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Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

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mockingjay

homerjay2005 wrote: »

hey OP. you said your kids are teenagers now.

would you not give going out with him more often, a go? is it completely out of possibility for you to socialise a bit more?

i think you need to be very careful about advise that pins all blame on him, i think ye both need to communicate better and trust me, staying at home isnt necessarily good for you both.

is there a comprimise that suits everybody? myself and my missus have a very active social life and we try to go out with each other, every friday for some "us time". could you give that a go?

As I said - realistically "we" can't really afford to go out, and maybe I worry about these things more - we do have bills and debts to pay which I would give priority to.... I don't feel in general posters are laying the blame game necessarily on him - I know him better, and he's a good man - we can't lose the run of the original thread - which was the fact that he goes out two nights a week, I'm still just focussing on that - nobody said he was mean or horrid, because he's not.

PARlance

mockingjay wrote: »

Correct, but you will also see we did not have a holiday for a few years, I saved very hard for the US trip, booked the flights the previous September and got a great price - it was a great experience, my husband did not contribute to this trip but I wanted to experience it, paid off accommodation on my credit card throughout the year. The French one was a freebie, two nights, and I only had to buy the flights for the Spain trip to stay with a friend - it was a good year - unfortunately can't afford the US trip this summer, saw those flights but ultimately I don't think I could afford the accommodation or car hire:( No holiday planned this year.

He pays the mortgage, I pay all other bills, including groceries and things the kids need or for the house, house/car insurance/tax etc - really not a lot left over - this is fine - after that we have our own money - I try to save for Christmas, holidays etc. I earn much less than him - we don't pool leftovers. Might seem strange but that's how we do it. So a night out would impact on my budget, there's always something to spend it on or try and save for (so alcohol definitely not a priority).

You really shouldn't have to spell it out and apologies if my post made you do that. I posted it as you were being portrayed as someone that couldn't afford a night out. You could but you choose to spend it in (better) other ways.

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

going out one night a week does not equal an alcohol problem. the saturday nights is not regular [...]so no need to try sensationalise this as an alcohol problem.

mockingjay wrote: »

1. Don't pool money in case it's spent in the pub

Sounds pretty much like it could be one from this. And it's two nights a weekend according to the OP.

__Alex__

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry, but i completely disagree here. any thread on here related to relationship, tends in 90% of the time, to be heavily in favour of the woman.

I've seen sad cases of whataboutery on here but this is the most tenuous so far.

pwurple

Those finances are completely bananas.

I hope you have visibility of the mortgage and are sure it's being paid down. I've seen a few horror stories where people drank the house out from under their families.

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

would you not give going out with him more often, a go? is it completely out of possibility for you to socialise a bit more?

is there a comprimise that suits everybody?

OP has said she likes to chill in with a movie on a Friday night but that she'd love some company too. Sounds like good communication and a compromise would be to have a movie night together Friday night and he can have his Saturday night in the boozer then. Could even have a few cans in the gaff on the friday, miles cheaper.

mockingjay

PARlance wrote: »

You really shouldn't have to spell it out and apologies if my post made you do that. I posted it as you were being portrayed as someone that couldn't afford a night out. You could but you choose to spend it in (better) other ways.

No apology needed - I would look back at posts too and clarity is needed... it all looks magnificent - but to be honest last year was a great series of events:) We had come out of a hard few years. I know I didn't have to respond but if I started this post I can't just disappear with so many people giving advice and commenting. But I am certain about affording a night out - realistically to go into town, taxi, drink, taxi would cost â‚¬100, even the local would be â‚¬60-â‚¬80 - there are many many ways that I could spend that on the family!

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry, but i completely disagree here. any thread on here related to relationship, tends in 90% of the time, to be heavily in favour of the woman.

I must be reading a different forum from you. Possibly on a different planet.

PARlance

mockingjay wrote: »

Thank you - In a way I'm glad in a way I made it too - for me and for others that may be following it.... I still find it a bit hard to believe I'm one of very few women in Ireland that experience this...

You're most certainly not one of very few. It's fairly normal in my experience. That doesn't mean it could be better though.

Mr.Wemmick

mockingjay wrote: »

As I said - realistically "we" can't really afford to go out, and maybe I worry about these things more - we do have bills and debts to pay which I would give priority to.... I don't feel in general posters are laying the blame game necessarily on him - I know him better, and he's a good man - we can't lose the run of the original thread - which was the fact that he goes out two nights a week, I'm still just focussing on that - nobody said he was mean or horrid, because he's not.

I think people can fall into simple habits and then expect life to follow on that one track, not realising later it no longer works fairly. It's like when you go into someone's house and they say a door handle doesn't work correctly and you wonder why they don't just fix it until you realized you haven't fixed the doorbell on your own front door at home in over a year. Our own unique blind spots and we all have them, in every part of our lives..

Your honesty on this thread is very refreshing, mockingjay. You really come across as a lovely lady.

I wish you all the very best and hope you and hubby sort it out

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

No apology needed - I would look back at posts too and clarity is needed... it all looks magnificent - but to be honest last year was a great series of events:) We had come out of a hard few years. I know I didn't have to respond but if I started this post I can't just disappear with so many people giving advice and commenting. But I am certain about affording a night out - realistically to go into town, taxi, drink, taxi would cost â‚¬100, even the local would be â‚¬60-â‚¬80 - there are many many ways that I could spend that on the family!

But i guess you prefer to spend money on your family? And your OH prefers to spend money on other things?

ceadaoin.

mockingjay wrote: »

But I am certain about affording a night out - realistically to go into town, taxi, drink, taxi would cost â‚¬100, even the local would be â‚¬60-â‚¬80 - there are many many ways that I could spend that on the family!

That's the difference - you understand that you have a family and want to provide for them whereas your husband seems to have the mindset of a single person. Rather than using his money to contribute to his family, he spends it on himself in the pub, leaving you shoulder the bulk of the responsibility

homerjay2005

Omackeral wrote: »

OP has said she likes to chill in with a movie on a Friday night but that she'd love some company too. Sounds like good communication and a compromise would be to have a movie night together Friday night and he can have his Saturday night in the boozer then. Could even have a few cans in the gaff on the friday, miles cheaper.

exactly! its amazing how simple things can be, but no....he is a loser, alcoholic, a crap dad and everything else, despite the fact that the OP saying several times he is a good man.

homerjay2005

Candie wrote: »

I must be reading a different forum from you. Possibly on a different planet.

is this thread not an example? read the first few replies for instance.

mockingjay

homerjay2005 wrote: »

exactly! its amazing how simple things can be, but no....he is a loser, alcoholic, a crap dad and everything else, despite the fact that the OP saying several times he is a good man.

Ah no! that would be a little harsh... definitely not a loser, he is a good Dad - he does the runs during the week, he's good with the kids... maybe just needs to put things into perspective a little!

One eyed Jack

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry, but i completely disagree here. any thread on here related to relationship, tends in 90% of the time, to be heavily in favour of the woman.

You're missing out on one glaringly obvious fact homer - 90% of the threads on here (in AH at least) related to relationships, are started by women, questioning their relationships. That tends to mean that the thread will have about 90% of posters of either gender who will try and offer support and advice to the OP.

The other 10% of threads related to relationships, are started by men, who are usually just looking for a wind-up to bitch about women, rather than actually being in any way interested in seeking genuine advice on their relationships (or more often, lack thereof!), with women. That tends to mean that the thread will have about 90% of posters of either gender, losing their sh*t and taking lumps out of each other, resulting in an utter clusterfcuk that eventually has to be closed because the OP was genuinely never looking for any advice in the first place. They just need to have their opinions of women validated, which aren't usually of the complimentary variety, and the cohort just gives and gives, because they aren't genuinely interested in actual discussion at all, and eventually a mod has to step in and close it down.

There's quite a difference between the two types of threads, what influences them, the tone of the threads, and the outcomes of said threads.

ceadaoin.

bubblypop wrote: »

But i guess you prefer to spend money on your family? And your OH prefers to spend money on other things?

And that's ok then? For most people, providing for their family is not a preference but a basic necessity of being a parent. They should be provided for first and then whatever's left can be spent on other things. Not contributing a penny towards Christmas, birthdays, holidays, food, clothes, activities etc despite earning more than the OP is pretty bad.

juneg

I was astonished to read that this man is the father of teens. I assumed when reading through this thread that op had small kids.

[Deleted User]

ceadaoin. wrote: »

And that's ok then? For most people, providing for their family is not a preference but a basic necessity of being a parent. They should be provided for first and then whatever's left can be spent on other things. Not contributing a penny towards Christmas, birthdays, holidays, food, clothes, activities etc despite earning more than the OP is pretty bad.

I'm not saying that's ok at all!
Read my posts!
I was merely trying to be understanding to a poster who's experience is wildly different to mine.

homerjay2005

mockingjay wrote: »

Ah no! that would be a little harsh... definitely not a loser, he is a good Dad - he does the runs during the week, he's good with the kids... maybe just needs to put things into perspective a little!

but youve sold him, as a complete waster to many and people have dictated the thread based on this.

in the last few posts, youve changed things - the kids are actually now young adults and he does everything needed, 5 days a week. thats a different man to what you are portraying and i think youve been very unfair to him.

juneg wrote: »

I was astonished to read that this man is the father of teens. I assumed when reading through this thread that op had small kids.

exactly....i wonder how many people who slammed the husband earlier in the thread, would regret this now, based on the fact that this crucial aspect was left out, for almost the entire thread until now.

its a huge difference - teenage kids, so i assume some of them are 15 or 16 is a different world to what was depicted in the OP - i think everybody assume the OP was at home with 2 or 3 kids that were all under 5 or 6 and had a mountain of work to do with them.

when i was 14 or 15, i made my own way to football and i know its the same for most "kids" now too.

homerjay2005

ceadaoin. wrote: »

And that's ok then? For most people, providing for their family is not a preference but a basic necessity of being a parent. They should be provided for first and then whatever's left can be spent on other things. Not contributing a penny towards Christmas, birthdays, holidays, food, clothes, activities etc despite earning more than the OP is pretty bad.

but he pays the mortgage.....which depending on location, could be more than all of the above put together.

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

but youve sold him, as a complete waster to many and people have dictated the thread based on this.

in the last few posts, youve changed things - the kids are actually now young adults and he does everything needed, 5 days a week. thats a different man to what you are portraying and i think youve been very unfair to him.

No she hasn't been unfair at all!
She has been very fair and put their relationship out exactly as it is!

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

but he pays the mortgage.....which depending on location, could be more than all of the above put together.

So why not pool the money?
Can they not pay mortgage and everything else out of the one account?
Why does she have to pay for bills, groceries, Xmas, presents and holidays?

El_Duderino 09

homerjay2005 wrote: »

Omackeral wrote: »

OP has said she likes to chill in with a movie on a Friday night but that she'd love some company too. Sounds like good communication and a compromise would be to have a movie night together Friday night and he can have his Saturday night in the boozer then. Could even have a few cans in the gaff on the friday, miles cheaper.

exactly! its amazing how simple things can be, but no....he is a loser, alcoholic, a crap dad and everything else, despite the fact that the OP saying several times he is a good man.

It's worth pointing out that you're the only one calling him a loser as part of your persecution fantasy. Other posters have suggested that he prioritises drink and socialising over spending time and money with his wife and family. Meanwhile his wife spends all her disposable money on their family. It's completely normal to wonder whether he's doing it because he has a dependency on alcohol or is just being selfish.

You seem to be determined to make this a sexism issue about how men are persecuted and women lionised. I think you chose a bad example for your self-persecution. The OP's husband doesn't have to be a loser or a crap dad, because its clear that hes spending the family money on himself and that's selfish to say the least.

homerjay2005

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's worth pointing out that you're the only one calling him a loser as part of your persecution fantasy. Other posters have suggested that he prioritises drink and socialising over spending time and money with his wife and family. Meanwhile his wife spends all her disposable money on their family. It's completely normal to wonder whether he's doing it because he has a dependency on alcohol or is just being selfish.

You seem to be determined to make this a sexism issue about how men are persecuted and women lionised. I think you chose a bad example for your self-persecution. The OP's husband doesn't have to be a loser or a crap dad, because its clear that hes spending the family money on himself and that's selfish to say the least.

oh really? in the first page of the replies alone, you have the following -

Tbh sounds like he has a problem.

1. How did you manage to post from the 1970s?
2. No. That's it. How did you post here from decades ago?!?

but that's actually pretty sh*t.

He sounds like a fcking nightmare.

Husband sounds like an arse,

I would recommend the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics"

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse

I feel bad for the op, her husband sounds like a selfish prick!!

Sounds like alcohol is more important to him than his wife and family.

its not clear at all that he is spending his money on drink before family - he is paying the mortage. you are jumping to conclusions that he is a bad person and your agreeing with the posters above. the OP has said several times he is a good man but you and mutiple other people just want to demonise him and throw him to the lions.

now read your posts on him - you call him selfish. here is what the OP says -

he is a good Dad - he does the runs during the week, he's good with the kids

thats completely different to the picture you and others are posting of him. tell me that is fair?

R.D. aka MR.D

homerjay2005 wrote: »

oh really? in the first page of the replies alone, you have the following -

its not clear at all that he is spending his money on drink before family - he is paying the mortage. you are jumping to conclusions that he is a bad person and your agreeing with the posters above. the OP has said several times he is a good man but you and mutiple other people just want to demonise him and throw him to the lions.

None of the quotes are actually calling him a loser. You do realise that don't you?

Out of interest what do you make of the OP saying that they don't pool money just in case he spends it in the pub? Or are you going to accuse the OP of manipulating things again?

One eyed Jack

homerjay2005 wrote: »

but youve sold him, as a complete waster to many and people have dictated the thread based on this.
in the last few posts, youve changed things - the kids are actually now young adults and he does everything needed, 5 days a week. thats a different man to what you are portraying and i think youve been very unfair to him.

Nope, have to disagree again. The OP didn't at all sell her husband as a complete waster. The fact that some people interpreted her opening post in the way you're suggesting is on them, that's their responsibility. The OP isn't at all responsible for how some people chose to interpret and respond to her opening post, nor to any of her subsequent posts, and I'm actually so, so relieved that she came back to respond and clarify an awful lot of the details and flesh out the glimpse of their relationship that we got in the opening post. I certainly wouldn't have back after the assumptions and judgements passed about her husband by some posters, but it certainly speaks to the OP's character that she did come back, and that she did clear up an awful lot of the misconceptions, judgements and so on.

It wasn't the OP was unfair on her husband, it was the posters who chose to interpret her opening posts that way, were unfair on her husband. The thread has definitely taken a more moderate tone since the OP fleshed out a few of the details.

OP you spoke of some outstanding debts. If there's one thing that puts an incredible amount of stress on a relationship, it's money, second to that on a more personal level is job security, and I'm just wondering how secure are both your jobs because if my back of a napkin calculations are any way close (mortgaged house in Dublin and working off an average budget for your household, not including any savings), it sounds like you're both in denial about how to properly manage your finances. It's no excuse for it, but it may well explain your husband's need to get blotto on the regular - escapism. Do you worry about finances or being way in over your head or if it all came crashing down in the morning? Have you considered getting some financial advice or sitting down and having a serious chat about your finances, basically try to get to the root of the problem with exactly why your husband has gotten into a routine like this when he's aware of your financial situation. Obviously it can't go on, and I think your husband is aware of it, but in denial about it and doesn't want to hear anything about it.

Obviously I could be completely off base about all this, but what's also quite common among people in Irish society is that they let their pride get in the way of reaching out to anyone for help, and there are far, far too many people like this in Ireland, irrespective of their gender, because I've never known one gender to be more capable of it than the other when it comes to letting their pride get in the way of reaching out to people, and wanting to protect those closest to them, they'll pretend it isn't happening.

homerjay2005

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

None of the quotes are actually calling him a loser. You do realise that don't you?

Out of interest what do you make of the OP saying that they don't pool money just in case he spends it in the pub? Or are you going to accuse the OP of manipulating things again?

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

__Alex__

I actually think it's as important for parents to be present for teenagers as for young children. The needs are different but teens need supervision in a different way. Teens don't want their parents around but notice when they are not there.

ceadaoin.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

oh really? in the first page of the replies alone, you have the following -

its not clear at all that he is spending his money on drink before family - he is paying the mortage. you are jumping to conclusions that he is a bad person and your agreeing with the posters above. the OP has said several times he is a good man but you and mutiple other people just want to demonise him and throw him to the lions.

now read your posts on him - you call him selfish. here is what the OP says -

thats completely different to the picture you and others are posting of him. tell me that is fair?

Spending money getting drunk in the pub twice a week when his wife scrimps and saves to pay all the bills, feed and clothe the family, sort out Christmas and birthdays, pay for activities and holidays as well as pay off debts is selfish. According to the OP he contributes nothing to these things. The fact that he can afford to do this but she can't shows that he is spending money on himself/drink before his family