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Unable to keep friends

FriendFree93

For some reason all my life I haven't been able to keep friends.
When I look back over my life every friend I've ever made I've lost, mostly due to fall outs/fights. There's the exception of one or two but they're more acquaintances who I see once or twice a year Christmas, weddings etc

For example. In secondary school my first best friend dated my ex (we broke up a week before) behind my back and we fell out.

In college I lived with two friends then their third friend moved in and they stopped including me and we fell out.

Work friend #1 we were really close, I decided to go away travelling and she felt I betrayed her and though we are friendly we never could save the friendship after it.

Work friend #2 when I moved home from travelling she started a massive fright on the night out and never spoke to anyone again saying we were talking about her in her presence. (we weren't)

Primary school friends we were planning a holiday together one night the next week they booked one together excluding me. We fell out with them having no remorse and basically telling me they didn't want me there.

Friends I met travelling good friends while travelling but not bother in keeping the friendship alive when we returned home. Cancelled plans, wouldn't commit to meeting up etc.

Don't get me wrong, I take some blame in that when someone hurts me I never let it slide and let my feelings be known if someone hurts me and I feel that has lost me all my friends because I'm not a push over.

This has been brought to my attention recently when thinking to myself if I was to ever get married I have no one to be bridesmaids.

The more I think of this I resent myself. I must be a horrible, irrelevant person if I can't keep a single friend iny life.

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boardsuser1

FriendFree93 wrote: »

For some reason all my life I haven't been able to keep friends.
When I look back over my life every friend I've ever made I've lost, mostly due to fall outs/fights. There's the exception of one or two but they're more acquaintances who I see once or twice a year Christmas, weddings etc

For example. In secondary school my first best friend dated my ex (we broke up a week before) behind my back and we fell out.

In college I lived with two friends then their third friend moved in and they stopped including me and we fell out.

Work friend #1 we were really close, I decided to go away travelling and she felt I betrayed her and though we are friendly we never could save the friendship after it.

Work friend #2 when I moved home from travelling she started a massive fright on the night out and never spoke to anyone again saying we were talking about her in her presence. (we weren't)

Primary school friends we were planning a holiday together one night the next week they booked one together excluding me. We fell out with them having no remorse and basically telling me they didn't want me there.

Friends I met travelling good friends while travelling but not bother in keeping the friendship alive when we returned home. Cancelled plans, wouldn't commit to meeting up etc.

Don't get me wrong, I take some blame in that when someone hurts me I never let it slide and let my feelings be known if someone hurts me and I feel that has lost me all my friends because I'm not a push over.

This has been brought to my attention recently when thinking to myself if I was to ever get married I have no one to be bridesmaids.

The more I think of this I resent myself. I must be a horrible, irrelevant person if I can't keep a single friend iny life.

In reading your post it is almost like looking at myself.

Apart from the bit where you've gone travelling the rest is almost me.

In my own case I was diagnosed with a personality disorder and am currently undergoing assessment for a variety of other issues, Asperger's syndrome has been suggested by some medical professionals for the reasons in my own case, has any of that been suggested to you OP?

zoobizoo

Do you get along with your brothers and sisters? Can you ask them if there is anything in your behaviour that would lead to these scenarios.

People you meet while travelling aren't that relevant - they're fleeting moments in your life. Chances of keeping friendships going across countries and continents are slim to none. I met loads of people while travelling the world. I'm in touch with one still - an ex.

I know a few women who have fallen out with their friends... and there was a lot of blame put on others. "They did this", "they said this", "she is / was ".... "She went mental"..... "they all turned on me".....

At the start I couldn't believe how badly they'd been treated by these people. After a while I realised that they were the cause of the problems.

Not saying it's the same in your case, but they were the main cause of the problems - they were either unwilling to forgive minor sleights / issues or seemed to read things into situations that weren't really there.

Good friendships can be hard at times. Casual friendships shouldn't be.

It doesn't mean that you're horrible or irrelevant - but it might mean that you need to alter some of your behaviours in order to get along better with people

Airyfairy12

Youre not horrible. We've all had friendships drift out of our lives and we've all had frenemies like you describe in your post. You can't take responsibility for other people's behaviour and it sounds like some of these 'friends' youre better off without.
It is strange how your primary school friends suddenly excluded you, it sounds like you were friends for a long time so why the sudden cold shoulder? Did something happen between discussing and booking the holiday?

I feel like youre not giving enough information to really understand whats going on here and when you say you 'dont let things slide' and you 'let your feelings be known' what do you mean by this? do you hold grudges? do you shout or create arguments or drama? There are ways to express yourself without creating a bigger mess.

FriendFree93

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

In reading your post it is almost like looking at myself.

Apart from the bit where you've gone travelling the rest is almost me.

In my own case I was diagnosed with a personality disorder and am currently undergoing assessment for a variety of other issues, Asperger's syndrome has been suggested by some medical professionals for the reasons in my own case, has any of that been suggested to you OP?

Thanks for the response. No it hasn't been suggested but I've never sought help on the matter so certainly a possibility. Feels like everyone else has a million friends and mine just come and go.

FriendFree93

Apologies as I'm replying from my phone it won't let me quote separately.

The reason I think I'm the problem is because I'm the common denominator. People just seem to treat me badly and don't really see me as much of a loss. I feel like a disposable friend.

My partner who has seen most of these fall outs would tell me if I'm being too harsh or whatever. When friends have been rude or dismissive of me in the past he has said to me to let it slide that it's not worth bringing up. But I see that as me allowing people to take advantage of me.

The primary school friends is a tricky one. There was always 4 of us as a group of friends. One was married with kids so didn't do a lot of the trips or nights out which was always fine but she would some times host the night (we would drink in hers and head out and she wouldn't)
So for holidays it was generally the three of us. One evening one rang me saying "oh me and Mary* were talking and we're thinking of going to *Portugal" my response was "I know I've been before but loved it and would love to go again.
A few days later this friend put on Facebook "just booked a trip to Portugal with Mary woo"
I text them saying this was so rude they knew I wanted to go. Their response was dismissive and nasty. That was the end of that. Never heard from them again. I did wish one of them a happy birthday on Facebook but that was about 3 years ago now.

It's like every single friendship I make is a ticking time bomb. I don't know if it's people get bored of me. But I just feel totally irrelevant to people.

Airyfairy12

What about the 4th primary school friend who's married with children, do you still speak to her? does she think what they did was unacceptable or has she taken sides?

FriendFree93

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What about the 4th primary school friend who's married with children, do you still speak to her? does she think what they did was unacceptable or has she taken sides?

She deleted me on Facebook after it so I never reached out to her figured she didn't wanna hear if she deleted me ☹️

zoobizoo

FriendFree93 wrote: »

. But I see that as me allowing people to take advantage of me.

Sometimes you need to let things slide for the sake of any relationship. Depending obviously on how serious the thing is.

As for the holiday, texting someone to say they're rude and is probably not going to elicit the response yiu want.

You wanted to go on the holiday. But did you convey that directly?

When you found out that they had booked it, A phone call from you saying, "hey, can I join you guys in Portugal?" would have got a direct response and possibly an invitation. Might it have been that they are single and you're attached..

Texting to say "you're rude" won't oil the wheels of friendship.

Are you a breezy person or needy? It's easy to be breezy with friendships when you have a selection of friends from which to choose.

When you've fewer, the friendships you have can have greater meaning for you than for the others and it could come across as overbearing.

I'm thinking of that friend of mine who would make a new best friend and then it would all dissolve over a word or something that was said. Her new best friend basically told her to back off... It was as if my friend thought "I've a new best friend now and we'll do everything together" while the other girl thought "I've loads of friends.... You're only one of them. I've just met you. I don't need drama from you"

Friendships are meant to be fun relationships.

December2012

FriendFree93 wrote: »

e saying "oh me and Mary* were talking and we're thinking of going to *Portugal" my response was "I know I've been before but loved it and would love to go again.
A few days later this friend put on Facebook "just booked a trip to Portugal with Mary woo"
I text them saying this was so rude they knew I wanted to go. Their response was dismissive and nasty.

You see I think you were dismissive and nasty. These were your friends and instead of talking to them and asking if you could join them you texted them and gave out to them. That's bang out of order.

From what you say, you're very dramatic and over reactive. You're so determined to "not get taken advantage of" instead of letting things go as advised by your partner.

Growing up I had friends who behaved like that. As I matured, i no longer wanted to put up with that bs behaviour.

Your friends probably did the same.

Cut that stuff out!

FriendFree93

December2012 wrote: »

You see I think you were dismissive and nasty. These were your friends and instead of talking to them and asking if you could join them you texted them and gave out to them. That's bang out of order.

From what you say, you're very dramatic and over reactive. You're so determined to "not get taken advantage of" instead of letting things go as advised by your partner.

Growing up I had friends who behaved like that. As I matured, i no longer wanted to put up with that bs behaviour.

Your friends probably did the same.

Cut that stuff out!

It definitely wasn't an angry message.(this was 4 years ago) It was more of a "look I've had enough of this u knew I wanted to go and you left me out and that's rude and I don't need that" I believe her response was "when did u start crapping money"

I don't want to focus on any one friendship loss because I'm not here to win any friends back I just feel worthless and like I'm no loss to anyone. I've become cautious of making new friends because I'm just waiting for it to end..

Actually I just remembered another story of a friend I met at a yoga class I went to. We were really good friends for about 7 months doing loads together and when I moved away travelling for a while and came home for Christmas I text her to meet up a few times and she never would. Then she asked why was I so eager that we were never that friendly anyway.

Wesser

I think you need to work on your self esteem. If you feel good and confident about yourself then you won't perceive these events as insults yourself. And then you don't react angrily . You'll just text them..... aaahh lovely ..... any space for a third?

kylith

FriendFree93 wrote: »

It definitely wasn't an angry message.(this was 4 years ago) It was more of a "look I've had enough of this u knew I wanted to go and you left me out and that's rude and I don't need that" I believe her response was "when did u start crapping money"

Well, that is a rude, angry message you sent. Why, when she told you they were thinking of booking, didn't you say you'd love to join them? When you saw they'd booked it you could have asked if there was room for one more.

TBH, I think you need to take a good hard look at how you react to people. Because if you're so focussed on not being taken advantage of that you leap on every perceived slight and can't let anything slide or laugh anything off people won't want to be around you.

I know someone like that and she is incredibly stressful to be around; you're constantly on eggshells and she's also prone to trying to pass insults off as jokes despite being the first to take offense at the slightest thing.

Seriously, as you say yourself: the common denominator is you. Either you choose shy friends or there is something in the way you behave that turns people off. Work out which it is and how to change it.

FriendFree93

kylith wrote: »

Well, that is a rude, angry message you sent. Why, when she told you they were thinking of booking, didn't you say you'd love to join them? When you saw they'd booked it you could have asked if there was room for one more.

I did say I wanted to join when they said they were talking about it that was the first thing i said.

Anyway my problem here isn't what happened a few years ago it's that it keeps happening and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Even new friends that I don't know that well seem to lose interest really quickly.

I'm a really loyal, reliable, kind, helpful friend. I will always have my friends backs. I never cancel plans I've gone out of my way to help a friend. I flew across the world once to help a friend out and no matter what it goes unnoticed and I get forgotten and made feel worthless.

I keep thinking it's because I'm no fun, boring etc which of course puts more pressure on me. It's gotten so bad than when there is an event on I psych myself up so much about meeting new people that I don't enjoy myself.

Wesser

If you want to find out what's going wrong now then you have to look at the reasons why friendships in the past failed .

Wesser

I think you should get some.e professional counselling to help you with your self esteem and find out what's going wrong.

kylith

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I'm a really loyal, reliable, kind, helpful friend. I will always have my friends backs. I never cancel plans I've gone out of my way to help a friend. I flew across the world once to help a friend out and no matter what it goes unnoticed and I get forgotten and made feel worthless.

And the woman I know is exactly the same, but it doesn't mean she's fun to spend time with.

Maybe your loyalty and helpfulness is taken as clingyness. Perhaps you could just do with relaxing a bit more and going with the flow.

Airyfairy12

OP you sound like a very good friend to have, maybe youre just choosing the wrong people to be friends with or maybe you attract users due to your kind and caring nature?
The friends youve talked about here dont sound like they were true friends in the first place.
Personally speaking ive got a small handful of friends as from experience most people are full of drama, negativity or only want someone to get drunk with on the weekends and arent interested in a meaningful friendship, most of my female friendships throughout the years have been more hassle than theyre worth.
Unfortunately theres just allot of a$$holes that will drop you as they feel like it, chances are they drop others too youre just not around to see it.

tomwaterford

FriendFree93 wrote: »

. I don't know if it's people get bored of me. But I just feel totally irrelevant to people.

This is a horrible feeling

I know it the same,

Maybe your expecting too much of people??
Everyone will let ya down eventually....that's life like

No friends are better than crappy friends who exclude you from everything/cancel at the last min the whole time!

Colser

Hard to say...maybe you're too intense or latching onto every little thing as an insult.

Something minor but when they told you about Portugal you replied that you'd been there already before agreeing to go...sometimes people say that in a way that comes across as annoying...hard to describe what I mean but it's just like ya I'll go along although I've been there before..kind of been there done that already.

What happened to the friend you travelled across the world for,that sounds dramatic.

Also most people have a small amount of real friends,I've 4 and I really consider myself lucky to have them.What can look like huge groups of friends are rarely as they seem,if you went through the group most people would probably only consider a small amount of the others as actual good ,close friends.

Augme

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I did say I wanted to join when they said they were talking about it that was the first thing i said.

But you didn't say that. You said

FriendFree93 wrote: »

One evening one rang me saying "oh me and Mary* were talking and we're thinking of going to *Portugal" my response was "I know I've been before but loved it and would love to go again.

They just have taken that's as random comment and not that you wanted to go on this occasion or with them. Maybe they thought "Well if she wanted to go with us she would have came out and actually said it."

FriendFree93

Colser wrote: »

Hard to say...maybe you're too intense or latching onto every little thing as an insult.

Something minor but when they told you about Portugal you replied that you'd been there already before agreeing to go...sometimes people say that in a way that comes across as annoying...hard to describe what I mean but it's just like ya I'll go along although I've been there before..kind of been there done that already.

What happened to the friend you travelled across the world for,that sounds dramatic.

.

This is the same girl. She went travelling her boyfriend at home cheated they broke up, I flew to New Zealand. Had half planned to go anyway but felt more determined knowing she was having a hard time.

FriendFree93

tomwaterford wrote: »

This is a horrible feeling

I know it the same,

Maybe your expecting too much of people??
Everyone will let ya down eventually....that's life like
!

That's a sad reality ain't it?

I think also things hurt me more than others. I'm also a person of my word. If I tell you I will do something or be somewhere then I'm committed. I never go back on what I say so when other people do I find it hard to understand.

I've lost track of the amount of time where someone has said "we should go to xyz this weekend" the weekend comes and when you get in touch they are busy doing something else. Where as I will have cleared my schedule to be available.

tomwaterford

FriendFree93 wrote: »

That's a sad reality ain't it?

I think also things hurt me more than others. I'm also a person of my word. If I tell you I will do something or be somewhere then I'm committed. I never go back on what I say so when other people do I find it hard to understand.

I've lost track of the amount of time where someone has said "we should go to xyz this weekend" the weekend comes and when you get in touch they are busy doing something else. Where as I will have cleared my schedule to be available.

Just stop making the effort if I was you.....if you want to do xyz,just go for it and do it alone

People can tag along if they wish then

December2012

So you expect the nz girl to do loads for you because you went on a trip that you were going to go on anyway?

To be honest, in your responses on the thread you're being argumentative in my opinion.

You claim you ask for opinions, and when you get opinions you don't like you disagree.

Something for you to think about.

FriendFree93

December2012 wrote: »

So you expect the nz girl to do loads for you because you went on a trip that you were going to go on anyway?

To be honest, in your responses on the thread you're being argumentative in my opinion.

You claim you ask for opinions, and when you get opinions you don't like you disagree.

Something for you to think about.

I don't / didn't expect anything. I'm simply filling in some empty gaps in the stories where asked.

I'm not being argumentative. However as I said I don't want to focus on that particular friendship as there is many many factors over the course of that friendship that haven't been provided here ie. Her playing a part in a boyfriend of mine cheating on me. That particular friendship was toxic for many years and resulted in me being on antidepressants after it fell apart.

I simply am looking for some advice on how to fix my self esteem and not feel like I'm the only one in the world who can't hold onto a friendship. How to spot when a friendship is going downhill etc

FriendFree93

kylith wrote: »

And the woman I know is exactly the same, but it doesn't mean she's fun to spend time with.

Maybe your loyalty and helpfulness is taken as clingyness. Perhaps you could just do with relaxing a bit more and going with the flow.

Definitely something I could work on trying to be more relaxed etc as I do get panicked and upset about these things

KKkitty

I'm at the totally opposite end of the spectrum as far as the OP is concerned. Friends can say this and that and never be there for you. If people really want to be your friend they will be no matter what. I've had "friends" come and go. People get wrapped up in their own lives so much that they forget their true friends. It's not entirely their fault but it may happen.

spurious

Not directly an answer, but please never 'say' anything important by text. It is a horrid medium, which does not allow for tone and is the source of many if not most misunderstandings and rows these days.

FriendFree93

KKkitty wrote: »

I'm at the totally opposite end of the spectrum as far as the OP is concerned. Friends can say this and that and never be there for you. If people really want to be your friend they will be no matter what. I've had "friends" come and go. People get wrapped up in their own lives so much that they forget their true friends. It's not entirely their fault but it may happen.

I agree so much. Life gets in the way which I can totally understand. I don't ever expect to see any friend constantly. Just having a friend to meet up with once a month for a chat or drinks etc would be perfect.