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Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

over thinker

Hi,
Long one here bear with me..
Me and girlfriend have been together for nearly 8 years. We started going out when I was 20 and she was 16. It's been a great relationship for the most part and we have been living together for 2 years now.
About 3 years she had attempted to go on a break from me. She was only 20 at the time and felt she needed space alone as we had been together since she was very young. I could barely cope and broke down and she decided to stay based of my reaction. A similar situation happened a few weeks later.
A few months after this I came with the ridiculous plan to try and get engaged. I basically thought by doing this I would somehow protect the relationship and save it. She realised what I was doing on holiday and in a nice way told me how she wasn't ready for something like that (obviously after wanting a break a few months earlier!). The Summer came then and 4 months later we were getting on well and we moved in together. Since then things have been great and she openly talks about how she wants to spend the rest of our lives together and its definitely what I would like too in a couple of years.
Now for the **** part. A friend told me 2 and a half years ago that he heard my GF had been seen kissing a couple of guys at different times in the town we are from (small town mentality kind of place). That night I confronted her about it and she broke down and admitted the truth. At the time when she wanted to go on a break she had kissed a couple of guys while drunk. After the proposal attempt it happened 3 more times that Summer. Her head was justifiably all over the place at the time and she obviously needed to be on her own then but I was so angry. She had decided before we moved in together that she was happy to spend her life with me and left those drunken mistakes behind her. She hadn't told me what had happened when it did as she had seen how I had reacted to going on a break before and couldn't do it to me.
She is an amazing person she really is and if I had given her space I don't think any of this would be an issue, but I struggle so much even all these years later thinking about it or ruminating on it. Completely hypocritically I have made similar lapses (drunk kisses) and she would not waste 2 seconds forgiving me.
No relationships really make it from the ages we started going out (especially in her case) and she deservedly needed space at the age she was, so why am I struggling so much here.
Do people agree it's an extremely forgivable situation ? Thanks for any advice I really appreciate it.

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Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, I think the best thing you could do for both of you at this stage is end it. It doesn't sound like there's a single healthy dynamic in this entire relationship.

For what it's worth, when I was 16 I started going out with a 22 year old. It lasted three years and it was only when I finally ended it that I truly saw how much the age difference affected us. There was a a huge power (and I don't use that word lightly) imbalance in the relationship and I was one of the strongest, most self-confident teens I knew. Your girlfriend didn't even have that going into the relationship.

I think you need to put this out of its misery now. You seem to know yourself on some level that this is not a healthy relationship and probably never was.

over thinker

Dial Hard wrote: »

Honestly, OP, I think the best thing you could do for both of you at this stage is end it. It doesn't sound like there's a single healthy dynamic in this entire relationship.

For what it's worth, when I was 16 I started going out with a 22 year old. It lasted three years and it was only when I finally ended it that I truly saw how much of the age difference affected us. There was a a huge power (and I don't use that word lightly) imbalance in the relationship and I was one of the strongest, most self-confident teens I knew. Your girlfriend didn't even have that going into the relationship.

I think you need to put this out of its misery now. You seem to know yourself on some level that this is not a healthy relationship and probably never was.

Thanks. I guess I did know back when all this happened it wasn't healthy and we should have taken a break then but I wasnt strong enough to let it happen, or mature enough.

The thing is it is now. It is great now in everything but my mindset. We have great families that love us both as thier own, we get on amazing we really do, we want all the same things for the future, we live together and its great, we have learnt alot of life lessons together even though I still struggle with it at times.
I dont think that constitutes a relationship that has nothing going for it, in fact its one IMO with a lot going for it. The problem here is now me, no one else. If I can get through that then our future could be amazing.

Conor Bourke

over thinker wrote: »

I kissed a couple of girls after I found out. They were when I was drunk also. I could easily have once before I found out also but the way the night progressed it just didn't happen thankfully, but I can completely relate to how it would happen. I was all over the place mentally after I found out. I didn't tell for reasons mentioned previously.

No, I never called her those names, I'm not a complete prick, I do genuinely love her, I just am overcome with this and am trying to make myself better to save this before I **** it away and regret it for the rest of my life.

The reason you mentioned previously is one of the most cowardly, self-serving and disrespectful things I've read in a while. You "know" she'd forgive you so you don't think there would be anything to gain by telling her?

There'd be nothing to gain for you but once again you're demonstrating a lack of respect for her autonomy. You don't get to make that decision for her. You're not being honest to yourself or to her, that is not what happens in a perfect relationship.

JaMarcusHustle

OP, you're throwing around the phrase "while drunk" like it's a get out of jail free card. Why do you think that's acceptable, for either of you?

If someone cheated on me, how much alcohol they'd consumed wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

over thinker

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

The reason you mentioned previously is one of the most cowardly, self-serving and disrespectful things I've read in a while. You "know" she'd forgive you so you don't think there would be anything to gain by telling her?

There'd be nothing to gain for you but once again you're demonstrating a lack of respect for her autonomy. You don't get to make that decision for her. You're not being honest to yourself or to her, that is not what happens in a perfect relationship.

I understand where you are coming from, but I think telling her would absolve my guilt more than just benefit her. It was after she did stuff and I am aware of the fact she would see it as justified based on how I reacted to her cheating.

She thinks we have moved on this, I dont want to set her back thinking I am still ruminating the whole time. She wants us, as hard it is for you to believe this, she is very happy being with me. IMO dragging stuff back up between could destroy her as it was hard as it was to move past this in the 1st place.

over thinker

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

OP, you're throwing around the phrase "while drunk" like it's a get out of jail free card. Why do you think that's acceptable, for either of you?

If someone cheated on me, how much alcohol they'd consumed wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

Its not a jail free card, purely more of an added reason it occurred in the first place. Im place alot more importnace on the fact she was young, wanted a break, marriage proposal etc

JaMarcusHustle

over thinker wrote:

Its not a jail free card, purely more of an added reason it occurred in the first place. Im place alot more importnace on the fact she was young, wanted a break, marriage proposal etc

And what about you?

You weren't young. You didn't want a break. You wanted the marriage proposal.

Is being drunk your only excuse? Or was it a case of "she cheated on me, now I get to cheat".

A word of advice - when drunk, people rarely do things they wouldn't do when sober. They mostly do things they want to do when sober but don't have the balls/courage to.

over thinker

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

And what about you?

You weren't young. You didn't want a break. You wanted the marriage proposal.

Is being drunk your only excuse? Or was it a case of "she cheated on me, now I get to cheat".

A word of advice - when drunk, people rarely do things they wouldn't do when sober. They mostly do things they want to do when sober but don't have the balls/courage to.

My excuse is I reacted based on what happened. Im not proud of it but I was devastated at the time and ****ed up.

Rekop dog

Weird thread, you've been so busy defending the other stuff your actual issue hasn't been touched on much.

You don't really fully trust her still do you? Seems that way if you can't move past her fairly understandable lapses at a time she wanted a break. Can you fully relax when she's out on her own with friends or do you worry what she gets up to? The fact she never came clean over that stuff make you worry she's easily able to keep these sort of secrets? I mean be honest with your answers because if you're going through constant mania in your head with regards to this stuff it's really not healthy for you or her. What's stopping you moving past this?

Conor Bourke

over thinker wrote: »

I understand where you are coming from, but I think telling her would absolve my guilt more than just benefit her. It was after she did stuff and I am aware of the fact she would see it as justified based on how I reacted to her cheating.

She thinks we have moved on this, I dont want to set her back thinking I am still ruminating the whole time. She wants us, as hard it is for you to believe this, she is very happy being with me. IMO dragging stuff back up between could destroy her as it was hard as it was to move past this in the 1st place.

Sorry, but I don't buy this. It's self-serving BS. You mentioned wanting to make yourself better then fine. Do it. Be honest, level the playing field. Tell her the truth, get it all out in the open. You don't trust her and I think you're projecting a lot of your insecurities onto her and punishing her while dismissing your own actions.

over thinker

Rekop dog wrote: »

Weird thread, you've been so busy defending the other stuff your actual issue hasn't been touched on much.

You don't really fully trust her still do you? Seems that way if you can't move past her fairly understandable lapses at a time she wanted a break. Can you fully relax when she's out on her own with friends or do you worry what she gets up to? The fact she never came clean over that stuff make you worry she's easily able to keep these sort of secrets? I mean be honest with your answers because if you're going through constant mania in your head with regards to this stuff it's really not healthy for you or her. What's stopping you moving past this?

Thanks Rekop.

I actually trust her completely now. I do deep down believe the reasons for it happening and when I'm in a sane mind I have no worries and feel like we are moving on brilliantly.

I think the main reason I can think of that I don't move on is most of all I'm a stubborn idiot who's ego is driving him and not letting me let the past be.

In therapy my therapist has explored other places my might have developed trust issues, as he is sure I have forgiven my GF but that there's something else driving this pain and obsession with what happened.

I just really want to move on and live the life we deserve. To be honest this thread is really helping so that and put things into perspective. Time to live life to its fullest with an amazing woman I'm lucky to have by my side.

Conor Bourke

over thinker wrote: »

I just really want to move on and live the life we deserve. To be honest this thread is really helping so that and put things into perspective. Time to live life to its fullest with an amazing woman I'm lucky to have by my side.

This thread has been a waste of contribution for the posters who've replied. I don't know why you started it as you're absolutely dead set on ignoring every shred of advice you're being given. You've not demonstrated any sign of gaining perspective at all.

By all means keep your head in the sand and keep telling yourself you're in the perfect relationship. You're fooling only yourself.

Rekop dog

over thinker wrote: »

Thanks Rekop.

I actually trust her completely now. I do deep down believe the reasons for it happening and when I'm in a sane mind I have no worries and feel like we are moving on brilliantly.

I think the main reason I can think of that I don't move on is most of all I'm a stubborn idiot who's ego is driving him and not letting me let the past be.

Well tbh it's hard to believe in the 5 hours since you started this thread all your insecurities have been put to bed and the fairly big issue that made you write it in the first place had been dealt with. What I'm guessing is you go through waves of highs/lows in your head where sometimes everything is fine but other times self doubt and insecurity struggles take over.

But I get it, all your emotions are fairly human and relatable in this thread. Being cheated on is a great leveler in terms of denting your ego, making you question everything, going through periods thinking "how could she" and then "was it me" and so on. But it's been a long time since she did this and you're still troubled by it which would be my main worry, that's severe pressure on your mental health over a prolonged spell. I'm not sure anything but ending it and working on yourself will solve this tbh.

Penny Tration

It's great that you trust your girlfriend now, but can she trust you?

Because to be totally blunt, you've painted yourself as a cheating, lying, possessive man who chose to date a child so as to control them more easily, who lost the plot and punished the girl when she didn't conform.

Sounds to me that you need a new therapist, one who doesn't blithely accept the lies and excuses you spout.

over thinker

I'm aware of my flaws and insecurities. I posted to gain some perspective and see if anyone could relate.
I'm sorry I pissed some people off but I'm a good person under this and I know I need to make some HUGE changes to be the man I need to be here.
I'm not chucking away what we have when I am aware I'm the one at fault and through developing myself and taking care of my relationship with my OH hopefully I can turn my mindset around and be the best I need to be.

Conor Bourke

over thinker wrote: »

I'm aware of my flaws and insecurities. I posted to gain some perspective and see if anyone could relate.
I'm sorry I pissed some people off but I'm a good person under this and I know I need to make some HUGE changes to be the man I need to be here.
I'm not chucking away what we have when I am aware in the one at fault and through developing myself and taking care of my relationship with my OH

You keep posting these grandiose statements that lack any substance though. What exactly are these HUGE changes you're going to make? How are you developing yourself? By going to a counsellor who sounds like they're giving you very poor guidance (or else you're twisting what you've been told to suit your narrative?)

You've said already that you won't make the one main change you need to make- you're only going to make changes that suit you by the sounds of things.

over thinker

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You keep posting these grandiose statements that lack any substance though. What exactly are these HUGE changes you're going to make? How are you developing yourself? By going to a counsellor who sounds like they're giving you very poor guidance (or else you're twisting what you've been told to suit your narrative?)

You've said already that you won't make the one main change you need to make- you're only going to make changes that suit you by the sounds of things.

If the one change you think I need to make is leaving this relationship then no I won't be doing that.
I would rather at least try and change first.

Penny Tration

over thinker wrote: »

If the one change you think I need to make is leaving this relationship then no I won't be doing that.
I would rather at least try and change first.

One change everyone has suggested is being honest - doesn't she deserve that?

You keep saying you know she'll forgive you so what's the point in upsetting her. Don't you see that's you being controlling again?
You're deciding that YOU know best, YOU know what's good for her, and she has no say in whether or not you're honest with her - you've taken away her right to know the truth about the person she's chosen to be with.

over thinker

over thinker wrote: »

If the one change you think I need to make is leaving this relationship then no I won't be doing that.
I would rather at least try and change first.

And obviously telling her of my shortcomings is something I will explore also

Phoenix Wright

Tilikum wrote:

At 20 yrs of age I wouldn't be going near a 16yr old.

Genuine question, is that even legal?

Dial Hard

Phoenix Wright wrote:

Genuine question, is that even legal?

Of course, as long as they don't have sex before she turns 17.

Whether it's advisable is another matter. Based on this thread and my own experience, I know what my opinion is.

Conor Bourke

over thinker wrote: »

If the one change you think I need to make is leaving this relationship then no I won't be doing that.
I would rather at least try and change first.

No, the change that everyone is suggesting is that you tell her the truth, that you cheated.

What changes do you propose to make?

over thinker

This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm pretty impulsive and I decided to tell her. Not only what I did but also I wanted to take a lot of responsibility for what happened with her and the role I played in her kissing those lads and also how I wished I had given her time to find out who she was when she wanted it.
She took it as she always does amazingly and with maturity I totally lack. She said she decided to leave the past behind along time ago and wherever I had done around that time she said should go there too. She refused to take her asking for a break and my proposal as excuses for her cheating but I said I needed her too and that I truly believe I am also responsible.
For her it seems the present is all that matters and she wants us just to move on and be happy. I don't deserve her, I never did but I feel so much better after that conversation.
It's obviously not a coincidence I feel better after being honest about my faults and actions in all this so thanks for the advice. I know I can sound like a right idiot self centred fool at times but hopefully I can now start moving on a bit better.

Jesus I'm kind off in shock with how mature she is and how she took that.

over thinker

Dial Hard wrote: »

Of course, as long as they don't have sex before she turns 17.

Whether it's advisable is another matter. Based on this thread and my own experience, I know what my opinion is.

We did not have sex til she was nearly 18 FYI!

PressRun

Very peculiar thread. You sound like an extremely possessive man. I hope that girl gets out of this relationship, for her own sake.

Ursus Horribilis

I also wonder are you a mind reader. You seem to know exactly what your girlfriend is thinking and how she feels. You sound horribly controlling, overbearing and possessive. I hope I'm wrong about that, I really do.

Conor Bourke

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I also wonder are you a mind reader. You seem to know exactly what your girlfriend is thinking and how she feels. You sound horribly controlling, overbearing and possessive. I hope I'm wrong about that, I really do.

I agree and wonder if your girlfriend's should response to what you told her is as a result of you conditioning her, knowing the meltdown you had the last time she tried to leave she may be bottling it all up for fear you'd flip it back on her.

Ursus Horribilis

Also, don't be fooled by her initial reaction to what you told her. Once she has time to ruminate on it, she might start thinking very differently.

over thinker

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I also wonder are you a mind reader. You seem to know exactly what your girlfriend is thinking and how she feels. You sound horribly controlling, overbearing and possessive. I hope I'm wrong about that, I really do.

Jesus lads ye are going way over the top here. I couldn't be less controlling or overbearing in our relationship, she has free will to do what she wants I wouldn't dream of over powering her.

I think ye are totally focusing on the fact I did all I could to stop her going on a break with me 2.5 years ago and tried to get engaged then too. That was because I was scared and heartbroken FFS. I was hurting here too I didn't want to lose her.
Sure I know now it was a terrible course of action but I don't sit around controlling her every movement, trust me she would walk out the door.

Is it that hard for ye to believe she is actually happy with me? Think I have been staked to the cross a bit here, a lot because I have opened up on how stupid and clueless I was during all this and inconsiderate of her feeling.

She's no idiot and any doubts she had she would act on now. Anyway I'm not to change any of yours minds but amazingly this could actually work out, and for us I hope it will

peckerhead

Well, judging from several of your comments here you seem fairly convinced that you 'know' what she feels, thinks, would feel or think and has felt or thought in the past. I suspect that nothing anyone has said here will change that, so let's hope you're right...:rolleyes: