipulative c**t who deliberately dropped the word to cause pain.

No one casually says that. I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you feel.

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

It's not normal to suggest someone is ugly to their face. It's not a normal comment.

You might not be gorgeous but it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly' or what you perceive to be ugly. I imagine that if he remembers that he feels terribly guilty as he didn't mean it or he's a manipulative c**t who deliberately dropped the word to cause pain.

No one casually says that. I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you feel.

Please reread your post and tell me you are not taking the piss!

bilbot79

Really Interested wrote: »

Please reread your post and tell me you are not taking the piss!

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

?

" it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly'"

"I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you fee"

Really.

bilbot79

Really Interested wrote: »

" it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly'"

"I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you fee"

Really.

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

Ok we will go with bad joke then.

Wexfordboy89

bilbot79 wrote: »

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

I think he means by saying "im sure your not as bad as he made you feel" sounds like you are saying "well your ugly but not that ugly".

fizzypish

Drunken honesty isn't honesty. The guy was 21. Everyone's an idiot when their 21. He didn't find you attractive and expressed this like a twat or he's a dick or he was trying one of those PUA type lines in a real ****ty way. Attractiveness is all relative. To some other guy, your a knockout. Getting over other peoples ****ty actions or comments is a tough one but you cant let it effect you. That's the road to madness.

mojesius

I could have written this 15 yrs ago. When I was younger in a bar. Someone I vaguely knew turned around to me out of nowhere and said 'your face is wrecked' and his friends laughed. It stuck with me for a few years, and I discounted the many more lovely compliments I received for years as lies.

It wasn't solely that incident that drove me to do this but I eventually went to counselling to help my low self esteem. It helped me a lot, alongside great friends and family. Please talk to someone and dont suffer alone or be hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely person and he was just a drunk twat in a nightclub. He probably has many warped chat up lines like this one he uses in every conversation with a woman!

I actually saw that guy a few years ago and he didn't look so great, old and worn before he should... I reread a few roald dahl books a while back and the whole incident reminded me of this great piece from 'the twits':

"A person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

Be kind to yourself X

neonsofa

mojesius wrote: »

I actually saw that guy a few years ago and he didn't look so great, old and worn before he should... I reread a few roald dahl books a while back and the whole incident reminded me of this great piece from 'the twits':

"A person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

Be kind to yourself X

I love this quote. My little one explained this to me once after reading the twits and said "and mam you're so pretty so you must have really nice thoughts" and I'm no looker- we all know kids say exactly as they see it, so it is a very true point! She saw the way I treat her (like a princess :pac: ) as beauty, and most people do, even when people say things like "there is just something about them" it is generally not physical, but something within them that shows through.

What that man said definitely seems like one of those pick up lines where they insult you to keep you interested or some such.

Even if- and not saying you are- you were the most horrendous looking person on the planet, who would you rather be, someone who doesn't look a certain way or someone who caused unnecessary emotional pain to another person? One is definitely more "ugly" than the other.

Look after yourself xxx

Katgurl

God what an absolute muppet. It is quite possible he had a really bizarre sense of humour and thought it was obvious he considered you gorgeous, was trying some weird pua strategy or was just a nasty piece of work who needs to make other people feel bad.

I actually went out with a guy i was crazy about but he was very very self conscious about one aspect of his appearance. He would do something similar when he was drunk; get really chatty with someone then take a swipe, any swipe. I tried to make it work with him because i knew him and knew it was masking his own insecurities but after he did it too many times i thought "i am not your therapist buddy."

Look i don't know what this guy's deal is that thought he was entitled to speak to you in such a disgusting way. But i do know on two occasions in my life that something similar has happened; one guy told me i must have no self respect as i let myself get fat and another said i looked like i was in my 50's.

I can tell you now with absolute conviction that neither of these things are remotely true. Both those guys were utter weirdos and had a load of issues.

It is nothing to do with you. He has problems. Let him deal with them and do not dream of allowing him impact how you feel about yourself.

In fact think of it the opposite way; i have one really needy insecure vain friend. She has blonde hair. Some randomer was chatting her up and told her she looked like some celeb. She never shut up about it afterwards! She would download photos of said celeb, repeat exaggerated version of conversation to all and sundry, claim she got confused with this person, call her her twin, sit staring at photos of herself and celeb forever. It was laughable. I'm sure you can see that. But this is exactly the same situ just backwards. He had some other motive for his remark but that's his problem, don't let it be yours.

By the way, if i sound cold or unsympathetic i am not. I felt sick reading your op. He is a horrible piece of work.

SusieBlue

This is actually far more common than you'd think. When I used to work nights, myself and my (female) colleagues would often stop in McDonalds after a shift for a bite to eat.
More times than I care to remember, we'd be sitting, minding our own business eating, when some casanova would join our table without invitation. They'd intrude on the conversation, asking stupid questions, in lame attempts to chat us up.
We'd politely tell them we weren't interested, hadn't been on the beer, and were just finishing work. Then the insults would start. "You're all ugly fat bitches anyway"..."You should be grateful you're getting a bit of attention, no wonder you're all single"..."Ye have no manners we're just trying to have a chat, don't be rude"... All coming from men who had invaded our space without permission.
This type of thing only ever happened to me after work while sober, from drunk men.

It used to actually really upset me and embarrass me OP but its 100% an insecurity thing. When even a whiff of rejection comes before these men, their defense mechanism kicks in and go into attack mode.
He wouldn't have spent an hour in your company if he didn't find you attractive, in his own warped way he was probably trying to gauge your interest.

Please forget about his comment. He was an as*hole and you sound like a lovely girl.

team_actimel

fizzypish wrote: »

Drunken honesty isn't honesty. The guy was 21. Everyone's an idiot when their 21. He didn't find you attractive and expressed this like a twat or he's a dick or he was trying one of those PUA type lines in a real ****ty way. Attractiveness is all relative. To some other guy, your a knockout. Getting over other peoples ****ty actions or comments is a tough one but you cant let it effect you. That's the road to madness.

The guy was in his late 20s, he's not 21.

And age shouldn't be used as an excuse anyway. Even a 15 year old boy wouldn't call a girl ugly to her face.

Jay Pentatonic

F*ck that guy

Really Interested

Jay1989 wrote: »

F*ck that guy

I hope noone does, I bet it would be really crap.

Rekop dog

feeldisgusting wrote: »

I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower.

Get a good fitness and diet plan together and stick at it and you'll feel a million times better about yourself. Channel your anger and hurt into motivation.