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Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

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One eyed Jack

bubblypop wrote: »

This is such bull**** jack!

Basically you think that any married ( or otherwise) couple question their relationship on here, that everyone else is wrong, the couple do what is right for them?

Unfortunately, that's not really life, there are many many couples that live in a disfunctional relationship. And they may think it's right. Many people don't know they are in a disfunctional or abusive relationship until they know about others relationships

You appear to be constantly misinterpreting posts, I don't know why, but I never suggested that anyone who questions their relationship on here (or anywhere else for that matter), that the advice they are offered or receive is either wrong or right. It's up to the person themselves to make that determination, and yes that is real life, where mentally competent adults make decisions for themselves every day, day in, day out.

It's true that many people aren't aware they're in dysfunctional or abusive relationships until they actually come to that conclusion themselves, and I've met many, actually I've met countless numbers of people in what I would consider to be dysfunctional, abusive relationships, but, for me, the more important thing is whether they are actually happy, or not, as the case may be. In those relationships which I may consider to be unhealthy, abusive, dysfunctional, etc, I also consider whether I actually have any right to interfere in them, if the people in that relationship are actually happy to be in that relationship.

The reason I consider the importance of this is because I would never see it as my right to tell someone who appears to be happy, that they shouldn't be happy, that I know them better than they do and my standards are what they should be aiming to achieve. I don't think anyone should ever try to live up to someone else's standards, because they're essentially setting themselves up for failure. They can't be someone else, and they can't be in someone else's relationship, because they aren't those people. Lest I need to state the obvious - every individuals perceptions are influenced by how they process their own experiences, and when you meet enough people, the one thing you come to understand is that there absolutely is no "normal", because normal will always be an aspirational standard that does not, and cannot, apply universally at an individual level.

TL;DR - Ignorance really is bliss. That's why now in the West with the development and growth of our Information Society, there are also rising levels of people experiencing depression and mental health issues, because the less they are ignorant of that which is outside their own bubble, the more they perceive how much happier they could be if they had a different life, someone else's real life. This causes them even greater dissatisfaction with their lives which can lead to ill mental health. Social media anxiety is now actually a thing, with people being envious of what they perceive to be other people's success that they lack, or people with their head buried in their mobile devices lest they miss an update, or an email, or don't reply in time to an email or a message, or are waiting for a response to a message or an update they sent, or are envious of the likes and validation that other people get that they don't, so they modify their opinions and behaviours accordingly in the hope of gaining more likes and validation among their peers, which leads to greater cognitive dissonance between their privately held beliefs, and their publicly expressed opinions or behaviours.

Genuinely I could write a thesis on this stuff, but I won't as I just don't think anyone would be all that interested (leaving aside the fact that it's likely to be misinterpreted anyway), hell it's generally mind numbingly boring common sense for most people that as adults with any sort of life experience outside their own bubble, they should be aware of anyway.

[Deleted User]

Well the OP seemed to think her life was supposed to be ****.
I'm glad she posted because as least she knows there is more to life than what she puts up with.

infogiver

endacl wrote: »

Two questions, OP....

1. How did you manage to post from the 1970s?
2. No. That's it. How did you post here from decades ago?!?

If you think hubbys like the OPs disappeared with the 70s your sadly mistaken.

Aimeee

mockingjay wrote: »

Thank you - In a way I'm glad in a way I made it too - for me and for others that may be following it.... I still find it a bit hard to believe I'm one of very few women in Ireland that experience this...

I can assure you are not one of very few women experiencing this. A good few of my friends (& their sisters) have similar weekend situation. It was a shock to me when I heard a few of them giving out about it one night. Another was upset for her sister whose husband did the pub thing every Friday night. I really think women don't talk about it much as sometimes it's not worth rocking the boat or maybe it's one of those ways of trundling through married life with kids and all that entails. The women usually take on all the responsibilities you mentioned re the kids/activities/ferrying to and fro etc.
Interesting thread OP and hope you get your hubby more at the weekends from now on. Maybe he realised himself how much better this weekend was with the family?

ChikiChiki

I think given that for most the social scene revolves around the pub in Ireland it can be hard to let go of that when the kids come along. Kids are a lot of work and lets face it can be annoying little ****s at time. To put it bluntly, I think when some choose the pub, subconciously they are escaping away from that.

DEFTLEFTHAND

You sound like the best wife ever mockingjay. Men would kill for a wife like you.

Understanding of the mans need for space and time spent with friends (other males)

You see things that most other girls don't see.

Bless you.

Mr.Wemmick

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

You sound like the best wife ever mockingjay. Men would kill for a wife like you.

Understanding of the mans need for space and time spent with friends (other males)

You see things that most other girls don't see.

Bless you.

All the girls see you now.. happy days! Queuing up, they will. To work, serve, wait, while you're off to have your space and see your friends.

Lucky ladies.

The queue must be miles long. Bless you.

Estrellita

ChikiChiki wrote: »

I think given that for most the social scene revolves around the pub in Ireland

That's an excuse that's used far too often. Its okay because everyone else does it. A person's social life can involve as much or as little of the pub as they want it to. I realise of course your comment is probably general and you're not referring to yourself at all. But I thought I'd raise the point anyway.

There are plenty of other things you can be doing other than drinking. If all your friends social lives revolve around the pub too, then maybe that should be looked at. You choose your own social circles, and if that's all your mates are interested in doing then maybe they are more drinking buddies than anything else.

it can be hard to let go of that when the kids come along. Kids are a lot of work and lets face it can be annoying little ****s at time. To put it bluntly, I think when some choose the pub, subconciously they are escaping away from that.

That's pretty unhealthy it has to be said. Children can be hard work, but driving you to drink hard work? Nah. Again, there are healthier ways of blowing off steam. Walk it off. Go for a nice swim on your own. See a family member or a friend for a coffee. Go watch something in the cinema.

Again, everyone is entitled to a drink. I'm not a tee-totaller myself, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. The pub doesn't have to be the go-to place to de-stress, there are healthier ways of managing life's pressures.

ChikiChiki

Estrellita wrote: »

That's an excuse that's used far too often. Its okay because everyone else does it. A person's social life can involve as much or as little of the pub as they want it to. I realise of course your comment is probably general and you're not referring to yourself at all. But I thought I'd raise the point anyway.

There are plenty of other things you can be doing other than drinking. If all your friends social lives revolve around the pub too, then maybe that should be looked at. You choose your own social circles, and if that's all your mates are interested in doing then maybe they are more drinking buddies than anything else.

That's pretty unhealthy it has to be said. Children can be hard work, but driving you to drink hard work? Nah. Again, there are healthier ways of blowing off steam. Walk it off. Go for a nice swim on your own. See a family member or a friend for a coffee. Go watch something in the cinema.

Again, everyone is entitled to a drink. I'm not a tee-totaller myself, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. The pub doesn't have to be the go-to place to de-stress, there are healthier ways of managing life's pressures.

Im not reffering to myself at all. Its how I see things in society. As i mentioned earlier in the thread, people do not realise the effects heavy drinking has on their children as they grow into adults. If they did, they might rethink their habits.

I've learned a lot from my childhood to not have alcohol within an asses roar of my future children's upbringing.

Estrellita

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Im not reffering to myself at all. Its how I see things in society. As i mentioned earlier in the thread, people do not realise the effects heavy drinking has on their children as they grow into adults. If they did, they might rethink their habits.

I didn't think you were

and I agree with you. Most would rather stick their head in the sand than face that reality.

mockingjay

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

You sound like the best wife ever mockingjay. Men would kill for a wife like you.

Understanding of the mans need for space and time spent with friends (other males)

You see things that most other girls don't see.

Bless you.

Ha... Ha... I see the light now!

Mr.Wemmick

infogiver wrote: »

If you think hubbys like the OPs disappeared with the 70s your sadly mistaken.

This thread certainly has opened my eyes. The social conditioning which encourages females to accept the inequality of their lives/their lot as normal is obviously alive and well as much as the conditioning I have which is the exact opposite.

But so many men I know - who also fully accept work/ social fairness with women in their lives, their sisters and mothers as much as their wives and girlfriends - are mostly modern and up-to-date in their thinking. I honestly thought that the traditional roles of females and males was more or less done with, how wrong was I.

suicide_circus

Traditionalists are oppressed.

mockingjay

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

The fact the kids are teens changes things a lot, I don't see much issue with two regular nights out compared to if they were young children. They don't need minding and really can't see them needing any hand holding at their sporting events. It should really be drop off and pick up after. Also no babysitters required so the op can go out herself too. It's a very different picture.

Apologies if I misled anyone, I always call them my kids - I suppose we're not really in the habit of saying 'my teens' - but they'll always be my kids xx

However, Teens are my business remember, so I think it is more important for someone to be around during weekend nights to keep an eye on them, to know where they are, or for them to know that when they come in a parent is sober - they'll get up to less. The pitches are about 2km-3km drive from our house, so it doesn't make sense to drive 10 mins to drop, go home for 40 mins, and drive 10 mins back, this is where I meet the other parents for a chat usually - so it can also be my form of socialising - the matches are all over the place on Saturdays and Sundays, the driving has to be done and someone has to support the team!

meeeeh

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

This thread certainly has opened my eyes. The social conditioning which encourages females to accept the inequality of their lives/their lot as normal is obviously alive and well as much as the conditioning I have which is the exact opposite.

What a nice smug condemnation of women that don't have the same domestic arrangements as you find acceptable. Tell me is it nice to feel superior to others?

Chuchote

mockingjay wrote: »

Apologies if I misled anyone, I always call them my kids - I suppose we're not really in the habit of saying 'my teens' - but they'll always be my kids xx

However, Teens are my business remember, so I think it is more important for someone to be around during weekend nights to keep an eye on them, to know where they are, or for them to know that when they come in a parent is sober - they'll get up to less. The pitches are about 2km-3km drive from our house, so it doesn't make sense to drive 10 mins to drop, go home for 40 mins, and drive 10 mins back, this is where I meet the other parents for a chat usually - so it can also be my form of socialising - the matches are all over the place on Saturdays and Sundays, the driving has to be done and someone has to support the team!

Would you not cycle together? 3km is a nice 20-minute bike ride!

infogiver

ChikiChiki wrote: »

I think given that for most the social scene revolves around the pub in Ireland it can be hard to let go of that when the kids come along. Kids are a lot of work and lets face it can be annoying little ****s at time. To put it bluntly, I think when some choose the pub, subconciously they are escaping away from that.

Your kids didn't ask to be born. "Annoying little ****s" ? Too much like hard work you mean. Wether your a man or a woman, going to pub on Friday night after work and rendering yourself unfit to be a parent on Saturday, leaving all the parenting to the other person makes you a complete c**t in my book and anyone who does it is a complete deadbeat.

Estrellita

mockingjay wrote: »

I think it is more important for someone to be around during weekend nights to keep an eye on them, to know where they are, or for them to know that when they come in a parent is sober - they'll get up to less.

You are a responsible parent, and you're exactly right. I have teenagers myself. Some people think that the role of a parent is lightened just because you don't have to change nappies or feed bottles any more. Teenagers need you more on an emotional and supportive level, as well as guidance through some tough times during those years. You can't take your eye off the ball.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job with your kids (I call them kids too!). It would be nice to see your husband a little bit more on board though, for the kids and you of course

infogiver

My teenager is nearly 20 and needs me more now then she ever did. I for one intend to see this out till the end, whenever that will be.

Mr.Wemmick

meeeeh wrote: »

What a nice smug condemnation of women that don't have the same domestic arrangements as you find acceptable. Tell me is it nice to feel superior to others?

Yay! The assumptions and bias are off to a good start today.. pray tell, inequality is a domestic arrangement is it? How does that work then.. women who stay/work at home are treated unequally, is that what you're saying? You have a very poor idea of men if you think they're all out there treating women disrespectfully, because they are not.

What on earth has domestic arrangements to do with anything?

Smug and superior? I think that's you, mate! With a thick dose of prejudice thrown in for good measure :rolleyes:

mockingjay

meeeeh wrote: »

What a nice smug condemnation of women that don't have the same domestic arrangements as you find acceptable. Tell me is it nice to feel superior to others?

I don't think it's meant to be taken that way, Mr. Wemmick has followed the thread through and given some lovely encouragement.

meeeeh

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

Yay! The assumptions and bias are off to a good start today.. pray tell, inequality is a domestic arrangement is it? How does that work then.. women who stay/work at home are treated unequally, is that what you're saying? You have a very poor idea of men if you think they're all out there treating women disrespectfully, because they are not.

What on earth has domestic arrangements to do with anything?

Smug and superior? I think that's you, mate! With a thick dose of prejudice thrown in for good measure :rolleyes:

No I am saying that you are judging women who put up with stuff you feel is unacceptable. Your feel superior to them, your post was full of that. That is all.

BTW I am not a mate.

meeeeh

mockingjay wrote: »

I don't think it's meant to be taken that way, Mr. Wemmick has followed the thread through and given some lovely encouragement.

Fair enough, I just found that post very patronizing.

Mr.Wemmick

meeeeh wrote: »

No I am saying that you are judging women who put up with stuff you feel is unacceptable. Your feel superior to them, your post was full of that. That is all.

BTW I am not a mate.

Do not feel superior to any woman, man or child - never have and never will.

It's just ignorance on my behalf as I am not living with that inequality so not aware of it nor the effects of it. The reason why this thread is so brilliant as an eye opener, is all down to mockingjay's refreshing honesty, intelligence and good grace.

And, btw, no one should put up with inequality. Full stop. Why? Because it's not fair on anyone, especially kids (who will continue the social conditioning into the next generation, if we are not careful)

ChikiChiki

infogiver wrote: »

Your kids didn't ask to be born. "Annoying little ****s" ? Too much like hard work you mean. Wether your a man or a woman, going to pub on Friday night after work and rendering yourself unfit to be a parent on Saturday, leaving all the parenting to the other person makes you a complete c**t in my book and anyone who does it is a complete deadbeat.

Tone down the aggresion pal, to state again..... I dont have kids. Its how I see it with other people. They go to the pub on a regular basis to escape from family life failing to take on their responsibilities.

I do ****ing NOT condone it. Alcohol will never be in an asses roar of my future kids upbringing.

[Deleted User]

ChikiChiki wrote: »

I do ****ing NOT condone it. Alcohol will never be in an asses roar of my future kids upbringing.

Why? Alcohol is part of everyday society not some taboo and bringing up kids in such a sheltered will do more harm than good.

myshirt

We have gone way too PC now. This is really getting out of control. Why can't we just see the wood from the trees and look at it for what it is - the man is having a few jars. It's nothing more than that and there's people on here stirring the sh't on what might be a good marriage. Come on guys.

Tigger99

Op I'm glad you've realised that the current situation is not healthy for a lot of reasons.

I've smiled at a few posters that suggest a few drinks of a weekend is normal. I suspect trying to justify their own drinking habits. If he's too hungover Saturday and Sunday from the two nights then he's putting back some amount of alcohol. The cost to his long term health never mind to the family budget or the time spent with his kids is hugely detrimental. I hope you can discuss this with him. You deserve a partner who you can spend time with on the weekend and is present in mind and body.

One eyed Jack

myshirt wrote: »

We have gone way too PC now. This is really getting out of control. Why can't we just see the wood from the trees and look at it for what it is - the man is having a few jars. It's nothing more than that and there's people on here stirring the sh't on what might be a good marriage. Come on guys.

It's nothing to do with anyone being politically correct or anything else. I thought the same as you too initially, and there's nothing at all wrong with a man having a few jars, but the OP who is this mans wife, isn't happy with the current circumstances in which she finds herself, and part of that is due to her shifting perception and realisation that her experience of her marriage isn't universal! Her circumstances are normal, the norm for many people who are married, but that doesn't make the OP feel any better about her situation, and that's the most important thing, is the OP's perspective of her own circumstances.

Of course it may well be a good marriage, and given they're together as long as they are, and the OP appeared to be content up to now, I wouldn't be encouraging any rash decisions, but the OP has said they've taken some pointers away from this thread, and if some of the opinions on this thread enable the OP and her husband an even better marriage, a great marriage, which works for both the OP and her husband and their family, well I couldn't say that was a bad outcome. I just have no idea what the outcome will be for the OP, but the only person who will be able to judge that for themselves is the OP herself and nobody else, because it is the OP who will experience any outcome of her own decisions, and none of us will.

Having said that, I would encourage the OP to explore other avenues too besides basing any decisions they make about their future and their relationship with their husband and the outcomes for their family, solely on the opinions of strangers on the internet.

R.D. aka MR.D

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Why? Alcohol is part of everyday society not some taboo and bringing up kids in such a sheltered will do more harm than good.

Would you extend this to other drugs?

My husband is from a state where marijuana is legal. It's part of everyday society there now too. A friend of his smokes/vapes/ingests weed around his kids and I think it's despicable.

Adults, especially when they are around children, have no business being intoxicated whether it's from being drunk or high. Children need parents or carers with a clear mind.

I also find it disgusting when I see a child in a pub. But that's because I was dragged around every pub in county at one stage as a small child. It made me feel scared and uncomfortable. Even if I was eating my crisps or some oul fella was teaching me how to play dominios or some card game, I felt weird in my insides.

Is that my hang up? Sure! But if I had kids and choose not to expose them to that, then I wouldn't be sheltering them(the connotation being that I'm denying them something). I would be protecting them from what I know from experience is a very intimidating. When children are around drunk people, the unpredictability of the situation is not fair on them and can be very damaging.

Just so you don't accuse me of being a prude, I drink plenty and smoke weed but I would never in 100 years expose a child to that.