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Breaking up with your friends!

Eimee90

After seeing someone who looked like a former friend today, it had me thinking about the friends I've lost.

I fell out with my best friend who I met in College, who I saw myself getting old with, two years ago. After a series of episodes and tough moments from her including dropping me or using me when she got a boyfriend, I began to distance myself, rather than fixing it, she never contacted me again and the friendship ended.

There are times I deeply miss her, all the fun we had. All the conversations. Then I remember she never rang me again or made an effort and it's painful. She chose a guy over a 10 year friendship. It really hurts.

It had me thinking if this is normal? Do people become friends again. It's hard to think someone can wipe out 10 years so easily.

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Steve F

Mollyb60 wrote: »

I cut ties with my best childhood friend after school because she was headed down a road I had no intention of following. She got into drugs and heavy drinking and it just wasn't my scene so she had to go. A pity but I got over it.

On the other hand, my husband had a group of friends he had known since school. When he and I started going out we would hang out with all of them and their girlfriends in a big group. One day without warning they all collectively stopped asking us out to things or texting us. We tried to keep in contact but they made it clear to us that they wanted nothing to do with us. We haven't spoken to them in almost 10 years now and I know it really hurt my husband because there was nothing that we could see we did to offend them. I always thought it was my fault but we haven't a clue what went on there. We thought maybe one of the girls (who seemed to have a problem with me) had convinced them all that I was a horrible witch or something but it really confused us.

In conclusion: humans are dicks. Be sad about it for a while but try to move on.

God I would have HAD TO have got to the bottom of why they froze you out
I wouldn't have rested til I knew why

nice_guy80

con___manx1 wrote: »

I'm not being sexist or anything but women seem to fall out with there friends much more than men.
Women are much more sensitive and something a man wouldn't even bat an eyelid at could become a big issue.
That's just my experience anyway.

they can be very bitchy
and very insecure about what someone does or says to them (as in, the smallest thing not like replying to a text, or not having time to go for a coffee)
and can definitely harbour a grudge

my oh has two groups of friends - one from work, other since school. the way they can behave or some of the stuff they come out with is just ridiculous

leggo

You can get lost in a rabbit hole thinking about friendship and what it actually is. Just deal with the people you have around you at any one stage and the one's who stick around over the long-term, regardless of changing circumstances, are the ones you want in your life. The rest aren't worth thinking about. They'll have their side to the story and, if you were to actual crack their brains open and see it, you'd probably think it was fair enough. You've got to deal with the circumstances you're dealt though, ruminating over past stuff isn't good.

tomwaterford

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If a friendship is going to end, make sure to end it on your terms. Don't allow them to annoy you by doing wrong and then becoming withdrawn, thereby avoiding the fallout. You only get that frustrated "but they did wrong, and it's like I'm being blamed" feeling.

I'd be complete opposite,I try my best be friends etc with people for years on end

But when I fall out,its done
no big falling out/drama,

Just walk away and get on with my life,no contact through WhatsApp, snapchat etc......probably comes across as right odd etc,but fck it

zcorpian88

Ended a 20 year friendship with someone this year, have my reasons, I set him up with his girlfriend, lovely girl, in fact I was into her myself for a while but she more or less friend zoned me, soon as I found someone else she decided to get off the fence and admitted out of the blue she had feelings for me, was too late by this point. A year later my friend kept nagging me to invite her out so he could try his luck. Didn't think he'd have had a chance with her. Lo and behold he got off with her.

Noticed a few things over the coming year or two that he lies to her about all sorts, and I kept quiet about it, but it really annoyed me. He's also had a number of arguments with other people in our circle over all sorts, leading him to be tossed out of our circle of friends, he was in the wrong in all the arguments, and was increasingly coming across as a narcissistic tosser. I did care about her as a friend like and wouldn't want her to be treated badly, but the final straw came when a mutual friend of ours sent me a text telling me that himself sexually assaulted her in a bar while his girlfriend who I set him up with was at the bar ordering for them. Avoided them for months after that, eventually they twiged that I was going out of my way to avoid them.

She eventually asked me "What was up? clearly you're avoiding us" and I told her. And that I wouldn't be comfortable sitting in a room while he lets on that he done nothing wrong and generally he treats her like an idiot.

She didn't think it was a big deal which was surprising. Thought she'd value herself a bit more not to accept that bull****, I'd like to think if I slapped a woman full force across the arse when my girlfriend was out of sight and didn't come clean about it if it was a moment of madness then I'd like to think I wouldn't have a girlfriend for much longer.

topper75

You were born alone, and you will die alone.

People come and go.

Once you reconcile yourself with these realities, there is no sadness or sense of betrayal.

leggo

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Ended a 20 year friendship with someone this year, have my reasons, I set him up with his girlfriend, lovely girl, in fact I was into her myself for a while but she more or less friend zoned me, soon as I found someone else she decided to get off the fence and admitted out of the blue she had feelings for me, was too late by this point. A year later my friend kept nagging me to invite her out so he could try his luck. Didn't think he'd have had a chance with her. Lo and behold he got off with her.

Noticed a few things over the coming year or two that he lies to her about all sorts, and I kept quiet about it, but it really annoyed me. He's also had a number of arguments with other people in our circle over all sorts, leading him to be tossed out of our circle of friends, he was in the wrong in all the arguments, and was increasingly coming across as a narcissistic tosser. I did care about her as a friend like and wouldn't want her to be treated badly, but the final straw came when a mutual friend of ours sent me a text telling me that himself sexually assaulted her in a bar while his girlfriend who I set him up with was at the bar ordering for them. Avoided them for months after that, eventually they twiged that I was going out of my way to avoid them.

She eventually asked me "What was up? clearly you're avoiding us" and I told her. And that I wouldn't be comfortable sitting in a room while he lets on that he done nothing wrong and generally he treats her like an idiot.

She didn't think it was a big deal which was surprising. Thought she'd value herself a bit more not to accept that bull****, I'd like to think if I slapped a woman full force across the arse when my girlfriend was out of sight and didn't come clean about it if it was a moment of madness then I'd like to think I wouldn't have a girlfriend for much longer.

While he does sound like a knob, it sounds like you're into this girl and she probably just didn't believe you when you told her as a result. The fact you said 'sexually assaulted' before saying 'slapped on the arse' backs this up: I mean it's not incorrect, but when you hear sexually assaulted at first you think worst case scenario whereas it's actually at the other end of the spectrum. So it suggests you're trying to meddle and make this guy out to be as bad a guy as possible. Being mad because he lied to his gf and telling her about this is interfering way beyond your station and you're way too invested in a relationship that has nothing to do with you.

Either way, he sounds like a bad dude and you're trying to break up his relationship, so it's probably best you made the non-friendship official.

[Deleted User]

tomwaterford wrote: »

I'd be complete opposite,I try my best be friends etc with people for years on end

But when I fall out,its done
no big falling out/drama,

Just walk away and get on with my life,no contact through WhatsApp, snapchat etc......probably comes across as right odd etc,but fck it

If you're on that receiving end of that blanking, it is extremely annoying. I far prefer having things out, have a f***ing match, let everything be said, rather than seeing something fade out through the no speak thing. I'm not trying to insult you, far from it, I dunno what your circumstances were, but in the circumstances when I was on the receiving end it seemed very childish - I pointed out to ex friends that I know they behaved badly, they first got stroppy and then stopped contact. So I nailed them good and proper.

It felt good. It enabled me say what I wanted to say instead of that feeling that they did wrong and then sneaked off with no consequences.

valoren

My wife had a best friend for 9 years before I met her. They would go out together, go on holidays all that stuff.
She met me, but still made more than enough time for her friend, who was 4 years older, perpetually single.
In time we married and her friend finally met someone. We were planning a wedding and her friend was to be maid of honor.

She asked my wife if she wanted us all to go the a concert in Dublin. We already had plans made around that time so we declined. A week later she sent my wife a text which basically said "We've had some fun times but I no longer want to be friends. All the best for the future." My wife was crushed. She was 40 at the time, my wife was 36.

For me, it looked like my wife was nothing but 'social proof' for her friend in hindsight. That she was someone her friend used to go out with, to keep her company until she ultimately met someone. There was no need to cut ties with her at all. It was downright weird. It was as if, the very second she got a boyfriend she unceremoniously dumped my wife, who even now a few years later get's sad thinking about what happened.

Burial.

I consciously ditch and make a new inner social circle every few years pretty much. I like change and get sick of the same faces pretty quickly so it's grand. I'd still send the odd message on group chat and what not but I'd slowly get more distant and say I'm too busy to meet up and go on the pull and sh*t like that. I'm being a c*nt but I really couldn't care.

It's quite liberating starting from the start again, getting to know new people and work your way in. Eventually you'll cross paths with old friends and with some you'll rekindle the friendship which is sound but it works well for weeding out bad people that you were almost forced to consider friends. Eye opener for me was partying and hanging out with lads who said the same stuff every week. Too boring and too monotonous.

Beefy78

I can't imagine life without my friends. I'm 38 now and have known most of them for literally decades at this stage. Sure your social group gets smaller, people marry, move on, but you don't need to see people every week to be close and it makes the time you do spend together so special.

tomwaterford

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If you're on that receiving end of that blanking, it is extremely annoying. I far prefer having things out, have a f***ing match, let everything be said, rather than seeing something fade out through the no speak thing. I'm not trying to insult you, far from it, I dunno what your circumstances were, but in the circumstances when I was on the receiving end it seemed very childish - I pointed out to ex friends that I know they behaved badly, they first got stroppy and then stopped contact. So I nailed them good and proper.

It felt good. It enabled me say what I wanted to say instead of that feeling that they did wrong and then sneaked off with no consequences.

No insults taken

....different strikes for different folks

It just I gave years running about after people,getting left down/out of things etc....last straw was being left on the hook for couple hundred euro

Put it like this,it took 2 or 3 months before any attempted to contact me....so safe to say they weren't too put out by it

Also,I do struggle at talking,my words not come out massively clearly (along way better last 12 months tbf),and a big dirty blaa accent not help either :pac:....

.so if I went to have a big blow out/row while in theory would've been good....would just have resulted in me getting laughed at

^^I know this is all rambling,but ya get the idea,I hope

jamesbere

valoren wrote: »

My wife had a best friend for 9 years before I met her. They would go out together, go on holidays all that stuff.
She met me, but still made more than enough time for her friend, who was 4 years older, perpetually single.
In time we married and her friend finally met someone. We were planning a wedding and her friend was to be maid of honor.

She asked my wife if she wanted us all to go the a concert in Dublin. We already had plans made around that time so we declined. A week later she sent my wife a text which basically said "We've had some fun times but I no longer want to be friends. All the best for the future." My wife was crushed. She was 40 at the time, my wife was 36.

For me, it looked like my wife was nothing but 'social proof' for her friend in hindsight. That she was someone her friend used to go out with, to keep her company until she ultimately met someone. There was no need to cut ties with her at all. It was downright weird. It was as if, the very second she got a boyfriend she unceremoniously dumped my wife, who even now a few years later get's sad thinking about what happened.

Was there any indication that relations were strained between the two? I mean that's an odd way for a friendship to end.

valoren

jamesbere wrote: »

Was there any indication that relations were strained between the two? I mean that's an odd way for a friendship to end.

None whatsoever, it was completely out of the blue. Just a text. No details about anything that might have caused her to think that way or if something was on her mind. A 9 year friendship ended by a text. We'd gone for dinner about a month before after we came home newly engaged. A few weeks later she sent the text. Nuts.

zcorpian88

leggo wrote: »

While he does sound like a knob, it sounds like you're into this girl and she probably just didn't believe you when you told her as a result. The fact you said 'sexually assaulted' before saying 'slapped on the arse' backs this up: I mean it's not incorrect, but when you hear sexually assaulted at first you think worst case scenario whereas it's actually at the other end of the spectrum. So it suggests you're trying to meddle and make this guy out to be as bad a guy as possible. Being mad because he lied to his gf and telling her about this is interfering way beyond your station and you're way too invested in a relationship that has nothing to do with you.

Either way, he sounds like a bad dude and you're trying to break up his relationship, so it's probably best you made the non-friendship official.

Nah I'm not into her anymore, that ship has sailed, doesn't mean I want her to spend the rest of her life with someone that may pull that kind of crap again or worse, he lies to her about all sorts and looks for praise for certain lies and drags other people into lying for him, one example is he gave up smoking for her right, and one night we were all hanging out, and herself gets up to go home and she leaves and the second she's gone, legs it upstairs for his fags, and looks at me then and says "Say nothing to her" she generally doesn't like smoking and he "gave that up"as well as a fondness for a more exotic tobacco if you catch my drift.

Few months later we were in a pub and himself goes on about quitting smoking and how easy it is and looking for a pat on the back and herself looking at him like he achieved the great feat of giving up smoking, completely fooled like, had no problem bulls**ting her like and two other people trying to keep a straight face, made me very uncomfortable.

I had evidence of the arse slap, I sent a screenshot of the Facebook conversation to her. A slap on the arse is sexual assault, right? Not the worst one in the book maybe, but still, it's not right, women are private about their space, if it were the other way around, a guy would laugh it off but for women it's different. Just bugs me being I did him a favour inviting her out that night in the first place, and it paid off for him, and he does that to her...not to mention our mutual friend was pretty angry about it but didn't confront him there and then being she didn't want to ruin the night out being she rarely gets out.

razorblunt

Mollyb60 wrote: »

I cut ties with my best childhood friend after school because she was headed down a road I had no intention of following. She got into drugs and heavy drinking and it just wasn't my scene so she had to go. A pity but I got over it.

On the other hand, my husband had a group of friends he had known since school. When he and I started going out we would hang out with all of them and their girlfriends in a big group. One day without warning they all collectively stopped asking us out to things or texting us. We tried to keep in contact but they made it clear to us that they wanted nothing to do with us. We haven't spoken to them in almost 10 years now and I know it really hurt my husband because there was nothing that we could see we did to offend them. I always thought it was my fault but we haven't a clue what went on there. We thought maybe one of the girls (who seemed to have a problem with me) had convinced them all that I was a horrible witch or something but it really confused us.

In conclusion: humans are dicks. Be sad about it for a while but try to move on.

I'd get over being cut off but I could never get off not knowing why. I'd have to know, there's always one weak link in a group like that, they'd break and let you know.

Owryan

I ve ditched all my school friends, simply lost contact, life choices, one became a conspiracy nut.....

Even friends I made in work I dropped. In college now and when I leave I doubt I ll keep in touch with the majority of the friends I ve made there.

Dunno, for some reason I don't see the need to keep long term friendships. Yet for others it is something they hold onto even if it's not good for them.

leggo

Dumping friends for little to no reason is such short-term thinking though. Friendships can fade and that's just life, but they can also pick up again if circumstances align. The amount of people I have in my life that I can not see for months or years then just pick up with is great. Just yesterday, I had a girl I used to work with in for a viewing for a room in my apartment. We got on great in work but just didn't really have a place for each other in 'real life', now circumstances have aligned and she'll likely have a place when she needs one and it's got me out of a jam when another person has been forced to move out on relatively short notice.

I just don't see any advantage to dropping good friends from your life. If they're a negative influence or a bit sly then yeah, but aside from that you're just cutting your nose off to spite your face. You never know when you might need people (and not even materially, emotionally etc) or how things will work out for you or them.

Bambi985

I've only got one friend from school, the majority of my friends are from college or later working years.

I think in school you tend to fall into friendships of convenience - you live close to each other, mothers are friends, are in the same class and go to the same swimming class etc. That and you're a kid and haven't fully developed into who you will become.

In college you're an adult and have the ability to choose a bit more. The people I was "best mates" with in school are now strangers to me, I'd have nothing in common with them anymore and they'd probably wreck my head.

I've also travelled a lot and been really surprised by who has stayed in my life and proved themselves to be incredible friends versus who I've lost or fallen out with. I've lost some people that were like sisters to me and my best friend in the world is someone I'd never really been that close to until recent years. She's been remarkably loyal in a way that most others were not.

jamesbere

valoren wrote: »

None whatsoever, it was completely out of the blue. Just a text. No details about anything that might have caused her to think that way or if something was on her mind. A 9 year friendship ended by a text. We'd gone for dinner about a month before after we came home newly engaged. A few weeks later she sent the text. Nuts.

What a strange woman, not very nice for your wife of course

Whispered

I broke up with my oldest friend about two years ago. Or maybe she broke up with me. She moved to Dubai for a few years and contact became sporadic, it had always been that way when she travelled and i thought nothing of it. We kept in touch with the odd message and meet up when she'd be home.

I had a baby in Dec 14 and wasn't dealing with PP very well. We had spoken, she knew i was struggling. Then a few months later she let slip that she had been home for Christmas that year but was very busy. She lived five mins from me and hadn't even let me know she was in the country. I was so hurt. I understand people get busy but when you're struggling with something, your oldest friend is someone to cheer you up.

Few months on i got an invitation in the post to her wedding. She had been my bridesmaid, I didn't even know she had set a date until it arrived.

So I figured she had done her best to distance herself from me and did her the favour of cutting all contact.

Logically I know people grow apart and nobody is at fault for that but it still stings.

team_actimel

I've gotten to the stage in my life where my family are my best friends.

I still have friends, but as another poster said they're more like social acquaintances. We send a few texts to each other every couple of weeks and meet up every couple of months for lunch or a night out. Compared to when we were all seeing each other a few times a week as teenagers, we're not spending much time together.

Sometimes it feels like meeting up for the sake of keeping friendships going. Since we're not making many new memories together, it's reminiscing over old good times together.

I would never break up with a friend unless they did something bad, but everyone experiences friendships naturally fizzing out.

frag420

judeboy101 wrote: »

Everyone eventually betrays you so why bother with friends in the first place.

That you Jesus?

KERSPLAT!

I've never cut ties with a friend but I've drifted away from many, for whatever reason. Such is life

MagicIRL

I have two great friends. The kind of lads who if I rang saying I had a body, they'd turn up with a black sack and a shovel.

I always had large circles of 'friends' in school or college, even when starting my first graduate job with 20 or so other people. But I always found these were more friendships of convenience or circumstances. I knew had we not been thrust together by a mutual thing, like education, then we wouldn't have been friendly with one another.

Sure enough these friendships fell away, or in some cases, I consciously ended because underneath all the chat, they were just acquaintances, and ones I didn't really care that much about.

Agricola

In my late teens I became friends with a guy who lived near a relative of mine. He was slightly older than me, which is a big deal when you're talking about 16 / 18 year olds, but he never let it be a factor and sort of became like a big brother to me.

When I left school, I got a place in college in the same city he was living and since he just happened to be in need of a flatmate to split the rent, I went to live with him for my first year. We had some epic times. To be 18, away from home for the first time, living with your best buddy, all the good points of a houseshare, with none of the cons such as strangers stealing your food etc.
Towards the end of that year, he did something which in hindsight was pretty tame, but at the time seemed a very serious breach of trust and we had a big row. We didn't talk for the rest of the summer and even though he returned to my college that autumn himself and we had a couple of awkward encounters, we never formally put it behind us. I had plenty of other friends both at home and in college at the time and I didn't really care very much anyway.
The following year, he emigrated and now, 15 odd years later, is settled with a family abroad.

To this day I regret what happened. I know that he was one of those core true friends, who would be in my life to some degree for as long as we both were knocking around. Best man material. In this age of social media, where all our old acquaintances are just a quick search and a message away, I've thought about reaching out but never have. Oceans of water have passed under the bridge.

chrissb8

All I'll say is don't neglect the people in your life. Life doesn't get in the way you just let it get in the way. If you have time to watch boxset after boxset you have time to pick up the phone or arrange a meet up. I find those excuses pathetic and vague. You live in the age of social media he/she is just a click away for a quick catch up.

Wanderer2010

I'm always wary of people (especially men) who have the exact same friends in their 30s that they did when they were 8 or 9 in school. It suggests a lack of maturity in a person because it would be next to impossible for a group of people to mature at the exact same rate as they go through life and react to the many and varied circumstances that life throws at them. People who are still friends after decades either haven't ever left their home town or still have the exact same sense of humour or life view and I personally find that very limiting in a person.

Eimee90

JupiterKid wrote:

Wouldn't this thread be better placed in Personal Issues?

JupiterKid wrote:

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, OP.

No it's not an issue for me. Its something lm curious about, and wanted to see if it's common.

pragmatic1

suicide_circus wrote: »

All relationships take work.

We can all be utter tossers at times so it behoves us to be patient and forgiving rather than holier than though demanding perfection. Otherwise we wake up one day quite alone. We don't owe eachother anything.

Some people are obviously toxic and need to be removed without mercy however.

I agree with this post. It's very easy to have an "I'm perfect" attitude in relationships but we can all be cnuts to each other without even realising. I've done bad stuff to friends and they've done bad stuff to me, but at the end of the day were only human and loyalty is extremely important.

It's very easy to expect way too much from people, even family.