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Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

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[Deleted User]

Pubs are full of men (and women) who neglect their families to an extent both emotionally and financially for the love of the pint every weekend and weekdays too in many cases.

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Going out for a good lash if pints on a Friday night does not equal being unable to do anything on Saturday. Maybe for some but not for everyone. As soon as I had my licence I was dropping younger siblings to their things on weekends and there would be unmerciful sessions had most nights before hand.

Also the man not having time to be dropping/collecting etc on Saturdays rarely has anything to do with drink and much more often to do with being too busy.

Ask anyone who runs any sort of sports club involving children they know all about the one who come on their own or are dropped off verses the active involved parents who stay around and that's the crux of the matter.

mockingjay

andekwarhola wrote: »

Checking back into the thread after a while.

Let me guess, OP and other moderate voices have fled and interminable multiquote war now being waged between parents, non-parents, boozehounds and ex-boozehounds.

No, I'm still here, just reading through the threads, some very good advice, some other good balanced opinions - it has been a good eyeopener for me.... but willing to observe and learn... if anything, I hope that maybe others in my position (if there are any!) are gaining an insight as well... No need for anyone to apologise to me, I started the thread, I knew it was in AH, so I need to accept the good with the bad..

Colser

mockingjay wrote: »

No, I'm still here, just reading through the threads, some very good advice, some other good balanced opinions - it has been a good eyeopener for me.... but willing to observe and learn... if anything, I hope that maybe others in my position (if there are any!) are gaining an insight as well...

Can I ask if you were happy with the way things were before starting this thread or did you feel hubby is being unfair heading out every weekend night?

[Deleted User]

mariaalice wrote: »

Ask anyone who runs any sort of sports club involving children they know all about the one who come on their own or are dropped off verses the active involved parents who stay around and that's the crux of the matter.

It wouldn't be normal at all for parents to stay around when kids are training for sport when I was a kid anyway, infact I don't think coaches would want it even as they are training the kids not their parents butting in. Attending their matches is different but they are much less often. Its no wonder some parents nowadays are so run of their feet if they are hanging around their kids training sessions rather than dropping them off and getting on with their day. I don't think molycoddling kids so much is even good for them.

mockingjay

To be honest I thought that it was the norm for many wives and girlfriends... I thought loads would say "it's great to have them at home tonight".... the thread has taken quite a turn, we do live in Dublin, I felt that many commenting here thought it was a rural country habit thing... I suppose when you see the bars in Dublin full to the brim at the weekend you presume it's someone's partner or husband that's out, there are about 10 in his circle and I've never heard any other wives complain... I suppose I just presumed I was one of many.

Mr.Wemmick

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It genuinely wasn't meant as an insult. Your post read like you were almost delighting in the fact that the OP who had intended a light hearted thread, had her marriage picked apart on the internet by people who made all sorts of assumptions about their relationship. That's the kind of immature mentality I'd expect of a teenager, not a mature adult. Again, that's not intended as an insult, it's intended by way of providing an explanation (something I'd rarely feel the need to bother doing for strangers on the internet as it's usually a futile exercise offline, let alone online, as people tend to believe what they want regardless).

I know what an apologist is, which is exactly why I said I saw nobody who had made excuses for their picking the OP's marriage apart, make any apology to the OP for their behaviour. I wouldn't consider their behaviour was acceptable, but they have an excuse of course, and the OP has had their eyes opened, apparently, so their behaviour by their own standards is completely justified. Can't agree with that tbh.

Your bias reading my bias reading the OP's post.. not to mention your bias reading hers in the first place. You see my point here: you have no business berating anyone when you're coming at it sideways full of prejudice. I do not know anything about you and you know nothing about me.. yet your attacking my so-called assumptions with your assumptions, which gets you no where.. other than making me laugh at how ridiculous the argument is. Not to mention the immature teenagers vs mature adult insulting inference dressed up as an explanation only gets you back round to the insult again, lol!

And now you're off again talking in them there brackets about not bothering with strangers on the internet but here you are getting all personal and bothered because you're trying to explain..

Unravel it yourself, mate.. I am off for a pint

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

To be honest I thought that it was the norm for many wives and girlfriends... I thought loads would say "it's great to have them at home tonight".... the thread has taken quite a turn, we do live in Dublin, I felt that many commenting here thought it was a rural country habit thing... I suppose when you see the bars in Dublin full to the brim at the weekend you presume it's someone's partner or husband that's out, there are about 10 in his circle and I've never heard any other wives complain... I suppose I just presumed I was one of many.

Well you see that 10 aren't a random 10, they're 10 lads from the local

Mr.Wemmick

mockingjay wrote: »

To be honest I thought that it was the norm for many wives and girlfriends... I thought loads would say "it's great to have them at home tonight".... the thread has taken quite a turn, we do live in Dublin, I felt that many commenting here thought it was a rural country habit thing... I suppose when you see the bars in Dublin full to the brim at the weekend you presume it's someone's partner or husband that's out, there are about 10 in his circle and I've never heard any other wives complain... I suppose I just presumed I was one of many.

No one I know does that. However, spent my student years working in city pubs and met many a male trying not to go home to escape the slog, the sick kid etc. But that's my experience and bias.. hopefully you and hubby can thrash it out and come to a fair, social understanding where you both get out equally and it's not you at home on weekends all the time.

How do you know the other woman don't complain, by the way? Did he tell you or do you know from talking to them directly?

[Deleted User]

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

No one I know does that..............

I'd have two or three circles of associates...........
1) colleagues over 15 + years, very rare for any of them (who are married) to be big pub drinkers. Bottle of wine at weekend or one night out a month type folk by and large 30+ with families. The single folk be out every weekend though on the lash.
2) Buddies from college, same as the above except they are all married now, one a widower actually (

) . Birthdays, Christmas and family events would be the norm for outings now, most of them don't even have a local pub as such.
3) Lads where I'm from, mainly big drinking/gambling culture.... pub to bookies type thing.

mockingjay

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

No one I know does that. However, spent my student years working in city pubs and met many a male trying not to go home to escape the slog, the sick kid etc. But that's my experience and bias.. hopefully you and hubby can thrash it out and come to a fair, social understanding where you both get out equally and it's not you at home on weekends all the time.

How do you know the other woman don't complain, by the way? Did he tell you or do you know from talking to them directly?

I meet them at the matches etc., we get on well, the socialising is rarely discussed! Sometimes they go out with their husbands, sometimes they don't - I know this from mine.

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

It's not as simple as that, by all means disappear off the radar like many do when they have kids (or are whipped and forced to)

Whipped or forced to?
What does that even mean?
Most couples are couples, parents parent together. It's about responsibility, not being shipped or forced to.
How immature

Colser

mockingjay wrote: »

I meet them at the matches etc., we get on well, the socialising is rarely discussed! Sometimes they go out with their husbands, sometimes they don't - I know this from mine.

What about your own friends,work colleagues and family...do you think that their husbands/partners go out that often and get to recover on Saturday's?

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Also the man not having time to be dropping/collecting etc on Saturdays rarely has anything to do with drink and much more often to do with being too busy.

'The man is too busy'
The man?
What sort out backwards place are you coming from that only the woman can drop kids to training, because the man is too busy!!!
1950s?

mockingjay

Colser wrote: »

What about your own friends,work colleagues and family...do you think that their husbands/partners go out that often and get to recover on Saturday's?

Well it's not something I discuss much with any of them, my families partners don't, it wouldn't be something I would discuss with work colleagues, one of my friend's husbands is in that circle, I have spoken to her about it before, she says doesn't mind at all - says he works hard, but secretly I think she would love Good Friday as well... I get on very well with her, we can chat about work, clothes, kids but the socialising thing is a grey area...

Mr.Wemmick

mockingjay wrote: »

Well it's not something I discuss much with any of them, my families partners don't, it wouldn't be something I would discuss with work colleagues, one of my friend's husbands is in that circle, I have spoken to her about it before, she says doesn't mind at all - says he works hard, but secretly I think she would love Good Friday as well... I get on very well with her, we can chat about work, clothes, kids but the socialising thing is a grey area...

I must say, I do find it odd when your friend says her OH deserves to go to the pub more than her because he works hard (does she mean that though, or does she get out more than you?). Don't women work hard? If a man and women are in the same profession, does the male deserve more downtime than the female or vice versa? Very odd.. social breaks should be shared equally, just as in a working partnership and parenting children equally.

It certainly does seem like to be a throw back to the darker age of inequality between male and females.

Colser

mockingjay wrote: »

Well it's not something I discuss much with any of them, my families partners don't, it wouldn't be something I would discuss with work colleagues, one of my friend's husbands is in that circle, I have spoken to her about it before, she says doesn't mind at all - says he works hard, but secretly I think she would love Good Friday as well... I get on very well with her, we can chat about work, clothes, kids but the socialising thing is a grey area...

This is going to sound very nosey so don't answer if you don't want to..do your family like your husband?I'm just asking because if my sister or friend worked full time and was left to do everything herself at the weekend while her husband drank and recovered I wouldn't like him..I probably couldn't say it directly to her but I'd feel sorry for her and their children.

Do you think he would cut back if you asked him to or would he say that you shouldn't have a problem with it?

One eyed Jack

mockingjay wrote: »

To be honest I thought that it was the norm for many wives and girlfriends... I thought loads would say "it's great to have them at home tonight".... the thread has taken quite a turn, we do live in Dublin, I felt that many commenting here thought it was a rural country habit thing... I suppose when you see the bars in Dublin full to the brim at the weekend you presume it's someone's partner or husband that's out, there are about 10 in his circle and I've never heard any other wives complain... I suppose I just presumed I was one of many.

It is the norm OP, for many people, and there are probably as many people in my experience would say it's great to have their husbands/boyfriends home, as would joke about how grateful they are that their husband/boyfriend fcuked off out from under their feet and goes out with their friends, or would make jokes about how they have to ferry the children around to all their various activities (there's even a stereotype for that - "soccer mom"!).

There are far, far more couples that fall into traditional gender roles than those who don't, but I don't know where the idea comes from that this is a particularly new phenomenon, it's not. There are many men who were pushing prams and changing nappies and doing all sorts of activities with their children and with their families indeed since the dawn of man. It's only in recent years that some people appear to think this is somehow particularly deserving of recognition under the banner of 'gender equality'. I never felt like I needed recognition and validation for raising children, nor did I entertain other people's judgement when they felt I was failing as a father or as a parent. I never set out to care for achieving their standards in the first place.

The way things are works well for us as a family, but it's perfectly understandable that other people would have different standards for themselves. What isn't so understandable is why those people think that the way that works for them, is the only way to be a parent or to raise children.

Chuchote

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Going out for a good lash of pints on a Friday night does not equal being unable to do anything on Saturday. Maybe for some but not for everyone. As soon as I had my licence I was dropping younger siblings to their things on weekends and there would be unmerciful sessions had most nights before hand. Not to mention all the midweek nights out and into work the next morning.

Also the man not having time to be dropping/collecting etc on Saturdays rarely has anything to do with drink and much more often to do with being too busy.

Wouldn't have the licence for long if one did that nowadays!

mockingjay

Colser wrote: »

This is going to sound very nosey so don't answer if you don't want to..do your family like your husband?I'm just asking because if my sister or friend worked full time and was left to do everything herself at the weekend while her husband drank and recovered I wouldn't like him..I probably couldn't say it directly to her but I'd feel sorry for her and their children.

Do you think he would cut back if you asked him to or would he say that you shouldn't have a problem with it?

Yes, they get on well with him, he's very sociable (pardon the pun) - but they don't live near us so probably aren't aware, it's not something I would discuss with them when we meet.

Regarding the cutting back, this will be something I will probably discuss during the next week, I can't rush into it in light of a post late Friday night, I need to think things through here, would rather have a balanced approach and find the right time.

Just for information, I'm not sitting here in the depts of doom and gloom, I'm a happy go lucky person, so I haven't been wallowing in doom and gloom reading these posts, a bit shocked at my own naivety maybe, I have a lovely home, beautiful children and good health, I will move forward and take my head out of the sand.

[Deleted User]

bubblypop wrote: »

Whipped or forced to?
What does that even mean?
Most couples are couples, parents parent together. It's about responsibility, not being shipped or forced to.
How immature

Yes whipped, you see it some lads are just in a relationship never mind kids. They are not "allowed" out with the lads anymore or certainly much less often and then they are more or less in the bad books for just going.

bubblypop wrote: »

'The man is too busy'
The man?
What sort out backwards place are you coming from that only the woman can drop kids to training, because the man is too busy!!!
1950s?

As I said earlier loads of people from rural areas work full time jobs and run farms this means working in the evening after work, all day Saturday to catch up on jobs and often some of Sunday too. It's very common in rural Ireland but of course city folk are blind to all a lot of this.

R.D. aka MR.D

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Yes whipped, you see it some lads are just in a relationship never mind kids. They are not "allowed" out with the lads anymore or certainly much less often and then they are more or less in the bad books for just going.

As I said earlier loads of people from rural areas work full time jobs and run farms this means working in the evening after work, all day Saturday to catch up on jobs and often some of Sunday too. It's very common in rural Ireland but of course city folk are blind to all a lot of this.

My brother is a farmer and with his own farm contracting business on the side so is a very busy man. He's in his mid-30's. Not one person in his large circle of friends (and they ALL have kids as ya do when you're a farmer) fit into the 'the man is too busy to be a father' stereotype. They all take an active role in their kid's lives and work with their partners to co-parent. Yes, they are busy but they aren't the stereotype that you seem to be referring to which I recognise from my own childhood. Believe it or not rural Ireland moves with the times too.

Also if men are being manipulated to give up their social lives in an unreasonable way, they are in abusive relationships. A relationship is a partnership. It's very easy for both men and women to get involved in unhealthy relationships where one partner is controlling. Very sad. To be honest I think referring to it as being 'whipped' is minimising the damage that can do a person in the situation. It's easy to joke about men in these situations, but it is in fact quite serious.

__Alex__

I'm from a rural area, some of my relations farm and I still think it's excessive to be out two nights a weekend when you have a family at home.

[Deleted User]

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

My brother is a farmer and with his own farm contracting business on the side so is a very busy man. He's in his mid-30's. Not one person in his large circle of friends (and they ALL have kids as ya do when you're a farmer) fit into the 'the man is too busy to be a father' stereotype. They all take an active role in their kid's lives and work with their partners to co-parent. Yes, they are busy but they aren't the stereotype that you seem to be referring to which I recognise from my own childhood. Believe it or not rural Ireland moves with the times too.

I don't mean that even a busy father won't take some role in their kids lives but the wife will have do a higher percentage of the child related duties in these homes. For example I would know a number of people where Saturday is simply a no go in regards to child duties. The full day is spent working from early morning till late in the evening.

R.D. aka MR.D

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I don't mean that even a busy father won't take some role in their kids lives but the wife will have do a higher percentage of the child related duties in these homes. For example I would know a number of people where Saturday is simply a no go in regards to child duties. The full day is spent working from early morning till late in the evening.

I'm sure it still goes on but I don't think it's as common as it used to be. That kind of thing happens in cities too especially if a parent works in retail etc.

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I don't mean that even a busy father won't take some role in their kids lives but the wife will have do a higher percentage of the child related duties in these homes. For example I would know a number of people where Saturday is simply a no go in regards to child duties. The full day is spent working from early morning till late in the evening.

Did you even read the OPs posts?
She works full time too ya know?
Why should 'the man' get to go out every Fri and Saturday night and she have to do all the family stuff?

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Yes whipped, you see it some lads are just in a relationship never mind kids. They are not "allowed" out with the lads anymore or certainly much less often and then they are more or less in the bad books for just going.

As I said earlier loads of people from rural areas work full time jobs and run farms this means working in the evening after work, all day Saturday to catch up on jobs and often some of Sunday too. It's very common in rural Ireland but of course city folk are blind to all a lot of this.

'Allowed' out!
Don't be so juvenile!
I work with mostly men, and i know they use the excuse that they are not 'allowed' out.
It's not a prison, it's a marriage, a partnership.
I'm from the country, and it's not normal where I'm from!

[Deleted User]

bubblypop wrote: »

Did you even read the OPs posts?
She works full time too ya know?
Why should 'the man' get to go out every Fri and Saturday night and she have to do all the family stuff?

You will see that I have said numerous times that going out twice every weekend (on occasion would be ok) is being unreasonable. Going out one night per weekend would be perfectly reasonable however and then the op could either go out the other night herself or just do something at home togeather.

bubblypop wrote: »

'Allowed' out!
Don't be so juvenile!
I work with mostly men, and i know they use the excuse that they are not 'allowed' out.
It's not a prison, it's a marriage, a partnership.
I'm from the country, and it's not normal where I'm from!

It's a fact some women try to dictate when a man can and can't go out. Luckily I can go out when ever I want and vice versa my oh wouldn't dream of trying to stop me but I see others and it's very different.

[Deleted User]

I can't see how the fact that part time farmers work on Saturday makes it ok for someone like the OP's husband to spend the weekends drunk and hungover.

Families benefits from work, no one benefits from a father/husband getting drunk twice a week. Of course a work/family balance needs to be struck too but it's not the same as a getting drunk/family balance ffs. Ridiculous trying to make out it's the same thing.

homerjay2005

Winterlong wrote: »

Exactly, but if you are going to be man enough to start a family you need to be man enough to be a father to that family.

doesnt mean you need to give up your life though and if this man wants to have a few drinks on a friday night, he is entitled to it. same as the mother would be, be she chooses not to.

the attitude towards men on boards gets worse and worse and this thread just highlights it - he is a s*it father, an alcoholic, he is a loser etc etc. no wonder we have one of the highest suicide rates in males between 30-50 going when you see the reaction to this post.

of course if it was a man coming on here posting that his wife was going out every friday and he wanted to stay in, then he would be told to get lost and leave the poor woman enjoy 1 night a week with her friends.

hypocritical and sexist ireland, at its best.