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Girlfriend wants to buy apartment with me, I want to buy on my own.

LegacyUser

I want to buy an apartment. I'm 27, live in a Dublin suburb and the apartment I'm looking at is a 2 bed, on the DART line for less then 200K. I can easily afford this. I'm a web developer with 5 years experience earning a high 5 figure salary. I freelance and add another 2K roughly a month and I flip stuff online earning another nice bit of cash. I plan to add other revenue streams over the next few years, so repayments will be easily managable.

The issue is my GF of 3 months wants to purchase with me. I told her that's not happening. She said that she can chip in with repayments, and I earn enough for the bills so 'she' can easily afford it. The issue is she earns a fairly low wage for Dublin. Less than 20K. Now I'm not going to realistically buy this with her, but I don't want to loose this relationship with the girl.

I work very hard and I'm very ambitious. I'm buying this and I plan to overpay the repayments imeadiately so I can own it out right. I plan to start a web development/digital marketing agency soon, so if we break up, she gets a claim on the apartment will my business is starting up I could be ****ed.

Amy ideas on how to deal with this.o

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Airyfairy12

Its only been 3 months. Is she mad? Tell her no.

Richard Hillman

No chance, absolutely no chance. I would be very suspicious of her motives.

dee_mc

Just keep saying no!
Explain that 3 months in to a relationship is far too early to even move in together, never mind purchase a home together. Tell her you're not ready for that kind of commitment. Theres no need to bring the money thing into it.
The fact that she doesn't realise this looks like a major red flag from where I'm standing!

Mr. Incognito

Tell her to take a hike

If she pays one cent towards it or lives there she will seek to get a claim on it

Thread very carefully

GingerLily

Please don't do it, everything sounds wrong with the situation!

Xterminator

HI OP

if i was you, i would tell her you are purchasing the apt yourself as an investment - eg its going to be your savings fund.

Sounds better than 'hell no!'

x

nkav86

3 months???? She's off her head if she thinks this is reasonable.

Edit: I'd also be very concerned she's assumed you'll be OK with paying the bills while she chips in with the repayments. Madness altogether

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be looking at your girlfriend through different eyes if I was in your shoes. 3 months is no length of a relationship and she has no business putting her oar into your life to this extent. You hardly know her or what she's truly like as a person. Being cynical, you're a godsend to someone on such a low wage. Has she spoken about babies or families yet, seeing as things seem to be zooming along at a very brisk pace?

hytrogen

Xterminator wrote:

if I was you, I would tell her you are purchasing the apt yourself as an investment - eg its going to be your savings fund.

+1 plan to let her have the tripplock allowance any girlfriend is allowed have in a lads domain; spare pair of clean nickers, toothbrush and maybe access to socket for a hairdryer? Take a lodger to keep her off the scent until you're ready to let her stay long-term.
1/2 years in maybe get a set of keys cut and say goodbye to any wardrobe space you had.
You can plan to buy a house together in years to come.
*Note I'm a proprietor, going out nearly 11years and still managed to keep it to a small bag of stuff

leggo

Yeah I wouldn't just be telling her no to the house, I'd be getting rid full stop. She heard your plan and saw an opportunity, either to get a free house off someone with money or that she'd have a claim to half a house if this didn't work out. There's no two ways about this, nobody could think this is a good idea after 3 months. The girl has played her hand, do yourself a favour and find someone who doesn't see you as an investment.

silverharp

You shouldnt be in a rush to move in with her either, go ahead and buy your place but be clear and say you wont consider her moving in any time soon. If you are setting up a new business you need a clear head and having someone move in over the next year would be a distraction.

D0NNELLY

The fact you're posting here says you know the answer already.

Tell her you're not even ready to live together, never mind buying together.

If she's still on the scene in two years, it'll be a different story.

s15r330

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I wouldn't just be telling her no to the house, I'd be getting rid full stop. She heard your plan and saw an opportunity, either to get a free house off someone with money or that she'd have a claim to half a house if this didn't work out. There's no two ways about this, nobody could think this is a good idea after 3 months. The girl has played her hand, do yourself a favour and find someone who doesn't see you as an investment.

This!

I'm just over 2 years with my gf, we got engaged at Christmas and we're only thinking of moving in together now so we're saving for a deposit!
That one is mad, buying a place together after what is only a matter of weeks?!
Give her the boot, she's bad news.

witchgirl26

I was with my OH 3 years when he bought a house by himself because he wanted to and while I'd like to have contributed, it wasn't possible at the time. 3 months in though? Flippin hell! That's a bit mad. I'd be stepping away from that and reinforcing that you want to buy by yourself. If you want to use the line that it means you could potentially use her first time buyer status in the future still, go for it but I think just being honest and saying it's way too soon for that type of commitment should be enough.

Beta Ray Bill

OP

You would be off your rocker to to do that.

Under no circumstances given the current position (Relationship, Finances) should you be buying with her.

Do not do it.
You will regret it forever.

I'd question her motives too.
If she insists, then it's time for her to go.

Big Bag of Chips

WTFtodo wrote: »

I'm not going to realistically buy this with her, but I don't want to loose this relationship with the girl.

I think all you can do is talk to her. Maybe she's not golddigging. Maybe she doesn't have € signs in her eyes! Maybe she's feeling confused and awkward about what if any role she's expected to play. You say you don't want to lose the relationship, maybe she feels the same. Maybe she's offering to help because she thinks to not offer would make it look like she expects you to provide for her?

You don't know unless you have a really frank (and maybe awkward) conversation with her.

Also getting some legal advice regarding if you buy on your own and then later want to add her name to the property wouldn't be a bad idea, for both of you and might make her realise that she doesn't have to get involved in the purchase at this stage but could become involved down the line when you're both in a better position to consider it. It might make her feel less panicked about needing to contribute now.

Vicxas

Cannot agree anymore with what everyone else has said, if you allow her to buy a house with you after 3 months you will seriously regret it.

SozBbz

Hi OP.

You need to nip this in the bud and I think how that goes will tell you a lot about this relationship. I cant help but question either her judgement or her motives in suggesting this.

3 months would be very soon to be moving in together to a rented place, let alone mixing finances.

I have some experience in this area (although not so extreme) in that I own the place where myself and my OH live. I was house hunting before I met him, but between various factors (having one sale agreed fall through and then changing jobs) I didnt offer on the place I ultimately own until we were 18 months together and already living together in rented accommodation. Obviously I could have had a bigger budget if we'd bought together, but it was too soon. We were together 2 years by the time we moved in, but the process of buying starts way before that and back then the relationship was too new to be making a decision thats so hard to reverse.

So now, he pays me "rent" and half the bills and I pay the mortgage. It costs us both about the same, so yes he's contributing but all the same he's still living very cheaply compared to if he was renting alone of even living with others, so its a win win. Ultimately I'll probably sell up in a few years and then buy together, but we plan to be married by then. Property is strange in that its an asset but also your home and can also go up as well as down. Its far too big a decision to be influenced by a 3 month relationship, regardless of how well you think its going right now. You are still in the honeymoon period.

FWIW, unfortunately the property market doesn't wait for anyones relationships so I think you're right to buy now if its otherwise the right decision for you. Like myself, it doesn't sound like a forever home, so you'll probably sell up again in a few years and if this girl is still on the scene, then you'll have built a life together and its then appropriate to make such decisions jointly. If she won't accept this, then you need to be firm with her, and if she still won't accept it, you need to take a hard look at your relationship. She's being totally unreasonable.

GingerLily

If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt I would suggest to her that she keeps all the money she would have put into the mortgage repayments into a savings account and if your still together when you want to trade up properties in a few years you can pool that money together?

But it take's longer then 3 months to close on most sales so it would be incredibly foolish to invest (throw away??) so much financially in your relationship at this stage

Emme

Some couples aren't exclusive after 3 months let alone buying a home together. Fair play to you for being so successful and focused. You should definitely buy on your own and I second the suggestion of getting a lodger in. If she doesn't like it she can take a hike and you'll be well rid, if she's genuine she won't mind.

I'm not being horrible here but I think you're out of this girl's league. I'm single now and have given up looking but when I was younger and dating the guys I dated earned around the same or a little more than me. I don't earn a huge salary and never did. The high earning guys I knew always dated women who earned in or around the same as they did. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes if one partner was studying and the other was working there was a bigger discrepancy in income but that would even out once the partner in college qualified and got a job. Later on one partner might give up work to care for the children but not after they had both worked in jobs that brought in a similar income.

You are only 27 and you should be in no hurry to settle. This girl is probably very attractive and it's understandable you don't want to lose the relationship. But the relationship is only 3 months old. You barely know each other. Focus on getting your apartment sorted and getting your business plans off the ground. Go on a few holidays alone and broaden your horizons. In a few years time when your have fulfilled some of your business plans you would be in a better position to get serious with somebody.

ManOfMystery

At 3 months, your dilemma should be over who is paying for the popcorn at the cinema - not buying a place together.

You sound very driven, ambitious and level-headed. I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but absolutely do not give her a financial foothold in your life this early - things could go tits up very easily even a year in, never mind 3 months. You can soften the blow by telling her (quite honestly) that it's way too early to be mixing business and pleasure.

On a sidenote, I'd worry that she is using your financial stability as a foothold here. 3 months seems an unusually short time for someone to want to purchase a property with a partner.

lmimmfn

From her point of view, paying half the mortgage( half being e.g. ~400 euro per month from 180k mortgage over 30 years ) is a hell of a lot cheaper than renting, and free/no bills, also its an investment. So she would be saving a lot per month( unless she lives at home but that's another story ).

You would be crazy to agree, it would destroy independence for both of you.

Like others have said, say its an investment property, you might rent out a room, and you're too young to know where you will be in a few years time being in IT and easy mobility etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

Bandana Boy, I've deleted your post. Please read the Forum Charter before posting again.

Thanks.

neonsofa

Emme wrote: »

I'm not being horrible here but I think you're out of this girl's league. I'm single now and have given up looking but when I was younger and dating the guys I dated earned around the same or a little more than me. I don't earn a huge salary and never did. The high earning guys I knew always dated women who earned in or around the same as they did. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes if one partner was studying and the other was working there was a bigger discrepancy in income but that would even out once the partner in college qualified and got a job. Later on one partner might give up work to care for the children but not after they had both worked in jobs that brought in a similar income.

.

I've been the higher earner in the majority of my relationships. Some were in stop gap jobs or studying and working towards a qualification in a field that would see them earn significantly more, but some were happy with their career and what they earned. Not once did I think I was "out of their league". One man who I loved dearly was more than likely always going to be on just above minimum wage and I had every intention of being the main provider for the both of us, including using my own savings on a shared home, because out relationship was one of love and respect. I would imagine most people value the person on what they bring to the relationship and not their earnings. Yes money is important but I wouldn't be saying someone is "out of their league" just because they don't have equal earnings, that seems very bizarre to me.

Airyfairy12

Emme wrote: »

I'm not being horrible here but I think you're out of this girl's league. I'm single now and have given up looking but when I was younger and dating the guys I dated earned around the same or a little more than me. I don't earn a huge salary and never did. The high earning guys I knew always dated women who earned in or around the same as they did. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes if one partner was studying and the other was working there was a bigger discrepancy in income but that would even out once the partner in college qualified and got a job. Later on one partner might give up work to care for the children but not after they had both worked in jobs that brought in a similar income.

since when does money or the amount that someone earns determine who they should or shouldnt be dating? I cant imagine ever looking down on anybody with a smaller wage than myself. Anyone who looks down their nose at lower wage earners should really have a good hard look at themselves and sort out their priorities. OP seems very much above such classist ideologies.

Emme

neonsofa wrote: »

I've been the higher earner in the majority of my relationships. Some were in stop gap jobs or studying and working towards a qualification in a field that would see them earn significantly more, but some were happy with their career and what they earned. Not once did I think I was "out of their league". One man who I loved dearly was more than likely always going to be on just above minimum wage and I had every intention of being the main provider for the both of us, including using my own savings on a shared home, because out relationship was one of love and respect. I would imagine most people value the person on what they bring to the relationship and not their earnings. Yes money is important but I wouldn't be saying someone is "out of their league" just because they don't have equal earnings, that seems very bizarre to me.

That should be the way but from what I have seen in my 40 plus years of life my experience of life is different. It has little to do with class and more to do with practicality. People who earn a certain amount are used to a certain standard of living and they may not be willing to compromise on that for a partner who earns less so it's easier all round to have a partner who earns a similar amount. I had similar ideals to you in my 20s and 30s but from what I have seen women are more tolerant of a partner earning less than vice versa. There have been many threads here started by men who aren't happy that their partner (female) earns less. Many women post here because they are broke from trying to contribute 50% into a relationship where their partner earns a lot more. It is the norm that both partners contribute 50% to mortgage, expenses etc and this is easiest if both are earning similar incomes.

One of the reasons I am single is that on my income I can afford to live simply without frills but the men I met in the past have had lifestyles where they went on two expensive holidays a year, had expensive hobbies and wanted a partner who could keep up with all this. I like to pay my way and even though some guys were generous it wasn't going to close the gap in income and expectations.

In the real world income disparity can be an incompatibility for practical reasons more than anything else. The OP should realise this and tread very carefully with the girl he is dating.

neonsofa

Emme wrote: »

That should be the way but from what I have seen in my 40 plus years of life my experience of life is different. It has little to do with class and more to do with practicality. People who earn a certain amount are used to a certain standard of living and they may not be willing to compromise on that for a partner who earns less so it's easier all round to have a partner who earns a similar amount. I had similar ideals to you in my 20s and 30s but from what I have seen women are more tolerant of a partner earning less than vice versa. There have been many threads here started by men who aren't happy that their partner (female) earns less. Many women post here because they are broke from trying to contribute 50% into a relationship where their partner earns a lot more. It is the norm that both partners contribute 50% to mortgage, expenses etc and this is easiest if both are earning similar incomes.

One of the reasons I am single is that on my income I can afford to live simply without frills but the men I met in the past have had lifestyles where they went on two expensive holidays a year, had expensive hobbies and wanted a partner who could keep up with all this. I like to pay my way and even though some guys were generous it wasn't going to close the gap in income and expectations.

In the real world income disparity can be an incompatibility for practical reasons more than anything else. The OP should realise this and tread very carefully with the girl he is dating.

I respectfully disagree. If that's how you view relationships, then fair enough. I view a potential partner based on the hapiness and emotional support they can bring to my life, not how much they can spend on holidays or restaurants.

Finances can absolutely cause issues in relationships, but those issues come down to a lot more than one person being "out of the others league" purely based on how much they earn- a mismatch of expectations would be more at play, in my experience, than the persons income.

Emme

neonsofa wrote: »

I respectfully disagree. If that's how you view relationships, then fair enough. I view a potential partner based on the hapiness and emotional support they can bring to my life, not how much they can spend on holidays or restaurants.

I do too but most men I met were into holidays and lifestyle. I gave up trying to find a down to earth man who was into happiness and emotional support and wasn't obsessed with hobbies.

neonsofa wrote: »

Finances can absolutely cause issues in relationships, but those issues come down to a lot more than one person being "out of the others league" purely based on how much they earn- a mismatch of expectations would be more at play, in my experience, than the persons income.

Perhaps, but income can drive expectations in some cases.

Knex*

Pretty sure you have your answer, OP, so I mainly just want to say congrats on being in a job you seemingly enjoy and are very motivated in, are doing so well, and all whilst only being 27. Fair play.

100% buy this apartment on your own. If she can't understand why, it could well be argued that she's not not the woman for you.

robindch

WTFtodo wrote: »

The issue is my GF of 3 months wants to purchase with me [...] she earns a fairly low wage for Dublin. Less than 20K.

I'd suggest that she contributes to holidays together, house bills, meals out and incidental expenses while you "look after accommodation".

If she's on 20k and you're four times that, then she shouldn't be considering taking part-ownership of a property and you shouldn't be considering offering it to her - not without a full understanding of the legalities of the situation, especially what might happen if the wheels come off the relationship and she looks for her contribution back again.