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Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Pablo_Picasso

Do you believe relationships, where there is a significant age gap(10 years and over), actually work/ last? Are they based on lust?

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Ann_Landers

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To be honest, I'm kinda bored of the topic now. Maybe someone else will answer those questions.

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Wibbs

Man we ended up with Freud? OK... Seems all pretty obvious to me that men will - all things being equal and at the primal level - find attractive and seek out women who are as fertile as possible. Women's fertility window is narrower than men's and the basics of what men see as physically "beautiful" are pretty much all fertility and age related and transcend culture and geography. What women find physically attractive in men is also fertility related, but it's less concerned with age and again that transcends culture and geography. Hence in damn near every culture out there older socially powerful men with younger women is a near given. That's not to say that older socially powerful women didn't take younger men as lovers, but it tended to be less public and the traffic goes much more the other direction.

That's at a very basic brass tacks level of course. Individuals differ as individuals will.

Permabear wrote: »

The common theme here is the progressive belief that anyone should be able to marry the person he or she loves, without discrimination and condemnation.

With really one remaining factor: age. This still evokes some of the reactions seen on this thread.

It can depend on the nature of the couple too. EG gay male couples where there is a wider age gap than the norm tend not to attract as much ire. EG Stephen Fry got some static for marrying someone 30 years younger, but less than if it had been a similar but heterosexual age gap coupling. Though I suspect that's more down to a fear of appearing homophobic and behind closed doors the tutting would be loud.

I'd say the main reason large age gaps of any makeup is down to the concern of power imbalance. That somehow the older man/woman is taking advantage of some social position or other to then take advantage of the younger man/woman relative lack of same. That goes both ways of course. It can also be seen that the younger is leveraging their youth to go up the social scale. QV "gold diggers". And men can be such morons on this score. Thinking with their hearts via their mickeys with the brains nowhere to be seen.

I have myself personally noticed far less disapproval going on where the couple are closer together in everything but their age. IE a couple with the same basic intelligence, education, social background and physical attractiveness. That's seen as far less "creepy".

Ditto for such relationships that may have attracted raised eyebrows but stay the course. Paul Daniels and his missus were mentioned earlier and they got some static but they stayed together for a long time and only ended with his death. Ditto for Bogey and Bacall.

For me anyway where I would see "creepy"(and feel if I was in such a relationship) is if there was the sniff of parent/child interaction going on. Almost outside of the number involved in the gap.

There is another element I'd reckon. That is women are near constantly bombarded with advertising and social pressure to be "young and beautiful", certainly much more than men. So seeing older men going for much younger, maybe(if not usually) less accomplished women just by virtue of their more recent birthday would be irritating.

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

Actually I'm wondering about friends of the couple and maturity levels. My OH is five years older than me and I have friends that I made in college that are five years younger than me. If I spend time with a group of them and she is there, she is usually looking at me like "What are these idiots on about?". Similarly she has some friends in their forties who I like but my god are they dull. They also shun the likes of Netflix and I can sense the generation gap in these minor ways. Maybe this is more to do with personality of course but I just wondered about maturity levels.

People vary a lot on this score. I've known men who were 20 going on 40, racking up the years so they'd feel happily middle aged. Actually I have found men in general to be more prone to this and age mentally less well than women in general. Tending to lock into a comfortable mindset and sticking to it like glue.

ohnonotgmail

Pac1Man wrote: »

A 47 year old going out with a 21 year old. Who was/is taking advantage of who I wonder?

Is that a prerequisite for a relationship with a large age gap?

[Deleted User]

The topic is do these relatonships last, we have a few lads in here saying they are with 20 year olds and they themselves are 40 odd or something........... as it's not been going on since the "ladies" were 14 it's not really a relevant example IMO

ohnonotgmail

Augeo wrote: »

The topic is do these relatonships last, we have a few lads in here saying they are with 20 year olds and they themselves are 40 odd or something........... as it's not been going on since the "ladies" were 14 it's not really a relevant example IMO

there have been examples posted where the relationship has lasted decades.

Wibbs

Omackeral wrote: »

That's the second time on this thread you've used men's porn searches for "teens" as a defence/excuse/whatever for blokes being with younger women. How do porn searches equate to real life relationships?

They don't, but they do suggest a strong tendency in what a demographic finds sexually attractive. IIRC "Teen" is the most searched word in porn, so that would suggest that those women - most who are in their early 20's - are the type of women that turn men on the most. That said and again IIRC "MILF" is the next most searched for word. Though as I've noted before some porn actresses have appeared in both "teen" and "milf" categories around the same time.

I'd say the biggest takeaway from porn is that men have a far wider range of what they find physically attractive than many women think and certainly a far wider range than the beauty/fashion industry would have us believe. EG fatter women all the way up to morbidly obese is a porn "thing", catwalk skinny is not.

But yeah "men like the look of women in their twenties". In other news water is wet.

Ann_Landers

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No stonewalling, just genuinely done with the topic. I was last night actually but decided to answer one last post. Which was a mistake apparently.

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Ann_Landers

....... wrote: »

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Nah. Bye! o/

Permabear

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seenitall

The thread topic may as well be "do the relationships with the economic gap last?" or "do the interracial relationships last?" or do the relationships with any other obvious imbalance last. The truth is, until we see some stats, where they are numerically compared to the lifespans of close-in-age relationships, it is all personal anecdotes and conjencture.

(And going by those, yes, some do last, however not like we didn't know that already...)

FWIW, I remember reading somewhere a few years ago that the most successful hetero relationships had the man older by 5 years, and more intelligent by, eh, whatever the IQ point it was, but, somewhat more intelligent than the woman anyway.

Funnily enough, I would see a lot of confirmation for that in the happy, lasting relationships around me. The men a bit older than the women (on average), and generally more intelligent (going by my perception), where it leads into a slightly dominant-submissive dynamic - but only slightly so, nothing alarming or anything - with both people happy with that.

(I do know some others, where the ages/ intelligence levels/social and educational backgrounds are about equal, and the woman is the one "wearing the pants", so to speak, and they are happy and lasting as well, they just seem to be a bit thinner on the ground.)

Each to their own. Life is a fleeting affair, grab some happiness where ya can, and hope that it lasts. What else is there?

Bambi985

when I was 18, 25 sounded old. 30 was positively ancient like, and 40 was Dad territory, most of his mates were around that age. Dating one of them or any of their peers would certainly have been disturbing to even think about and I can't think of what or how that would've come about without a serious breach of trust on his end. In other words I would've been taken advantage of. And that's as someone who was relatively mature by that age, living independently, studying on the other side of the country.

Now granted, that's obviously not the experience of many of the folks in age-gap relationships mentioned on this thread, but by and large that's the experience of the masses, hence the "ick" described here and clearly experienced by those couples in real life too. It feels imbalanced and unsettling. Having a sexually attractive feminine body at 18 that's "of legal age" in no way means you're an adult with the maturity for a sexual relationship with someone more than twice your age or many other facets of adulthood that I as a 31 year old am equipped to handle.

Wibbs

Permabear wrote: »

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I certainly can. More on the lines of what I wrote earlier; "where the couple are closer together in everything but their age. IE a couple with the same basic intelligence, education, social background and physical attractiveness".

seenitall wrote: »

FWIW, I remember reading somewhere a few years ago that the most successful hetero relationships had the man older by 5 years, and more intelligent by, eh, whatever the IQ point it was, but, somewhat more intelligent than the woman anyway.

Funnily enough, I would see a lot of confirmation for that in the happy, lasting relationships around me. The men a bit older than the women (on average), and generally more intelligent (going by my perception), where it leads into a slightly dominant-submissive dynamic - but only slightly so, nothing alarming or anything - with both people happy with that.

(I do know some others, where the ages/ intelligence levels/social and educational backgrounds are about equal, and the woman is the one "wearing the pants", so to speak, and they are happy and lasting as well, they just seem to be a bit thinner on the ground.)

I'd agree with all that. Though I've found the last dynamic a little more common than your experience.

Each to their own. Life is a fleeting affair, grab some happiness where ya can, and hope that it lasts. What else is there?

This pretty much. Plus I have found that were an imbalance in the dynamic exists beyond a certain point, regardless of the kind of imbalance, the relationship won't last anyway.

Wibbs

Bambi985 wrote: »

when I was 18, 25 sounded old. 30 was positively ancient like, and 40 was Dad territory, most of his mates were around that age. Dating one of them or any of their peers would certainly have been disturbing to even think about and I can't think of what or how that would've come about without a serious breach of trust on his end. In other words I would've been taken advantage of. And that's as someone who was relatively mature by that age, living independently, studying on the other side of the country.

Now granted, that's obviously not the experience of many of the folks in age-gap relationships mentioned on this thread, but by and large that's the experience of the masses, hence the "ick" described here and clearly experienced by those couples in real life too. It feels imbalanced and unsettling. Having a sexually attractive feminine body at 18 that's "of legal age" in no way means you're an adult with the maturity for a sexual relationship with someone more than twice your age or many other facets of adulthood that I as a 31 year old am equipped to handle.

Oh I would agree quite a bit with the above. Thinking back when I was 18-20 I knew a few women my age who had older boyfriends. With some if not most it was a "phase" thing and all ended up with men around their ages(within five years anyway). I knew a couple of men who were similar who went for older women for a time(that seems more common now though). The gap was more like ten years or less, 20 going out with 30 kinda thing. Not into "daddy" territory.

Of the women I knew who consistently went for older men and with bigger age gaps, in every single case they had what is simplistically termed "daddy issues". Again with most this was a phase too and they ended up in more average relationships later on. I can only recall one who didn't and kept going for men that would be her (absent)fathers age well into her 30's. The last time we talked she was on the road to marrying one. That said she was pretty content in these relationships. Often more so than her peers, so who knows?

As Seenitall said; "Each to their own. Life is a fleeting affair, grab some happiness where ya can, and hope that it lasts."

Pac1Man

Permabear wrote: »

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Yes of course but 26 years is a generation especially given that the girl was so young when they met.

That was my original point. It depends at what stage of life the couple is at.

Permabear

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Permabear

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Pac1Man

I wouldn't say 'so hung up'. It won't ruin my week thinking about it.

Twenty six years though when she was 21.

You're right, I'm sure they're together for all the right reasons.

Permabear

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Pac1Man

Permabear wrote: »

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Of course I'm judging. There's nothing wrong with that. We do it everyday. I'm not doing it to their faces though (nor would I as it's none of my business) and therein lies the difference. They can go about their day in perfect bliss while I keep my thoughts to myself.

[Deleted User]

Permabear wrote: »

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At 40 you hooked up with an 18 year old single mum.

Can you conceive that it's quite likely one of ye is taking advantage without the other being aware of it?

Permabear

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Permabear

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daithi7

Wibbs wrote: »

Man we ended up with Freud? OK... Seems all pretty obvious to me that men will - all things being equal and at the primal level - find attractive and seek out women who are as fertile as possible. Women's fertility window is narrower than men's and the basics of what men see as physically "beautiful" are pretty much all fertility and age related and transcend culture and geography.
.....
There is another element I'd reckon. That is women are near constantly bombarded with advertising and social pressure to be "young and beautiful", certainly much more than men. So seeing older men going for much younger, maybe(if not usually) less accomplished women just by virtue of their more recent birthday would be irritating.....

This excellent post above sums up my views on this topic really.

Also I get that women who are educated, accomplished etc, etc but say in their mid to late 30s, can resent seeing a similarly elegible guy dating a 23 year old say. That probably doesn't seem 'fair' and hence a lot of the more hysterical reaction around here to big age gaps in relationships.

For me also, age gaps matter less as you mature, e.g. I see a huge difference between a 47 year old guy dating a 27 year old say, than a 38 year old guy dating an 18year old, say.

Lastly, I think I also read that the best age gap for long lasting relationships is about 7-8 years, with the man being slightly more intelligent and earning a little more iirc. But as to how significant these characteristics are for the relationship might be, I can't remember e.g. maybe they only make a 5% difference in the durability of a relationship.

So failing all else I'm reverting to the advice I once received from a wise man
"your ideal female partner should be half your age plus 7 years"

That sounds good to me anyway

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professore

seenitall wrote: »

The thread topic may as well be "do the relationships with the economic gap last?" or "do the interracial relationships last?" or do the relationships with any other obvious imbalance last. The truth is, until we see some stats, where they are numerically compared to the lifespans of close-in-age relationships, it is all personal anecdotes and conjencture.

(And going by those, yes, some do last, however not like we didn't know that already...)

FWIW, I remember reading somewhere a few years ago that the most successful hetero relationships had the man older by 5 years, and more intelligent by, eh, whatever the IQ point it was, but, somewhat more intelligent than the woman anyway.

Funnily enough, I would see a lot of confirmation for that in the happy, lasting relationships around me. The men a bit older than the women (on average), and generally more intelligent (going by my perception), where it leads into a slightly dominant-submissive dynamic - but only slightly so, nothing alarming or anything - with both people happy with that.

(I do know some others, where the ages/ intelligence levels/social and educational backgrounds are about equal, and the woman is the one "wearing the pants", so to speak, and they are happy and lasting as well, they just seem to be a bit thinner on the ground.)

Each to their own. Life is a fleeting affair, grab some happiness where ya can, and hope that it lasts. What else is there?

I think some people have this obsession with "being the boss" in a relationship - if they can find someone who is happy with that then it can work. Not for me though, I like a good argument !!!!

Wibbs

....... wrote: »

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Indeed. That tends to get in the way of the little white lies we tend to tell ourselves about relationships and love(inc people in such unusual arrangements) and that's a sure fire trigger for reactions.

But it is what it is. I mean let's face it if I was an old fart wealthy rock star I'm unlikely to be tupping ladies my age and they'd also be going in eyes and legs wide open at the advantages being with me would bring. Especially if there were any issue from the arrangement. Look at oulfella Mick Jagger. New girlfriend half his age gets up the duff in double quick time, no doubt "by mistake". Sit back and live the lifestyle and reflected social standing while receiving the monthly checks as another mammy in his dynasty. As I say it is what it is and fair play to her. If anything it's often the dopey men who are being led on by their mickeys and egos. Mind you Mick can well afford it and he's careful enough to rent rather than buy by not marrying them.

daithi7 wrote:

Also I get that women who are educated, accomplished etc, etc but say in their mid to late 30s, can resent seeing a similarly elegible guy dating a 23 year old say. That probably doesn't seem 'fair' and hence a lot of the more hysterical reaction around here to big age gaps in relationships.

There's an element to that alright. Any time I got static over age gap scenarios(which wasn't that big, all under 15 years diff), it was exclusively from women I/we knew. Not all, even most women I knew of course, but what static came was from women my age or older. Including the usual line "couldn't you find a woman your own age". My answer to that direct attack, was to look them up and down and ask "why the hell would I?". And that was the end of that.

Permabear

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[Deleted User]

Permabear wrote: »

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In two years of being together ye had two kids together?
Met when she was 18, she had a kid. Two years on ye have two more and the kid you had already?

Each to their own but sounds well cracked to me.