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why do you want/are you in a relationship?

blacksheep1982

What about your relationship makes you happy to have it and if you're looking, what is it about one that makes you want it?

Aside from sex and someone to attend events with, what do/would you love about it?

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SimpleDimples

I'm single but would like a relationship again but not just one for the sake of one. I've had great relationships in the past (both 4 yrs) and while they didn't work out in the end, there's something lovely about spending time with someone who gets you and who brings out the best in you, someone who is there to share the good times and the bad. The affection, attraction and general good feeling that goes with it. If it happens again, great, if not, I'll be fine on my own too.

As I've got older though, I've definitely become clearer on what I do/don't want out of life and a relationship. Unfortunately I have seen too many friends "panic buy" in their 30s because they hated being single/thought time was running out or wanted kids - most of them are now unhappy so I'd rather be single for as long as it takes to meet someone that matters & is right for me! It'll happen when & if it's meant too :-)

professore

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I'd disagree completely with that. Any good relationship involves a healthy degree of give and take. In my relationship, sometimes the focus is more on her needs, and sometimes it's more on mine, but the pendulum always swings back eventually. Over time, it all evens out.

Neither of us wants to be in a relationship that's all about one person, where the other partner becomes a compliant doormat. I enjoy doing things for her that make her life easier, happier, and more pleasant, and she does the same for me.

We try to discuss problems without arguments, hostility, or drama. We do it in private (never in front of the children) and try to do it in an atmosphere of caring and understanding (such as sitting on the sofa together holding hands). Never once in our 2+ years together has one of us raised our voice to the other. It's so much easier to reach compromise through quiet discussion.

We are not perfect by any means, but I think your claim that a relationship either has to be 100% about one person or riddled with arguments and drama is far off-base.[/quote]

That wasn't my point. It was that some people regard any deviation from what they want as drama.

notsoyoungwan

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Am v interested in why people remain single for v long spells. Would you have been in any relationships in the past?
Some good things about being single for sure but for me having a bit of affection easily trumps that.

I'm almost 38, am single and intend staying that way.

I've had relationships in the past- one for more than 5 years, and two that were 12-18 months. I've obviously had short-term flings too.

I've experienced a great relationship, a good one and a toxic and abusuve one.

There's no doubt that I have loved and been loved.

But, notwithstanding all that, a long term committed relationship just isn't for me.

My lifestyle is such that I don't have the time or headspace for one anyway, but even if I did, it wouldn't be for me. I don't like the lack of freedom, loss of independence, the idea of sharing my living-space, having less privacy than I do now etc. I value my own space, my peace& quiet, not having to engage with someone in the evenings if I don't want to, not having to take someone else's plans/wants/schedule etc into consideration, I like just being independent abd doing my own thing.

Now, I'm well aware people will jump on my post and say that their relationship hasn't resulted in any of those things, and that's great if it's the case, but for me there is nothing a relationship could bring me that would outweigh what I perceive as negatives.

I have a varied social life, have great friends, a (mostly) great family, I have a job that I love. I'm not short of laughter, love, affection or sex.

As far as I'm concerned, I've the best of both worlds by just having short term flings/casual dating scenarios rather than a serious relationship

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Cutie 3.14

Its someone who takes one look at my terrible cooking and still eats it, without flinching and says "it's lovely"
I'll accidentally poison him some of these days

Lady is a tramp

Bambi985 wrote: »

It's really nice to have someone waiting for you at Arrivals in the airport.

I was single for years and years and that was always the thing that got to me. Not in any sort of melodramatic way, but it was where I felt most single. Most on my own. Seeing couples fall into each other's arms around me as I walked through and out the door to find a bus/train to take me to my next stop.

I've been in Brussels, Vienna and next stop Stuttgart all this week, but what I'm most looking forward to next is walking into arrivals in Heathrow on Monday night and seeing his lovely familiar face smiling at me in that secret way that he smiles at me and his big brown eyes sparkling and thinking "there he is" and getting a big bear hug and knowing that I'm home and can finally relax.

I swear the more I read this thread, the more I realise I'm practically in a relationship with my aforementioned best friend.

I was leaving her to the airport today for her holidays and she told me she's already looking forward to coming home in two weeks just because she knows I'll be waiting there at Arrivals for her with a massive hug! It's nice to be someone's favourite person.

[Deleted User]

Ezequiel Thousands Waterworks wrote: »

I'm just not interested in relationships at all. I don't want to share my life with anyone. It just doesn't interest me. I don't see anything about a relationship as being desirable other than the economic benefits and that certainly would not outweigh what I would consider the negatives, so no.

Am v interested in why people remain single for v long spells. Would you have been in any relationships in the past?
Some good things about being single for sure but for me having a bit of affection easily trumps that.

r93kaey5p2izun

I'm just not interested in relationships at all. I don't want to share my life with anyone. It just doesn't interest me. I don't see anything about a relationship as being desirable other than the economic benefits and that certainly would not outweigh what I would consider the negatives, so no.

Bambi985

professore wrote: »

You mean if one partner lets the other have their way 100% of the time. Those are dramaless relationships. Any other type involves arguments and "drama".

I think you get a bit used to and also protective of your single status when you've been that way for a while. I know I certainly did. My experience of relationships had been both lacking in any significant way but also negative with the flings and short-term things I'd had, so that coloured my opinion of them in a general sense.

It's been quite humbling to have met himself, who drives me daft as much as any other emotion he provokes in me, but who made me realise it's not all about me, sometimes it's necessary to put someone else's feelings before my own and I can't always do as I please and fcuk the rest of it. I'd probably done that for most of my life before him.

The pay-off is having someone you love and have decided to commit to, love you and commit themselves to you right back in equal measure. Simple as that really. Sometimes it's hard and uncomfortable and you want to walk away because you're not used to be challenged to share your life in that way and to do things you don't want to do because 'why should I' blah blah blah. But you grow a hell of a lot emotionally and learn about the art of compromise in those little moments for a bigger long-term gain. That's what relationships are when it comes down to it.

indioblack

gifted wrote: »

I'm sitting in a car outside a hair dressers waiting for herself......on a Saturday morning....just saying like.....

All ye single blokes get what I'm saying to ye.........hold onto your single life as long as you can lol.lol.........coming Dear.....lol

Good post. Unless your OH is an old dragon it could be worse.
You could be sitting in your car on a Saturday morning waiting for.......

eviltwin

My relationship is about sharing life with my best friend. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather go spend it with. Its about having someone I can be there for and who is there for me. Its having someone who gets me and lets me be myself. Its about having someone to share the pressure and responsibility and the fun times and laughs with. Its about having someone around who just makes life better because he's there.

[Deleted User]

professore wrote: »

You mean if one partner lets the other have their way 100% of the time. Those are dramaless relationships. Any other type involves arguments and "drama".

No, that's not what I mean. I think you'd read that into most observations, since you're determined to see relationships as restrictive emotional and physical strait-jackets designed to benefit only one party.

I gain a huge amount of positive benefit from my relationship, and he's the first to say exactly the same. It's a two way street, and that involves compromise. Sometimes I don't put my personal happiness first, and sometimes he doesn't. It evens out, as it should.

osarusan

Just like last year, my wife and kids went off to Japan for about 7 weeks over the summer.

Just like last year, I was looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet and free time for myself.

Just like last year, after 4 days, I'm bored out of my mind.

whoopsadoodles

professore wrote: »

Let me guess ... new relationship?

Conor has been with his wife for over 20 years as far as I remember

professore

Candie wrote: »

I think - and I'm not saying this applies to Mr Vain - sometimes when people talk about drama they really mean expectation. If someone expects a partner to go with them to a family event, and that partner hates family events, then they call it drama because they don't want to do something that's important to their OH.

I've noticed this a few times with people, and the less flexible a person is the more likely they are to label normal give and take 'drama'.

Obviously there's actual drama where mountains are made of molehills, but I think an expectation differential accounts for a lot of what people term it.

You mean if one partner lets the other have their way 100% of the time. Those are dramaless relationships. Any other type involves arguments and "drama".

professore

Deleted User wrote: »

Having someone both beautiful and intelligent behind you in almost everything you do in life, saying "you're right, you can do no wrong" is very self affirming.

Unless you're actually wrong, in which case having someone both beautiful and intelligent to gently say "you got that wrong" is very helpful.

They promote and support our best tendencies and when we get it right, and gently haul us back when we get it wrong. What could be better?

Let me guess ... new relationship?

gifted

I'm sitting in a car outside a hair dressers waiting for herself......on a Saturday morning....just saying like.....

All ye single blokes get what I'm saying to ye.........hold onto your single life as long as you can lol.lol.........coming Dear.....lol

Bambi985

It's really nice to have someone waiting for you at Arrivals in the airport.

I was single for years and years and that was always the thing that got to me. Not in any sort of melodramatic way, but it was where I felt most single. Most on my own. Seeing couples fall into each other's arms around me as I walked through and out the door to find a bus/train to take me to my next stop.

I've been in Brussels, Vienna and next stop Stuttgart all this week, but what I'm most looking forward to next is walking into arrivals in Heathrow on Monday night and seeing his lovely familiar face smiling at me in that secret way that he smiles at me and his big brown eyes sparkling and thinking "there he is" and getting a big bear hug and knowing that I'm home and can finally relax.

Mr.Plough

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I'm getting to a point where I'm actually totally happy and comfortable being single forever

I'm of the opinion that when you reach this point, that's when you'll end up in the relationship that you actually want to be in. Like attracts like.

As for me I've been in a few relationships that were destined to fail, mostly because I was insecure at the time and attracted insecure women. All turned codependent or toxic in one way or another. One of them very nearly stuck and I'm so glad it didn't, as I'm sure she is also.

Long term I do want a relationship for all the reasons talked about in this thread, just not right now.

Donald Trump

greencap wrote: »

Tell me of this epiphany brutha??

seachto7 wrote: »

curious... do tell...

A quick google search will tell you:

Oxford English Dictionary wrote:

epiphany: noun. The return of common sense to the working of a mans brain. Usually occurs at the instant of ejaculation.

Donald Trump

lazybones32 wrote: »

Don't need to be in a relationship: had an epiphany one night while in bed chatting with the last woman I loved.

Am quite happy to be a bachelor and wouldn't like to change it.....That said, the sunny weather today, and the way women dress when it's sunny, makes me briefly question my choice.

Ah that's where you went wrong. Amateur mistake. Less of the chatting and more of the riding and you'd probably still be with her

[Deleted User]

Burial. wrote: »

Wouldn't be one for relationships tbh, I quite like the freedom and thrill of being single. I quite like going from person to person as I feel you get to experience the best of them and you remember that and not the inevitable arguing down the line which sours your impression of someone. I absolutely hate drama and have a zero tolerance to it which makes me awful boyfriend material I'd imagine. I'm well able to argue but having to make up and be lovey dovey again is not my style. I guess some people like that stability and security of a partner which makes sense but from a bird's eye view I see far too many couples restricted and confined to the same old thing.

I think this is the post that most closely reflects my own opinion.

I find myself getting tired of relationships after a few weeks or a couple of months, when the exciting bit of getting to know someone fizzles out, and you both make slightly less effort.

If I ever do get married, which I don't really want to, my ideal situation would be for both of us to agree to a marriage-term of say, ten years, and then review the situation.

I don't believe in lifelong vows, because whilst I am never the perfect boyfriend, I think it's an unrealistic and unfair restriction to put upon anybody. I think marriage-term should be agreed between a couple, at maximum, as the period of time where your kids are in late-adolescence (with an exceptional circumstances 'breakout clause', of course)

It would be more reasonable and fairer on all concerned.

RoisinClare6

My cup of tea most nights before bed and the ones delivered to me when I wake up on a Saturday/Sunday morning. In turn I get up every morning at 5.30 to make his Coffee and sambos before he heads off to work. I jump back in bed and get a squish before he heads off. He gives me the sour gargamels in every pack of smurf jellys he gets. I take his work boots off when he gets in the door. He'll ring me now in the morning so I won't miss the rugby. Just loads of simple things like that.

Don't get me wrong he can be a pain in the arse, leaves the shower mat on the floor even though he knows the dog will Pee on it if he does, leaves the fecking lights on to name a few but at the end of the day he's my pain in the arse!

Planning on keeping him

zcorpian88

To have companionship, share mutual interests and discover new ones with, to enjoy particular and special moments with like personal achievements, holidays like Valentines day, Christmas, New Years, birthdays. To spoil them and be spoiled. To feel content that you're living your life the way it's supposed to be lived and not in that sort of solitude or isolation that comes with being single example (like being the guy at the table on nights out and all of your friends are couples and being very self conscious of it and you go out anyway for the sake of being social)

To be spend time with them and be intimate without interference from the way the modern world is gone that is far too demanding of people's time and energy.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

[Deleted User]

dottie_lottie wrote: »

Out of interest what constitutes relationship "drama"?

I think - and I'm not saying this applies to Mr Vain - sometimes when people talk about drama they really mean expectation. If someone expects a partner to go with them to a family event, and that partner hates family events, then they call it drama because they don't want to do something that's important to their OH.

I've noticed this a few times with people, and the less flexible a person is the more likely they are to label normal give and take 'drama'.

Obviously there's actual drama where mountains are made of molehills, but I think an expectation differential accounts for a lot of what people term it.

Triceratops Ballet

Mister Vain wrote: »

I want the intimacy of a relationship without any of the drama.

I don't think I've ever known anyone to have a dramatic relationship, unless one was cheating on the other or something. You must know some crazy people! (or you're a teenager, love a bit of drama do the teenagers!!)

Out of interest what constitutes relationship "drama"?

[Deleted User]

Can talk about anything and everything, he's my best friend and biggest fan, and vice versa. It's great to have someone who'll step up for you no matter what, and he knows he can rely on me for the same. We have a lot of fun together, find the same things interesting, connect on multiple levels.

Good relationships can't be compared to bad ones, a good relationship makes a good life a genuinely great one, but a bad one can make you miserable beyond words.

seachto7

lazybones32 wrote: »

Don't need to be in a relationship: had an epiphany one night while in bed chatting with the last woman I loved.

Am quite happy to be a bachelor and wouldn't like to change it.....That said, the sunny weather today, and the way women dress when it's sunny, makes me briefly question my choice.

curious... do tell...

greencap

lazybones32 wrote: »

Don't need to be in a relationship: had an epiphany one night while in bed chatting with the last woman I loved.

Am quite happy to be a bachelor and wouldn't like to change it.....That said, the sunny weather today, and the way women dress when it's sunny, makes me briefly question my choice.

Tell me of this epiphany brutha??