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Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

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[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

You will see that I have said numerous times that going out twice every weekend (on occasion would be ok) is being unreasonable. Going out one night per weekend would be perfectly reasonable however and then the op could either go out the other night herself or just do something at home togeather

She can't afford to go out herself, she doesn't have enough money.

One eyed Jack

bubblypop wrote: »

Did you even read the OPs posts?
She works full time too ya know?
Why should 'the man' get to go out every Fri and Saturday night and she have to do all the family stuff?

I don't know that her husband is forcing her to stay at home though either? The idea of "well you do this, so I should get to do it too", or "I do this, so you should do it too", I don't get that, let alone the 50/50 delegation of responsibilities as far as child-rearing is concerned? Jesus we don't raise children in bubbles. I was more or less raised by my neighbour, who never took a penny off my parents for anything she did, and they were both working and earning good incomes. My father got us all into GAA, rugby and swimming, and my mother washed the club jerseys and towels. We weren't farmers ourselves, but we were surrounded by farmers, and we'd have helped out our neighbours whether it was hay, potatoes, carrots or strawberries.

There were six boys and one girl, and both my parents were passionate about education, so educated us in different ways - I wouldn't let a 10 year old near a milling machine or a lathe nowadays (3D printer, no problem), but Shakespeare and other cultural, educational and physical pursuits they've got plenty.

I just wouldn't be physically able for two nights out a week nowadays myself, I'm laid up in bed for two days after one night out, and I wouldn't be a heavy drinker at all. It's more to do with the fact I'm just unfit physically. My wife I usually have to tell her to go meet her friends or go out, because it's good for her mental health, I hate that she still thinks she has to ask, when she knows well I can actually manage, and the world won't stop spinning on it's axis if she goes out and let's her hair down for a bit.

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

doesnt mean you need to give up your life though and if this man wants to have a few drinks on a friday night, he is entitled to it. same as the mother would be, be she chooses not to.

the attitude towards men on boards gets worse and worse and this thread just highlights it - he is a s*it father, an alcoholic, he is a loser etc etc. no wonder we have one of the highest suicide rates in males between 30-50 going when you see the reaction to this post.

of course if it was a man coming on here posting that his wife was going out every friday and he wanted to stay in, then he would be told to get lost and leave the poor woman enjoy 1 night a week with her friends.

hypocritical and sexist ireland, at its best.

She doesn't choose not too, someone has to look after the kids at the weekend. And it lands on her because he just goes out drinking at the weekend.
She works full time also.
And she said she can't afford to go out anyway

homerjay2005

bubblypop wrote: »

She doesn't choose not too, someone has to look after the kids at the weekend. And it lands on her because he just goes out drinking at the weekend.
She works full time also.
And she said she can't afford to go out anyway

errm, you ever heard of thing such as a babysitter??? the OP has clearly said she would rather stay in and is too tired to go out. im not getting into a discussion about finances, its a completely seperate discussion. if he can afford to go out, then they both can

myself and my missus go out at least one night a week - most of the time its together, sometimes separate nights. does that make us bad parents as everybody is portraying here against the man?

we need time to ourselves, time with our friends, time being you know adults, to keep a healthy relationship. too many people are shutting their lives down once they have kids and in my opinion, it destroys the relationship. in this case, the mother has decided to shut their life down and its a dangerous road to go.

now of course he isnt blameless but surely, better communication is the first change here before the all out character assassination on the father.

the funny think here is, i actually spoke to a mother of 3 kids this morning whos husband has all but given up on their social lives and she is tormented over it and is itching to go out every friday or saturday night, but he wont go. thus, she has to stay at him.

if it was him who came on and posted the same as the OP here, there would be about 6 or 7 replies and he would be laughed out of it.

Chuchote

homerjay2005 wrote: »

of course if it was a man coming on here posting that his wife was going out every friday and he wanted to stay in, then he would be told to get lost and leave the poor woman enjoy 1 night a week with her friends.

hypocritical and sexist ireland, at its best.

Well, no, homerjay2005. If a man was posting saying his wife went out two nights a week drinking with friends and arrived back smelling so much of drink that he wouldn't share the bed with her, and was too hungover to drive the kids to football, I think people would also be pretty worried about an alcohol problem.

One eyed Jack

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im not getting into a discussion about finances, its a completely seperate discussion. if he can afford to go out, then they both can

I know you said you weren't going to get into a discussion about finances, but you're assuming that as husband and wife they also pool their financial resources. Curiously enough, I'm meeting more and more couples who actually do the whole "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours and we both contribute to a common pool for the household budget". Bizarre as it may seem, I can't fault them if it works for them, but yeah, it does often mean that one spouse may well have to 'borrow' from the other on the promise of paying them back, if they want to go out!! I'll let you guess who more often than not appears to have gotten the short straw in that arrangement... (in my experience at least).

El_Duderino 09

homerjay2005 wrote:

of course if it was a man coming on here posting that his wife was going out every friday and he wanted to stay in, then he would be told to get lost and leave the poor woman enjoy 1 night a week with her friends.

What a load of snot.

There's only one poster drawing a destination between men and women in this thread read and they're saying that men work hard and need to get horsing on Fridays and the woman should knuckle down and do the child minding on Saturdays.

Nobody else has draw a destination between men and women in this thread (until yourself). I hope you at least enjoy your persecution fantasy.

Mr.Wemmick

It's not always about going out on the weekends tho' is it?

The choice is there for us to go out separately if we want to and we do, but as we are both incredibly busy, and the kids keep us on our toes, we like to catch up with each other on the weekends, spend our time together. I think the OP mentioned she misses that.. I realize how much I take that for granted as I love my OH's company and we spend lots of time together.

I hope the OP sees more of her husband on the weekends in future and they get more time together. Maybe it's a habit they've fallen into and just need to talk it through and sort it to the benefit of them both.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

homerjay2005 wrote: »

the funny think here is, i actually spoke to a mother of 3 kids this morning whos husband has all but given up on their social lives and she is tormented over it and is itching to go out every friday or saturday night, but he wont go. thus, she has to stay at him.

if it was him who came on and posted the same as the OP here, there would be about 6 or 7 replies and he would be laughed out of it.

What in god's name is your point here? That man couldn't come on here and post the same as OP because his missus doesn't leave him sitting at home alone to go out and get wrecked drunk two nights every week. If a woman did do that, you seriously think there wouldn't be the same level of criticism? Because you're very far down some redpill rabbit hole if you genuinely believe that.

Of course parents have to socialise, of course relaxing at the end of a long week is important, and it's healthy to maintain your individual interests and relationships when you have a partner, it's total strawman stuff to say that's what's being argued. But the situation as described in the OP is blatantly unfair, and most importantly she is unhappy with it and has only been going along with it because she thought everyone did. Not everyone lives in or would dream of living in a situation like that, some people do and are happy with it, grand. She's not, and a word with him is in order.

PARlance

bubblypop wrote: »

And she said she can't afford to go out anyway

When did she say this? Not in this thread afaik.

All you have to do is a quick "threads started by" search and you'll find that the OP is a teacher who has been in the US, France and Spain within the last 12 months or so. And booking the US again this summer.

I'm sure an odd night out could be managed.

One eyed Jack

Darrell Lively Level wrote: »

What in god's name is your point here? That man couldn't come on here and post the same as OP because his missus doesn't leave him sitting at home alone to go out and get wrecked drunk two nights every week. If a woman did do that, you seriously think there wouldn't be the same level of criticism? Because you're very far down some redpill rabbit hole if you genuinely believe that.

It'd actually be a far more vicious thread IME, and they wouldn't be the same posters either. Like flies to a shìt there's a certain cohort would be tripping over themselves chomping at the bit to get a dig in at women in general under the guide of "supporting" the OP!!

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

Well I'm not a troll, and I work full-time too and I rarely go out, don't really have the money - thanks for all the advice, I have been naive I think, I thought most people put up with this, his friends wives do, I'm going to have a big think about all of this today.

Parliance,
This is where she said she doesn't have the money

Big Nasty

Wife: What's your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus
Wife: What's that?
Husband: Disappear Friday, come back Monday

homerjay2005

Chuchote wrote: »

Well, no, homerjay2005. If a man was posting saying his wife went out two nights a week drinking with friends and arrived back smelling so much of drink that he wouldn't share the bed with her, and was too hungover to drive the kids to football, I think people would also be pretty worried about an alcohol problem.

going out one night a week does not equal an alcohol problem. the saturday nights is not regular and he is not always hungover, so no need to try sensationalise this as an alcohol problem.

El_Duderino 09

homerjay2005 wrote:

going out one night a week does not equal an alcohol problem. the saturday nights is not regular and he is not always hungover, so no need to try sensationalise this as an alcohol problem.

Who doesn't go out on Saturdays? Are you referring to the OP or some other poster?

From the OP...

mockingjay wrote:

...Fridays & is sick on Saturday [...] He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too

mockingjay

PARlance wrote: »

When did she say this? Not in this thread afaik.

All you have to do is a quick "threads started by" search and you'll find that the OP is a teacher who has been in the US, France and Spain within the last 12 months or so. And booking the US again this summer.

I'm sure an odd night out could be managed.

Correct, but you will also see we did not have a holiday for a few years, I saved very hard for the US trip, booked the flights the previous September and got a great price - it was a great experience, my husband did not contribute to this trip but I wanted to experience it, paid off accommodation on my credit card throughout the year. The French one was a freebie, two nights, and I only had to buy the flights for the Spain trip to stay with a friend - it was a good year - unfortunately can't afford the US trip this summer, saw those flights but ultimately I don't think I could afford the accommodation or car hire:( No holiday planned this year.

He pays the mortgage, I pay all other bills, including groceries and things the kids need or for the house, house/car insurance/tax etc - really not a lot left over - this is fine - after that we have our own money - I try to save for Christmas, holidays etc. I earn much less than him - we don't pool leftovers. Might seem strange but that's how we do it. So a night out would impact on my budget, there's always something to spend it on or try and save for (so alcohol definitely not a priority).

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

Correct, but you will also see we did not have a holiday for a few years, I saved very hard for the US trip, booked the flights the previous September and got a great price - it was a great experience, my husband did not contribute to this trip but I wanted to experience it, paid off accommodation on my credit card throughout the year. The French one was a freebie, two nights, and I only had to buy the flights for the Spain trip to stay with a friend - it was a good year - unfortunately can't afford the US trip this summer, saw those flights but ultimately I don't think I could afford the accommodation or car hire:( No holiday planned this year.

He pays the mortgage, I pay all other bills, including groceries and things the kids need or for the house, house/car insurance/tax etc - really not a lot left over - this is fine - after that we have our own money - I try to save for Christmas, holidays etc. I earn much less than him - we don't pool leftovers. Might seem strange but that's how we do it. So a night out would impact on my budget, there's always something to spend it on or try and save for.

Hey OP, is there any particular reason that you don't pool your money for household and family things?
I don't know how you do your finances but my friends that are married have a joint account for mortgage/rent, bills and kids stuff, everything else is there own money.
Now obviously your mortgage may be very high, but does he contribute to holidays, Xmas presents etc?

Colser

Are you happy with the situation at the moment OP?

mockingjay

bubblypop wrote: »

Hey OP, is there any particular reason that you don't pool your money for household and family things?
I don't know how you do your finances but my friends that are married have a joint account for mortgage/rent, bills and kids stuff, everything else is there own money.
Now obviously your mortgage may be very high, but does he contribute to holidays, Xmas presents etc?

1. Don't pool money in case it's spent in the pub
2. Mortgage is quite high
3. No I do the holidays because it wouldn't be a priority of his and I'd like to travel a bit more so I try to save for this.
4. I do the Christmas presents
5. A few outstanding debts over the years also need to be paid.
6. Kids are teens - money flying out the door :eek: I like them to be involved in sporting/social events, especially during the summer.

mockingjay

Colser wrote: »

Are you happy with the situation at the moment OP?

Hard to say - reflecting a lot this weekend for sure!

Mr.Wemmick

mockingjay wrote: »

Correct, but you will also see we did not have a holiday for a few years, I saved very hard for the US trip, booked the flights the previous September and got a great price - it was a great experience, my husband did not contribute to this trip but I wanted to experience it, paid off accommodation on my credit card throughout the year. The French one was a freebie, two nights, and I only had to buy the flights for the Spain trip to stay with a friend - it was a good year - unfortunately can't afford the US trip this summer, saw those flights but ultimately I don't think I could afford the accommodation or car hire:( No holiday planned this year.

He pays the mortgage, I pay all other bills, including groceries and things the kids need or for the house, house/car insurance/tax etc - really not a lot left over - this is fine - after that we have our own money - I try to save for Christmas, holidays etc. I earn much less than him - we don't pool leftovers. Might seem strange but that's how we do it. So a night out would impact on my budget, there's always something to spend it on or try and save for.

If you changed the money distribution then that might help. We pool all our money together, always have.. whatever is leftover belongs to both of us. Some months OH gets more: new coat, nights out or a weekend away, the next month it'll be me, or more for the kids f'ball kits, sport events, etc. It all averages out in the end.. and we save too.

There might be more equality in your lives if you re-organise the money first.

Widdershins

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

... Maybe it's a habit they've fallen into and just need to talk it through and sort it to the benefit of them both.

Probably. As someone else said, take control with a bit of honey. I think it's hard to find a perfect balance but a few more nice family weekends should be achievable for OP & husband.

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

1. Don't pool money in case it's spent in the pub
2. Mortgage is quite high
3. No I do the holidays because it wouldn't be a priority of his and I'd like to travel a bit more so I try to save for this.
4. I do the Christmas presents
5. A few outstanding debts over the years also need to be paid.
6. Kids are teens - money flying out the door :eek: I like them to be involved in sporting/social events, especially during the summer.

I'm not going to comment on your finances, but you're first point is quite telling.
Maybe you could suggest a different way of dealing with your money together?
It may make a big difference?

Widdershins

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It'd actually be a far more vicious thread IME, and they wouldn't be the same posters either. Like flies to a shÃ¬t there's a certain cohort would be tripping over themselves chomping at the bit to get a dig in at women in general under the guide of "supporting" the OP!!

Definitely. They'd have them divorced by page 2.

Robsweezie

OP, I'm glad you made this thread if it has made you think and reaccess your situation. You know him better than we do.

mockingjay

Robsweezie wrote: »

OP, I'm glad you made this thread if it has made you think and reaccess your situation. You know him better than we do.

Thank you - In a way I'm glad in a way I made it too - for me and for others that may be following it.... I still find it a bit hard to believe I'm one of very few women in Ireland that experience this...

homerjay2005

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It'd actually be a far more vicious thread IME, and they wouldn't be the same posters either. Like flies to a shìt there's a certain cohort would be tripping over themselves chomping at the bit to get a dig in at women in general under the guide of "supporting" the OP!!

im sorry, but i completely disagree here. any thread on here related to relationship, tends in 90% of the time, to be heavily in favour of the woman.

homerjay2005

mockingjay wrote: »

Thank you - In a way I'm glad in a way I made it too - for me and for others that may be following it.... I still find it a bit hard to believe I'm one of very few women in Ireland that experience this...

hey OP. you said your kids are teenagers now.

would you not give going out with him more often, a go? is it completely out of possibility for you to socialise a bit more?

i think you need to be very careful about advise that pins all blame on him, i think ye both need to communicate better and trust me, staying at home isnt necessarily good for you both.

is there a comprimise that suits everybody? myself and my missus have a very active social life and we try to go out with each other, every friday for some "us time". could you give that a go?

ceadaoin.

mockingjay wrote: »

1. Don't pool money in case it's spent in the pub
2. Mortgage is quite high
3. No I do the holidays because it wouldn't be a priority of his and I'd like to travel a bit more so I try to save for this.
4. I do the Christmas presents
5. A few outstanding debts over the years also need to be paid.
6. Kids are teens - money flying out the door :eek: I like them to be involved in sporting/social events, especially during the summer.

So he pays the mortgage and the rest of his money is his own to spend as he pleases (which is in the pub it seems). Meanwhile you have to stretch your lower income to cover all the other household expenses, even Christmas presents and expenses for the kids. This isn't fair at all. The mortgage might be high but I'd bet it's not as much as you end up paying out monthly. Do you get a similar amount of disposable income to spend solely on yourself? One person paying the mortgage and the other the bills is fair enough if they are in the same ballpark but he should at least contribute towards his children's activities and presents as well as holidays.

[Deleted User]

Hope the thread and hearing different opinions helps mockingjay, am sure they weren't all easy to read. You come across as a very reasonable person in your posts btw.